At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

You can use online shopping. You can add to it right up until the night before delivery. You can do in between shops. Maybe your husband stops off as a break after being in the office. My husband is blind. I was just grateful he could still manage to get to work albeit by taxi as I was not and have not been capable to work, since our little child was killed.

I can understand on one level why people see this as an easily solvable issue - just text him, just remind him, just ask him to pick up what you need. Sure, seems reasonable on the face of it but if you’re the one carrying the mental load of running the household and tracking supplies, groceries, meals, nursery runs, appointments, everyone’s schedule and also working, it can feel more than a bit unfair to be the one having to constantly remind, follow up or keep track. He’s an adult too, it’s his family and household too…no reason why he can be a bit more proactive on checking in on what is needed for the home to function. It seems women are so conditioned to believe it’s their responsibility to be chief organiser and manager of all things household related that men are often let off the hook and patted on the back for ‘helping’ or picking up a treat. Sorry, but it’s their responsibility too!

In our house, it's the other way round. I do the shopping. I tell everyone to let me know if they want anything otherwise I get the usual stuff. It took a while but they eventually got the hang of it. If they message they want something, I add it to my list and get it next time.

he is the other parent and should be able to share the responsibility - not have to be told what needs doing in the household - that is not how a team works

Shared shopping list, sorted.

I think.the real problem is that he wont pick up anything that he doesnt want personally, even when asked. And doesnt care that he could have made your life a little easier. If that doesnt spread to other areas of your life then on line shopping. If it does, rethink the relationship.

I make deliveries for one of the big 4 supermarkets (I'm not allowed to say which one, think orange !), we do a 'same day' delivery service, place order by midday, you'll receive it in the evening after 5pm at a time slot which suits you, many customers order nappies and baby formula.......😊

The supermarket detour on the way home is just him buying quiet time betweeen leaving work and before he walks into a house of screaming kids and a hostile wife.
If you arent communicating and you are becoming resentful I can only imagine the passive agressive posturing and snappy attitude you are giving him.
Ask yourself why he isnt rushing home to see you at the end of the working day.

Why don't you split or rotate all household chores with your husband? I think sometimes, some men, just don't think. In a nutshell, you haven't trained him very well. Only you can manage the situation. Sadly, nobody on mumsnet can do this for you💜

He would have to be an idiot not to realise that things are needed on a weekly basis. I am a man, go to tesco weekly on my way home and pretty much know what we need, so just get the stuff

We also have an old school shopping list on the kitchen worktop, which we add to.

Shared note on iphone for rolling shopping list. Anyone can add to it and for whoever goes shopping its there and you cross stuff off. This also stops anyone telling you that something has run out in the house. They can add it to list themselves.

Communication is always key. he certainly needs directions from you. He can't mind read!

If things were fair, as you both work full time, he would actually be aware of what is needed without you telling him at all. He would be doing enough nappy changes to know that you are running low and let you know he’ll pick some up on the way home.

Or he can engage his brain to notice what is needed himself rather than relying on her to do the entire mental load.

@Pennysgirls I get it-its exhausting being the person who has to think of everything. My brain gets fried. Also you sound quite tied to the house while he gets to have personal side quests whenever he wants.
This is more about resentment of inequality of freedom and responsibility than of the practical logistics of picking up whats needed, right?

DH once hot irritated with me asking when he was in / what he wanted to eat when I was writing the food shopping list. He was like "why dont you just go to the supermarket and buy food" however hed be the first to complain if we didn't have something specific, like we live in a supermarket that has everything in stock at all points. There was no consideration for what it takes to keep a house stocked with the right foods and avoid waste.

I snapped and told him I was on strike for a month, he had to plan, shop and cool all the food and household staples. He constantly started cooking and had to nip to the supermarket mid recipe because he didn't have something, it was chaos.

Er. Projecting much?

Agree! He shouldn't need to read her mind. If hes actively participating in the running of the household he should know the bog roll is nearly out at home when hes swanning down the isles of big tesco.

Women notice things around the house with their eyes and brains rather than their vaginas. I hear that men have eyes and brains too.

We both use the ‘Notes’ app on our phones with the checklist feature to create a shopping list for anything we need to get. You can share the list, so whenever one of us is out shopping we can just look at the list and tick off the items as we get them. Sounds complicated but it’s really simple and, as it shares the updates in real time, even if we’re out at the same time we don’t end up both buying the same stuff.
Reminds me about the man who came staggering back with bags full of shopping, apologising to his wife that he only managed to get 78 bread rolls. ‘Why did you need 100 rolls anyway?’
Puzzled, she looked at his list. Then the light dawned. ‘That’s loo rolls you idiot…..’

I think you're massively overreacting to a problem that's both trivial and very easy to solve. And Forgive me for saying it, but you sound like you'd be a bit of a nightmare to live with.

You both work FT. He has more chance to go to Tesco than you, as his job is out of the home. So it makes more sense that he becomes responsible for monitoring household supplies of nappies and such like for his children. Then he will know himself when he needs to go to Tesco and what he needs to buy for the household, and no one will need to message anyone.

Not read the full thread, but have read all of the OP posts.

OP, text him the following:

"When you are going shopping, please get the following.
Nappies
Baby wipes
(anything else you occasionally run out of, which won't go off)

Also, please ring me - NOW - and ask me if there is anything else useful you can pick up!"

Now he has no excuse. You've texted him as requested, and if he reads the text he won't be able to argue that he didn't think to ring you, or forgot.

You sound like a melter.

Do you both have iPhones? You can do a shared list on notes and both add things and he can check when he goes what the house needs

Oh, so he wants you to manage the family & he'll do whatever you tell him (I bet, only if it suits him)
You project manage & organise whilst he does ...... well, fuck all be hes your third child.

It sounds like you are doing all of the working out what is needed in the home? This is labour that is hidden and taken for granted. A lot of men leave all of the shopping, menu planning and organising child care etc to the women in their lives. If all adds up to extra mental load.

It sounds as if he doesn't want to take any responsibility for this and will only do this on his terms. It's hard to text him with a shopping list if you don't know when he is going to the shops and he seems reluctant to make a social trip if you do text him anyway.

It would be good to share this responsibility rather than assuming its all down to you.