Ended my 9-month affair 2 months ago. Wife is none the wiser. Taking it to the grave but I can’t stop thinking about it.

[PolarBearBear]

I am bracing myself for the comments here, but I need an honest outside perspective. I’ve behaved appallingly and I'm trying to figure out how to move forward.

I’ve been married for 12 years with young kids. We are in our late 30s.

For 9 months, I had an affair with a 24-year-old single woman. She knew I was married from the start. To be blunt, the ego stroke completely blinded me and I got caught up in a total bubble.

This August, the guilt finally got too much. I realized how much I love my wife and our life, so I ended it. She was a work colleague, but she has since got a different job elsewhere, so I never see her anymore. When we broke it off, she promised to never tell anyone ever and she is just moving on with her life.

My wife has absolutely no idea and is completely none the wiser about all of this. There is absolutely no way she could ever find out on her own, as nobody else knows it happened.

I am 100% committed to focusing on my marriage, being the best husband I can possibly be, and I will never, ever cheat again.

I genuinely believe it is better if I never tell my wife and take this secret to my grave. Confessing would only alleviate my own guilt, and what she doesn't know can't hurt her. I don't want to destroy her world.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about the affair. It's constantly in my head. I'm trying to be this perfect, attentive husband, but mentally I'm completely consumed by what happened.

Am I completely delusional to think I can just bury this and move on? How do I stop the thoughts and actually fix my marriage without destroying it with the truth?

I've attached a poll because I am genuinely torn on the ethics here. Is honesty always the best policy, or is silence sometimes the kinder choice? Please vote and let me know your thoughts.

What do you want us to say? if you're hoping for someone to say that you're a good person for finishing it and keeping it from your wife, I think you're in for a long wait.

Be honest. You spent 9 months being dishonest. I'm willing to bet she has an idea that something was/is up anyway.

If she will never ever find out, DO NOT TELL HER.

Don't tell her just to ease your conscience. That is immeasurably cruel. She does not need to know.

What a load of...[enter word of your own choice here].

How is telling her immeasurably cruel? Put yourself in her situation. If your partner cheated on you, I suspect you'd say you wanted to know, rather than waste years or decades of your life staying with someone who betrayed your trust, and probably would do again knowing there's not really been any consequences of it?

I could be wrong, but I suspect most people who have this view have either cheated on partners before, or are entirely comfortable with being economical with the truth with their loved ones...

You tell her the truth and she can decide where this relationship is going. You don't get to avoid consequences.

Exactly this.
You can even recognise them from the title now.

@VaxMerstappen

What a load of...[enter word of your own choice here].
How is telling her immeasurably cruel? Put yourself in her situation. If your partner cheated on you, I suspect you'd say you wanted to know, rather than waste years or decades of your life staying with someone who betrayed your trust, and probably would do again knowing there's not really been any consequences of it?
I could be wrong, but I suspect most people who have this view have either cheated on partners before, or are entirely comfortable with being economical with the truth with their loved ones...

I am entitled to my opinion.

HTH.

And almost 70% of nearly 2000 posters agree with me.

So please do not call what I say a load of ***!!!

It is only that IN YOUR OPINION!

And yes, you're right about one thing - you could be wrong in your assumptions about other people who don't think the OP should tell his wife what happened.

.

And I'm entitled to tell you your opinion stinks.

There is a strong argument that she should be able to make an informed decision about whether to continue the relationship, but for practical harm reduction it could be more effective to say nothing and have a higher chance of keeping the family together. You absolutely must get all the std testing and if there’s anything that could medically affect her you have to let her know, no way around it. Other than that I get the appeal of burying it.

The other part of your post is essentially asking whether you are actually capable of moving on fully from the affair. Ideally you would speak to a relationship therapist who can help you to understand why this happened and how to avoid a repeat, and also help you to let go of the affair. The risk then is that therapy becomes just an excuse to relive the affair and actually prevents you from moving on. It could benefit the marriage to attend therapy together but doing that while holding on to such a big lie is pretty grim.

Presumably the reason it happened is also the reason you’re now clinging on to thoughts of it. The ego boost, the fun and excitement. Those needs don’t disappear so you have to look for ways to meet them in your marriage. Not so easy with young children but it is possible. Do you feel good about going on dates etc with your wife or do you feel like you can only imagine housemate and parenting stuff with her?

Basically I don’t think squashing all your own feelings and needs away and trying to force yourself to act out the role of a good husband will work long term. It might work for a few years and you might decide that that’s enough so you’re not breaking up the family when the kids are little. If you’re determined to not tell her and stay in the marriage then you need to at least be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can give and for how long. Wishful thinking sets you up to fail and cause even more hurt.

How DARE you. You don’t have any remorse for what you did. It’s clear that you are still desperate to be with your secret girlfriend. You aren’t special. A 24 year old is so unbelievably young. You actually messed up her career too, why did SHE have to move? Your wife is expected to have sex with you when your dick has repeatedly been inside another woman’s arse, her fanny, her mouth, and you think you have the right to put that inside your wife’s body without her consent, without her prior knowledge? Would she want to allow her body to be violated like that without any knowledge of what you have done? It’s almost like rape. There’s still no consent on her side. It’s a violation of HER body and her right to choose. You are despicable. I bet you say nothing because you are clearly a pathetic, insecure narcissistic coward.

