At wits end with husbands thoughtlessness

[Pennysgirls]

Just really here for a want. We have 2 young children and we both work full time, I work from home though so am at home more and do most of school runs etc.
husband works in office every day, the reason I’m at my wits end is because he will stop at tesco on way home from work maybe once or twice a week and get himself a few bits, maybe even get me a little treat (which of course is nice) but won’t think to text and ask if we need anything or even use his own brain to think what we might need. Children still in nappies so things like nappies, baby wipes etc are things we go through a lot.
when I speak to him about it he says I should just let him know or I should ask is he going but that’s just one more thing to add to my to do list

Presumably your husband is a fully functioning adult. Maybe ask him why he expects you to ask him if he is going to the shop, instead of him telling you when he is going to the shop?
Why is the onus on you?
To me it's like him expecting his work to phone him and ask him why he hasn't gone in, when he should be phoning them to tell them why he isn't in. Possibly not the best analogy but hopefully you see what I mean.

Keep an ongoing communal list of things between you both that you need. then yeah get annoyed if he doesn't get anything on one of his trips

There's a very good shopping list app called Our Groceries which my wife and I use all the time. If you both have the same list open on your 'phones it automatically updates as items are added and removed. Perhaps it might help in your situation.
https://www.ourgroceries.com/overview

Don't even worry about that ... "please pick up x, y, z on way home please"

I don't know if this would help, but we keep a pen and strips of white cardboard (recycled from other things) in the kitchen drawer, and every time one of us realises we are running low on something, we write it on the list. Then, whichever one of us is going near the shops, we grab the list and pen and off we go. It works like a dream, but you both need to write everything you need on the list for it to work properly. Once everything is crossed off, start another list. We use a pen with an 'arm' on it to clip onto the list 😊. Good luck. This sounds like an organisation thing rather than something bad.

Just presume he will be going into a shop and text him a note of what is needed. It will then be up to him to tell if he isn't I'm curious as to what stuff for himself he makes a trip into a store about a couple of times after work.

Yeah this would annoy me too op. DH always calls when he’s on his way home to see if he needs to stop and get anything. Saves a trip out later.

we have an app called Bring. It’s a household shopping app so anything that needs to be added either my husband or myself add it on and we get a notification and both can see what is needed as it’s a shared list. We use the app when shopping and Click the item once it’s been added to trolley etc and it comes off the list. It’s on your phone so it’s never a piece of paper or someone else memory or guessing game of what’s needed.

We have a shared list on our phones, we both put anything we notice on there and the next person in a shop picks it up.

Sorry to be blunt but I hear hidden resentment. He's out of the house when you are stuck at home. I get it.But count your blessings-he gets you little gifts.I was stuck at home with 4 kiddies and an abusive, violent man.It could always be worse.

It sounds to me like you feel he is being a bit selfish (thoughtless) or even that you feel annoyed you are carrying the mental load. I totally get it, whilst this feels like a typical guy thing, not intentional or to upset you, it can feel exhausting being the only one worrying about the basic things and feeling responsible for it all and then he just swings into Tesco free as a bird and even if he messages

I just ask my husband to pick stuff on the way home.

I couldn’t stand to be with a man who routinely buys stuff for himself without calling me first to see if I/we as a family need anything I think it’s bizarre tbh and utterly self-centred

Well say "if you're going to Tesco tonight get some ?????" It's not rocket science.

Why do women keep having babies with these inept men?
Not only does he not think about the running of the household, but he refuses to go when you need things. He is a dick.
Personally I would stop picking stuff up for him mm in the weekly shop. If he can't be bothered to think about you and your kids, don't bother thinking about him. Petty, but sounds like the only language he would understand.

I’ve just started reading this thread and can’t believe the number of posters saying it’s a non problem and just ask him! Hold the phone… they are BOTH parents, they should BOTH be thinking about household needs. Not waiting for the OP to remind their husband what they are short of. This is the beginning of the domestic load being firmly placed on the OP’s shoulders. Leave it like this and in 2 years’ time OP will be posting about exhaustion, drudgery , loss of sense of who they are and a self centred DH who just thinks of himself. Nip this in the bud NOW and get him to start thinking about the whole family and not just himself when he feels like it.

Use his uselessness against him. When he gets gone and hasn’t asked if you needed something but went to the shops - say ‘ok I’ll go’ and then go to shops for a leisurely wander, have a coffee, get some take away and eat it by yourself.

Ohhh that is so frustrating. Especially if you feel you're doing everything and he can't consider you when doing this small task. You don't need more on your plate. Sorry OP. What happens if you intentionally drop the ball? Could you create a situation where he has to pick it up? Spaghetti hoops for dinner every night until he remembers to get something for dinner?

just keep a post it on the fridge. write on it what you need and send it to him as he finishes work. tell him you're going to do it every night. end it with kisses and love yous too. the man's not psychic and he wants to be told what you need. he can't read your mind. this is not about that anyway you are resentful at doing more parenting than him. so tell him and sort it out

I completely see the issue here and i would be frustrated too. He only goes if HE wants something, not if something is needed. And then he doesn’t tell you if he’s going - so you don’t even know if you NEED to tell him to get stuff. But here is the kicker - they are also HIS children and he is a grown man so he should take it upon himself of he wants to go get a packet of crisps to message and ask or heaven forbid - just figure it out on his own. We need to stop with the weaponised incompetence!

I'm with OP, it's lacking thoughtfulness. You shouldn't need to ask. He should be checking before he goes. I'd ask him every day just to wind him up!

So if you asked him to pick up nappies on the way home, he'd refuse unless he had planned to go the Tesco for himself? What a prince. No wonder you're angry.

You're poor husband..lol you're at "your wits end"

My husband doesn't have this problem but if he did the only way I could get him to change would be to then force him into something else he might hate more I.e I pop off to the shops by myself and he looks after the kids by himself because he didn't message..

(My husband wouldn't bat an eyelid but if he was the kind of man who'd fuck about with the supermarket stuff then I could imagine he might also be a man who found thinking about anyone but himself would be difficult...)

He thinks shopping is your job.

All the shared lists in the world won't make a difference.

He's purposely not being helpful.

He refuses to stop at Tesco for family items.

The only way he's going to let you know he's going to the supermarket and /or stop off if you ask is if it affects him directly.