Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

When your wife consents to having sex with you it is based on the mutual promise that you are not sexually active with anyone else. You’re taking that choice away from her by not telling her.

"I love my wife and my life"

Bollox

If you loved your wife you wouldnt have cheated.

Tell her. Do something right

This ^

The distraught OP hasn't yet replied with a comprehensive explanation of how he and AP had safe sex with each other in such a way that his beloved wife was never at risk of an STD. (Never mind the emotional betrayal.) I reckon it'd take more than one STD test over 9 months to ensure that, given that the 24 year old wasn't apparently a fan of monogamy either.

Tell us about your GUM appointments, mate. And the condom use.

@PolarBearBear I also think youve got a bloody nerve to say NOW you'll be the best husband you can be, but you couldnt before 👀

Get yourself some therapy to work through what happened and what your real feeling are about your wife and your marriage.

I don't think you should necessarily tell her, but you are not going to be able to keep a lid on it unless you address the issues that caused it in the first place.

If you were basically happy with your wife but so susceptible to a bit of ego massage that you had a 9 month affair I'm not so sure that you won't be tempted again.

Life is about fully knowing your own life situation and making your own decisions accordingly. Just because you cheaters live messy shady lives doesn't mean innocent people should be part of that mess without consent. And no one should be made to have sex with d**k thats been somewhere else 🤢

Won’t do it again until the next younger model comes onto you. That’s what you really mean

At first I thought you meant you were consumed with feelings of guilt but it seems you’re consumed with feelings of missing the affair. With that in mind I imagine that at some point you’ll either go back to that person or so it again with someone else. You’re being naive to think otherwise.

In those circumstances I think your wife deserves to know so she can make an informed choice as to whether she wants to stay with you or not.

Part of me wants to say, that telling her just to ease your own guilt. But if I was your wife I would want to know. And would want to know everything. She can then decide what is best for her.

You've risked her sexual health and her chances of getting HPV so cervical cancer...vile.

Your wife is entitled to take ownership of her own sexual health which you've put in jeopardy. She (and you) need to get tested for STIs in which case you obviously need to tell her the truth

How the fuck can you look your wife, who you say you love, in the eye? Knowing what you've done? How could you do this to her? Your marriage is already ruined, even if she never finds out. Your marriage is a lie and a sham. You did that. You're a fucking disgrace. You put your needy penis far above your love for your wife and kids. You are disgusting, and another level of selfish.

You’re obviously blind to/ ignoring the fact that you are happy to cheat. Until you deal with the drive to cheat, this won’t go away.

You want to take it to the grave, and be the best husband from now on ?

Then sign over 100 percent of the house to your wife NOW...

Your wife deserves better. Maybe she is bored of you and your life together but has a better moral compass. I hope the affair tells her and she gets to make the decision even if that’s stay with you and work through it.

That’s not true really. You are keeping her under false pretences- if you really love someone you could not do that to them. Also you are still missing the affair so you don’t fully regret it. I think you should tell her and allow her to decide what is best for herself. If my husband made the decisions you made I would honestly never forgive him. You owe her honesty - it’s the most basic requirement of respect.

You distorted your wifes perception of reality and if she ever finds out (which may yet happen) its the deceit that will kill her love your you rather than the cheat.
My guess is the same thing that made you cheat and lie and deceive once will rear its ugly head again it just a matter of time.
You obviously feel guilt and perhaps therapy will help you understand and move forward but it wont ever take away the fear of your wife finding out.
You have to live with what you have done and it will be tough.

My advice would be to stay, work on your marriage and take this dirty secret to your grave.

You have already ruined your own happiness, so don't do it to your wife as well.

Tell a therapist?

Some mumsnetters. There are lots of different viewpoints here, but some are more vocal than others.
Regarding those saying "you'll do it again", actually there is evidence that the majority of people who cheat in one relationship do NOT go on to do it in their next relationship, although it is true that once someone has broken that taboo, they are more likely to do it again than someone who's never cheated.
People learn and grow. Just make sure you learn and grow from this, and reflect on how to improve your marriage.
That might look like, A, working out how to make the marriage better for both of you so you're less tempted in future, and B, regardless of how tempted you are, ensuring you don't put yourself in situations where it's possible.
This article about understanding how marriage changes and helping yourself stay faithful and protect your marriage may be of interest - https://www.drpsychmom.com/understand-biology-and-evolution-to-be-happily-married/

Can you imagine the derogatory responses from men if a wife put this on a male based forum to get their opinions?

Wonder what the agenda of posting on MN was? Many here have been burned by adulterous partners, and struggled with recovery from that experience; whilst the rest of us feel blissfully secure in the belief that our DP/DH has never been unfaithful. Threads like this, from male posters, destabilise and undermine women.

After all, given the enormous fallout likely from revealing an affair, the OP is hardly going to act in accordance with an anonymous poll, is he?

went for 'something else'.

Because you need to explore what your drivers were for doing this before you figure out what to do next.

Agree with others that (the right kind of) therapy is the way forward.

'It was the ego stroke' is pretty thin.

Where you feeling bad about yourself?
Do you get your sense of esteem / validation from others?
Was it sex driven?
How much effort have you put into the romantic and sexual side of your marriage (which might be dates and foreplay, but may also be about really building safety to enable you each to be vulnerable with each other)?
Have you really considered what it takes to be a good father, a good husband, a good man?
What was your Dad like?
What have you learned from him and other male role models?
What have you never considered? (as one of issues men have, I think, is the socialisation and living in a society that enables / encourages / requires them to put various vital strands off life out of their conscious realm. So then they externalise their discomfort or unhappiness into, say having an affair, without having a clue why).
Why did you choose your wife?
Who is she, really? Who was she then, who is she now?

Having an affair is an emotionally immature thing to do. Go on a journey to understand yourself and grow.

it might be right to leave or stay, you need to know yourself and grow yourself before you can know which.

It's such a cowardly thing to do to keep that secret and avoid the consequences of your own actions. Be a man and tell her. After betraying her once already, the least you can do is fess up now and be honest.

And yes, I say the same to women. Keeping a lie like that is morally repugnant, and almost as bad as the cheating itself. If you're too cowardly to face the repercussions, here's an idea: don't bloody cheat!

I have been cheated on. Tell her. It is her decision whether she chooses to stay. Despite what you say, you sound like you would cheat again, you can't stop thinking about it. Even if you have stopped the affair, emotionally you really aren't being fair to your wife. You need to be prepared to attend couples counselling if she wants that. You probably sound start some therapy yourself cos you definitely sound like you need to sort your own head out.