Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He brang my daughter's sex life in an argument - feel sick - what to do?? Handhold please

288 replies

SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 09:43

Need to vent somewhere as can't talk to family and friends as it is so disturbing / disgusting.

I have been with "D"P for 2 years. It has not been plain sailing. He has been abusive to me, mostly verbal but really vicious things.

I said, in desperation really, that if DD (who's 23) told me her boyfriend treated her like he treats me I would tell her to end it. Because he just couldn't see how the latest thing he had said, to upset me, was so nasty.

He replied saying if "I had a son I would also tell him to get the fuck out [if son was treated badly by someone like me] but I would be a good father and not go out and get drunk with my son and let him fuck like rabbits with 2 or 3 men in a month. Thank God I will never be a father and I won't leave another monster behind 👹, who doesn't have a sense of reality 🥰🫶"

I just feel absolutely sick. It is true I have gone out with DD and had a few drinks. But she is 23!!!! And he knew she split up with her long-term high-school boyfriend, dated someone else, then ended up with her current partner, who's lovely. But what is freaking me out is the way he references my daughter "fucking like a rabbit". It's just so abhorrent to me. He's met her, and they've been cordial. And all the while he has been secretly judging her.

Also implicitly calling me a monster and saying I am leaving behind another one (IE, my DD).
I don't know what to do now. Every time I look at DD I feel sick thinking about what he has said about her. I had mentioned her relationship changes in passing because we are very close; but not in any detail.

Please, I need help with how to proceed. I am shaken and devastated. I am seeing him in a totally new light.

OP posts:
Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 14:58

BillieWiper · 15/10/2026 10:46

I'd just reply that yeah it's true if he had a child it'd probably be a monster if it took after him, that no woman would allow a vile being like him to impregnate them anyway, and fuck knows why he thinks that anything he's ever said or done makes him a potentially good father.

Then tell him to leave. And mean it.

He doesn't know anything about your daughter's private life and is just a misogynistic cunt who thinks shaming woman for having active sex lives is the ultimate soul destroying insult.

Imagine sleeping with two people consensually in a month. Wooo hoo! If that's taboo to him he must lead an extremely sheltered existence. Maybe he's the one with zero relationship with reality?

I do definitely think it is good he doesn't have kids he wouldn't be a good father or good co-parent and that is putting it mildly.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 15/10/2026 14:59

I’m going to get all Mumsnetty here.

LTB. It’s 2 years in, you have no kids together, little of a shared history, (hopefully) no shared property and he’s been emotionally abusive from the get go. Now he’s abusive about your daughter. He has no redeeming qualities about him at all really!

and you say yourself if your daughter had a boyfriend like him, you’d tell her to leave. Why not follow your own advice?

Jenpen31 · 15/10/2026 14:59

This is needs logging and reporting with the police. Its serious.
Give his belongings to the police for him to collect from them.
Change your locks asap.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 15/10/2026 15:00

Do you not value yourself? Dump him!

Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:02

Harrysmummy246 · 15/10/2026 10:52

I think you know how to proceed at this point, you just need reassurance having been in this abusive relationship, that you are thinking straight etc

Show quote history

Yes exactly.

I dunno why it has taken him insulting DD to make me want to finally end. It is just a question of how, I suppose. Yes exactly the reassurance as it's totally messed with my head so much. Like I said I feel totally sick to my stomach 😱 😭 there is crossing a line and there is... This

OP posts:
Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:03

ElmBeechOak · 15/10/2026 10:57

I don’t generally say LTB. But this is a clear case of LTB. He’s abusive and it’s only going to get worse.

This is from the NHS website:

//ways to get support:

The Survivor's Handbook from the charity Women's Aid is free and provides information for women on a wide range of issues, such as housing, money, helping your children and your legal rights.//
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

There is a list of signs of domestic abuse on that page.

Thank you so much 🙏🙏🙏

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 15/10/2026 15:04

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I think you’d be wise to stay single for a few years op and spend much of that time reading whatever you can get your hands on about abusers and how to spot abuse.

If he threatens anything, go to the police.

Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:05

LondonLass2026 · 15/10/2026 11:02

If he's been like this for as long as you've been with him, why are you so surprised at his latest turn? It hasn't come out of the blue.

There is no "new light". He's been this way all along.

I suppose not in a way but equally he has never said anything about DD before. It is weird that he has made such a specific comment about her sex life, it is beyond creepy and weird, he has just made it so weird and uncomfortable and I am just freaking out massively and spiraling

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2026 15:05

@SavageStoneAge

I'm going to assume you are done with him.

As far as cutting up the cards, go ahead and do it and make a video or take pics of the cut up cards. Problem is that you don't have to have a physical card to make online purchases so there is still a possibility that he will make purchases and then allege you did it. However, unless he has them delivered to your address, you'll be fine. Just be alert to any packages delivered that you did NOT order.

