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Original poster

At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

258 replies

Pennysgirls · 18/10/2026 14:09

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

OP posts:
MonkeyTile · 19/10/2026 22:14

Definitely very thoughtless. There probably isn’t a solution that will work until he sees family grocery shopping as part of his responsibility. We use a joint shopping list that we have on the Google Keep app. Both add stuff to the list as we notice we’re running low/run out and then whenever either of us are in a shop we check the list. But me and partner will usually let each other know when we’re going to a shop also to ask if the other needs/wants something. But from what you’ve said a joint shopping list probably won’t work because your DH will say “I didn’t think to check it”. Sounds like he doesn’t particularly want to be helpful/thoughtful with the groceries otherwise he’d have changed his behaviour by now.

Thegoldenoriole · 19/10/2026 22:24

We use the AnyList app (free version) and both update whenever we run out of something. Then all he needs to do is check the list. If he fails to do that, it’s moving into weaponised incompetence territory.

seanconneryseyebrow · 19/10/2026 22:26

I dont get why everyone is acting like they dont understand you. I get it. It was something I moaned at my DP about in the early days. It actually went from bugging me a bit, to feeling quite upsetting to me. I would always ask him whenever I was at the shops, and Id always get him a treat. He just never did. It actually hurt me. I told him, and he admitted cos of his ADHD, he is so focussed on remembering the thing he needs, he wouldn't have the brain space to think of what we needed - let alone a treat I might like. He took on board what I said though, and now he makes a real effort to always check if we need anything. Hes a sweetheart. Difference with your guy is you've said it bothers you and he just isnt listening.
Tell him you need him to check with you whenever he goes to the shops as a matter of courtesy. Its what couples do.

Bobloblaw84 · 19/10/2026 22:27

OP, assuming you are communicating at your end, your husband is being selfish AF.

If my other half regularly did this I would start pouring the beers out when he got home.

Another man that thinks that it’s perfectly acceptable for women to have two full time jobs (working and parenting) and he can do the bare minimum.

NazMedusa · 19/10/2026 22:30

Pennysgirls · 18/10/2026 14:17

He’s not going every other day, could be once a week, could be twice, he will land in with his own beers and maybe some crisps. If I asked him to stop at Tescos and he wasn’t planning to, he wouldn’t go

Errrmmmm... He wouldn't go? With all due respect, he's a selfish A hole. My husband would never not run to get something I need/want.

Sewingbeedamned · 19/10/2026 22:34

MonkeyTile · 19/10/2026 22:14

Definitely very thoughtless. There probably isn’t a solution that will work until he sees family grocery shopping as part of his responsibility. We use a joint shopping list that we have on the Google Keep app. Both add stuff to the list as we notice we’re running low/run out and then whenever either of us are in a shop we check the list. But me and partner will usually let each other know when we’re going to a shop also to ask if the other needs/wants something. But from what you’ve said a joint shopping list probably won’t work because your DH will say “I didn’t think to check it”. Sounds like he doesn’t particularly want to be helpful/thoughtful with the groceries otherwise he’d have changed his behaviour by now.

Totally nailed it.

OP - you are being totally reasonable. If I am talking to my dad and know I am going to be in a supermarket I will check if he needs anything. I can’t imagine living in the same house, having small children and not doing this. And when you ask him to get things and he refuses to go, he’s just taking the piss.

theearthsayshello · 19/10/2026 22:37

MonkeyTile · 19/10/2026 22:14

Definitely very thoughtless. There probably isn’t a solution that will work until he sees family grocery shopping as part of his responsibility. We use a joint shopping list that we have on the Google Keep app. Both add stuff to the list as we notice we’re running low/run out and then whenever either of us are in a shop we check the list. But me and partner will usually let each other know when we’re going to a shop also to ask if the other needs/wants something. But from what you’ve said a joint shopping list probably won’t work because your DH will say “I didn’t think to check it”. Sounds like he doesn’t particularly want to be helpful/thoughtful with the groceries otherwise he’d have changed his behaviour by now.

This. He must be made to accept that every time he sets foot in a supermarket, he phones and asks her what is needed for the house. It's just not difficult.

And you just know if it were the other way around, she wouldn't have to ask him or phone him because she'd have a running list of everything the house needed anyway.

Busbygirl · 19/10/2026 22:51

I don’t think he’s being thoughtless at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
He must know by now that going to the supermarket means it would be helpful to contact you.
But he’s too lazy to do that. He’s being selfish. He can’t be bothered to go round the aisles and get extra stuff.
Don’t get home what he asks for when you go. Tell him you forgot.

