Page 17 | Do I tell DD she's not nice?

Weeeheee · 2026-10-16T10:44:08+00:00

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her. DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice. I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice. OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family. I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her. But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person. A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person. I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did. I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter. I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it. But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture. I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

croydon15 · 17/10/2026 20:34

I agree with you OP the ow is neither nice or good, someone who break up two families is definitely not nice, she may sound nice to your DD on the phone but it's only superficial

Runnermumof2 · 17/10/2026 21:03

Unfortunately it's not your place. You giving your opinion on their choices won't be beneficial to anybody. Best to leave them all to it.

Melvinn · 17/10/2026 21:30

No you don’t tell her she’s not nice, because how do you know she’s not going to be nice towards your daughter?
Firstly you were not married to this woman, it was your husband who was supposed to be loyal to you and he chose to have the affair, end your marriage etc. if he was a decent person and loved you enough no amount of encouragement from anyone would have persuaded him to end the marriage. Don’t push your bitter feelings and hurt onto your daughter. You are right to feel hurt and hatred towards your ex and this woman but that doesn’t mean your daughter has to feel the same way.

Zerosleep · 17/10/2026 21:31

I know it’s hard but if I was you, I would just leave her to it. She will soon find out for herself.

ThatCyanCat · 17/10/2026 21:37

Tbh if he was open with the OW that he loved OP and this was just for excitement (honestly, what a fucking idiot) then I'm surprised their relationship has gone this far and I don't have a huge amount of confidence in it. Might just be one of those not uncommon cases where the cheaters have lost their families, can't bear to be alone and need to prove it was worth it, so they marry. Inauspicuous, that's for sure.

But his children shouldn't be made to choose or pledge sides. If she's that objectively awful in all regards, the daughter will see it eventually. In the meantime, she's part of the dad package and she shouldn't be hampered, directly or indirectly, in sustaining her relationship with him.

ItsJustLittleOldMe · 17/10/2026 21:40

I think the only way you could put it is to say DD in the future please don’t tell me how nice OW is as I’m sure she is pleasant to you but she is 50% responsible for breaking up my marriage and family so hearing this is hurtful to me.

OtterlyAstounding · 17/10/2026 23:11

Scungled · 17/10/2026 16:10

Respectfully, I’m not obliged to provide details of someone else’s schedule to mitigate your incredulity about the timeline of someone else’s long-past extramarital relationship. But you keep right ahead thinking that people who have affairs are some kind of monsters rather than ordinary flawed human beings if it suits you.

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No, and I'm not obliged to believe your unlikely second-hand story.

I never once said I thought people who have affairs are monsters, so I have no clue where you got that from. I simply said it is far better to be honest and moral, and not lie and betray your partner before you leave them.

OtterlyAstounding · 17/10/2026 23:14

ThatCyanCat · 17/10/2026 16:24

That can be true, but it definitely can happen that a person is so awful, I can't judge their partner if they stray. There was a poster on here once whose husband was highly abusive in every way and even threatened to kill her animals. She formed a relationship with another man and then became the monster.

Or my own father, who I am sure never cheated but was always screaming and swearing at my mother, calling her foul names, throwing food and household items around, bashing me
around, pulling the phone out of the wall while someone was using it and so on. I honestly couldn't judge my mother at all if she had strayed. I could forgive an affair much more easily than any of that. I wouldn't have liked it if he'd had a discreet affair but given the choice, I know what I think is worse.

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I do agree, on the whole. Although with men in particular, it does make me wonder about the old 'my ex was a crazy psycho' tale they spin, or the way some people try to justify affairs by claiming their partner is awful, when really that's not the case at all.

DaringQuoter · 17/10/2026 23:18

OllyBJolly · 16/10/2026 11:58

No you can't say anything! Your husband broke your wedding vows, not her. Your break up is on him.

I hated the OW who I blamed for me being left as a single parent of two under threes and no income. However, over the years she proved to be a tremendous support for my DCs and is actually a lovely, lovely woman. I was very wrong. Don't be me.

(The Ex was/is a dick. I chose the wrong man to have my children with. His redeeming feature was to give my DCs a wonderful stepmum).

What an amazing and clear sighted person you are! I admire and applaud your vision.

