TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

[Quitebulesky27]

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

No, on the 3 things you are queuing about his message.

He’s an abusive, violent excuse of a man. Leave, for yourself and your Daughter.

Who cares what he actually meant by that load of semi-literate, misspelled gibberish? It's unlikely to be anything deeper than "oh no, please forgive me for the bad thing I did".

Have you sought medical attention or are you worried (as @Dolphinnoises says upthread) that it will raise a safeguarding concern?

Please please please get away from this disgusting beast. Not only for your sake but for your little one. He may not physically harm her but I promise it will happen again to you. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you and even if he is genuinely sorry. There are somethings that you may forgive one day but that doesn’t mean you can ever trust them again.

“I was wrong about that. - but no words of sorry?

Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did. - again, no apology, no words of this should NEVER have happened or it will never happen again?? He “wishes” it hadn’t of happened ..but it did! So apologise!

I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less. - I think the word he is looking for is I I’M SO SORRY!!!

And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong - ?? IF he said something wrong?? From your description he mocked you and said hurting things in the argument….so yeah he did say something wrong 🙄😒

Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale. - well at least he feels like the piece of shit he is! BUT I have a feeling this is not genuine and just words to make it appear he feels bad. I don’t honestly believe he feels any genuine remorse because he hasn’t demonstrated any!

I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.” - then the best thing he can do is to leave.

I understand you focusing on this message as a way to distance yourself from the abuse you experienced….BUT you were abused and this message is the least of your worries. The fact he did this in front of your 19 year old is appalling! And don’t kid yourself that 19 means she isn’t being traumatised or damaged by being subjected to this. She is still a young adult and this will have a lasting effect on her.
please stop focusing on the message and see that he is not remorseful, it will happen again and you and damaging your daughter by staying.

His message is rubbish, but never mind that.
He is a dangerous violent man. He could have killed you. Please get yourself and DC away from him before he attacks you again.

In my mind the message suggests that he SAID something that hurt you rather than physically attacked you. While it demonstrates remorse I dont think he makes accountability, recognises the damage he caused or says he's going to make changes. To be honest even if he did all those things it doesnt mean anything because he is abusing. He can feel sorry but still continue to abuse you.

I know your daughter is 19. Your daughter is still witnessing her dad abuse you. Her age is irrelevant, she is still a witness to DV. She will still have trauma from that. Unfortunately, she is still more likely to enter a relationship with DV than someone who isnt witnessing it.

You need to make a choice for your future safety. His words / texts mean nothing. His actions mean everything. You are at risk. You need support from family, friends and DV charities to get away from him.

From a personal perspective my ex, many years ago, would cry and sob and beg forgiveness. I would forgive him. The next time was always worse and more violent. It took me 8 times of leaving to actually get away from him. Each time I went back the abuse was worse. In between him hurting me, he would love bombed me. I genuinely loved him. The love and the good times made it so hard to get away. I realised the last time he hurt me that he was going to kill me. 28 years later I still have scars on my body. He didn't change. Hus mum told me that he abused the girlfriend before me and I'm 100% certain he abused tge ones that followed me.

No it's not genuine... An accident is something which can't be helped, dropping a cup or slipping over, forcing your jaw back with 2 hands (irregardless of whether you have TGN) is a DELIBERATE act of violence.

There is a little remorse in the message but only for himself and "woe is me" type words.. Suggests a narcissist way of viewing things.

Given you seem more focused on words than actions and unperturbed your daughter is witnessing this you need to use your words to state calmly that this was an attack and what happened so there is a record.
At a basic level he is worrying about himself as if you and daughter say the same thing police have a witness and it's an easy prosecution.... And he knows he has gone too far.

Then please take some action. This is not ok

Why don't you want to hear the truth? That people can feel sorry in the moment and then do the same or worse again? That they don't feel sorry but pretend to etc?

If you want to talk about just the message I think the whole thing is disingenuous...it starts with 'even though it was an accident'. You don't hold someone down by their jaw (or any part of their body) by accident.

And if it genuinely was an accident (like an out of body experience type thing or something type of disassociation) then she would be worried and mortified and off to the doctors because he'd be worried it was going to happen again

No it does not. Your poor daughter who has grown up her whole life in this abusive home. It's not too late to leave - don't assume as your DD is now an adult you don't need to protect her from this!

Tbh it sounds almost like an AI post .
I would be looking to divorce / separate from him .
Get your jaw checked out medically .

