Do I tell DD she's not nice?

[Weeeheee]

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her.

DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice.

I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice.

OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family.

I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her.

But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person.

A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person.

I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did.

I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter.

I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it.

But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture.

I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

At 20, I'd tell it to her straight.

You're allowed to have an opinion on the woman who destroyed your family. Would be disingenuous to nod along and be polite about it.

Also, she's nearly a full grow woman who needs to see from her mother that it's okay to be angry when people treat you badly. You don't have to just accept it meekly.

You don't have to go ott, just tell her what you think!

@OtterlyAstounding I'm not sure I'd trust a person who blamed their cheating on their ex's behaviour. It's a red flag.
That is the hallmark of someone who isn't mature enough to take responsibility for their own behaviour.
A bit like "Not me Miss, a big boy did it and ran away !"

I agree with this.

It doesn't have to be a long convo - or even a convo at all. Just a statement of your feelings on the matter.

And I think your DD needs to hear it, and your story, because you don't need to hear her singing the OW's praises, however mildly.

I think you stay quiet and not comment.

If dd wants a relationship with her father the ow is part of the package. Shes making the best of it. Dont make her feel crap, like she is betraying you.

If she is as bad as you make out, i am sure your daughter will find out for herself.

I think it’s OK to say you are genuinely glad this woman is being nice to her but she is also the person who helped break up your marriage and life. Your daughter is not a small child so she does need to consider your feelings and you want to ensure they are not both peddling a false narrative of what happened.

Not just you. I would blanket assume that any poster defending the AP has themselves cheated.

Anyone who cheats is a person who lies, who keeps harmful secrets, and who breaks their promises.

Ergo not a particularly good person no matter how superficially charming they might seem.

If DD knows about the affair and is still excited to meet her you need to leave her be.

She is an adult. It’s clear you feel betrayed and honestly I would too but you cannot make your daughter hate somebody.

Gobsmacked at some of the crap on here.

What you have said regarding the online videos makes my blood run cold.

I think that you should do what you think is right, and in what you believe is in your DDs best interest.

It is was me? I'd give her as much information as I could regarding your ex's behaviour and also the OWs. However, I definitely wouldn't describe the hideous behaviour as just hers (OWs). Your ex's behaviour was also hideous, and has continued to be as regards his lack of contact with his children/child until now.

Stay strong.

I wouldn't say anything at all, if she asks for information tell her the truth but no need for too many details. The woman may be nice to your daughter and that's all that matters for the moment. The shine will wear off.

JESUS!!

Sounds like two awful people found each other.

No she doesn't need to hear it!
What happened is between the OP, the exH :& the OW, it doesn't concern the DD.

The exh might be a shit but he's her dad & she will love him despite what he has done.
She doesn't need to be made to feel guilty about that. Being around her dad is now going to involve the OW so just let that be & don't make her feel any more conflicted than she already does

My boys were 8, 7 and 4 when OW did exactly the same. I was left heartbroken, financially devastated, and my life had been very very hard as the parent who stayed, whilst he Disney Dad parented 2 days a fortnight. I never, ever told them that she was ‘not nice’. I had to tell them it was ok to get on with her as they felt so guilty.
It was my pain to bear. Not theirs.

Completely understandable that you’d want to let her know how awful you think the other woman is but I’d try and resist the temptation. You don’t know what the OW’s ex husband was like, he might’ve been awful which is why she was seeking comfort and love from someone else, your ex husband might’ve also told her you were awful and she might’ve thought they were both justified in seeking something in each other. I wouldn’t think you were awful if you gave in to the temptation to say something but I’d try to stay out and focus on more positive things. At worst I’d share how hurt you felt when her dad left you both for another woman and that you appreciate your daughter might like her but you still find the memories painful so you’d appreciate her not singing her praises too highly around you if they end up getting along. I think that’s appropriately honest. Her dad can answer any questions from her about why he decided to do what he did.

Obviously OP's children couldn't be humiliated if their sleazy father hadn't made the pornographic videos with the OW in the first place and posted them on a publicly accessible site.

I saw some of the messages from XH.

He was honest in that he loved me and wanted some excitement.

He did not make me out to be awful.