When it comes to his keys, it's sort of the same thing. You could record yourself dropping them through his mail slot, but that wouldn't keep him from saying you made copies and used them. If you can easily drop them in his mail slot and run, do that & film it. Otherwise, mail them or turn them in to the police.

Now I know you haven't and won't misuse the cards or keys! Just be prepared.

I agree with speaking to the police. They should have a DV officer or community officer you can speak to. They are best placed to tell you how to handle the CCs and the keys, and especially your fears of revenge porn. Where I live (US) it's a serious crime and could really land him in the shit. Hopefully it is where you are and that can act as a huge deterrent.

I know you said you have things at his. TBH, unless they are extremely valuable or very sentimental (jewelry, inherited items) or necessary to your life or work (laptop, iPad etc) I would simply consider them lost forever and replace them when I could. It's just not worth having to see him again. If you have things of his that he is going to want back, you can arrange an exchange in a public place. If that won't work, do not be with him by yourself. Have someone (preferably big and male) with you.

And I agree with having your locks or lock barrels changed. And remember to change any passwords you feel he may have seen you use.

bafta16 · 15/10/2026 15:09

See ya.

Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:11

getupdostuffgotobed · 15/10/2026 11:16

These things cannot be unsaid and given the lack of plain sailing I think this relationship has reached the end of the road.

I may be hard after 2 years to untangle yourself - after all there must have been some mutual attraction.

But it's easier to go after 2 years than patch up and then part after 3, 4 etc. Pull that plaster off.

Yes exactly it has not all been bad, obviously. Like ?all? Abusive Men his awfulness kinda crept up gradually. Nothing but nice but also normal initially. People tell you avoid love bombing but he didn't love bomb me it was just ?normal? initially. He is a very devious person I think
But 💯 somethings can't be unsaid and what he said about DD absolutely cannot be unsaid. I just feel sick, it wasn't like I was spending a lot of time talking about her just she split up with her sweetheart so she is a bit down, she has been seeing this new guy, then mentioning her boyfriend, "no not that one, it's someone else". And he is a lovely guy!!! I have met his parents and I think DP is jealous.

OP posts:
Endorewitch · 15/10/2026 15:12

SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 09:43

Need to vent somewhere as can't talk to family and friends as it is so disturbing / disgusting.

I have been with "D"P for 2 years. It has not been plain sailing. He has been abusive to me, mostly verbal but really vicious things.

I said, in desperation really, that if DD (who's 23) told me her boyfriend treated her like he treats me I would tell her to end it. Because he just couldn't see how the latest thing he had said, to upset me, was so nasty.

He replied saying if "I had a son I would also tell him to get the fuck out [if son was treated badly by someone like me] but I would be a good father and not go out and get drunk with my son and let him fuck like rabbits with 2 or 3 men in a month. Thank God I will never be a father and I won't leave another monster behind 👹, who doesn't have a sense of reality 🥰🫶"

I just feel absolutely sick. It is true I have gone out with DD and had a few drinks. But she is 23!!!! And he knew she split up with her long-term high-school boyfriend, dated someone else, then ended up with her current partner, who's lovely. But what is freaking me out is the way he references my daughter "fucking like a rabbit". It's just so abhorrent to me. He's met her, and they've been cordial. And all the while he has been secretly judging her.

Also implicitly calling me a monster and saying I am leaving behind another one (IE, my DD).
I don't know what to do now. Every time I look at DD I feel sick thinking about what he has said about her. I had mentioned her relationship changes in passing because we are very close; but not in any detail.

Please, I need help with how to proceed. I am shaken and devastated. I am seeing him in a totally new light.

Surprised you are even asking. If I had an unpleasant partner and he insulted my child,that would be the end. Get rid!

Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:12

ThatLilacTiger · 15/10/2026 11:40

Right so presumably if you have an adult child and this is a young relationship, you aren't reliant on him in any meaningful way. So why are you choosing to stay in an abusive relationship with someone who repulses you? Just tell him to fuck off and don't bother engaging with him anymore. Also it's 'brought'.

What is "brought"?

OP posts:
Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:15

PetulaGordeno · 15/10/2026 11:45

You do know what to do because you’ve said you’d give that advice to your daughter.
Why are you living in this misery? You aren’t trapped I assume, hopefully you have your own finances.
I have a friend who has recently gone back to an abusive partner.
The last time he went off on one I read his messages - he said I have done everything I can to hurt you and I’ve run out of ideas so it’s your children next, as that will really hurt.
Adult children, not his.
What he was threatening would have blown their worlds apart.
It was horrendous to see the messages were vile and violent.
And now after getting help to leave him the 8th time, she showed her family the messages, they were devastated and all of us were there to help her move out.
They are now renewing their vows and I have lost my friend.
Don’t be that woman. You get one precious life.