OtterlyAstounding · 17/10/2026 23:27

Ilovelurchers · 17/10/2026 19:38

Well, as I said, my dad had a stab wound on his body, some other scars too, which I saw when I became his carer before he died in January, so he wasn't lying about the abuse. He didn't actually tell me about the abuse, my mom eventually did.

He wasn't lying. I am delighted that he found my mother, they stayed together for 50 years, and I couldn't give a shit that he cheated on the witch who abused him - I hope she burns in Hell.

I think anyone who thinks that having concensual sex with someone behind a monstrous person's back is a worse moral crime than repeatedly physically abusing someone you know can't fight back (because my dad, regrettably in this case, would never hit a woman, even in self defence) lives in a bizarre internal world quite frankly, and one I am delighted I don't inhabit.

And yes I was cheated on by my husband. And it's not very nice. But it's not the worst thing that has ever happened to me, not by miles.

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But you don't know where or how he got those scars, unless they're identifiably from a woman. Johnny Depp cutting off the tip of his own finger comes to mind, self-harm, or even accidents. I'm not saying it's not true, as I'm sure it could happen, so maybe it did – but I am saying that generally speaking, a man saying to a woman that his wife is crazy and abusive and his marriage is a nightmare, so that's why he wants to have sex with her, and she’s his saviour, sounds like a great way to reel a woman in and justify an affair, and is very much a red flag.

I also think it's strange that you think your father should've hit his first wife back, instead wishing he'd left the instant she became abusive.

Obviously abuse is far, far worse than cheating, but it is possible to leave an abusive relationship without compromising one's own morals and cheating; I know that from experience.

Prycejosh1987 · 17/10/2026 23:41

Tell her she can be a abit more nice. You can tell her the truth in a way which isnt sounding so offensive but makes the point. By honest with her calmly and with composure.

DaringQuoter · 17/10/2026 23:45

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Presseddaisy · 17/10/2026 23:51

As others have said 'nice' isn't the same as being a good person. Clearly neither the XH or OW are good people. Don't interfere with your daughters relationship with them or opinion of them though as she needs to figure out for herself how she feels about it all. I assume she is aware that they had an affair? If not I think you can share that information.

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2026 00:05

Ilovelurchers · 17/10/2026 19:31

Why does it put the DD into a really difficult situation? She's an adult - she understands surely that people have feelings and sometimes you have to be careful with how you handle them?

I don't understand this idea that good motherhood is shown in absolutely martyring yourself and implausibly lying to your adult children, pretending that you feel great about the fact their dad cheated on you, and have no negative feelings about the woman he did it with.

Isn't that just treating your adult children like imbeciles?

If the dd has a remotely normal amount of human empathy, she can figure out that OW is not likely to be her mom's favourite person.

If she can't work this out on her own, her mom will be doing her a favour by explaining it to her, so that hopefully she can learn to treat other people in her life with more sensitivity.

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It puts her in a difficult position because of her relationship with her father who is the person who the OW cheated with.
To denigrate the OW is also to denigrate the DD's father who the DD will still love because he is her dad
She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for loving her dad, for wanting a relationship with him or for finding that the OW is someone she can get on with in her own right.
The DD's dad was a shit to her mum and actually to the DD too because he destroyed her home life by having an affair and leaving.
BUT he is still her father and having a relationship with him is going to be better for her in the long run than hating him because he cheated on her mum.

It's all about the bigger picture, the future and what is best for the long term interests of the DD here, NOT the OP.

OtterlyAstounding · 18/10/2026 00:18

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2026 00:05

It puts her in a difficult position because of her relationship with her father who is the person who the OW cheated with.
To denigrate the OW is also to denigrate the DD's father who the DD will still love because he is her dad
She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for loving her dad, for wanting a relationship with him or for finding that the OW is someone she can get on with in her own right.
The DD's dad was a shit to her mum and actually to the DD too because he destroyed her home life by having an affair and leaving.
BUT he is still her father and having a relationship with him is going to be better for her in the long run than hating him because he cheated on her mum.

It's all about the bigger picture, the future and what is best for the long term interests of the DD here, NOT the OP.

