Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Just out past Bury Rossendale!
I am at loss really she doesn't know what she wants and she grizzling best part of the day! Coupled with poor sleep makes you feel like giving up!

Know the feeling well! She's currenlty asleep but anyone's guess for how long - have loads I should be doing rather than being on here

I'm not too far from you!

MHIS where ? think Baffy been the nearest before !

erm rather not say on here in case RL friends figure out who I am although I've kind of laid myself bare - you can email me at [email protected] tho!

How close is Baffy to you?

Message withdrawn

Thanks Dior. I do feel I did the right thing. However feeling a tad let down that he hasn't bothered to get in touch since we spoke last night - not even a txt to see how DD or I am. He knows I was upset last night

But I'm not getting down about it - onwards and upwards!

MHIS and LL sorry you are having sleepless nights with the dc. It's tough at the best times, even worse when there is emotional stress.

Thanks HW - what's your email address? I think you're right when you say it just becomes a part of who we are - which is bloody sad. Maybe I'm not willing to embrace that part of me yet. Still fighting it. I steal glances at h often (you will note I leave off the d in dh most of the time) wondering where that cheating bastard went and whether he will ever return. Strikes me as so weird sometimes that I am sharing my life and bed with a man who could do that to me. I feel a sense of disbelief. at the smug doctor who thinks it's fine to make quips about your sexual function. Makes you want to kick him in the balls hard and say, hmm you might NOT be able to have sex again I hope you are feeling better in that dept. soon because I think it does affect your psychological health as well as physical. I get angry at work when the doctors ask the male patients about their libido/sexual function and don't bother to ask females. Male doctors obviously.

Ds and I met h yesterday at his new work place, then went to dinner. His (all female) colleagues seem very nice but I felt a bit overwhelmed and self-conscious when they circled us. They were just being friendly but I'm a bit shy in situations like that. Anyway, ds was fine and in his element showing off. Dior - you're wrong I'm afraid as they are all quite attractive. One in particular - who works most closely with h Oh well, c'est la vie. Had a nice time going out for dinner and ds was very well behaved. He's in his element going on the train to London and going out to restaurants. He loves the atmosphere. Has done since he was a baby. We got home about 9ish so late to bed - another thing he loves

Have a good weekend everyone

Well if anyone doesn't belong on this thread, I don't - I was already on the way to divorcing XH before a friend nudged me in the direction of Mumsnet, he wasn't an alcoholic nor as far as I know did he ever have an affair. I'm on my own with various DS's as and when they feel like dropping round, whereupon I get them to do the cooking for me and, with luck, the washing up too. I pop on here once in a blue moon and tell people how wonderful divorce can be. No, I shouldn't be here - but just anyone try keeping me away!

ps Shiny, has your H ever heard the words "if you can't do the time, don't do the crime"?

Message withdrawn

Dior - they seemed very nice actually. Had a bit of a ding dong with h last night. Asked him if he fancied one of them and then said I didn't believe him when he said no. Pretty stupid move on my part. Anyway, we managed to patch things up and celebrated our reunion in bed last night and this morning I think the notion of sisterly feelings only applies to some women. Others will happily shag their best mate's husband so wouldn't think twice about the wife of a colleague. The thing is, he left the other job for me. I can't very well complain about the fact that he works in a predominantly female office. It shouldn't be part of the decision making process when going for a job! I just have to get over it and over myself. Cue stern talking to self

Hey guess what............ds is starting school tomorrow. I'm so excited I put him in his uniform on Friday and then lept about excitedly whilst ds looked at me like this -

lush - you should not think that h gave up his job for you - he did it because he wanted to prove he was serious - you are that fantastic that he was willing to do that (there does that make you feel better?).

Also you are not being unreasonable about feeling unsure about the other woman - if your h was an alcoholic you would not put him in a brewrey would you. What you are feeling is normal and you want to trust him but actually he has to earn that trust back not you feeling you have to give it to him.

I feel the same actually - i never asked h to leave his current job (even though i did want him to and also thought it could never work with them together anyway). I sometimes wish i had insisted it be the deal breaker - but also wanted h to be the one to realise that - just wish he could have figured it out a bit sooner - but then that is typical of men i think - either you have to tell them what to do (and be acused of nagging or mothering them), or they take a very long time to see what they have to do to make amends and often it is too late.

My h is feeling a bit down at the moment - i think he wishes we were back to how we used to be - he just does not understand that i have changed and i will never be like that again - he blames himself for me changing (which in some ways is true - but i wish he could see that i feel it is for the best - but he feels the balance has changed and he does not like it).

Message withdrawn

Dior - he is moping around the house a bit at the moment - dont think it is depression as such but he is not a happy person to be with at the moment.
Trouble is the last time he was 'off' like this he was 'off' with her .
Gut feel is he is not and i am reading too much into it but unfortunately he has to understand that i cannot 'make' him happy he has to do that for himself - thats what i had to do. I am trying to give him some sympathy though but it is hard.

