Page 13 | Do I tell DD she's not nice?

Weeeheee · 2026-10-16T10:44:08+00:00

DD (20) is due to meet the OW in person soon at XH wedding to her. DD has chatted online with OW a few times (she lives abroad). DD said the other day that she's looking forward to meeting OW, as she seems nice. I'm desperate to discuss with DD why she's not nice. OW persisted in chasing XH and encouraging him to end our marriage and our family life. OW was married herself, so was also cheating on her husband. She has a young child, so also broke up their family. I do not blame OW for XHs choices. He ended our marriage, not her. But anyone who pushes a person to end their marriage and leave their family, and move a 10 hour flight away from their own children is not a nice person. A woman who cheats on her husband is not a nice person. I want to discuss with DD why she thinks she's nice when she behaved in the way she did. I know I shouldn't, as I'll sound bitter. I'm not bitter at all - life is the best its been without XH in it. But OW is not a nice person, and as a now adult, DD should be mature enough to consider the bigger picture. I'm probably going to leave it, but would you say anything to DD?

january1244 · 17/10/2026 11:38

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Happysummerrain · 17/10/2026 11:40

I understand why people are saying to leave it but personally I would talk to my daughter about it. I’d think she knows you’re happy with your life though if you’re close so she wouldn’t think you’re bitter.

cloudtreecarpet · 17/10/2026 11:48

Happysummerrain · 17/10/2026 11:40

I understand why people are saying to leave it but personally I would talk to my daughter about it. I’d think she knows you’re happy with your life though if you’re close so she wouldn’t think you’re bitter.

But what good does it serve?
Unlike the OP, the DD is likely to continue seeing her dad so is also going to have to see this woman seeing as her dad has moved abroad with her & lives with her.

I don't get what value there is in telling the DD, a fully grown adult, that this woman behaved badly towards the DD's mum.

She knows this but she has to see the OW and navigate that. It won't be easy so why make it harder for her by trying to influence her opinion of a woman who so far has been friendly to her?
To do that just smacks of bitterness and jealousy.

Owl55 · 17/10/2026 11:51

My daughter’s ex was abusive, mean , unkind , never admitted he was ever wrong or unreasonable and my daughter left him for someone else , the children were 5 and 2 at that time ,. The ex constantly blamed her to them accusing her of lying to them about him . Most of the cruel nasty things he did she never told them , why ruin their lives as hers was . Now they are 19 and 16 they have realised what he is like , he treats them badly too and they can see the truth but they still love him as he’s their dad and continue to forgive his treatment of them . It’s very frustrating for us to watch this . But the elder child is now very appreciative of her mum and recognizes more what her did is like .

Scungled · 17/10/2026 11:56

theearthsayshello · 17/10/2026 11:17

Correct. And if they are capable of such treacherous, vile behaviour to the people who absolutely trust them, who they are supposed to love and care for, capable of looking them straight in the face and lying, they are untrustworthy people. It absolutely is that simple and it very definitely always goes to character.

But some who have put up with that gross behaviour can't bear to acknowledge they've saddled themselves with a liar for life. And some are cheaters and hope to minimise.

Your feelings matter more than the cheaters and cheater enablers feelings. If you want to calmly comment that a nice person doesn't behave like that, of course you should. Not a bad idea to help your daughter remember that these people are not trustworthy, and they are definitely not nice.

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I think that’s ridiculously melodramatic. Perfectly ordinary people have affairs and break up their marriages and/or other people’s. Is it ideal behaviour? Obviously not. Does it create enormous suffering, betrayal and disruption? Absolutely. Does that mean that the people who have affairs are irredeemably ‘vile and treacherous’ ? No. It makes them capable of the same kind of bad behaviour that a significant minority of people are capable of. Some surveys put the statistics at just shy of one third of people in the UK. That’s not to minimise the hurt and betrayal, but there isn’t a particular kind of monstrous person who cheats.

