At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

Are you housebound? Can't you pop out occasionally?

It is such a small issue in the everyday run of life. Munsnetters will make a massive deal out of it with 1000's of posts about how awful men are!

I don't get some if the replies.

He sounds like a completely selfish self absorbed child. They're his children too. His home too. There shouldn't be an option of 'I'm not going'. If something is needed and he's driving and he can go to Tesco when he needs/wants something, then he can go when other people in the family need stuff as well

If it was me, I'd stop getting any of his shopping. I'd also stop cooking meals for him. I'd prepare food to keep and the children. I wouldn't do any of his washing etc.

Mirror his behaviour . And when he complains, tell him. You're just doing what he does.

Create a shared shopping list in Microsoft To-Do, you can both see what's left to buy, you can both tick it off when is bought, and if you enabled notifications you'll see when the other person has added or ticked off something

It's annoying because it's all that invisible labour of keeping tabs with what you've got, what you need, planning ahead, etc. I get it!

Do you have “find me” on your mobiles? How about stalking him when you need something and if you see him heading towards the shops, send your list….

If he texts back to say he's not going you need to text back you need to go because we don't have x and y and it will save me a trip.

True. Not something I ever do, and almost never answer my phone, so didn't think of it!

Still, making an issue out him not prompting her seems pretty unreasonable to me. It's pushing a task (that is for her benefit) off onto him because she doesn't want to be the one doing something that might be fruitless.

However, as I said, if he's never taking responsibility for family stuff I can see why this adds to that frustration.

‘You didn’t ask me.’ ‘I went to the shops already for the kids, I’m not going back for you.’

She specifically stated he refuses to go out if she needs stuff.

She specifically stated he doesn't tell her when he's going to the supermarket.

It's very clear that he's doing it on purpose because he doesn't want to have to pick up more items.

I only ever answer my phone to family, but always answer it when family calls. I'm sure OP would answer the phone if it meant she'd get a crumb of support.

He is specifically not telling her when he goes to the supermarket. He specifically states he won't go out to the shops if the house needs something. She has no idea what days he's planning to pop in to get himself a nice treat, without telling her.

She doesn't have to put anything in place, he just needs to phone her every time he sets foot in a supermarket. It's a tiny thing to ask. He just doesn't want to.

Ask that DH visits the shop after work every Monday. You prepare a list of what is needed and send it through to him at lunch time.

If later in the week you notice that you need something else, text him to please stop in and shop for XY and Z on way home.

You are the one at home, noticing what is needed. You have a courier, in effect, driving past shop to your home every day. Communicate the household needs. It is not difficult

Expect and request that DH puts all shopping away.

How about a shared shopping list app. He gets whatever is on the list. Each time. We have an Amazon Alexa we use practically for this sole purpose.

I think YANBU and he needs to step up and learn to notice when things are running low or at least ask you when setting off for home whether or not he's intending to stop at the shop. If he can go there when he wants he can go when his family need stuff It's a joint responsibility after all

i just have to laugh when I read some of the MN replies now. This is one of them 🤷‍♀️

I completely get where you’re coming from OP! My husband is exactly the same. It’s like they just don’t see…or don’t bother more like - to notice what might be needed at home…or outside their own wants/needs. Sometimes it’s exhausting! Sorry I don’t have a solution, but I want just you to know you’re not alone! 🥰

Well organise yourselves better. You've got mouths. Speak.

Do you not have a running list for things you need? I have a pad in the kitchen and everytime I think of something I jot it down. It would be simple enough for Husband to take it with him, any extras you can text.

Yes I’ve asked him and he says something like he will get it the next day or I can get it when I’m doing the main shop. Unless he is stopping for something for himself he wouldn’t go to Tescos

Why are so many here studiously ignoring this from the OP?

• she does the main shop already.
• giving him a list ot texting him gets brushed off.
• he only goes to the shop when it suits him.

In a normal, healthy relationship, if the household needs something, the one who is already out of the house will pick it up on their way home. Expecting OP to load up the kids into buggy or car just so Mr Important doesn't get inconvenienced is madness. And I am willing to bet this is just one small example of his belief that house and children are not his responsibility.

and he's demonstrating control.
I be pissed off, too.
I'd bet there's more going wrong in this marriage.

He is very uninterested in doing shopping for the household, thinking about the household needs, or volunteering himself or putting any energy into this, because he feels entitled to a wife who will take care of it.

If he will only go to the supermarket when he wants beer and crisps, then he is demonstrating clearly what he thinks your role is, and what he thinks his role is.

What you do with that information is up to you.

This isn't about a shopping list, or a running whats app group. This is an entitlement issue.

You need to talk to him. Tell him you love that sometimes he does a bit of shopping on the way home, but it would be helpful for the family if he checked if anything was running low at home before he went through the checkout

It’s so sad that women have to do this tho bc the inevitable fallouts when we complain are not worth it. These men aren’t stupid. It’s conditioning so they don’t have to take on that mental load, they’re not incompetent. They just don’t prioritise their home or their kids as much as women. Why should women have to think of everything related to these bc trying to get their partner to causes friction - it shouldn’t cause friction. They should just bloody do it.

Maybe we should start fining these twats - it’s so utterly selfish. They want the little family and the live in maid with accessible fanny but can’t be arsed to take any responsibility. It needs to be drilled into boys at school that a home and children are NOT the woman’s sole responsibility! Maybe it’ll turn into a shameful thing to be so incompetent in the future. We can only hope

This whole thing is utterly ridiculous. if partner is going to the shops on his way hone then he messages to ask if anything is needed. It's not rocket science.

Why is everyone battering this OP around? He's as fault, He makes a bit of effort. He picks up anything that is needed. He is a partner here.

FFS This does my head in.