At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

We have set up a whatsapp group called 'shopping list' and any of us can add things to it. When me or DH are on way home from work or just out and about we check the list and try to get whats on it. Successful purchases are ticked off. Works really well for us. Can post the names of things we need or photos if specific item easier to find that way such as sons go to deodorant. Maybe try this. Your DH would have to accept joint responsibility with you for remembering to check the list each day.

I disagree with your analogy, it is like comparing peas with carrots.

As I said previously, communication is always key. If the OP has real issues, she needs to make these clear and come up with solutions, along with her husband. He is probably totally oblivious to the way she is feeling. Instead of moaning on mumsnet, sit down together and thrash out the real issues.

I have been married 43 years. I had 5 children under 7 years, went to work and also trained as a registered nurse. Team work and organisation are the order of the day. I couldn't have achieved the above without my husbands help.We make a great team now, it has taken time and patience, but it wasn't always like that.

The OP's husband can't mind read. What are the real issues here, is it the shopping, not coping, or is it that the OP is feeling like she is being taken advantage of? Only she truly knows, but she needs to put things in motion. I wish her good luck?💜

Hit a nerve for you did it?

Tell me I'm wrong though. Its exactly what he is doing. He is taking time to shake off his work day before, take a moment of peace, before walking into chaos. I be its the only peace he gets in his day.

without my husbands help

Husbands don't "help" Linnende

they are there as part of a team of two, a husband doesn't help in the house or with the children, its his housework and his childcare

there is a fundamental difference - you hire help, you don't marry help

It’s your use of language about the OP I took offence to. I feel that it says more about you than her. It’s very pejorative and nasty. Is that how you talk to people in IRL?

This ‘men that help’ idea has to go doesn’t it! It should be team work and the only time one person holds the entire mental load and delegates in the work arena is when they are above the other in an hierarchy and are usually paid accordingly. Women have been doing that domestically, unpaid and de-valued, for decades and then men expect a medal for ‘helping’ to raise their child and keep their house. It is changing but so slowly. I work in a team with younger women and they are ALL working part time so they can juggle child care. It’s them that do the vast majority of the domestic labour. It’s them taking a hit in their earning potential despite having comparable careers to their husbands. It’s them that have to take the day off if a child is sick. Why? Because that’s how society has socialised them and their husbands. A senior male manager seems to be sharing the load and him and his wife seem to figure out who’s got what on in their diary and decide whose work day is harder to cancel. They are not the norm.

Get a little whiteboard, the floppy sort that sticks to the fridge door. Keep an ongoing shopping list. Train him to read the list and buy what's on it whenever he happens to be in the supermarket. It works well in our multi adult household and saves time consuming messaging.

Yeah this would annoy me. I'm the one who tends to go into the office. And if I'm going past a shop on the way home, I text my fella and ask if he/we need anything. It's not hard to get into the way of doing. He's being stubborn because he wants to suit himself. Refuses to tell you when he's going, but if you ask him (as requested) then he won't go / defers it back to you. So is there actually an option he's willing to table that involves him being the team player? It's not worth an argument. But I'd maybe do a bit of the ole therapy speak, "when you do x, it makes me feel y" and try and work on some solutions.

So what difference does it make if you asked him to and he wouldn't? Sounds more like you are sick of having to think of everything. But everyone is right, if you want him to text you, a text to him wouldn't hurt, as if he would t go when you ask then you are still in the position you would have been that you are not getting nappies, baby wipes etc.

I speak the truth. Even you havent disagreed with what I've said. You just didn't like the way I said it. Well too bad. You have no empathy for the poor chap in the narative. That says a lot about you.

Have an online shopping list that you put stuff on and whoever is at the shops uses it. Clearly this is a shared online list. This has been the best thing we have done.

You both should be helping each other. Has worked for us, 43 years of marriage proves this💜

I don’t care enough to agree or disagree with you.

“I can only imagine the passive agressive posturing and snappy attitude you are giving him.
Ask yourself why he isnt rushing home to see you at the end of the working day.”

That is unnecessarily nasty. Thats the only point I wish to make in response.

I have to say this would drive me mad! Those who are saying why dont you text him when you need something, that is just putting the mental load on her of thinking about it, texting him and waiting for his reply (which seems to usually be Im not going today) and then planning her own trip to get the items at some point. It would be much easier and more thoughtful/ helpful if he was nipping in just to text and say Im in Tesco is there anything you want. My husband is quite thoughtless when it comes to stuff around the house but he would definitely let me know if he was nipping to the shop on his way home. If he didnt and he came he with beers or whatever Id definitely be asking him to go back for the milk!

It doesnt help to pretend the issue is somethiing that it is not. The person posting did so for validation or opinion. Many others are posting in response about communication and this isnt an issue to be upset about. Meanwhile I have expressed an opinion, which whilst raw to you, is probably very accurate. Men dont want to be dumped on when they walk in the door. They want calm and peace. The narative describes a disconnect between this couple. The person posting hasnt corrected me to say I'm wrong. But you cared enough to take a pop at me and try to discredit what I said by attacking me and saying I'm being nasty. The truth is the truth. What would you have me say? Oh you are so hard done by, they guy is an A-hole, he should be doing more, he should read your mind and get things you need but never told him were required. No, the truth is the chap is taking time to decompress between work and a home life where he gets dumped on as soon as he steps in the door. By knowing why the chap is doing what he is doing the person can either take steps to fix the problem or do nothing and wait for the inevitable disolution of the relationship. Men will put up with a lot, and for a long time, but eventually it wears them down enough that it is no longer worth it. This is not a couple working as a team. This is not a couple with a future, unless they change. This is a problem that could be fixed. But denying the root cause is not going to lead to a resolution. I called it out in a very truthful way. I.e what/why he is stopping at Tesco. If this described your own situation then work on it before it is too late.

I don’t get the problem either. If he’s out at work he might not realise you need bread/milk/nappies or his mind is on other things. Just text him and say can you pick these things up tonight please? That’s what I do.

Also you do school runs, but your children are in nappies? Eh?

This could help you: We have a shared shopping list app (Anylist). Each of us has it installed and it is all linked so we all see the same. My wife, 11 & 15yr olds and myself add to it as we use stuff in the house (strict no arsing around rules applied under pain of losing phone.) Whenever any of us are in the supermarket we clear the list (or get what we can manage). Also when more than one of us is in the shop together we can split up and get the job done more quickly. I know your kids are too young right now op but train 'em early as well as getting your husband on track.

That is the whole point. If he was thoughtful he should know or at least ask.

Do you think she feels dumped on by the whole of family life? That he is decompressing and she isn't allowed that luxury? She will put up with a lot for a long time and then think it isn't worth it.

Yet another bloke that needs a detailed itinerary before he can possibly think beyond his own beer and crisps. Weaponised incompetence. Wish I'd thought of it years ago.

Yet another man that can’t take criticism and uses a DARVO technique. Yawn.

“Men dont want to be dumped on when they walk in the door. They want calm and peace.”

Have I gone back to the 1950s?

If that’s what men want then may be men shouldn’t have children.

100%

“ If he’s out at work he might not realise you need bread/milk/nappies”

If he’s fully engaged in the task of raising the kids and the domestic and mental labour that comes with that, he would have noticed the dwindling nappies and milk in the morning and make a written or mental note to pick them up.

So you missed the OP saying that SHE DOES THIS and he refuses to go and get them?