And I am entitled to tell you yours does too.

And nothing you say can alter that fact that the vast majority of posters - 70% of nearly 2000 people - think the OP should not tell his wife.

So that's a lot of stinky opinions lol.

Just because YOU don't agree, that does not make other people WRONG.

Maybe look up the definition of what an opinion is.

,

If you do not tell her you

a) run the risk of it coming out - most things do in the end.
b) you run the risk of it happening again further down the line with someone else the next time you’re feeling ‘fragile’.
c) unless it’s purely a character flaw of yours and you’ve always been a liar and a cheat with no morals, Maybe it’s a sign things could be better in your marriage. You can only fix you and your input into your marriage. Perhaps there are things you’d like to understand about her? Maybe she’s not as happy as you think? She deserves the chance to explore this if she wants to, or leave you if she wants that.

It’s not just a momentary lapse of judgement for a quick f**k though is it? 6 months requires a lot of planning and deception, an emotional connection and spending of your joint finances on her.

i have recently discovered my partner of 16 years has been having an affair. I suspected it. There were lots that gave it away so perhaps she does have an idea? Neither of us were happy and totally blindsided by lots of shit going on….parent illness, death, job stress, high needs children, neurodivergence and perimenopause.

You need to think about what the affair means to you? Just an ego boost? Escapism? Seeing what a different life might be like? Just getting your rocks off with someone not exhausted. You need to understand these things before working on them. Maybe have some individual counselling if you really want to give your marriage the full chance.

Betrayal is the worst. It makes you question literally everything and is so damaging to the betrayed partner. It’s insidious. The lies and deception are the hardest part. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

You deserve to feel bad. There is no good outcome to this.

Get the counselling and use it to help you decide what to do.

This

This, 100%.

If the OP is even real

I wonder how many people telling the OP not to tell his wife would like their best friend to tell their husband to never tell them, if he confessed to them that he'd been fucking a young colleague for the last nine months... Not many, I would wager.

You will cheat again. You are the type of person who is capable of cheating, rather than someone whose morals would prevent them from getting any sort of pleasure from it.

You should tell your wife the truth so that she can make an informed choice as to whether she still wants to be with you.

Ah well!

Just another man using women to make whatever it is he needs right

Go away

If true you are a shitty man...other woman knew from the start did she? Flattered you did she? Poor you! Fancy having your ego forced into an affair - and you will eventually push all the blame on to her, you know you will

Tell your wife. Be scrupulously fair with her. Make sure she gets everything she is entitled to, everything she needs. Put yourself at a disadvantage because it is your crass, self centred behaviour that has wrecked your marriage

No? Why not?

Exactly, just carrying on being deceitful by not owning up to being a lying cheat 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nine months... of lies.

Literally - almost an entire year where you have lied.

You are tossing this around as though you could give your wife a gift of not hurting her by ... continuing to lie.

You say you want to now focus on the marriage.

Yet, you have not mentioned how you will clean up the fundamental problem in the marriage - you being a liar, a dishonest broker?

You have compromised your entire character for a few orgasms - seems expensive to me!

A one off? Compassion. Nine months though? Damn...

Agree 100% with this. You will cheat again, it is obvious from your post. You fooled your dw before, you know (or you think) now that you can again. Its clear that you have crossed the line and you aren’t being honest with yourself why you did and so you will cross the line again. So this will end in tears one day - your wife’s genuine ones and your crocodile ones. So you could save your wife the heartache of knowing you lied to her more than once or you could continue to not face up to who you are and just do it all over again. I think I know what you will choose.

So how would you feel if you wife was having an affair ,would you want to know. Personally I don’t understand how people can lead a double life like this , don’t they feel guilty. The guilt would eat me up personally. Are you on medication that numbs your feelings ?

Don’t tell it would be selfish to blow up your wife’s world for your conscience.

Don't tell but get some therapy so that you’re not holding this huge secret alone.

Course you will do it again ! Lies mostly come back to haunt you , you have put her health at risk too which for me was the most sickening part when my ex cheated , she deserves the truth and a the choice to be with a cheater or not , if you loved your life and family you wouldn’t cheat you are a coward

If you were going to stop, you wouldn't have done it in the first place.

You feel guilt now (do you?) but once that subsides you will do it again.

People like you always do.
You need the dopamine hits that creeping about deceiving the person you swore to love and protect give you.

You will be advised on here not to say a word but your wife deserves to know she's been sharing vaginal flora with your 24 year old girlfriend for 9 fucking months.
You put her sexual health at risk as well as pissed all over her wedding vows.

If you were a woman I would say the exact same thing: if you were actually sorry and loved your wife, you'd tell her what you did so she could make an informed decision about her own life, or you'd do the right and un-cowardly thing and leave your wife so she can find a decent, non scuttery man she could spend her life with.

If you take it to the grave you rob her of that opportunity and that's probably the worst thing in all this mess.

9 months of lies? I bet you want to put all this in the past.

Tell her.