MHIS understand will mail when i get chance ! Sorry he hasn't got back in touch but hope you can keep up the positive thinking!
LL good luck to your little man tom there first day is so emotional for you think they are less over awed by it!
Well dp gone away for week and all 3 dc's have awful chesty coughs , colds had no sleep for last couple of nights as one always waking. Going through loads of calpol and karvol.
Went out last night with my bf to celebrate her 30th and watched flashdance in Manchester and had an Italian was lovely to eat with no dc's and the show was fab!
Hope everyone else ok better run dd2 crying yawwwwn it's going to be a long week!

HW Sorry you're having a difficult time - hopefully next week will be more positive (((HW))) I agree with Dior tho this is HIS doing and he has to realise that there will still be hard times and this isn't a bad thing - giving up is the easy option.

Ladylush Good look for tomorrow!

Lilyloo thanks! DH actually txt about an hr later to see how DD was and then turned up a few hrs later without warning to see how she was in person - was just passing! Wasn't too happy with this and told him he must contact first is future and not just turn up. He apologised - used to my advantage tho as he minded DD whilst I got glammed up for a night out with a friend .

As I was going out and he was leaving he said he wished he could do more to help me (!) maybe have DD oernight so I could have more sleep but cant cos of BF - I replied he could do something and suggested he come over this morning early (ie before 9am!) to give her her breakfast so I could have a lie in!

He did! and also cleaned the kitchen and swept the floor! offered to make me a brew etc.

Then he took DD for a walk and asked me to go with him.....I was torn but decided to go. Had a lovely hr or so together. Felt normal (admittedly with a pang of why couldn't we have done this for the past 7 mths ) During which tho I reiterated he can't just turn up unannounced and also said that I am trying to see if we can have a future together, but that as he knows for this to happen I need certain things including time. He didn't relaly say very much and I didn't want to spoil the mood so left it at that.

He came back to mine for an hour or so then I said I was going out ie he had to leave - he did.

We are going to view nurseries together tomorrow - he's taking a half day from work.

I kind if feel that this weekend we moved a step forward in that he made a decent effort but at the same time feel he tried to push the boundaries by just turning up.

Trying not to over analyse everything tho - difficult not too but really trying to go with the flow as much as I can.

Maybe for now this is the way forward but a big part of me feels that we need to start resolving the underlying issues and by being 'nice' I am condoning his behaviour.

Feeling more positive still tho...just hope nothing happens to change my current mood.

Message withdrawn

mhis
By being nice you are not condoneing his behaviour - what you are doing is showing him that it is 'safe' to talk to you about it. You are being mature about it.
He probably feels that he does not want to talk about it as he 'knows' it will upset you and make you angry .....and the cycle continues.

Unfortunately through my own experience it is you that will have to find your own way and in your own time to deal with your feelings. He will be too scared to make the first move for fear of rejection.

Of course there is anger and you will have to deal with that too - but again it may be best not directed at him.

you will be a stronger person because of this - and i have no doubt you will change - some of it for the better and some things you may not like as much - but you will know yourself better.

You seem scared to let him back in, in case it all goes wrong again - but if you dont give it a try you will never know if it could have worked. This is understandable of course and to some extent you will never let him have all of you like you did before (this is where my h is struggling).

You also have 'conditions' that he needs to know about - and again you may not know them all at the moment either - that is ok.

I am not being harsh i hope but i feel you are scared of being nice in case you seem foolish.

He will be the foolish one if he 'loses' you not you for being nice and grown up.

Good luck i will be thinking of you.

hi everyone
I really need some advice.
I lost it with h yesterday. we both lost it with each other. All was ok, getting on ok, but I feel so insecure I had to ask if he had been in contact with her. he says no, but gets really defensive, says he cant deal with this and shuts off. I get really upset - if we cant broach the subject without him wanting to walk out, then I dont get the reassurance I need, and we dont move anywhere. I feel like he gets his family life with no effot to help me at the mo. At the moment, with him refusing to talk about aything to do with ow etc, I just believe he is still seeing her - I wake up every night dreaming about them fgs

In the end he storms off, I am really upset, he says it always ends like this (it does sometimes tbh, he wont broach the subject AT ALL, but I need to). I think I need to learn to let go of him. I dont think he is able to make the effort required to sort this out. He says he 'cant', but really he 'wont'. But I just dont WANT to have to let go. I want him to be big enough to do what he needs to do if he wants us back, like he says he does.

what do I do? go back to no conversation (which he sees as me hating him - its all my fault, all of this to him)? I cant deal with just friends yet, it is too soon. but I certainly cant deal with his inability to do what I need him to do. I dont trust him, and he wont do ANYTHING to help me trust him.

PLEASE, I desperately need advice!

oh ratbunny - so sorry you are going through this - but sorry to say it is classic.

When my h was still seeing her we had very similar arguements - and like you say it all being my fault for daring to mention it again.

The only answer is i am sorry to say is to get what YOU WANT now - and lets face it it is not this is it?

You can do it alone - and you do deserve someone to do everything to make you feel safe again.
He may be able to do it - but he may not want to iyswim.
Yes he may well blame you for not trying but i really do think you need to state your case and not appologise for the way you are - say you are trying but will need some reassurances from time to time (surely he can see that).