Mners are always saying ‘But if you’re attracted to someone else, do the honourable thing, go home, tell your spouse, get the divorce and then pursue the relationship.’ I know someone who did pretty much exactly that. Met someone on a work trip, told his wife and moved out as soon as he got home, and cracked on with the divorce, splitting the business they co-owned etc. I’m not sure his blindsided wife’s suffering was any less.

theearthsayshello · 17/10/2026 11:58

Scungled · 17/10/2026 11:56

I think that’s ridiculously melodramatic. Perfectly ordinary people have affairs and break up their marriages and/or other people’s. Is it ideal behaviour? Obviously not. Does it create enormous suffering, betrayal and disruption? Absolutely. Does that mean that the people who have affairs are irredeemably ‘vile and treacherous’ ? No. It makes them capable of the same kind of bad behaviour that a significant minority of people are capable of. Some surveys put the statistics at just shy of one third of people in the UK. That’s not to minimise the hurt and betrayal, but there isn’t a particular kind of monstrous person who cheats.

Mners are always saying ‘But if you’re attracted to someone else, do the honourable thing, go home, tell your spouse, get the divorce and then pursue the relationship.’ I know someone who did pretty much exactly that. Met someone on a work trip, told his wife and moved out as soon as he got home, and cracked on with the divorce, splitting the business they co-owned etc. I’m not sure his blindsided wife’s suffering was any less.

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Nah. Stop being ridiculously melodramatic.

Ciao.

Glowingup · 17/10/2026 12:08

Scungled · 17/10/2026 11:56

I think that’s ridiculously melodramatic. Perfectly ordinary people have affairs and break up their marriages and/or other people’s. Is it ideal behaviour? Obviously not. Does it create enormous suffering, betrayal and disruption? Absolutely. Does that mean that the people who have affairs are irredeemably ‘vile and treacherous’ ? No. It makes them capable of the same kind of bad behaviour that a significant minority of people are capable of. Some surveys put the statistics at just shy of one third of people in the UK. That’s not to minimise the hurt and betrayal, but there isn’t a particular kind of monstrous person who cheats.

Mners are always saying ‘But if you’re attracted to someone else, do the honourable thing, go home, tell your spouse, get the divorce and then pursue the relationship.’ I know someone who did pretty much exactly that. Met someone on a work trip, told his wife and moved out as soon as he got home, and cracked on with the divorce, splitting the business they co-owned etc. I’m not sure his blindsided wife’s suffering was any less.

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The men who do do the honourable thing and tell their wives it’s over are lambasted almost as much as the ones who cheat (especially on here). They still get called scum and accused of having started a new relationship before the divorce was finalised. So it seems you can’t win really. If you don’t love your spouse and end your relationship, you’re a scumbag. If you cheat, you’re a scumbag. The only option seems to be to stay in a miserable relationship forever.

MeowDoku · 17/10/2026 12:09

Weeeheee · 17/10/2026 10:58

I've got a great relationship with DD @Ilovelurchers We're currently en route to the west end doing puzzles and chatting and listening/singing along to Take That.

Like I've said, I didn't respond to the nice comment in the moment. I deflected. Then reflected. And wondered. Hence the MN post.

@MandSJaffaCakesRule

2 things

dunno what date the wedding is. I only know the fortnight it is due to the kids being away.
m&s JCs are far too orangey for me. A bit like Um Bongo for crows.

Um bongo isn't orange, Kia'Ora is

theearthsayshello · 17/10/2026 12:12

cloudtreecarpet · 17/10/2026 11:48

But what good does it serve?
Unlike the OP, the DD is likely to continue seeing her dad so is also going to have to see this woman seeing as her dad has moved abroad with her & lives with her.

I don't get what value there is in telling the DD, a fully grown adult, that this woman behaved badly towards the DD's mum.

She knows this but she has to see the OW and navigate that. It won't be easy so why make it harder for her by trying to influence her opinion of a woman who so far has been friendly to her?
To do that just smacks of bitterness and jealousy.

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It reminds her daughter to be wary of untrustworthy people of low character who behave in unsafe and vile ways.

Young people don't have the life experience of knowing that anyone who tries to minimise vile, treacherous behaviour, let alone those who participate in it, are not safe people for normal people to be around.

Cheaters are like a bag of shit with a hole in it, their filth leaks into all parts of their character and they smear their excrement all around. Everyone who spends much time with them has their shit smeared on them too, to some extent or another.

