At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

Thank you for your rather rude reply but I was reply to the OP where this was clearly NOT stated!
Even if she asks him and he doesn't bother, she needs to tell him again and again until he listens otherwise the relationship is doomed.

So he sees the shopping as your job and he's not prepared to do any? What a prince. I like the idea of walking out the door to go shopping and leaving him with the kids, cooking dinner etc every time he's been to Tesco and not asked if anything is needed. Go even if you don't really need anything. He'll soon buck his ideas up, selfish twat.

So he still thinks of himself as a single dude, and the other people living in his house are essentially roommates.

It's time to remind him there's no I in team. But first you have to ask him whether he sees himself as a member of the team or not.

Yes.

Sad but true.

Say to him: I need you to start getting things for the house when you go to Tesco on the way home because it's hard for me to get out as I am working. Here's a texted list of things we need. When you go, look at that list and get the stuff pretty PLEASE with sugar on top (vomit, but men seem to need this). Then act like he's a hero when he does remember. He will then keep doing it. Some men are like children in many ways so you have to manage them the same.

You're making this too complicated, when you need something send a message to let him know when you need it.

We have a group Whatsapp chat for shopping and we and the kids did things to the list so when one of us goes we can look at the list to see what's needed.

Yes he could make an effort to ask but you're also making it more complicated than it need to be.

I get the posts saying set up a list or chat etc but it feels to me that you're missing a first step of having a proper conversation with him to say that you need him to help when asked or even better to be proactive because you feel like you're taking more of the mental load and it's wearing you down. Dosen't matter if he thinks that you're not, you FEEL like you do and you need him to help that.

Why not?

I’d get him doing the shopping every other week. You work too, why are you letting him off the hook. What does he do around the house? The issue is that he sees shopping as your domain. He’s extremely selfish just popping in for stuff for himself and not caring if it could save you a trip to the shops. Only solved by giving him 50% of the responsibility of shopping (and anything else that he doesn’t do but should). Just because you don’t have a commute to work doesn’t mean you do everything.

This.

Bigger issue here is if you text him to pick up bread and nappies on the way home he won’t go get them unless he was planning to go to the shop for himself - selfish prick! And he also doesn’t message when he IS popping in to check if there’s anything needed

Basically he’s a selfish prick

He won’t go though unless he wants something so then what does OP do?

We have a shared family shopping list. Whoever uses something up adds it to the list, whoever is at the shops, checks and crosses it off.

I think you need to establish clearly that the weekly shopping is his responsibility. As you both work FT and you wfh so take on more duties in terms of getting children to school etc. It’s only fair as he’s the one in the car each day he adds weekly shop to jobs. If you think he’ll be useless and forget everything then create an online list you can update whenever you think of anything. He can’t simply say no - that’s not how family life works. This split of responsibilities makes sense - if he can’t see that he can start doing some school runs.

It doesn’t seem like a non issue to me! He won’t do the family shop, won’t go back for things the family need, only shops when he wants something and does so without thinking about the family at all?? He doesn’t seem to think that he has any role to play in family life except for occasionally doing a minor favour as long as he’s in the shops anyway.

id set up a joint list and update it every time something crossed my mind, text him every morning remember to check the list if you’re going to the shops, it’s your family too.

but I stopped shopping for our family because why would I do it all for us? I tried to share it but dh wasn’t pulling his weight so I stopped. Then dh wasn’t getting everything and wasn’t even telling me what he hadn’t got from the list so I pretty much stopped cooking too. I’m not going to last minute scramble for things because they were on the weekend list but not bought, he can cook.

Well, that's more of a problem - definitely uncaring of him and you can tell him so from me!

There’s an app called Bring that works well.

Ffs seriously. I don’t think it’s an issue, just text if you need anything. He is a big boy and he will have to go even if it isn’t one of the nights he intended to. It’s called coparenting and putting effort into the relationship.

.....then he's a selfish twat. Why on earth can't he stop ON HIS WAY HOME and pick up stuff, when you're at home with kids and it's much more of a faff for you to go out.

Honestly that would annoy me.
If I'm going to the shops I naturally ask my partner and vice versa. It's thoughtless but being solution focused, as annoying as it is someone suggested having a group chat where you add items you need to be picked up whenever he goes. I think that's a great idea.

That's where hes an arse. "Bob stop off and get some nappies on way home pls" if he doesn't send him back

We have a shared Google doc to write the list on. Game changer!

I mean my husband still doesn’t always look at it…

I’m with you OP. I am a SAHM and I have 3 ND children. All at different schools and I do 50 miles a day over a few hours, on the school run plus the other mountain of stuff that comes with that, and guess what, I still message my DH if I’m going to the shop to see if he wants anything and vice versa. I assume your mental load and physical load are at full capacity, so if he isn’t going on a set day, then he needs to let you know himself. What’s the issue with saying to him txt me when you leave work if you’re popping to the shops so I can let you know if we need anything, thanks. I’ve been working at home and with the kids all day 🤷‍♀️ especially since you’ve made it clear he won’t go just whenever you ask for something. I get it if he’s had a bad day, but if you genuinely need something and haven’t made it to the shops yourself, then he should be going. Being a partner and a parent doesn’t stop at working away or inside the home. It’s 24/7 and he and you should be doing whatever is needed as far as I’m concerned.

Yes. I'm sure there's an easy tech solution to this problem.

Years ago my partner would go to tesco occasionally from the office for lunch. I'd text him with a handful of items we needed just on the off-chance he was going there that day. He'd always go out and get the things even if he hadn't planned.

Your husband could send you a text to say he's going shopping on way home so he's not being very thoughtful. I'd send him out in the evening!