Financial incompatibility in a new relationship

[SapphireSteel28]

My partner died 9 years ago, and I only felt ready to date the past 15 months. I had to focus on my children, but now they’re 17 and 23. I met someone straight away, and that lasted 5 months, but fizzled out, then I met another man who I was with until 2 weeks sgo. He is extremely wealthy but wasn’t the best at treating me well-there was gaslighting and lying but we were very physically compatible. I didn’t feel “in love” with either of these men but enjoyed spending time with them. Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same. I haven’t felt like this since my partner died. However-he is financially insecure. I own my own home and have a pension and savings -I didn’t inherit anything as my late partner had no life insurance. I’ve worked for it myself in a stressful career. We are both in our 50s. I can’t decide whether he is drawn to me as a solution for his financial problems or likes me for myself. I can’t decide whether it’s better to stop it now before it gets more intense. Can a relationship work with a financial imbalance?

Unfortunately, on this forum, yes, it seems you will be judged as losers.
MN on the whole is very wealth obsessed.

Not the point of the thread, but how do you meet all these men so easily? I'm intrigued as find online dating has slim pickings!

@dragonflygold Totally!
I am very proud of what I have achieved, especially so over my years as a working single mum. And I didn't ever need a new man; I chose one!

You seem really bothered about others’ opinions, this thread isn’t about your relationship it’s about the man OP is seeing, who appears to be a bit of a loser based on what we’ve been told so far.

As you’ve asked, I’d say if is your husband has never owned a home or earned much above minimum wage at 50 years old it is loser territory.

It would depend on the circumstances.

My mum was widowed in her 40’s. She was wealthy. She met a guy with no money. They had a great relationship and 40 years later are still together. They remained in separate houses, lived together part time (at hers as his place is a bit duff). He was very good to her/for her. They had fun, went on days out, she paid for occasional holidays for him. She went on holidays with me and her grandkids mostly. He did a lot of DIY, gardening and decorating etc for her. She cooked for him. I find myself post divorce with a similar set up. I am relatively wealthy. My partner has no saved money. Rents. Self employed, earns enough to get by. Very kind, thoughtful, reliable. Helps me with DIY, gardening, fixing my car. Cooks for me. Gets on great with my kids. We have a good relationship, have fun, laugh a lot. My ex H was wealthy, didn’t share a bean, wasn’t interested in doing anything I needed or wanted. My life with him was lonely and miserable. I know which I prefer.

I'm in the midst of ending a nearly 10 year relationship. My soon to be ex partner has made some poor decisions in his life so while he has no debt anymore, he has minimal savings, a small pension and earns less than half what I do. We dealt with all that ok until recently when he decided he wanted to change career. His logic was sound but never involved me in the decision making and he was recently offered a starter role in this new career. It involves less pay and a worse pension. It may ultimately lead to better things but that's not certain, and he didn't ask me what I thought. He got really annoyed at me when I calmly and politely expressed reservations, born out of me feeling the weight of knowing it's my savings that pay for household repairs, holidays, etc, and the stress of working extra hard, extra office days with a long commute, etc, for a bonus so it can go into my pension to ultimately support us both. Just a "are you ok with this", out of courtesy, would have made all the difference.

Anyway. This isn't why we're breaking up per se but my point is that financial disparity can work but it becomes an issue if the other person doesn't seem to appreciate that their actions impact you and your feelings of responsibility. You need to feel like you're a team for it to be sustainable. Sometimes that financial disparity exists because of different values and priorities and that can be hard to overcome.

I'm not reading that he's a loser at all and I'm reading the same thread.

Quoting OP: “he is financially insecure.”

“think he had a party lifestyle and then his marriage broke down and she stayed in the house, but that was rented anyway.”

“He rents a flat and has a stable job but doesn’t earn a lot more than his rent.”

So he’s in his 50s, earns minimum wage and has never owned a home.

@SapphireSteel28 Now I’ve met another man and we’ve been on 7 dates but haven’t slept together-yet. He says he’s “falling for me”, and I feel the same.

he’s falling for you when you’ve seen him A HANDFUL OF TIMES!

wake up love!

he’s love bombing you, he’s pushing this to get you hooked asap, he’s looking to you to provide his financial security.

end it. He sees you as a meal ticket

It depends what you want, doesn’t it?

Don’t marry him and don’t let him move into your house. Maintain your independence and enjoy each other’s company.

@Coldmorningfog And I'd argue back that anybody who reaches that conclusion without the full facts is a judgemental golddigger whom should be avoided at all costs.
I am incredibly proud of my husband and the work he does supporting people in MH crisis who nobody else to turn to. It might not pay megabucks, but I don't need it to as I, like the OP, have always been financially sound in my own right. It meant I could chose a great husband and father.
The OP has options that many other women don't and I respect her very much for that ♥️

And now you’re being rushed and you’re going along with it.

youre not ready for this relationship, you have no experience to be able to see it for what it is.

all you know is that something is niggling you - you’re laying the blame for this as the financial disparity- but your instincts are trying to tell you that this isn’t right.

Funny that you ignored the bit about him being a carer for his severely disabled daughter.
Then again, it isn't, is it?
Money over all!

You’ve been on 7 dates. Slow down and enjoy the time you spend together. Absolutely no need to be investing (or investigating) each others financials. Over the course of just dating you’ll get a hint for whether or not you’re financially, or otherwise, suited.

In your position I would be very cautious. You have to consider your own financial security and it sounds like he is a potential risk. Personally, I would call it a day and move on. If you stay involved with this guy you won’t be free to meet someone more compatible.

@Lysco
Exactly this! Having your own money and being happy with self-sufficiency gives you so many more options when choosing a life partner moving forward. It is one I applaud the OP on and would encourage her to use to her advantage.
Definitely something more women should work towards than having to have to chose a man because they can't fund their own lifestyle/that of their children on their own.

Good for you x

Reaches what conclusion? You haven’t quoted me so I’m not sure what you’re replying to.

This thread isn’t about you, no need to take it so personally.

This wasn't you?!!

@Coldmorningfog
As you’ve asked, I’d say if is your husband has never owned a home or earned much above minimum wage at 50 years old it is loser territory.
What do you do for a living? 😀

Tbf, in some areas these days to be paying rent and not having much money left doesn't necessarily mean you are on minimum wage, rent can be extortionate!

“Then again, it is, isn’t it?”

I’ve no idea what you mean? Could you explain.

I’ve not mentioned his daughter because it’s not relevant. His disabled daughter is 19. He’s in his 50s. That means she wasn’t born didn’t until he was say 36 or so.

If you haven’t established a career or got a mortgage when you’re pushing 40 you’re a bit of a loser.

His daughter is no excuse for his poor financial decisions and subsequent results.

Yet that’s potentially what the man you’re defending is doing to OP.

@Coldmorningfog I seeeeeeee! It's OK for women to do that but not men sort of thing?
Or perhaps unacceptable for both?
I take it, of course, you established a career and mortgage independently?
OP - he sounds great, but take your time.

You ASKED me a direct question. You came on here and made the thread about you and your relationship. Nobody was talking about that, you brought it up.