How on earth was this an accident? An accident would be bumping in to you and causing you to fall over, then being immediately apologetic and mortified.
This was not an accident, he deliberately hurt you and then mocked you in front of your child.
He’ll do worse next time.
He’s abusive and dangerous and you need to get yourself and your DD away from him.

ps no of course his apology isn’t genuine, it’s all meaningless words. He’s covering his back because he knows he did wrong

He didn't push you onto the floor or push your jaw by accident. He is claiming he is not responsible by calling it an accident. He is poisonous and violent. He will kill you eventually. Get out.

Did you say your daughter was 19 to minimise the situation ? I think it’s worse - how many years has she seen this type of behaviour ? You are giving your daughter a clear message that this is acceptable and that could destroy her romantic relationships - don’t think that because she’s 19 it’s better , it’s not and you need to wake up

His message said it was an accident-that’s a lie.
So from the second line he is claiming it was somehow not a deliberate act of violence.

The rest of the message is all about him. He wants you to feel sorry for him, to want to ease his pain and ‘guilt’.

Maybe on some level he is remorseful but only until the next time. He’s dangerous, abusive to you and your daughter.
I am concerned next time he will strangle you to death.

No this is not a genuine apology and there is no apology in the word whether genuine or not that can justify his actions. You are in an abusive relationship and trying to rationalise or justify than an apology would make it not feel so bad what happened to you. Please for the love of god get yourself and children out of this environment. What would you say if this was happening to your child and she was treated like that?!

OP , my SIL was in a similar situation as you for 20 yrs. Always forgave him, then one day, he attacked their 17 YO DD.
Protect yourself and your DD. She’s suffering as well as you mentally but she likely wont tell you this.
My SIL called the police and they removed him from the house.

If you feel unable to do this, pack bags and leave when he’s not home. Go to the police and report as well. I wish you luck but please get out or he may kill you both one day.

Did she leave after he attacked the daughter? It's supposed to be the red line but no woman I know who stayed with a man who was violent to her left when he started on the children.

I sometimes think this mama bear thing is overestimated by many. Zillions of women stay with men who harm their kids.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. Don’t focus on a text, focus on the fact you are married to someone who is physically hurting you. You need to leave.

he Is extremely dangerous, OP. As you have already found out. Do not excuse this - get yourself and your daughter away from him and divorce arranged. You cannot continue to live with an unsafe man like that.
REGARDLESS of what his text message said.
He is not a safe person. So sorry - what happened is very traumatic. For both you and your daughter.

No it doesn’t demonstrate any remorse, empathy of accountability. He is downplaying what he actually did. Pushing you for he floor and then forcing your jaw backwards with both his hands is not an accident it was a action he consciously decided upon and is assault.

the message is all about his feelings not you , that is not showing any empathy at all.

there is no accountability in the message at all, it’s all about down playing the fact he was violent and assaulted you. He committed a criminal offence. To further down playing the situation he then talks all about his feelings and how bad he feels , nothing about you and your feelings. Nor is there any remorse about what he did because he hasn’t taken accountability for his actions and tried to downplay them.

OP I think you know this is the case as otherwise you wouldn’t ask the question to try and validate for yourself his version of events . You need to work out how you and your daughter can remove yourselves from what is a violent and abusive situation. Please don’t let your daughter come to believe this is acceptable or normal. She might be 19 but if she in the future ever found herself in a similar position and you do nothing you have show her that it’s acceptable to be treated in the way you have and it isn’t.

The message from him is very carefully crafted. It makes no mention of the incident specifically, I would imagine so that if you ever go to the police there is nothing admitting to the incident. It takes no ownership of the events that happened. It makes the injury to him and his guilt seem on a par with the physical injury and terror experienced by you and your daughter.

I actually think the fact your daughter is older rather than younger is more harmful here. When they are little we can protect them a little more from the realities. Your daughter is at an age where she is looking to see what is acceptable in relationships and what we tolerate from a partner

No, there is NOTHING in his message that sounds like remorse. It sounds lie he is trying to cover his tracks by saying it was an accident and then making it all about himself.
It also makes me wonder what country/culture he is from as he really is trying to make it all about "poor him", so you'll feel sorry for him.

It could be the most genuine, heartfelt apology ever known to man but it's irrelevant – he held you down and pushed your jaw back so far it cracked and you couldn't speak because it was so painful.

He should be arrested.

Oh, maybe that is it. I was reading it, thinking that maybe English is not his first language but him using AI or ChatGPT makes sense.

And make sure to keep his text message, you may need it for police &/or divorce process.