At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

Of course he is totally thoughtless, thinking about what he wants and needs but no consideration for you and the children. He keeps a mental tally of how many beers and snacks he has, but not mental load of nappies, wipes or anything for the house or family.
it’s typical isn’t it, him saying to just tell him, but that makes it his job. I think the answer could be to make keeping a stock of certain things his job, so nappies, wipes, loo roll and household goods is his job and food is your job, if the whole job isn’t his, he will rely on you. If it’s his job, and if you run out of nappies it’s his fault and job to fix straight away, he might learn to think ahead to buy these things.

I said that if I text him and ask him to get something he usually says he’s not going.

then will come home the next day or day after with treats for himself whereas there’s things we could have done with (not complete necessities but saves another trip the next day)

as in most houses with young children there always things we could do with, even just extra fruit for the children etc) but he never lets me know he’s going to the shops, never thinks what we might need or want, gets himself whatever he wants, doesn’t do the family shopping ever so this just adds to my workload. If I text and ask for something that will likely be the day he’s ’not Going’

I don’t blame you. He sounds incredibly self centred. Both DH and I routinely message each other if we are going to the supermarket to ask if there is anything the other wants. That’s before considering the breathtaking selfishness of only being willing to go when it’s for himself. Any decent father would pop to the supermarket to grab nappies or whatever on the way home if asked.

I really don't see the big issue here, though a few on here might just see it as LTB territory, which it certainly isn't. 🙄

Just message him and say "if you are calling at Tesco please get nappies, wipes, milk ....... If you're not please let me know so that I can get them later."

Not an issue.

You say when you have asked previously he hasn’t been keen to shop/makes excuses/wont go if he isn’t going for something he fancies?

If that request was for nappies or baby wipes, I’d have been using the first thing to come to hand. Like one of his posh t-shirts.

He might appreciate a helpful little text message next time.

I get it, OP, and I’m not sure why people are being so difficult and snarky in their responses. The whole point is that you are organising yourself and the kids and making sure you all have everything you need, whereas he’s just thinking about what he needs. And I agree with you, it doesn’t take much for him to ask if anything is needed when he decides he’s going to the shops.

Agreed not ltb territory.

But if he is out anyway, I can’t see why he can’t pop in by a shop - even if he doesn’t want anything himself.

I agree with you now that he is being deliberately unhelpful. I would start with every day he comes back from Tesco with x,y,z you immediately pop out to Tescos. Put your coat on as he is taking his off. Make a point of it, and make a point of saying he needs to start dinner or fold the laundry or whatever while you are gone. He should eventually figure out that he should not just he shopping for himself.

It sounds like he just can’t be arsed to get the things you want for the house/kids and it’s much easier if you could just take care of it all without bothering him…!

Can you start a joint online shopping list. I use the Keep app. Then either of you can add things as you realize you need them (you can type on your phone or use voice commands to add things). Then whoever is next at the shops just checks the list and ticks off when they buy something (it then drops off the list)

At the moment I cant tell if you have a lazy DH, or just need a better system

If he cant be bothered to look at a list on his phone you have a lazy DH problem.

Why is 'not going' an option for him..?

So if you text him on a day he wasn’t planning to stop off at the shop and said we’re running out of nappies, could you grab some on the way home, he wouldn’t? If that’s the case, he’s an arsehole.

I’m petty so would play his game and make him see how stupid it is - Text him every single day and ask are you going to the shop on the way home. He’ll soon get pissed off having to say yes or no every time and agree to call you when he does go.

Have you got an Alexa + Alexa app?
We use it to add things to the shopping list, then whoever is in the shop first gets what is on the list.

This has also stopped us doing the aimless wander around the supermarket picking up shit we didn’t really need. If it’s not on the list, it’s (mostly) not in the bag!

He’s selfish and horrible.
I would text him every day with a list.

start a list on notes - be specific. Ask him to let you know if he is going to the shop . Send the list

OP as he clearly enjoys tescos so much and you do all the school runs - well put him in charge of all the shopping!

👍

He doesn't want to think about boring things, useful things for the household. You shouldn't have to plan for him or pester him. It is very very normal when popping into a shop to ask your other half if they need anything. It's a totally basic courtesy in a relationship.

So he will not do anything that remotely inconveniences him. He's a twat.
It should not be beyond any halfway functional adult to be sent a list during the day and pop into a shop to get them on the way back from work, even if he isn't after something for himself.
The problem is that he sees house and kids as not his problem to deal with so it doesn't matter to him if they run out of anything. Because he doesn't care enough.

Text him a list every day - even if you haven't run out yet. If he still comes home with only his treat stuff then you have an issue.

I’d follow PP suggestions to text a list every day and be blunt with e self centered prat how normal it is to actually give a shit about your family and he doesn’t get to opt out

So how many times have you asked him to pick something up and he’s saying no I am not going to Tesco tonight? If it’s more than two or three then it sounds deliberate.

My husband always rings me if he stops at a shop on the way home to see if we need anything. Its not hard.

He wouldn't go unless he was already planning to?????

So you've asked him to go to the shop on his way home and he's refused?

Training required for this selfish guy

He can buy his snacks while shopping for the rest of the household. Like an adult.

Google sheets.
Add a list of everything you need and he can check on there.

DH turned a Google sheet into a check list version (for costco) and can hit a button when he's been to check off everything he got. It means we can tick a box when we run out of things and it's on the list. He is a bit frustrated this week though as the list is in the shop order and they've had a move round so the list isn't quite in the right order.
We now have data showing how often we buy stuff. Probably completely OTT but interesting.

Okay but if you do this every day then surely he is going to go one of those days? You say he goes regularly.