Once I found out about his affair, I contacted her now XH. He was blindsided as he thought they were both happy in their marriage.

He seemed a decent guy to me who was floored by his now XWs behaviour, but no one can know, can they?

I was telling a friend I hadn't seen for a while the story of XH.

She said "I bet he's on fab"

We looked.

Low and behold, there he was...

I won't subject DD to that ever. She doesn't need to know.

Why does it put the DD into a really difficult situation? She's an adult - she understands surely that people have feelings and sometimes you have to be careful with how you handle them?

I don't understand this idea that good motherhood is shown in absolutely martyring yourself and implausibly lying to your adult children, pretending that you feel great about the fact their dad cheated on you, and have no negative feelings about the woman he did it with.

Isn't that just treating your adult children like imbeciles?

If the dd has a remotely normal amount of human empathy, she can figure out that OW is not likely to be her mom's favourite person.

If she can't work this out on her own, her mom will be doing her a favour by explaining it to her, so that hopefully she can learn to treat other people in her life with more sensitivity.

I’d just say that’s nice that you like her, As for me I can’t equate someone with low morals being a nice person but I’m glad she’s nice to you

Well, as I said, my dad had a stab wound on his body, some other scars too, which I saw when I became his carer before he died in January, so he wasn't lying about the abuse. He didn't actually tell me about the abuse, my mom eventually did.

He wasn't lying. I am delighted that he found my mother, they stayed together for 50 years, and I couldn't give a shit that he cheated on the witch who abused him - I hope she burns in Hell.

I think anyone who thinks that having concensual sex with someone behind a monstrous person's back is a worse moral crime than repeatedly physically abusing someone you know can't fight back (because my dad, regrettably in this case, would never hit a woman, even in self defence) lives in a bizarre internal world quite frankly, and one I am delighted I don't inhabit.

And yes I was cheated on by my husband. And it's not very nice. But it's not the worst thing that has ever happened to me, not by miles.

I disagree, real life situations are better for teaching.

She can learn from this to be considerate of others feelings, telling the women he cheated on and left that the replacement is nice, is not thoughtful, and whilst I'm sure her mum can take it, when he friends, sibling etc experience their first heart break she will have learnt a bit more considerate and graceful.

She can also be more aware that some things cannot be forgiven or forgotten, and just how real consequences are. Hopefully it puts her off ever becoming a cheater herself, and whilst I would be polite to the new women, that's where the line should be drawn.

I personally wouldn't trust her being nice either!

This! I couldn’t stand to act like a martyr in such a situation. On the one hand people are saying she’s an adult so can form her own opinion but on the other you’re not supposed to share your opinion or any info. Why try to create a situation where you’re helping your ex and OW out, where she’ll form a false view of the situation?

I would make it clear you have no issue with her getting on with the OW and you’re glad she’s treating your DD well but I wouldn’t say nothing at all.

Karma doesn’t always come through. At least you’re free to live your life. I would just mention it was incredibly hurtful to find out at the time and is still a painful memory. Hopefully this’ll stop any future conversation about the topic.

It sounds as though they’re well suited. I hope you got a good deal in the divorce. I do think as your DD gets older she’ll understand the situation better but I do think children ultimately love their parents regardless of even their worst behaviour at times.

DD hasn't met her IRL yet.

DD solely thinks she will be nice because of some of the things OW has alluded to online that DD likes.

Actually, typing that is making me sad.

How awful is it that DD is going to meet her new stepmum days before (hopefully not on the actual day) she marries her dad.

XH is such a cunt.

Cheaters are.

I absolutely agree and I can’t imagine how awful it’s been for the OP. I’m not defending him for a minute, but OP is saying she hasn’t let her feelings colour her judgement and she has.

Sharing those videos could cause more turmoil for her kids and telling her DD what an awful person the OW is just puts her in a tougher situation to make OP feel better. Her DD has heard it all before from her mum so she already knows her feelings. What does keep saying it achieve, other than to make DD feel shit for trying to navigate what must be a difficult situation for her too? It sounds like she’s just trying to move forward, but mum (understandably) may not be able to yet. That’s not DD’s problem and she is not her mother’s therapist.

Yes it is shit, I sympathise with OP completely, but she can’t put that on her kids.