At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

I hear you OP. I am often popping to the shops on the way home from work and I just give DH a call to see if we need anything and he does a quick check as he's wfh. It's not hard!

Edit to add: if DH doesn't answer the phone usually pick up the essentials anyway as extras - small milk, small bread, eggs etc.

We use WhatsApp for general comms.

we use text for anything that's needed.. bread milk etc. so whoever goes to the shop next can grab bits. If you've brought bits, text done. Then you know what's needed.

In fact, it's so easy to text, it's almost like, he could just text and ask if she wants anything?

Set up a shared list app.

Or a WhatsApp group with hubby called Shopping. Dump on there things you remember. If he picks it up, leave a little emoji tick mark. If you pick it up, use another emoji to represent the same thing but is yours so you know who actually bought it.

These replies are insane!

I don’t have children but if I or DH stop in a supermarket we will message/call the other to see if there’s anything they need. It seems pretty basic to me.

So not only is she responsible for knowing what they have in or not, she now needs to train him, prepare a list to give him in advance? Surely if he is at the shop, he could just text and ask is there anything you need? Even he could manage that without training?

Not only does she have to plan, shop and look after school runs etc whilst working from home, it's her fault they have run out of stuff, her husband should be pissed off having to buy stuff when he is already in the shop getting things for himself ......

He needs to be more of an active partner in your domestic life. He needs to share the mental load instead of expecting you to do it all. Can you get him to take on something specific such as food shopping? His job only. Sit him down and tell him responsibilities need to be shared.

What do you mean 'again'?

Do you have a weekly shop routine?

Do you have a weekly shop delivery routine?

I would generally ask my DH if we needed anything if I was going to the shop. It's just common courtesy. I would be tempted to pop to Tesco's at tea time / bedtime and leave him to it.

It seems to me that most of the responses miss the real problem, which is that household management is falling entirely to @Pennysgirls and her husband actively refuses to help out, choosing to refuse to either think about the household while he’s in the shop; bother to ask OP what they need while he’s in the shop; or go to the shop unless he wants something for himself. He sounds almost deliberately perverse about it.

OP, could you make shopping his job? The whole domain of meal planning, stores management, and deciding when to actually do the shopping? That way, you can stick to the jobs which work around your work from home, he takes on a job which more naturally fits in with his schedule and inclination, and he pulls his weight a bit more with domestic tasks. And you won’t have to ask him to pick things up because he will, of course, pre-empt both running out and wanting items he hasn’t bought so he only needs to go to Tesco when it’s planned.

Why don’t you just do an online order to come every week?

Sorry, haven’t RTFT to see if anyone that has suggested this…

Your husband is not part of the house and family team. He has the trappings of home and family and that suits him at some level but he doesn’t have your back.
Even at the most basic level of not doing anything unless asked, he fails. He can’t be bothered even when asked.
You’re on your own pal.

I think you both need to text.

him “I’m popping to Tesco, do we need anything?”

you “can you pop into Tesco and grab X on your way home please?”

If he says he’s not going then you need to tell him to buck up his ideas as this is something that is needed and so he needs to stop there.

it’s not difficult….

I think the point is if you need something ask him to stop on way home to get it regardless if he is stopping for himself or not

Shared notes on iPhone is what we do but if he is popping in on the way home he does usually ask and vice versa

My husband used to do this when we first had children. He still often makes himself a drink without asking me - thoughtlessness.

I don’t know why everyone is being so obtuse - I totally agree, I don’t NEED apples so wouldn’t text DH to say please get apples, but in the same way I’d expect him to ask if I wanted a cup of tea when he’s making one, I’d expect him to say ‘I’m in the shop is there anything you want’ and then I’d say ‘oh some apples would be good’

A shared Alexa / WhatsApp list helps but I’d still want DH to check ‘anything urgent / extra we need”

It is appalling that he won’t go to the shop when his wife asks him to.

I don’t live with DP and we don’t have kids. I drive but he doesn’t have a car. I ask him if he wants anything at the shop every time I go over, and if he does I go to Sainsbury’s for him even if I don’t want anything.

The simple solution would be to get an app like Our Groceries which allows you to share shopping lists. Then every time he "pops in" to Tesco he can buy wherever you have added to the list.

However, the much more complex problem is that he obviously thinks the boring shopping in your job and nothing to do with him. You could suggest that ALL household shopping is now his responsibility as it's so much easier for him to get to the shops. Anyone with a basic sense of shame would turn right around and go back for nappies for their child, but I sense he is an arsehole who does not feel this basic empathy.

Is he a decent fellow with a peculiar blind spot where the family shopping needs disappears into some sort of mental Bermuda Triangle, or is he a dickhead? My husband would have been so ashamed of not taking shared responsibility for something as basic as ensuring his child had enough nappies.

My DH often messages me if we need anything or I message him to pick something up on the way home. He will go to the shop if I ask him even if he wasn’t planning to as would I.

So I get where you’re coming from as I don’t think your DH is being a team player. He won’t go the shop to pick something up that’s needed. But says if you tell him to get something when he’s going anyway he will. But you can’t know this unless he tells you when he’s going which he doesn’t.

I think he’s being selfish to be honest. When you’ve got kids and are both working, you always need bits and bobs to keep things ticking over. It’s hardly a big ask to grab something on the way home if it’s going to make life easier for your family in some way whether or not you planned to make the stop in the first place.

We have Amazon echoes, and the Alexa app on our phones that has the shopping list, we will both tell it to add items to the shopping list when needed, either one of us will check the list when at the supermarket

What?

If you need something , you ask husband to call for it at Tesco, he won't do that if he doesn't want to?

Wtf?

@Pennysgirls absolutely agree with you OP, whoever is at the supermarket texts or rings the other to see what’s needed. There’s always something. I always text, sometimes don’t let a response in time, then have to nip back in!

How about use your eyes and read the thread?? Honestly, the replies on here are completely bizarre.
OP has already clearly explained that if she asks him to go to the shop he won’t go, he will only go if he wants to get something for himself and refuses to go any other time.

I can see why this is maddening - he doesn’t think household shopping has anything to do with him. I don’t understand how he can’t see that it’s just basic common sense to ask if you need anything while he’s at the supermarket. Does it inconvenience him if you need to go back out? I’m wondering if leaving him to cook and look after the kids every time he does this might make him see how annoying it is.