Good for the young woman to have a gentle reminder that a person who is a bag of leaking shit will inevitably leak that shit onto you as well. You can still talk to the bag of leaking shit if necessary, but always wear PPE - as it were - and be aware that you are talking to a liar and a cheat. Because it always goes to character.

MeowDoku · 17/10/2026 12:12

There's just nothing else you can tell your DD OP. She knows how they got together she knows what man her father is. There are plenty of people I might say are nice, like the lady I buy coffee from or the lollipop man at the school, it's a nothing content about the brief superficial interactions I have with them I don't have deeper relationships with them and I don't need to so I don't really care what they are like on a personal level. Your daughter's father moved ten hours away and she has a well informed negative opinion of him, this woman is hardly going to be a regular feature in her life. The she's nice comment amounts to nothing more than I'm able to be in the same room as her and make small talk. Don't overthink it

theearthsayshello · 17/10/2026 12:13

Glowingup · 17/10/2026 12:08

The men who do do the honourable thing and tell their wives it’s over are lambasted almost as much as the ones who cheat (especially on here). They still get called scum and accused of having started a new relationship before the divorce was finalised. So it seems you can’t win really. If you don’t love your spouse and end your relationship, you’re a scumbag. If you cheat, you’re a scumbag. The only option seems to be to stay in a miserable relationship forever.

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I have absolutely never seen any man post a thread saying he didn't fuck someone, didn't cheat at all, but instead left his wife, and then started a relationship only after he left. Literally never. And if they had nobody at all would lambast them.

Links or it never happened.

cloudtreecarpet · 17/10/2026 12:14

Glowingup · 17/10/2026 12:08

The men who do do the honourable thing and tell their wives it’s over are lambasted almost as much as the ones who cheat (especially on here). They still get called scum and accused of having started a new relationship before the divorce was finalised. So it seems you can’t win really. If you don’t love your spouse and end your relationship, you’re a scumbag. If you cheat, you’re a scumbag. The only option seems to be to stay in a miserable relationship forever.

Show quote history

Nah, there's a happy medium isn't there?

Talk about your problems, try to work it out together first.

People who are happy in their current relationship don't just meet someone at work, fell in love with them instantly and have to dump a person they made vows to.

There is a lead up to this when communication was needed, changes made, effort put in on both sides to regain the love that led the couple to marriage in the first place.
Clearly that didn't happen which led to the attraction to the work colleague & the wife dumping.

Don't excuse men like this.

cloudtreecarpet · 17/10/2026 12:17

theearthsayshello · 17/10/2026 12:12

It reminds her daughter to be wary of untrustworthy people of low character who behave in unsafe and vile ways.

Young people don't have the life experience of knowing that anyone who tries to minimise vile, treacherous behaviour, let alone those who participate in it, are not safe people for normal people to be around.

Cheaters are like a bag of shit with a hole in it, their filth leaks into all parts of their character and they smear their excrement all around. Everyone who spends much time with them has their shit smeared on them too, to some extent or another.

Good for the young woman to have a gentle reminder that a person who is a bag of leaking shit will inevitably leak that shit onto you as well. You can still talk to the bag of leaking shit if necessary, but always wear PPE - as it were - and be aware that you are talking to a liar and a cheat. Because it always goes to character.

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This is just so OTT.
If you were cheated on I think you need some therapy if this is your genuine view.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 17/10/2026 12:18

What's your goal in telling your DD the OW isn't nice? I'm struggling to think of one that doesn't boil down to "DD realises having any positive relationship with the OW is disloyal to me."

If you make your DD feel guilty for every pleasant interaction she has with her dad and his new partner, that's you punishing her for her dad's behaviour. Your ex hurt you, your daughter loves him, that doesn't mean she loves you less.

Blushingm · 17/10/2026 12:20

do you tell your DD her dad isn’t very nice? Or just the OW

cloudtreecarpet · 17/10/2026 12:24

RiaOverTheRainbow · 17/10/2026 12:18

What's your goal in telling your DD the OW isn't nice? I'm struggling to think of one that doesn't boil down to "DD realises having any positive relationship with the OW is disloyal to me."

If you make your DD feel guilty for every pleasant interaction she has with her dad and his new partner, that's you punishing her for her dad's behaviour. Your ex hurt you, your daughter loves him, that doesn't mean she loves you less.