I am sorry 😔

He sounds awful. I hope your friend escapes one day x

OP posts:
Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:18

PoppieCock · 15/10/2026 12:02

I've reported.

There's always one 🙄

Show quote history

Thank you for reporting what was I assume a horrible comment. Everyone else has been lovely on here and I am SO HAPPY to have all this support 💞💞💞

OP posts:
TheGander · 15/10/2026 15:20

Agree with everyone who says dump him. What bothers me slightly is you have been putting up with his shitiness towards you, and it’s only when he’s said vile things about your daughter that you draw the line. You are slso
worthy of respect and decent treatment. Going forward, please don’t let anyone abuse you, even if they are respectful of your kids.

rainbowsnack · 15/10/2026 15:23

SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 13:05

There was a few incidents which I would say crossed the line.
Damaging bits of presents he got me. He had a rare card he was going to give me but tore it up in front of me.
He wanted me to take something so he grabbed me by both wrists as I didn't want to take it. He wanted to grab my handbag to get to my phone and I didn't want to hand it over so he bent my fingers back. I was trying to get away from him when he went into a rage so I went upstairs and asked him to leave me alone but he followed me right behind me. He also showed me a video he'd taken when I was a sleep and he was trying to put his penis in my mouth and he showed me because he thought it was funny. He said he had sex with me when I was a sleep but when I was shocked he said he was joking. And also that I had said he can have sex with me when I was asleep (I didn't say this). Also some other stuff when I was asleep which honestly I am too ashamed me to post.

So yeah he has videos of me / sex when I was sleeping and also we did do videos I consent to but he has acted weird like sending me a naked photos he had of me and telling me to show it to my exHusband like look I have photos of you.

I am very worried about the revenge porn!!!!!

He also threw my stuff around a lot if he was mad or would do the washing up but in a really angry way which sounds stupid but was quite scary. Taking my half finished coffee and pouring it away and clattering the crockery in the bowl really loud. Once he threw a pile of my things right across the room. Also yelling at me so I can ball up and not stopping like a normal person, but actually making it worst by continuing to yell

Show quote history

You realise that recording you without your consent is illegal, right? And you can go to the police about it?

getupdostuffgotobed · 15/10/2026 15:27

With regard to potential revenge porn I, like most, know what it is but not how to prevent images getting onto such sites.

Whilst there are penalties for those who do post getting rid of it, once its on sites, is harder. I think you need to ask more professional advice on this.

Finishing with him and then...'and by the way I'd like my photos back please' At best you'll get copies back, at worst he'll immediately do what you fear and/or try to blackmail you.

However with the serious sentences being handed out to those who drugged their partners (and a bit of a 'me too' momentum) he may decide doing nothing is the best policy.

All the best.

Dorothyperky · 15/10/2026 15:27

OP if he's taken nude pictures of you without your consent he is sexually assaulting you. Placing his penis in your mouth when you are not fully conscious is assault.
I'd have him arrested. He could hurt someone else.
He's dangerous. You say he's from a different country? We might have some right thugs here these days but other cultures don't necessarily have the same respect for women and I say that as someone in a mixed heritage marriage.

Thank God you don't live with him. He's a vile, disrespectful wanker. Do not let him slither back.
Your adult daughter is none of his business, perhaps he's the sort of weirdo who thinks he gets two for one?
Making indecent images is a criminal offence too. Before he blackmails you, report him.

blueberrymilkshake · 15/10/2026 15:27

SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:12

What is "brought"?

Show quote history

The PP is pointing out the 'brang' is not a standard English word. The correct past tense is 'brought'
Although I think it's a quite common in some dialects...

Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:27

ForLimeHiker · 15/10/2026 13:33

More conservative, yet he loves to film you having sex and talks about your daughter’s sex life? Sounds more like a country where men can do what they want with no consequences whilst women suffer through. Disgusting. Feel for you!

Show quote history

Yes it is a country like that. Very high domestic abuse rates and murders and stuff. Double standards 100%
His dad was extremely violent to him and his mother, his mother was extremely violent to him. Less so to his brothers and sisters he seems to have been the whipping boy and I think he has made him very angry and vengeful

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 15/10/2026 15:29

What he is doing to you in your sleep is despicable.
Do not worry about revenge porn. He has been raping you.

TheGander · 15/10/2026 15:37

This gets worse and worse. Definitely go to the police so they are aware, when you leave him, in case he threatens you. Tell him the police are aware.

Original poster
SavageStoneAge · 15/10/2026 15:38

blueberrymilkshake · 15/10/2026 15:27

The PP is pointing out the 'brang' is not a standard English word. The correct past tense is 'brought'
Although I think it's a quite common in some dialects...

Show quote history

Oh 🫤

OP posts:
Batsuke1 · 15/10/2026 15:46

Take this as confirmation you need to get him out of your life asap. No good can come from this relationship. He’s awful.