TW DW Is this a genuine apology from a husband to his wife, or is he mainly talking about himself?

[Quitebulesky27]

Two days ago, my husband physically hurt my jaw during an argument. I already suffer from chronic TMJ problems. He pushed me onto the floor and forcefully pressed my lower jaw backward with both hands. I heard a cracking sound, experienced severe pain, and struggled to move my jaw normally for hours.
While I was crying and struggling to speak because of the pain, he repeatedly shouted that I was faking.
Our daughter became frightened and tried to pull me away to safety. Because moving was hurting my jaw, I eventually managed to shout, “STOP!”
The moment I managed to speak, my husband started laughing, jumping up and down, and shouting, “See! You’re faking! Look, she’s faking!” He even called our daughter’s attention to it.
We didn’t speak afterward. The following day, he sent me this message.
This is his exact message:
“I was wrong about that. Even though it was an accident it doesn’t matter now I wish that didn’t happened to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, and I feel terrible that I did.
I wish that the words could change anything now. I am speach less.
And now just send this message and thinking if I said something wrong
Because the inside of me is Utterly drained of strength, deeply consumed by despair, and with low morale.
I swear to God I never want to be the source of your pain.”
I would genuinely appreciate independent, honest opinions.
When you read his message, do you see a sincere apology?
Does it demonstrate empathy and accountability toward his wife, or does it seem primarily focused on his own feelings?
What do you think about the fact that he doesn’t mention mocking me or accusing me of faking in front of our daughter?
I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me. I want honest opinions about what this message communicates and what it leaves out.

it is not a genuine apology. You need to leave.

Of course it wasn’t genuine. He is a domestic abuser and he is obviously, after the event, gaslighting you.

It’s not a nice or genuinely remorseful message. He’s a violent abuser and you need to leave. Your daughter will be in the same position one day if you don’t show her that it’s not acceptable. Or you’ll both be dead at his hands, in all seriousness.

I usually understand these sorts of apologies to translate as, I absolutely intended to scare and intimidate you and I may have even intended to cause you a little.pain but I didn't mean to cause the level.of pain and injury that I did.

Having had time to reflect, I feel uncomfortable with what I realise this could say about me if anyone else became aware of it.

I know I could be in serious trouble if you were to tell someone or if you had decided to seek medical attention.

My priority now is damage limitation to protect myself.

I need to make sure you feel sympathy for me so that you prioritise soothing me over keeping yourself and the children safe.

So it is sincere in the sense that he probably does regret his actions caused you as much pain etc as they did but only because he realises the consequences for him of you'd sought medical attention and if someone else had found out about.

I’m particularly interested in everyone’s honest opinions about my husband’s message, including whether it demonstrates genuine remorse, empathy, and accountability.

He regrets harming you because he could get into trouble for it.

He is remorseful because he has realised he could be arrested, charged and imprisoned and other people would find out and he would feel shame.

It is NOT empathy.

Nor is it accountability. He knows he did it. He knows wider society and the law would frown upon it.

Accountability would look like him taking steps to address his anger/behaviour himself. And, even then, that wouldn't be a reason to stay with him.

He is not a safe person for you.

It isn't honest and genuine or sincere at all. He takes no responsibility, calls it an accident. He is making it all about his feelings in the hope you will feel sorry for him and forgive him. Even if it was a good and real apology, some things are too much to ever overcome. I think this is an example.

Is this the example you want to set for your daughter of what to accept in a man? Or do you want to show her that she doesn't have to accept this in her life?

This is not an apology it is him gaslighting you. No loving partner ever lays hands on the other and then to add insult to injury laughs at the pain they caused. My DH accidentally elbowed me in the jaw in bed this morning and the only words out of his mouth straight after were “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to catch you”. No blame and immediate accountability. Your husband on the other hand doesn’t care and isn’t taking responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t want to hurt you until the next time he does and the next time he could kill you. Get out while you still can.

He is covering his tracks, pointing the finger at you,almost blaming you. Protecting himself in case there are any consequences or complications to the injury he caused you.

There is no remorse in that. There is some arse-covering being attempted. The only sensible option you have is to leave, and once in a place of safety call the police to report him for domestic abuse.

Why would you care anyway? Surely whether or not hes genuine ( I doubt it!) he has shown you who he is (a horrible bully) Has he done similar before. no doubt he will again .What if he hits your DD next time ? you need to leave ASAP while you still can

If he'd written the most genuine and sincere apology of the century, that centred you and your daughter, it'd make no difference to your situation.