Can i ask - have you told family and friends - or does he not want to?

thanks hw. I reckon he is still seeing her
I have no reason to believe otherwise.

yes, friends and family do know, cos I completely lost the plot when this happened, and leaned on them quite heavily..

Then sorry to say ratbunny that you know what you have to do. Is there anyway you can get the proof you need - without asking him. I say this as i am sure he will still turn it around to you again.

Be kind to yourself - this may not be the end - but it sounds as if he needs the shock to make him really know what he wants.

Bet he says things like 'if i wanted to be with her would i be here?' But what he is actually doing is to make you seem unreasable so he can run back to her.

You have to be firm now and get the proof and then completly and utterly shut him out. Yes you may lose him but surely that is better than what you have now.

It is good that friends and family do know as he is probably scared of looking bad in front of them too.

Good luck - let us know how it goes.
Trust your gut too though.

((((ratbunny))))

So sorry you are feeling like this today. If it's any consolation even though my DH seems to have put the effort in this weekend I'm still feeling as confused and upset about the whole thing. There were several times yesterday when I just wanted him to grab me and say he loved me and kiss me even though the thought of physical contact with him leave sme cold atm. I could smell him on DD when he had left and I was so happy but sad at the same time

It's so hard when you want them to say how much they love you and how wrong they were to do what they did and how sorry they are for hurting you. But instead all they do is flit between being 'nice' (to an extent) and 'nasty' but not actually saying what you need to hear. I too fear that if I try to talk about Us or what happened with OWhe will clam up and we will argue - although is arguing such a bad thing? my only concern is that if we do argue he will go running to OW But I know I can't let that stop me discussing things with him.

I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing DH today - partly because I still have my old feelings and because he is acting very much like the 'old' DH is is easy to forget what has happened and what has been said over the past few months. But also have butterflies because I feel sick to the pit of my stomach about what he has done and angry because although he is taking small steps to make ammends I feel that I do need a few 'grand' gestures to kick start things I suppose - like offering to show me his phone, phone bills, email to prove no contact with OW - even though I know he could still be seeing her and hide it all from me - look for another job. At the end of the day only he can make the decision to do that and he knows that this is what I need as proof - but yet he hasn't offered. Which makes me and think that he doesn't want to decide between the two of us.

However he is still maintaining that he isn't seeing her ...although I haven't asked him about her for almost 2 weeks now...so anyone's guess what is going on.

Sorry to waffle about me there Ratbunny - just want to let you know you ar enot alone and it's bloody hard work....

mhis (and ratbunny), i do know how you feel and the things you say would help you - such as seeing phone and emails is perfectly normal - but like you say mhis is no real proof anyway - but it would be nice to think that they are at least willing to do that.

There will come a time when you will be able to make that leap of faith - but only if you feel safe to do so - and that is where he has to do his bit.
Sounds so simple but until and unless they do step up to the mark there is nothing you can do unfortunately.
These men as such idiots - they need it spelt out to them yet dont want to feel controlled and told what to do, and certainly dont want to take responsibility for anything.

What i would say to you mhis - is dont worry about being foolish for wanting to be with h - if that is how you feel at that time - then just do it - enjoy it for the moment.

It is a hard thing to do because we all want security and some certainty about the future, but that is exactly what you cannot have at the moment - dont be scared or that, try and enjoy today and the now and put less importantance on the things you cannot change.
Once you learn to do this you will feel so much more in control and i wouldnt mind betting that after a while it will be your h's who are looking to you for more security - that is what my h does more now - i am never so certain of the future now - just that i know i do not need h, just happy to have him in my life - and this is a far healthier balance imo.

Rat- there you are!

I've been directed this way by the lovely Paddle...we have incredibly similar situations, scarily really.

Just wanted to say hi, and will post later tonight properly, but saw the thread in active convos. so wanted to 'save' it!

Hope it 's ok to join you all. I'm just fed up with being told to leave H or to just sort myself out. Not what I need to hear really. I love him, the arse-hole, o idea why anymore...

Briefly, he works away mon-fri. Has a room he lodges in during week. Sometimes at weekends too if lots of work on, or working w/e. Well what's supposed to happen is he comes home every weekend. He comes home less than he does, if that makes sense.

THe latest episode of wankerdom is that he's now had his phone off for over a week. Last time we spoke, was after a lovely day out with paddle and mini paddle, he called on his way back to his lodgings. He was supposed to come home the next morning, and didn't We've not heard from him since.

I needed him here today to look after our DD ( same age as RAtbunny;s DS ) as i have a really important meeting at work to basically have my contract terminated due to health reasons not being able to work ( have a v bad back, and am a staff nurse) SO, she will have to come wit me now

Anyway, ended up saying more than intended just now, was going to fill you in tonight!

Hope you all manage to get through your days today, with out to much upset or issues arising.

I will come back later. HOpe this is ok.

Suze

welcome - cant chat long off to luch - keeping busy busy busy - and at least i am doing something!!!

Of course you are more than welcome.
HW