At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

This is a good idea. Ask him to go by tesco for nappies, and if he says he’s not going anyway tonight <his family aren’t worth it> then when he walks in say ds is bathed and needs bedtime, ds2 needs bath teeth story and bed, we need nappies and I’m going to the tesco’s since you didn’t want to. Every time. Enjoy your solitary shop time. Come home and be mad at him if he hasn’t done bath and bed.

Say the thing: you go to the shops and do not think about the needs of your wife and children.

there are some useful suggestions here which you haven’t acknowledged. Yes he sounds selfish, which is probably the bigger issue - he’s probably selfish about other things if this is anything to go by. But to make life easier, really stock up on the things you normally run out of

I feel your pain! I also see the logic in the replies, but they seem to miss the fact that there are some things he could do, has been asked specifically to do those things, and simply doesn't do them.
It is absolutely infuriating, and I'm sorry to have no useful suggestion. DH and I get along fine, have done for 30 years, but he still has his own, (carefully curated) blind spots.
Hang in there if he's otherwise a decent human being. The nappies and urgent needs for calpol aren't forever, and the stress is real, but it passes. Your man might still have his quirks, mind, but they just won't matter so much or so often!

He doesn't have your needs to your children's needs in his head. You might need to force the issue by leaving him with kids for a few days and don't get any supplies in. He should have a better understanding whenever he last to live; As soon as you et home, don't take the children but sink into the sofa and say you are shattered and what is for tea.

Also, if the eat nonsense and the routine is messed up, it's not the end of the world. Stop ordering buying these things (maybe stash some emergencies) and let him realise all the prep and planning that is involved with running a family.

Then vocalise the issue: you are refusing to get your children food. Why? If you need to, say how would your mum/ my mum/ your baby when they grow up feel about this? Would you tell your coworkers this story? Why?

Tell him. It should be instinctive: what do myrecorying wife a child need?

Yikes, once again responsibility fall upon the woman "You need to train him". Are adult males like poodles? Performing seals? No! Sit the other adult down and ask him why he doesn't take equal responsibility

Nah, he's thought about it. Would rather leave the shopping to OP as she's the woman and that's her responsibility. He's at work and thats his contribution. Oh she's at work too? Well She's got the household running well so just let her keep on with it. It will all get done without him bothering.
I really don't think it is thoughtlessness.

So if you asked him to pick up stuff why would he ignore your request? Is this a control thing?

Get him to do an 'on line' shop ?

Its true though that there are men who only notice something needs to be bought when it only starts to affect THEM. I always say to my husband put it on a list but he never does. I totally get OPs annoyance.

Seriously?

How about, the father of two, stops being a selfish arse and asks his busy wife what the household needs before strolling around Tesco?

I am sorry @Pennysgirls but you husband is a selfish arse and he is in the process of training you. You will do it because it is easier, and your expectations of him will get lower and lower. you will do more and more.

I suggest that you get a handle on this asap, as when those babies grow, your tasks get much harder.

My suggestion?

He does the top up shop once a week. Lock in a day. Have a rotation of things that go on it - taken off your main list. Try to make it the things that he likes. After all, you need to train him now. If he does not do it, no fights, no arguments - just hand over the babies and disappear for a while, preferably leaving him short of the things he failed to buy.

Also - lock in certain household tasks that are always his - eg laundry. It is worth the battle.

Good luck.

I can't believe how women accept such low standards based on the responses!

I am with you @Pennysgirls if we continue to mother men, they continue to be little boys. We shouldn't have to chase their tails they're fully grown adults. Its not your job to make sure the kids have everything thry need.

It would annoy the heck out of me too.

This is the problem, he should stop at a shop to get you what you need regardless if he’s going for himself. If you need something especially for the children I would expect my husband to get it Likewise if I was out and he asked me pick something up I would do it. If I needed nappies and my husband said he is not getting them I would have a big problem with that

If you are a thoughtful person then being with some who’s thoughtless is a tough gig

Whenever I go to visit girlfriends of the past or when I’ve been married, I always asked if they needed anything from the supermarket or any other shop, it was rarely reciprocated.

One girlfriend i had, I used to do the weekly shopping for her and her daughter and pay for it, because I knew she never had much money, and she couldn’t even be bothered to text me a shopping list despite me constantly reminding her to do so.

If that’s his only fault then you’ll just have to take it in the chin, but just have a gentle word with him anyway.

If I text my husband he will just detour on the way home and grab it.

It really isnt a big deal.

If he made it a big deal then theres an issue.

I also work from home with a little one so harder for me to get out the house, i expect my husband to understand that. X

If you were at work and your equal colleague always asked you what to do next, would you tell them that communication was key or expect them to learn to think for themselves?

the op is “carrying” the father, he needs to start thinking for himself

communi is part of team work, but each individual needs to know what needs doing and not rely on the other to tell them all the time

You sound 10. Looking forward to school tomorrow?

So true. My ex once took over the domestic stuff for a short time. Suddenly we had a the cleaner we couldn’t afford before!

I can’t get past ‘if I asked him to go and he wasn’t planning to, he wouldn’t go.’
WTF?

That aside, I don’t know why a grown adult needs to be told to get things for his own household anyway.
Well, actually I do: because some men seem to consider the mental load and looking after everyday things to be their partner’s responsibility.

Get a shared shopping list on Google Drive/online or use similar (which updates in real time) - that way all you have to do is add to it as and when and he can check on his way to Tesco…..assuming he remembers to check it & has WiFi etc….. & get HIM to delete item once purchased - that way you both have input/control…

Very clever.