Mother1981 · 19/10/2026 22:59

I completely get it. My husband loves to go to the shop on the way home from work. Gets yogurt and fruit for his breakfast. Never once would think to call and ask if the house needs anything. Drives me insane.

MrsPositivity1 · 19/10/2026 23:03

If you have Alexa, you can have a shopping list on there and he can check what’s on it before he goes into the shop

Fencegate · 19/10/2026 23:08

God I wish this was the only issue I had with my DP!!!

just text him - we need x, y, z

Jasper90 · 19/10/2026 23:08

What you need is AnyList! Find it really handy as you can add something on there when you remember that you need it then you can both see it

https://www.anylist.com/

AnyList - The best way to create and share a grocery shopping list.

AnyList is the best way to create and share a grocery shopping list. Available now on the App Store and Google Play.

https://www.anylist.com

OxfordCircus · 19/10/2026 23:10

Both of you share a “note”
keep a running list of items you run out of.
he needs to check the list whenever he goes to the shop. No need for texts.

itstoolateforsnacks · 19/10/2026 23:10

I can’t believe some of these replies! Totally ok for you to say to him ‘when you are stopping at the shops can you always get in touch to see if we need anything?’ Sounds like you have done this and he’s resolutely ignoring it. I’d need to understand why.

Mere1 · 19/10/2026 23:11

AltitudeCheck · 18/10/2026 14:18

Set up a shopping list on your smart speaker, you can both add things to the list when you know you're getting low. Ask him to check the list anytime he's popping into a shop.

This is what we do.

Applegram · 19/10/2026 23:16

We use the Reminders app in iPhone for shopping lists - much better than texting as you can tick things off so you’ve one list & it’s always current

WouldRatherBeOnaBeach · 19/10/2026 23:18

We are in the same position as you, I’m the one home all day.

We have 6 children, I wouldn’t expect my husband to be calling me every time he passes a shop on his way home/nipping in.

Can you not do a weekly shop to get what you need for that whole week?
or Amazon? ….or Amazon fresh? …..Or any other shopping delivery?

You might need to speak to him….to ask for what you want?

Or get yourself some washable nappies, and you’ll never need to buy them again!!!

ErinBell01 · 19/10/2026 23:40

My husband would say, "I'm not a mind reader! Just tell me what you want me to get!"

Calliopespa · 19/10/2026 23:43

Pennysgirls · 18/10/2026 14:21

And he will say no that he’s not going that day

Show quote history

But the he has the heads up when he does go.

Sorry OP: I think he is the one being more normal about this.

MsDitsy · 19/10/2026 23:52

Pennysgirls · 18/10/2026 14:09

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

Who pays for the main shop? Does he perhaps resent paying for extras from his wallet instead of them coming out of the 'main shop money'? You most definitely should not have to text him, he is a grown ass man with a family and as it's random visits it would cost him nothing to text, something like,' I fancy some beers tonight so calling into Tesco, do we need anything else from the shop?' Otherwise, get an amazon prime with his card and get next day delivery. What's he like around the house, does he just get on with stuff that needs doing?

theearthsayshello · Yesterday 00:04

Busbygirl · 19/10/2026 22:51

I don’t think he’s being thoughtless at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
He must know by now that going to the supermarket means it would be helpful to contact you.
But he’s too lazy to do that. He’s being selfish. He can’t be bothered to go round the aisles and get extra stuff.
Don’t get home what he asks for when you go. Tell him you forgot.

100%

theearthsayshello · Yesterday 00:07

ErinBell01 · 19/10/2026 23:40

My husband would say, "I'm not a mind reader! Just tell me what you want me to get!"

She's not a mind reader, he deliberately doesn't tell her when he's going to the shops and refuses to go when asked.

SandAndSea · Yesterday 00:13

I think the secret to a long and happy relationship might be in finding creative ways to resolve issues like this.

I used to do the weekly shop. Then Mr Sand would pop out and buy a load of stuff I'd already bought. There were also times when I'd asked him to get things and he'd come back with something else, because he hadn't been listening. My creative solution was to stop doing the weekly shop. So, for many years now, I've left it to him. Sometimes, we go to a supermarket together but mostly, I just leave it to him. He asks me if I want anything and if I do, he gets it for me. This was quite an adjustment for me initially but it has worked great for us. Ofc, this is just an example. You need to find your own creative solution.

I would also recommend having some kind of ongoing list. Take a photo & send it to him or just hand it to him.

TR0LLING · Yesterday 00:15

The easiest solution would be for him to take charge of all the shopping. Then he will always know what items you have / are about to run out of .

Simple.

ThisMellowCat · Yesterday 00:20

It doesn’t take much to text and say if you’re going, can you get me these.
I’d like to think he’d make the trip either way, if you needed them.