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No, pretending that the OP doesn't hold the OW (and her ex) in contempt is treating the adult daughter like an idiot.

There's nothing wrong with the daughter continuing to see her father (although I imagine, given he's a plane flight away now, that will happen less and less), and by extension the OW, but there's also nothing wrong with her being reminded that (obviously!) her mum won't want to hear about the two of them and how delightful they are, given what they did to her. OP is not the right audience for idle chat about how nice the OW seems - DD can talk to her sibling or her friends about that!

TheLastSilverSaint · 18/10/2026 00:25

I'm not bitter at all

You really are, though. It comes across very strongly in all your responses. You’re extremely angry and you’re very resentful that your adult daughter won’t join you in that bitterness.

I mean, fair enough - most people would be bitter about the woman their husband left them for. It’s not surprising that you hate and resent her.

But it isn’t at all reasonable to drag your daughter into that. All you’ll do is make an already difficult situation much worse for your kids, for no reason except your own feelings, which would be pretty selfish.

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2026 00:28

OtterlyAstounding · 18/10/2026 00:18

No, pretending that the OP doesn't hold the OW (and her ex) in contempt is treating the adult daughter like an idiot.

There's nothing wrong with the daughter continuing to see her father (although I imagine, given he's a plane flight away now, that will happen less and less), and by extension the OW, but there's also nothing wrong with her being reminded that (obviously!) her mum won't want to hear about the two of them and how delightful they are, given what they did to her. OP is not the right audience for idle chat about how nice the OW seems - DD can talk to her sibling or her friends about that!

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It's not treating her "like an idiot"at all, it's about not dragging her into a situation that is not of her making and is not her fault.

You come across as a bitter person who thinks that a woman who has been cheated on should make everyone else hate her ex as much as she does
The DD is not her mother and so has an entirely separate relationship with her father and with the OW.

Beng a parent means sometimes having to deal with difficult situations you don't like for the sake of your kids happiness/well being.

All the OP needs to do is say "That's nice" and change the subject if her DD mentions the OW.. it helps no one to start telling the DD the grusky truth of what went on or telling the DD how she feels about the Ow.
That is for the OP to deal with

Trappedinthecastofawhodunnit · 18/10/2026 00:32

I would not say anything to my dd.

OtterlyAstounding · 18/10/2026 00:44

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2026 00:28

It's not treating her "like an idiot"at all, it's about not dragging her into a situation that is not of her making and is not her fault.

You come across as a bitter person who thinks that a woman who has been cheated on should make everyone else hate her ex as much as she does
The DD is not her mother and so has an entirely separate relationship with her father and with the OW.

Beng a parent means sometimes having to deal with difficult situations you don't like for the sake of your kids happiness/well being.

All the OP needs to do is say "That's nice" and change the subject if her DD mentions the OW.. it helps no one to start telling the DD the grusky truth of what went on or telling the DD how she feels about the Ow.
That is for the OP to deal with

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It's not 'dragging her into a situation' by telling her that the OP - quite obviously - doesn't want to hear how nice the OW is. That's all, end of. No need to expand any further, and no need to drag her into the mess her father made. Just a quick, light, 'Honestly, I'd rather not hear about how nice X seems, DD - I'm never going to think she is, and I'm sure you can understand why.'

I also don't think OP's DD should hate her father - you're just making things up, now!

But the OP's DD is not 10 and in need of a soothing 'that's nice, dear', she's 20 - she should be well old enough to understand that her mum doesn't want to hear her praising the woman that her dad was fucking behind her mum's back. If she's not, then she needs to learn, because it's really rather thoughtless of her.

ErinBell01 · 18/10/2026 00:55

Having thought a bit about your position, I think you should say something to your DD, but not in a bitter way, in more of a dispassionate, matter of fact way. Referencing that DD thinks OW is nice, you could say that you're glad she thinks that as she's now her DF's new partner. However, she should also bear in mind that OW, when married, pursued your XH and broke up two marriages and two families, so you can't really agree that she's a nice person. And then just leave it at that. You've said your piece (and will probably feel better for having done so) but have been perfectly reasonable and not poisoned DD's future relationships.

