At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

I am a little amused that you found my reply rude but your message where you hadn’t read all the OP’s responses, told a grown woman to “use your words” and then proceeded to shout at her was fine and dandy 😂

Can't you do a big Tesco shop weekly either home delivery or yourself which covers everything you need for a week???

I said that if I text him and ask him to get something he usually says he’s not going.

And you reply "well you are now! We need nappies"

Yes! Solve the problem of the selfish husband by making sure you do everything yourself!

FFS......

Blimey I have read some garbage excusing useless selfish men on MN over the years, but I genuinely think that this is the best/worst!

Maybe he needs a few extra responsibilities on his list so u not left doing everything. Then it wouldnt hurt so much when he buys himself beers and crisps etc. Its not the beers and crisps. It's the fact u doing too much and he's swanning around thinking about himself.
Proper discussion required and a rebalancing of chores/expectations.

Oh good god. He has been in this relationship long enough to get married and procreate twice. He needs less patience and a kick up the arse before he finds himself living on his own again.

Dave I feel the urge to shag you disappeared the day I realised I become your mother.

The ick is incoming x

Had to reply because I was amazed at how many people were telling you this is a non issue…. My husband does this sometimes too and it drives me mad…. Totally agree he should text/call if he’s popping to the shops - it’s really not that much to ask… but I have a much bigger issue with the fact he won’t go to the shops if you ask him to - wtf - if it was just for a ‘nice to have’ I get it, but if it’s something his own kids need like nappies or whatever and it’s not happening every day/you’re not always being disorganised and not getting it on the main shop he should be stopping at the shops whether he likes it or not. You need to speak up - this is not all your responsibility.

It's the mental load. It's the dirt he doesn't see. It's the two nappies left in the packet that he hasn't checked. It's the selfishness. He wants beer, he gets beer, he doesn't ask about nappies or milk because he doesn't think about you or the children till he walks through the door.

You probably see that their shoes are too tight, that they need a haircut, should see the dentist, that the milk carton was put back in the fridge when it was empty.

He doesn't see this because he doesn't think about it.

And worse, when you do say can you get x, he says he's not going because he doesn't want to go and he would rather deprive himself of beer or chocolate than do you a favour or step up and actually see what is needed.

Two ways out:

1. tell him to take charge of something completely for himself, maybe the kids' laundry, or medical appointments, and you don't criticise you don't argue, he does it his way and gradually he notices what is necessary - he will either do it (YAY and unlikely) or complain or do it badly - weaponised incompetence.
2. realise you need to leave because YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH EASIER. Then you make your plan.

He enjoys that the fridge is stocked, the kids are taken care of, you cook most of the time, he gets laid often enough, and he doesn't have to lift a finger.

LTB

It’s not unreasonable for him to say I’m dropping into Tesco’s do we need anything? Most couples would. Don’t know why you are getting a hard time…

"No" is not an acceptable answer in that situation! Have a proper conversation with him about responsibilities and load sharing, and suggest that he takes over the weekly shop. No doubt you'll have to write a list for him, but after he has had to go back to the shop a few times he will suddenly and miraculously get the hang of it.

I agree with you that he's being selfish and inconsiderate. You've already tried discussing it with him, and he's assured you that he plans to continue dismissing your very reasonable request on something that he can quite easily do for his family.

This is a "communication" pattern that can make you hate him, if it goes unchecked, and understandably so. It's not so much the inconvenience as it is the disrespect.

I think you need to get his attention. Don't accept (or give out) casual disrespect in your marriage or you'll only get more of it. I'd make an appointment with a marriage counselor, then tell him that's what you've done, because you've had it with his habit of rudely disregarding you. If he still blows you off, it may be time to consider the next step. Sometimes husbands (and us wives too, I'm sure) just get spoiled.

He won't go if you ask him to?
So another selfish loser.
I would honestly get very very upset.
Perhaps you need to stop doing stuff for him, like laundry and cooking anything he likes.
What is the point of such men?

This would also be a good response for the current thread entitled, "Something relatively cheap that has gave you SO much joy".

Mental load. He is unwilling to take it on. He should acknowledge that. Why is it your responsibility to top up household items that are missing/running low. Doesn’t he live there too! Though saying that if he’s not going to change then I guess you just send him a message. Just send him one every day! Haha. ‘When you are next in shop…..’ Or do online delivery.

Just message and say 'Hey let me know if you pop in to tesco today'
But again I do get it he could always text and say 'going to tesco let me know if you need anything'

Get an app like our groceries. Then both of you can see what's needed. Tell him expectation is that he checks it if he goes to the shop

Tell him that he needs to go to Tesco for XYZ. If he responds with he’s not going etc. text back that he needs to go, as he needs to get XYX. If he refuses, speak to him, tell him how much of a selfish shitty husband he is. Tell him to shove his pathetic little treats up his arse, he needs to step up and get the things that his family need. Not a little chocolate bar treat or whatever he gets to placate you!

After he comes back from Tesco, leave the dinner making, child and whatever housework needs doing to him and go 'emergency' shopping. You need to be 'less competent' so that he might think to 'solve the problem'.

DH and I have a shared shopping list in Reminders on our iPhones (or I’m sure there are alternative apps for other phones). Could you do the same and when you run out of something just add it to the list. Then ask him to check the list whenever he’s in Tesco?

No this would really annoy me OP. I'm with you. I go to the shop and i consider what everyone needs and any household stuff. Partner goes to shop and thinks only of himself. Yes they would grab if i asked, but the point is the extra mental load is on you to remember what everyone needs STILL. Its a selfish thought process. What would he do if every time you went to the shop you only got what you wanted and not what he did or kids did or house? He'd soon notice then i'm sure.

I agree just text hubby and say could you pick up nappies wipes etc... I think thats reasonable he isnt a mind reader is he.

Madness that so many people have decided it’s the OP’s fault her husband is selfish

Anyone who is used to managing a household understands that there's a difference between:

(1) Things you need right now and would specifically ask DH to stop by the store for. For ex: Potatoes for dinner tonight. Bread for the kids' lunches tomorrow.

Vs.

(2) Things you might need in a couple or few days, that it might save you a trip to the store or other unnecessary inconvenience to have brought to you. This is what you'd request if DH is stopping by the store anyway. For ex: We're running low on butter. I think we're down to the last bar of soap.

If he doesn't get that, it means he has gotten out of the time-consuming, ongoing job of being the household manager. So the least he could do is shut it and honor that simple request from the one who does handle all those never ending detail-oriented duties. And you can tell him sweetpotatopie2 said so, OP! :)