TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

[Quitebulesky27]

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

Dear OP, I believe the clarity you are seeking from MN (at this stage) is irrelevant given that his behaviour is extremely abusive, dangerous and illegal. It can be incredibly difficult to see this reality when you are normalised to abuse. I hope you will contact the police, Women’s Aid or other services to get you and your daughter out safely ASAP.

Im sorry but even if this apology "read genuine" I would be inclined to think if was coercive control and more abuse not a promise of change

You describe a serious physical injury, you were on the floor at his doing and he put his hands on or near your throat and pushed your jaw. Do you realise non- fatal strangulation is a crime in itself. A serious crime, not far behind attempted murder.

He pushed you to the floor. Then when youre on the floor, so not attacking him or any threat to his safety, he gets on floor and yanks your jaw. And your child was there. And youre so desensitised to violence youre asking this Qn like he owes an apology for catching your toe with hoover.

This isnt an accident. This isnt normal. This isnt forgivable. You arent safe. And next time he could kill you, or your daughter.

Please photo your injuries, see a Dr, call a DV service and make a plan to get somewhere safe and report him.

Of course it’s not sincere. How could it have been an "accident" that he forcefully pressed your jaw backwards? It sounds like he did it deliberately, knowing you already have TMJ problems.

You know you need to leave, or get him out, before he seriously injures you (or your daughter).

Her age isnt relevant. It is terrifying to watch your mum almost get killed regardless of age, and he could have killed you with this. And i doubt youd be asking this Qn about how good an apology it is, if youd watched him do it to her instead?

If all you want is analysis of this message ask chatGPT. But the fact he says sorry then "Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you" he minimises what happened to you and his role in it. Theres zero accountability.

What he did was a serious crime and could have killed you.

It doesn't even sound like a wrote it, let alone like he cares about you. At best it reads like he doesn't want to be seen as a bad person (but he is one)

The thing that stands out from his message is that it's all about him. His feelings. His reaction. His (apparent) intentions.

None of the message is about you, or your feelings, or how you are doing, or what you need.

Also it's all bullshit because it's full of lies as well as omissions.

There is very little responsibility on his part. He mentioned ‘what happened to you.’
He hates you unfortunately and he is only going to get more violent.

NO, that message doesn't demonstrate genuine remorse, empathy, and accountability.

It wasn't an accident. He deliberately hurt you. And he will hurt you again.

You are in danger. Please get help and leave as soon as you can.

To answer your question, no it's not an apology and takes no accountability.

Does that matter if it was genuine or not? He put his hands on you, and in front of your daughter. I firmly believe if they do it once they'll do it again. The real question is are you going to stay knowing it will happen again or will you leave before he escalates?

That was not an accident you need to remove yourself with your child now, go to a women's refuge if you have no family.

Stop trying to enforce justification for his behaviour by begging for good answers from the internet. He's not sorry, he's guilty! He's violent and you should call the police! It doesn't matter what age your daughter is- You have a duty to protect her wellbeing! Get her out of their. Don't be so naive!

Call the police

A note about disclosures of abuse:

I’m concerned about this Mumsnetter and her daughter. Was trying to think what to do so Mumsnet- can you help?
Under your terms & conditions I read this…

“ However, on rare occasions where there appears to be a clear need to safeguard the welfare of a Mumsnetter and/or his/her family, it may be necessary to contact relevant authorities about a clearly identifiable member and his/her posts on Mumsnet.”

This is definitely a safeguarding issue. @mumsnet who can contact the relevant authorities- does it mean this is something you can do?
Thank you. x

No it does not represent empathy and accountability I think he has sent that message in the event that you report him to the police for assault. He is abusive and you should report him and make plans to leave with your daughter asap. Please don’t bring up your daughter in this environment you will do untold emotional damage and she will think this behaviour is normal. Show her this is not acceptable and you both deserve better.

I wondered about non-EFL writing, but I don't think "utterly" is a word that non-English speakers would reach for. And if he used an online translation (or AI), the misspellings and random uppercase would be unlikely. My diagnosis is therefore more just simply "twat" 😁

WTAF. Of course it doesn't sound genuine.

Dear me op please leave him. This is appalling.

He is only saying all this to protect his backside. Making out it was an accident when you all know it was deliberate.

What he is did was a very serious criminal assault. If he had done this to someone else in the street, pub, or elsewhere he would now be in custody at a police station.

Either go to the police or contact them Urgently, as you are in grave danger. He jumped up and down with glee whilst you were suffering. Show your DD what a good brave woman you are and do the right thing now, before he does the same again or murders you.

@Quitebulesky27 "What I’m hoping for is an honest opinion about his message. Do his words show genuine remorse and empathy, or do they focus on his feelings?"

I don't understand why you're so fixated on his message. He pushed you to the floor and subjected you to a violent and criminal assault. He could've killed or disabled you. Who the fuck cares whether he's genuinely sorry or not. He should be arrested and you should get yourself to a place of safety. But for what it's worth, no of course it doesn't show empathy, remorse or whatever finer feelings you're desperately trying to extract from it. He sounds dangerous and unhinged.

There is no apology there

You're focussing on the wrong thing! Who cares whether he said sorry? He assaulted you, and when he heard the crack, even that didn't jolt him into any sense of panic. He is DANGEROUS.

What if he kills you? I guess if he says sorry to your DD, that'll all be hunky dory then?

How can you even look at him? He is a violent bully. If you don't care about yourself, consider that your DD might be his next victim.

If your daughter had written your post - if this was her life rather than your life - what advice would you give her?

NONE of your post is relevant.
who gives a fuck????
YOU NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP.
for yourself and for your daughter. It doesn’t matter that she is 19. She is still experiencing this and you are showing her to tolerate this!

His words were only written so that he could communicate the word accident to you. In case he needs to use it as evidence later. There was no accident.

Please report to the Police and get yourself and your child away to safety. There's always 'regret' afterwards, until the next time. He has shown you who he is, leave now.

he said
‘what happened to you’ not ‘what I did to you.