Original poster

Weeeheee · 18/10/2026 01:12

ErinBell01 · 18/10/2026 00:55

Having thought a bit about your position, I think you should say something to your DD, but not in a bitter way, in more of a dispassionate, matter of fact way. Referencing that DD thinks OW is nice, you could say that you're glad she thinks that as she's now her DF's new partner. However, she should also bear in mind that OW, when married, pursued your XH and broke up two marriages and two families, so you can't really agree that she's a nice person. And then just leave it at that. You've said your piece (and will probably feel better for having done so) but have been perfectly reasonable and not poisoned DD's future relationships.

Thank you.

I think I've pretty much landed here too. I'll probably put a bit more of a @BestZebbie slant on it and focus DD on remembering OW has form for prioritising herself.

I shan't bring it up with DD, as it was a moment in a conversation. Should DD mention OW again, that's the time to say something.

Thanks to all those on this thread who've helped me process my thoughts on this. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 18/10/2026 01:43

Maybe she has not yet realised what a pair the OW and your X really are.

Maybe she is in denial. And is fooling herself about both of them. To hide her hurt.

I would not say one iota about them.
Maybe when your daughter gets a bit older. She will see the real them for what they really are.

Hope so.

92lou · 18/10/2026 06:07

Been there I've been your DD. It's very difficult, meeting/ accepting the OW who broke up your family. However your XH cheated on you and not your DD. If she wants a relationship with her father it's likely she has to accept the OW on some level. At the end of the day it's easiest if they all get along. I don't agree with the decision or actions my father and his partner made and don't consider what they did to my mother acceptable in any respect and they know that! But I do want to get on with my life and live peacefully and have a relationship with my own father so accept his partner and accept that she's nice to me and make my father happy. Unfortunately what has happened to you is no longer part of the dynamic if everyone wants to move forward. You can not be bitter and hold her down my own mother is the same and has struggled but it must be seen as separate. You need to put your emotions aside or ask her not to tell you about them. Simple.

CJsGoldfish · 18/10/2026 06:47

Weeeheee · 16/10/2026 22:54

Man, there are some weird opinions on this thread.

Why on earth would you conclude that I blame OW for XH's cheating?! Please re-read my OP and subsequent posts.

OW is her own form of horrid for

A) cheating on her husband
B) choosing to pursue a married man
C) encouraging and supporting XH to move a 10 hour flight away from his children

As a mum, surely I should want to warn my children if they're associating with known not nice people?

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You said that your adult child had worked out her father way before he actually left. She's 20 so that makes complete sense.

Your adult dd, I assume, knows that the OW is part of the reason her father left. I say part of the reason because if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

Yet you seem to feel you need to 'warn' your adult child that the OW 'isn't a nice person'. You don't think, or trust/respect that at 20, you've raised her to be able to figure that out herself?

You have every right to feel bitter. Completely understandable to want to hurt their relationship though I'm sure you'll insist you don't care or that they deserve each other. But this isn't at all about your dd, it's about you. They live overseas and from everything you've written, your DD realistically is not going to spend much, if any time with them after this wedding. There is no need to say anything to your adult dd when there is no real 'danger' to her for want of a better word. This is about YOU and I do understand that you are not able to own that.
You've said you're very close and, whilst that is a lovely thing to hear, you also knows the position of influence that gives you. You've got your friends to bitch and moan and laugh with about them and you really should stick with them

You never really wanted 'opinions' because you 100% believe you are justified in using your daughter this way 🤷‍♀️

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2026 07:42

92lou · 18/10/2026 06:07

Been there I've been your DD. It's very difficult, meeting/ accepting the OW who broke up your family. However your XH cheated on you and not your DD. If she wants a relationship with her father it's likely she has to accept the OW on some level. At the end of the day it's easiest if they all get along. I don't agree with the decision or actions my father and his partner made and don't consider what they did to my mother acceptable in any respect and they know that! But I do want to get on with my life and live peacefully and have a relationship with my own father so accept his partner and accept that she's nice to me and make my father happy. Unfortunately what has happened to you is no longer part of the dynamic if everyone wants to move forward. You can not be bitter and hold her down my own mother is the same and has struggled but it must be seen as separate. You need to put your emotions aside or ask her not to tell you about them. Simple.

This is the post you need to read and digest, OP.