At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

What a prick. It’s not like the nappies and wipes are for you, they’re for your joint child. If he’s not going and you text that you need them, then absolutely he should go, sounds a bit controlling to me.
Also it’s his job to change nappies as well so why doesn’t he know that you’re running low?

What a prick. It’s not like the nappies and wipes are for you, they’re for your joint child. If he’s not going and you text that you need them, then absolutely he should go, sounds a bit controlling to me.
Also it’s his job to change nappies as well so why doesn’t he know that you’re running low?

Just send him back out again. He'll soon learn it's easier to ask.

Why don’t you have a shared shopping list on your phones, then all he needs to do is check the list on his phone to see if anything has been added

I don't get some of the replies on here.

It is just thoughtful and courteous to ask your OH if there is anything you/we need while at the shops when you are going for yourself anyway.

It would piss me off too.

You may well not want or need anything but it takes 2 seconds to just call or message and ask the question. If you do need something, and you can get it while you are there, surely you would want to, to save your OH having to take the time to go themselves, or having to go back again yourself the next day? It is just common sense to me, to ask the question.

It would be like being sat together in the lounge and getting up to make a cuppa and not asking your OH if they would like one too. You just wouldn't do that would you?

Ffs my mother and father had a better system than this fifty years ago, Mum needed something she didn’t have time/opportunity to get, she’d ring my Dad at work and ask him to pick up bread/milk/dog food on the way home, it would duly appear, if he didn’t hear from her he’d call her.

What are are you running out of things like wipes and nappies in between the main shop? It’s not like they go off! Just buy enough. Is he in the car or public transport? I’d be pissed off picking up bulky stuff like nappies (and likely overpriced in a convenience shop) that you could have foreseen the need for, if on the tube/on foot etc. Unless he’s in charge of the main shop and is responsible for the shortfall, in which case YANBU.

I get this is annoying. When I go to the shops I look in the fridge to see if we’re also low on basics, think about what we’re going to be eating the next couple of days and make sure we have what we need. When DP goes he’ll get what is needed to buy lunch or what he fancies for later but never thinks ahead. He would always go to the shop if I asked him to though

What’s he like generally? Does he pull his weight with the housework and childcare? If not then this is a bigger problem of him not seeing household tasks as his problem

Your household seems to have a confusion shopping set up. Having a shared list would be a good start, so that both of you can take responsibility to stock up items. And when you are low on something, ask your husband to stop by the shop and buy it, which he should do irrespective of whether he had planned to. Equally, it seems irritating for him to tell you every time he goes to the shop, in case you need something.

I think your problem is that he NEVER does any shopping for the family. Does he do anything else or is he generally a useless lump?

Responses here are bizarre.

Walk into a food shop ...have family and significant other ...check if they need anything. Absolutely basic...the lowest possible awareness you have shared responsibilities and aren't single 🤦‍♀️

When we got married, my husband said - “if you need me to do something, ask. I’m not a mind reader and I won’t know unless you tell me.”

It was actually a really helpful piece of advice and a bit of a mindset change for me because, like you, I was brought up in a family where people didn’t really directly ask for things.

15 years later he’s involved enough that I don’t usually have to ask and in fact it’s often the opposite - I’m working away and don’t know what it is that he needs.

It certainly bloody annoying, but you also need to train him. Give him a list on a Sunday evening or some time that works for you.

It took about 6 years to train my DP out of this. He would swan in smiling, with his carrier bag of beers, a snack he fancied, and some of the things he likes to take for his lunches at work. Meanwhile we have almost no loo roll/ nappies/ milk/ ingredients for that night’s family dinner, and I’m heading out of the door to the supermarket (having done loads of other domestic labour that day). It took him a few years to learn to text me ‘going to shop do we need anything’ when he was…. walking into a shop.
DUHHHH

Honestly, the replies on the first page are so depressing and perpetuate outdated gendered roles. The point is, OP shouldn’t have to keep asking for things needed by ALL family members or those that benefit their joint children.

It would be nice for him to take initiative but the very least he could do is ask if they need anything on his little ad hoc trips.

OP, you don't ask. You tell him to stop at tesco's on him way home to get nappies as you've run out(even if you didn't). Works with mine:)

OP I don’t know why your very straightforward gripe is causing such utter confusion for some PPs. Yes your DH should be able to grasp the concept of knowing he is going to stop off at Tesco and checking with you to see if you need nappies or even actually checking himself before he leaves the house. He’s a knob end.

You can have a shared list on notes. DH and I have one. When one of us sees that something has run out we pop it on the list and it updates on both phones. When one of us is going via a supermarket we check the list and get what’s on there.

Then use your words and TELL HIM!!!
Hi, can you stop by the shops tonight on your way home please and get nappies and wet wipes? Thanks!
Doesn't matter if he wasn't planning to go their tonight or even if he went yesterday! If you need something, flipping well tell him!!!

What a selfish knob.

Is this the only issue you have with him, or is this just the tip of the iceberg?

Then use your words and TELL HIM!!!

How about OP’s husband uses his brain so she DOESN’T HAVE TO TELL HIM EVERY BLEDDY SIMPLE THING.

You have my sympathies. It would drive me nuts. I don’t know why some people can’t forward think about such simple things.

Every time he does it, send him back out to get what you need. Hopefully it will eventually sink in 🤯

I don't think this is in 'wit's end territory, sorry OP!

If you need him to stop at the shop, don't ask if he's going - just message him and say baby needs nappies & wipes so can you get some on the way home please? Surely he's not going to say no!

Or do a weekly online order, you'll waste less and can.make sure that you don't run out of essentials.

Did you read the post? It’s Tesco where I also do our main shop and I can’t predict what we are doing to run out of. And he drives, I’m not asking him to carry 4 packets of nappies on the tube. But if he can manage 8 beers he can manage to carry 2l of milk

That does sound annoyingly, can you set up some form of shared shopping list e.g a Google sheet - you just put things on there and ask him to check it each time he goes?

We have any list which works for us but I think it cost £30 for a year, s free Google sheet would work just as well.