TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

[Quitebulesky27]

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

I agree, he has done this once - if it is the first time, He will do it again. Don't excuse his behaviour as a one-off; it probably isn't. Ignore the 'apology', there's no remorse, and he's not taking responsibility; he's just trying to make himself feel better for hurting you. It's manipulative.

Make plans for you and your daughter to leave; don't let him know, and get everything in place first, as we know that when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, the risk to her increases.

Good luck.

It doesn’t matter whether it is sincere or not. He is a dangerous man and you need to stay away from him.

It really doesn’t matter how remorseful your husband is. He is a violent domestic abuser and is probably only worried he has gone too far and could get into trouble.
I grew up with DV. My father was an extremely abusive man. Up untiI I left home, I was supportive of my mother. Later, I became increasingly LC with her as I realised she would let her children be put through this just so she could be with her husband. Is this the relationship you want with your child/children?

He’s got you so brainwashed you’re focusing on whether or not his AI message says he’s sorry rather than letting it sink in that one day he’ll probably kill you and your daughter if she doesn’t move out in time. Terrible situation, I hope you can leave.

Just wanted to ask if your husband is your daughters’ father? You mention ‘my daughter’.

Call the police.
Leave him.

It sounds like a very deliberate assault, no apology would be good enough, just leave with your child. He is dangerous.

@Quitebulesky27 Has not been back since early in the evening. I hope she is okay, got her jaw checked out medically and has kicked her loser husband to the curb or gotten him arrested.
It is always worrying when someone has been injured by their spouse and we don't hear from them. 😢

\Words can be so easily written, doesn't mean to say there are genuine.
Actions can mean so much more.

Have you reported this violent assault to the police
and seeked medical attention.

Everyone has said it already. But some times it is useful to say the same thing in different ways, so I will do that too, OP.

to answer your question about the message, no it is not sincere. For a man to do this in the first place, requires a twisted, self/justifying, and uncaring mind. And this is demonstrated also in his message. It is impossible that that could have been an accident based on your description of what happened- it was a prolonged attack, in which he held you powerless to defend yourself. But he claims it was an accident. In an accident scenario, you could potentially have received an instant knock while eg playing a tickling game… and instantly a good man would realise, believe what you were feeling, and immediately apologise and try to help you. This isn’t that. You were fighting, he forced you into a painful position, then forced you further, two handed, to commit injury, then mocked you and continued his verbal assault while you were lying desperate on the floor, your child worried for your safety. That is not an accident. He is either knowingly putting that in writing as a défense if you ever reported him… or JUST as bad he is utterly delusional and unhinged, capable of monumental levels of self-denial that he can not even begin to take accountability for his actions. Both are guarantees he will do this again. You are also right that he is going on about HIS feelings, not yours - suggesting that his difficult feelings are reasonable context/ justification for his actions. ( and subtly implying that you are causing that distress) this is classic DARVO. This is a good spot on your part- so you are absolutely right to doubt the message.

The fact that your 19 year old daughter also knew she had to help you to ‘get to safety’ makes it extremely clear that she knows he is abusing you and he is not safe to be around.

This does not sound like a first ever attack to me- especially that even with a witness, he remained mocking and cruel, after the fact.

I know you came in here to think about how to react to one message, but I also wonder if deep down you knew you needed outside perspectives generally. It was very courageous for you to come and post. I know it must be overwhelming to get these responses if you don’t feel ready to hear them. But there are a lot of very experienced women on this thread who care about you and your daughter. We are ready to support you. Please try to come back and tell us what you are feeling?

Go to the police.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a sincere apology. The fact is that he injured you, and he will do it again.

A lot of domestic abusers give grovelling apologies after they harm their partner. They still do it again. You need to get away from this man.

Why are you so focussed on what is included or not included in his message?

He could have written a book full of every kind of apology and it would not be enough.

He hurt you and continued to do so, he mocked you, and all in front of your daughter. I’m not sure if you think pointing out she is 19 is an effort to make it seem less bad because she is not a child. It doesn’t.

why are you so focussed on the words used in his message, it’s so irrelevant and you need to leave him.

Accident?? The fact that he uses this word in his so called apology is why I would be leaving. It was no accident, it was deliberate. If I could be bothered I would be asking him why he called it an accident. Usage of that word makes no sense in regards to what happened. How the hell does he see it as an accident 😳 As others said he's probably trying to cover his tracks now and gaslight. I wonder why you are now wondering about if his apology is sincere..is it because he used the word accident and that has got you doubting yourself?

It's not a genuine apology.
No sincerity.
He's only interested in protecting himself and maintaining the status quo.

Please leave.

You wouldn't want your daughter to be with a man like that, so you shouldn't either.

Divorce now.

In the cold light of day he realised you can go to the police, and you have an adult witness he can't manipulate. That's not any kind of an apology, its a panicked attempt to have 'proof' of it being accidental and he's hoping its enough that you won't report him and will stop your child reporting him.
Dont leave your daughter to visit you in hospital or the funeral home when he beats the crap out of you in future, he's broken this boundary and if there's no consequences he ll keep going further. Think of the detrimental effect you are having on her mental health and future relationships even if he's got you so beat down you can't protect yourself

It may well be sincere at this moment @Quitebulesky27 but equally it may be a desperate act to try and stop you ending things. We can’t tell. Nobody can. I am not sure why it matters.

What matters is he will likely do this again.

And what we can also tell you is this is not a loving partnership or marriage and you need to get out of it as soon as you can.

Edited to say allowing this to go on is a terrible example to your DD.

In the nicest possible way - why on earth do you not think this is a terrible example to your daughter?!?! She may be 19 and technically an adult but if you stay with this abuser (and that’s what he is) you are setting a very poor example to your daughter about what constitutes a healthy relationship. Please think about what you want for her in the future. Would you support her staying in such a relationship?

Violent abusive men are very skilled at showing remorse , if you forgive him now it WILL escalate, it could be days, weeks, months or years, do you want this life for yourself or your daughter?
Would you happily watch your friend or loved one go through exactly the same thing?
call the police, leave or get him to leave. He can be made to leave legally if it is impacting on your physical or mental health or anyone’s safety in the house.
please get serious advice now, he is NOT to be trusted

This.

He knows you. He absolutely meant to hurt you - he couldn't possibly have done that thinking that he wouldn't.

It doesn't matter if it does (it absolutely doesn't btw) - this vile specimen physically attacked you and aim for the area he knows is weakest and will cause the most pain.

I know leaving is unimaginably hard but please please start looking into it at least.

Your daughter being 19 matters only in terms of legal safeguarding - she shouldn't be having to witness this. Does she live with you? Would she support you (emotionally) to leave?

Echoing others. That is not a genuine message. It is a cynical ploy, and something to show other people, to say 'but look, I told you it was an accident '. There is no empathy, no genuine remorse, nothing to say it won't happen again or worse. Regardless of that, words mean nothing, actions are everything. Whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you know what you need to do now.

Seek advice from domestic abuse charity or report this vile creature to the police.