Exactly this!
There is no gain for the DD in telling her the OW "isn't nice" and it's the DD & her feelings that need to be front and centre here.

As someone else said, she will probably only ever have a superficial relationship with this woman anyway.

Completeme · 17/10/2026 12:25

Cheaters aren’t always shitty people. Sometimes two people just fall in love without planning it. Life is messy.

And no. I’ve never cheated.

TheBabyFatmoss · 17/10/2026 12:45

@theearthsayshello you sound insane.

cloudtreecarpet · 17/10/2026 13:03

Completeme · 17/10/2026 12:25

Cheaters aren’t always shitty people. Sometimes two people just fall in love without planning it. Life is messy.

And no. I’ve never cheated.

I would qualify that and say cheaters aren't necessarily shitty people but cheating is 100% shitty behaviour and it shouldn't be excused so easily.

OtterlyAstounding · 17/10/2026 13:05

Scungled · 17/10/2026 11:56

I think that’s ridiculously melodramatic. Perfectly ordinary people have affairs and break up their marriages and/or other people’s. Is it ideal behaviour? Obviously not. Does it create enormous suffering, betrayal and disruption? Absolutely. Does that mean that the people who have affairs are irredeemably ‘vile and treacherous’ ? No. It makes them capable of the same kind of bad behaviour that a significant minority of people are capable of. Some surveys put the statistics at just shy of one third of people in the UK. That’s not to minimise the hurt and betrayal, but there isn’t a particular kind of monstrous person who cheats.

Mners are always saying ‘But if you’re attracted to someone else, do the honourable thing, go home, tell your spouse, get the divorce and then pursue the relationship.’ I know someone who did pretty much exactly that. Met someone on a work trip, told his wife and moved out as soon as he got home, and cracked on with the divorce, splitting the business they co-owned etc. I’m not sure his blindsided wife’s suffering was any less.

Show quote history

I have to think the blindsided wife would've been a lot more upset if she'd found out her husband had been having sex with both her and another woman for months, lying to her face, and then going and telling another woman he loved her. That's so much worse, I can’t understand why you'd think it wasn’t?

Original poster

Weeeheee · 17/10/2026 13:14

MeowDoku · 17/10/2026 12:09

Um bongo isn't orange, Kia'Ora is

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Aaaah.

You're right!

Humblest apologies.

OP posts:

ByUniqueViper · 17/10/2026 13:20

Absolutely dont say anything. You're going to think she's not nice as your husband left you for her. If someone is happy in their marriage they dont look for someone else. It might not have been done the right way but he clearly wasn't happy with you. Their relationship has obviously worked as they're getting married. Also your ex didn't leave the kids he left you.
Your daughter needs to make her own mind up about her and as long as she is nice to your daughter then thats all you need to worry about.
If you start bad mouthing it wont change anything and will make you look like the bitter ex wife. Keep your thoughts to yourself and your mouth shut

OtterlyAstounding · 17/10/2026 13:23

Weeeheee · 17/10/2026 13:14

Aaaah.

You're right!

Humblest apologies.

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Off-topic, but 'Kia ora'?! There's a British drink with a Te Reo Māori name? I just fell down a very strange rabbit hole looking that up.

Scungled · 17/10/2026 13:28

OtterlyAstounding · 17/10/2026 13:05

I have to think the blindsided wife would've been a lot more upset if she'd found out her husband had been having sex with both her and another woman for months, lying to her face, and then going and telling another woman he loved her. That's so much worse, I can’t understand why you'd think it wasn’t?

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Because I was there (had to fill in for her at work) in the immediate aftermath of the ‘I met someone else in the US on Friday, realised I’ve not been happy with you for years, I’ve found somewhere to rent and am moving out and I want a divorce, OK?’ conversation, and I thought she was going to go crazy with grief and shock. I barely recognised her. She thought they were perfectly happy, because she was, and he’d never given her any reason to think otherwise. She was pulling out handfuls of her own hair, on all fours on the floor. I hid the kitchen knives. It was as if she’d just found out he’d been killed. It’s hard to imagine it being any worse from her POV.

Denim12 · 17/10/2026 13:29

what is OW ?