You need to leave.

I don't know why you're stuck on the quality of the apology.

No. Your marriage is over. Get yourself to safety.

Does it matter? So what if he feels genuine remorse? He still physically assaulted you. And your daughter witnessed it. He will do this again if you do not get away from him. He attacked you and then mocked you. I think you were “lucky” to get away with just an injured jaw. Next time you may well not be so “fortunate”. Please please get out now.

He’s going to kill you if you don’t leave.

Jesus Christ, what have I just read?? Of course it's not an apology! It's a word salad from a violent abuser! If he's convinced you that any of this is normal, reasonable or fixable with an apology then he has really done a number on you. You aren't safe. Please make reasonable, safe plans to get out. Get some real-world support and advice.

His words don’t matter, reading loads of meaning into which specific words he used is a waste of time.

His actions matter. He attacked you and specifically targeted your area of weakness. I would report it to the police.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

100% agree with all this.

He’s abusive. Leave immediately for your own safety. Report the attack to the police.

So are you going to leave or wait until he actually tries to kill you? Because he probably will. There is never any excuse for physical violence, intimidating behaviour, or abuse. His message is simply designed to get you to feel sorry for him and then the next time he will explode again. Look up the cycle of power and control, it makes it easy to understand.

No it’s not an appropriate apology.

An apology should name what it is that was done wrong. He doesn’t. It was just ‘an accident’, shifting the blame away from him. He is concentrating on ‘the hurt he caused you’ without separating the dufferent type of hurt. The physical hit. The fact he laughed at you. And that he thought you were faking. The fa t he accidentally hit the very part of your body that hurts anyway.

A proper apology includes a sense of responsibility first what has been done. Again Theres none of that there. It was all just an accident. Including making fun of you 🤔

An apology states what he is going to do to make things better. He doesn’t. No word on how he going to change his behaviour. Unsurprising because he isn’t taking ownership of what happened. Obviously not one word about the emotional abuse (the laughing at you and telling you’re faking was emotional abuse btw).

So he is sayimg the words that are ‘expected’ but in such a hollow way it makes it all meaningless.

Is it still all about him and his feelings? Yes he is protecting himself. He wants to make himself feel better maybe. He certainly wants to look like the good person.

@Quitebulesky27 please, have you gone to A&E and have your jaw looked at?
The fact you were in such pain (still are?) and the clear noise you heard aren’t good signs. I really would want a doctor to look at your jaw.

You’re allowing your daughter to witness a man physically assault you? Her age is irrelevant.
And no, he’s gotten that message from chat gpt first off, second there’s literally not a single thing he could have texted that would’ve made what he did ok.
This is so crazy. Leave. Show your daughter that you do not stay with men that abuse you.

I mean, in answer to this - a message such as "you must have been terrified and I imagine you're feeling cautious about our relationship now" or something to that effect would show better empathy. However I don't believe violence warrants a mere "sorry" however it is worded, and agree with pp that you need to remove yourselves. I would only take the relationship seriously if HE removed himself, got into an anger management programme and came back only when reformed.

This is backpedaling in the extremest form. What he did was to physically assault you and from the tone in his message, he knows this. Those words do not seem sincere at all. They reek of someone now panicking about you involving the police and hoping you'll keep quiet. Whether you choose to keep quiet or not, you asked for opinions on how this message reads and this is what I read from it. I won't offer my personal opinion on what you should do since you haven't asked but I hope sincerely that you and your daughter are safe and well and can stay that way in the future.

It doesn’t matter how old your daughter is. His half arsed insincere apology doesn’t matter either. You need to wake up OP.

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 40 years and we’ve had some humdinging arguments over the years, but never ONCE has he raised a hand towards me.

You need out of this relationship now. He’s physically hurt you and there’s no way back from that. His apology, no matter how it’s worded, means squat. He could kill you next time. Leave.

He is claiming he accidently got you on the floor, and then accidentally cracked your jaw. How could that possibly be accidental? His message isn't even acknowledging what he has done. It isn't a sincere apology at all.

It is fairly normal to find other people's health conditions a bit irritating sometimes but the reasonable response to that is to express some sympathy, suggest they see a doctor and then change the subject. It is not normal to violently wrestle them to the floor, manipulate their jaw and hurt them.

He cannot control his violent anger and you should leave him. It doesn't really matter if he is sorry or not.