TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

[Quitebulesky27]

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

No.

Leave before he hurts you more badly. Report him to the police and if you are in the UK they will remove him for you while he waits for his trial. Your daughter will make a great witness.

No one cares about the message because it is irrelevant in this situation. It’s like someone worrying about what to make for breakfast while their house is burning down.

That's a seriously manipulative message. Like everyone else, I think your focus should be on getting checked out medically and finding a way to leave him.

But in answer to your specific questions, no, there's no accountability, empathy or remorse. He is possibly trying to cover his back by saying it was an accident and he didn't mean to hurt you - you know it was deliberate. He says he's sorry it happened to you, as if he had no part in causing it. He only talks about his own feelings and pain, there's no acknowledgement of yours. It's a complete non-apology.

Op, no, this does not show empathy or remorse or accountability. He does not feel these things, he is trying to cover his arse if anything. Please listen to the people on here, all of whom are telling you to get the hell out of there, this man is dangerous. Do it for your daughter if not for yourself.

No its isn't an apology its damage control in an attempt to prevent you from reporting him to the police for domestic violence and emotional abuse.
He is a violent abusive man who is happy to abuse and gaslight you in front of your daughter. He doesn't care about you or the fact that you are hurt (please see a dr about your jaw as he could have fractured it), all he cares about is how it will impact him.
Please report him to the police and never take him back because his abuse will only get worse otherwise

What he will do next;

Probably say that he is really low and that if you left he will commit suicide.

Once you have expressed sympathy and agreed to talk about it, he will minimise the event and start talking about "What you always do" that triggers him.

If you refuse to engage with the above, he will turn hostile and you will be in danger.

I have just been through this with my Mum

Please leave and call Women's Aid in that order. Do not think that just because your children are adult, they are not affected. Seeing my mum being verbally abused and coercively controlled has been incredibly difficult and painful. She wasn't being physically abused - you are.

What he says is of absolutely no consequence. It is a manipulation tactic. Save the message, screenshot it now and go to the police with your daughter.

Oh, and go to hospital as well.

I promise you that they never get better and it's never a one off. They often start getting more abusive once you have children with them.
It happened to me and I was always made to feel that I was in the wrong so I kept changing thinking he would improve if I changed but he found other ways and other issues. Unfortunately there is only one way for things to get better and it's leave and that is also not easy.

“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.

In this first sentence he’s not acknowledging that what he did was deliberate. None of the rest means anything because he’s starting from a place of denial. What he expresses is regret about how he feels, not about what he did.

I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.

He wished that words could change what happened. He’s not prepared to consider changing his behaviour.

And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong

Again, denial of responsibility.

Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.

He’s entirely focused on how he feels. He wants you to make him feel better by forgiving him.

I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”

Easy to say, but ask yourself, has this ever happened before?

This man sounds dangerous OP.

Your husband’s message is a word salad, all jumbled, that’s why you can’t tell his true meaning. I doubt that’s an accident @Quitebulesky27 .
If he’d wanted to sincerely apologise he could have simply and with just a few words. His message is avoidance of responsibility - admitting fault and actions. So, no I don’t read it as a sincere apology.

Also, I would add that this wasn't an accident. He knows you have TMJ pain. An angry out of control person could have chosen to hit you anywhere. He chose to attack the one part of you that would cause the most pain. That was a deliberate, calculated choice. Just like that text message.

Run. Take your daughter and get as far away from this dangerous, insincere and manipulative bully as you soon as you can before he kills you. He’s not sorry, he’s just sorry he had a witness.

Absolutely. I witnessed my dad being abusive to my mum and I ended up in such a relationship myself. I still cannot identify decent men, I am drawn to the ones that turn out to treat me badly and I think it is very likely I will never find a healthy relationship because of it. If she had left, perhaps it would not be this way.

You should leave for yourself anyway, but if that is not enough for you then do it for your daughter.

He says 'it was an accident' which from your account it clearly was not. He is not taking accountability and has not offered a genuine apology.

OP, no - this does not sound like a genuine apology to me. It sounds like an insincere platitude from a dangerous, violent man who is trying to convince you that he is sorry for his actions; men like this rarely are.
You don't say if this is the first time he has hurt you (I somehow doubt it) but even if it is, now that he has crossed that boundary, he will almost certainly do it again. Please consider talking to the National Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247 for advice on how to get away from this situation.

To answer your question, no it doesn’t sound at all sincere. He centred his answer on himself. He talks about his low morale, as if this would ever make his actions acceptable. He questions whether he did something wrong, when this clearly isn’t in question. He doesn’t actually say sorry to you, or for what he has done, just lots of hand wringing about how bad it makes him feel. The fact that he is debating what happened also brings a definite undertone of blaming you and gaslighting. The more someone explains away or justifies their actions, the less of an apology it becomes.

it sort of reads like an AI response, but for the fact that AI is usually a lot more sycophantic and apologetic than he has been.

Even if it sounded completely sincere - which it doesn’t - so what? It doesn’t make what he did to you okay, it doesn’t mean he is automatically absolved of his wrongdoing, and it definitely doesn’t mean he won’t do it again. Please take care of yourself

It reads to me like overdramatic self-indulgence, not sincerity.

Plus you are articulate, and he... clearly isn't 🫣

OP this happened 2 days ago. How are you and have you been to the hospital. Are you worried about going as they may ask how this happened and you are not ready to tell them, call the police etc as you are worried about his reaction and that things could get even worse.

This can't be the first time this has happened and won't be the last. The fact he did this in front of your daughter means he really has no shame at all and doesn't care about her as well as you. This is not normal.

You DD is 19. You have normalised this way of living and the pattern if this has been going on for 19 plus years. He abuses you, he is remorseful and sorry. There are gifts and fun days out even however you are walking on egg shells all the time. Trauma bonding keeps you together. Not knowing what version of him every time you open a door. Life resumes until next time. It's all about power and control.

Start getting important documents together without him knowing. Start making a plan for a better life without him.

It reads to me like overdramatic self-indulgence, not sincerity.

Plus you are articulate, and he... clearly isn't 🫣

P.S. It's not AI generated. AI would not misspell "speechless" or insert a random uppercase "U" on "utterly."

It really doesn't matter. What matters is you keep you and your daughter alive.

Have you had an x-ray? Or are you putting off the medical attention you need because you know it will raise a safeguarding concern?

I hope that you are reading these replies and listening to all the women who are scared for you and your daughter (and if there are other DC in your household). The answer to your question is a resounding NO! Your abusive husband's message demonstrates no remorse, much less "genuine" remorse; no empathy for your current situation or how you were feeling at the time; and is placing the blame outside himself by calling it "an accident". Please take action on the honest opinions and advice everyone here is giving you: get as far away from this man as you can; call a domestic abuse charity and ensure you and your daughter remain safe. Please tell us these are the next steps you are taking. Please.

This. It is not sincere, he is trying to cover his arse and has enough awareness to not admit to what he has done.

Have you received medical care? Your marriage is over, get out before he assaults you again.

I assumed from the wording that English isn’t his first language so it may not be about being articulate but just not great at writing his thoughts clearly in an unfamiliar language.

However the message that comes across loud and clear is that he is focused on himself and his feelings after what sounds like a sadistic attack. Not a genuine apology in any way.

No, I do not see it as a sincere apology at all. Reads like it’s been written by AI or he was drunk. It’s all about his feelings, no empathy for you at all

He is gaslighting you about what happened and there is every chance he will do it again, or worse

You have to make him leave. You have to demonstrate to your 19 year old daughter that his behaviour is not acceptable