At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

Hi op he’s just another selfish man who only thinks of himself. He doesn’t tell you because he doesn’t want to do your additional shopping. Op tell him he needs to go on the way home and your sick of his selfish attitude they are his kids if he doesn’t step up when you have to go and take ages have a cuppa if the cafe is open start buying stuff for yourself then let him know shopping for himself is pissing you off and you have had enough. If he keeps doing it tell him you’re only doing the shopping for yourself and kids. Selfish tosser.

This is what we do but on google sheets. It’s so much easier

Have only read the OPs replies. Clear solution. Tell him he MUST call you whenever he is going to Tesco so you can tell him what’s needed. End of.

He does sound selfish/thoughtless.

I did initially think, why don't you just text him, but I've since read your replies that if you do that and he's not going, he won't alter his plans. Is he stubborn? Or just a bit dopey?

Time to get some answers ready:

"I'll be out of nappies by then, would you like me to wrap little Freddy's arse in a towel til then?"

"It can't wait. I need X today, if I wanted it tomorrow I'd have said so."

"You're not going? Great. I could do with a break. You don't mind finishing the cooking and feeding the kids while I go then?" (Then drag out that shopping trip so he wonders where on earth you've got to!)

"You need a shirt for work? I'm not doing ironing today/tomorrow/this week."

Or, the night before..."When you're next going to Tesco, here's my list. I'll need it by X day though at the latest." (That'll take a bit of forward planning, so you've got enough to last).

Do you ever get cross with him? Like really cross and put your foot down?

It’s not really about the nappies and wipes is it?
If you suddenly realise you need some on a Wednesday, if he goes shopping that day as one of his spontaneous trips, you’re annoyed with him for not asking as you needed nappies and he’s not thought to ask. But what if you run out of nappies on a random Wednesday and he doesn’t happen to go shopping that day? Who gets them then, does someone (you?) have to make a trip out especially for them?
I think you just need a better shopping system. When you do the weekly shop, can you not ensure you’ve got enough so you don’t run out inbetween shops?
My partner and I use the Family Wall app that has a shared calendar and a shared shopping list. We use the shopping list so heavily. Through the week we both add bits on when we realise we are low, and then when it comes to doing the big weekly shop our list is ready, and then if one of us pops in midweek for a top up, we use the list to know exactly what is needed.

I would just let him come home without them and then when you inevitably need to go make it a leisurely trip, right over bath and bedtime. UNO reverso

"I wasn't asking you to go, i'm telling you to go bc they need XYZ. Thank you xx"

Set up a shared shopping list of what you need

We have a family whatsapp channel and when anyone needs anything from the shops we put it on there, then whoever goes to the shops next picks up everything on the list.

I think he sounds useless. Yes you're at home more but also working full time AND sorting kids. He should absolutely be collecting what the family need on the way home having noticed what is needed without being asked. Parenting is team work, not one person carrying the entire mental load on their own.

Reading through your comments you’ve got a bigger problem than your husband being thoughtless! What a dick! Can you uber eats/ other supermarket delivery for a smaller shop mid week?

This seems sensible but it might also drive you mad. We have this at my DH suggestion - he never uses it. But it is probably worth a try.

Why do you do the main shop? Can he not be in charge of that on the way home?

I’m totally with you OP. This would drive me nuts. I think the idea of a shared shopping list is a good idea but would he think to use it/look at it if he doesn’t think to call/message you when he’s going to/in Tesco? I don’t think so. I’d start making his life less convenient. If he’s been to Tesco & doesn’t let you know, get him to go back out again to get what you need for dinner/the kids etc. Hopefully he’ll learn soon enough as it should be less inconvenient for him to try to remember to ask you when he’s going than to be sent back out again. 🤷‍♀️ The whole mental load thing on women’s shoulders drives me nuts. It’s like having an extra child sometimes! It makes me wonder how some men (not all of course!) manage responsible jobs! 😂😵‍💫

this man would lose me the minute he started coming home regularly with beers and crisps

She means he has literally just gone to the supermarket but she then has to go again because he refuses to contribute to family life. If she does text him then ‘he’s not going to the shops’ this man will literally wait till after she’s gone if she says they need anything. And then take himself to the shop.

I hate useless lazy fucker men like this who have a family then think any work related to that family, no matter how trivial, is Not. Their. Job.

So what's the issue texting him if you need anything anyway? 🤔

This would infuriate me!

Do you pick up things for him during your shop that you could stop? Or anything else you could stop doing for him to make a point?

If the household needs stuff, why does he get a veto on when it is bought? He sounds incredibly selfish and immature. It shouldn’t be a question of responding ‘no I wont pop into Tesco tonight, so do without’…..he needs to grow up and you need to insist on more consideration and co-operation. If a mother was buying a nice Sauvignon on the way home because she fancied a glass but refused to visit the supermarket when the kids needed stuff, she would be flayed alive.

Then he MUST phone YOU when he's arriving there to give you a chance to ask for what you need.

If he refuses to do that, you know it's on purpose.

Absolutely this.

Would you mind sharing it? I have my shopping list as a checklist on my notes app, also sorted based on the layout of the supermarket we usually go to. But I was just thinking the other day that I would love a way to collect data on how frequently we buy some items and add them automatically to the list, to save me some thinking...

I'm with you, I'd be furious! He is being completely thoughtless and lazy. If he was pulling his weight at home he would know what you are running out of and pick them up without you having to ask.

We use a shared google keep shopping list. If it's on the list and one of us is at the shops, we pick up what's on it. If I need DH to get stuff because it's easier on his way home, I text him and tell him I need him to go to the shops. I wouldn't do a run to shops when he basically passes them on his way home anyway.

He may not decide to go until he's in the car, if he texts you as soon as gets to the shop, you probably won't have time to respond before he's already out.

Stop making it contingent on if he's going and start telling him what you need and by when and he can call in to get it whether he's going or not. You're doing the school runs because you're at home, why can't he do the top up shopping because he's already out of the house?

There are so many other ways to do it. The only reason I can think of for insisting that he's the one to initiate is so that it prompts you, and that's not a reasonable thing to get annoyed at him about, really. Or is this really a bigger issue about him breezing through life without a thought for the family and you doing all the mental load? Because that is infuriating, but I think this is the wrong focus.

This sounds maddening. I think it would make me want to scream.
I would sit down once more and explain that if he decides to go to the shop he should text you on the way. Then meet him at the door regularly and say "We need xxxx", and you go out and get it while he does bedtime - or he goes back out if he offers. If he says you should have texted earlier repeat that you didn't know he was going to the shop, he should have texted to let you know. If you do this often enough it might sink in.

He can just phone her.