He brang my daughter's sex life in an argument - feel sick - what to do?? Handhold please

[SavageStoneAge]

Need to vent somewhere as can't talk to family and friends as it is so disturbing / disgusting.

I have been with "D"P for 2 years. It has not been plain sailing. He has been abusive to me, mostly verbal but really vicious things.

I said, in desperation really, that if DD (who's 23) told me her boyfriend treated her like he treats me I would tell her to end it. Because he just couldn't see how the latest thing he had said, to upset me, was so nasty.

He replied saying if "I had a son I would also tell him to get the fuck out [if son was treated badly by someone like me] but I would be a good father and not go out and get drunk with my son and let him fuck like rabbits with 2 or 3 men in a month. Thank God I will never be a father and I won't leave another monster behind 👹, who doesn't have a sense of reality 🥰🫶"

I just feel absolutely sick. It is true I have gone out with DD and had a few drinks. But she is 23!!!! And he knew she split up with her long-term high-school boyfriend, dated someone else, then ended up with her current partner, who's lovely. But what is freaking me out is the way he references my daughter "fucking like a rabbit". It's just so abhorrent to me. He's met her, and they've been cordial. And all the while he has been secretly judging her.

Also implicitly calling me a monster and saying I am leaving behind another one (IE, my DD).
I don't know what to do now. Every time I look at DD I feel sick thinking about what he has said about her. I had mentioned her relationship changes in passing because we are very close; but not in any detail.

Please, I need help with how to proceed. I am shaken and devastated. I am seeing him in a totally new light.

Jeez - you’re answering your own question all the way through your post!!
Don’t feel sick, feel angry then put your big girl pants on and end this extremely abusive relationship with this obnoxious man.

You don’t have to be with him you know. Just end it.

Yes it is weird. I did meet one or two friends but they seem to be either his landlord or "drinking buddies". He constantly slags his friends off and thinks he is better than them.

He has met my mum but she feels he is a fake.. I cannot blame her... And DD of course. He really wanted to meet my friends almost to like VET them. He has been basically trying to cut me off from them gradually always sulking if I see them to the point where I don't bother. Same with my siblings and cousins. Or going home if we go out, after he will accuse me of flirting or something. And then have a big argument with me.

have you got a plan for ending it? I would deffo recommend speaking to Women's Aid and the police before you tell him.

My mum was in a abusive relationship for years. He was an alcoholic and he used to say the most awful things to my mother and to my younger brother who was living at home at the time. I was living elsewhere. Anyway she stayed with him for over 10 years putting up with his crap, making excuses for him, sitting there quietly. In the end I took her out of that situation myself. My hubby and I put her up till we could sort out the house, finances etc and she was stable enough to manage on her own. However, in the background all the abuse took its toll on my brother. The mental verbal abuse stayed with him for many many years. His relationship with my mother now is great but fractured deep down. Think of the long term affect this may have on your DD if he starts being abusive to her. We wish my mother would of left years ago, may of spared my brother some trauma. However, he is now the most brilliant dad to his girls.

Why do you need a handhold? Your life will be better with hom gone. Why are you with him?

You said he was abusive so you have your answer.

Also you brought your daughter into the argument first…so the bit you are complaining about is bizarre.

The thing you should be complaining about is that he is abusive, just get rid of him

Text book abuser.
Trying to isolate you from your family and friends.

Yes totally I TOTALLY can see what he was doing now. He would accuse me of being out and flirty with guys if I went out with the girls when he met them he was surprised at how not like that we are. Like we prefer to just chat not go out dancing at the age we are now. But I do go out with my DD and he really hates that I think.

Stop worrying about it. Dump

I did 😃
I haven't spoke to him since those texts come through from him on Monday.

He sent me flowers today. I threw them in the bin. 🥀🥀🥀

I have just blocked him everywhere. That is my plan I guess.

I will I think go to women's aid tomorrow.

I wanted a handhold because he had mentioned my DD in a sexual manner and I was totally in shock about it.

AND I have no single person to talk it through in real life because it is such a horrible message.

So I was ending it, I knew I had to, and dealing with this all on my own.

He really was, and yes, me too!

Sure someone else has already answered this, they will not inform him of a Claire’s Law request. They are normally quite quick at contacting you and inviting you to a call within 48 hours if anything comes up on the request. He will not know. Also, revenge porn is now a crime, so if you are worrying about that, it can be dealt with.

Speak to family. Family are invaluable at this stage. Talk to them and explain what's been going on. Always best to have them in your corner

Have some dignity here towards yourself and your DD. Toss this man in the bin where he belongs and do not even entertain the thought that you may somehow be wrong about that decision.

I have told them some bits, I am sorta ashamed about the latest thing he said though because it will be their niece/ granddaughter.

I just cannot share that he was talking about DD in a sexual manner.

What I have done though is tell them it is over for good. Because what he said was so absurd and gross etc.

Yes it is about dignity and I am now at the stage where I just can't even think about him without being sick.

I was already in the process of ending things when he sent the messages about DD but I think have he not said what he did I might have gotten back with him as that has happened before but now he has crossed a line in the sand!!!!!! 😱 and I will never see him in the same light if that makes any sense at all.

I feel stupid for not ending things sooner but he has a way of reeling me back in normally. I must have tried ending things about 4 or 5 times already

Op, what the fuck are you doing? Seeing him in a new light, really, you have already said he’s abusive. If you would tell your daughter to stay away from a man like this then why isn’t that very sound advice applicable to her mother.

He’s a dick, you knew this already. Do better!

I think it is probably due to low self-esteem and the gradually erosion of my boundaries that I stayed with him for so long. Like I said it wasn't like he was always awful to me it was a slow process heading up to the abuse.
And also the thing about my daughter having sex was just a totally new realm of awfulness I suppose. But I was already breaking up with him when he sent me that message. I think what is different this time around is that I will not get roped back in like I usually do because it has just weirded me out and grossed me out so much that he describes my daughter as "fucking like a rabbit" - just typing that out my stomach dropped because it just awful awful awful 🤢

But yeah it is well and truly over now. Which is a good thing

You need to get on the front foot right now over this fear of what he might do. I would type out a letter making it very clear I am aware of what he has threatened to do with images/video, remind him that sharing these images is against the law, and that if he does it, or continues to threaten to do so, you will go straight to the police. Also write that you have filmed yourself putting this letter, together with his keys and cards, through his letter box so you have evidence they have been safely returned to his address. Put the letter, keys and cards in an envelope, and film yourself posting them.

And then you are done with him.

It might be hard but if you tell them everything it will be easier for them to help you. Please do not feel ashamed. You are not responsible for the words that come out of his mouth. You are responsible though for keeping yourself and your daughter safe. Glad you've got rid of him. Hopefully for good. Have strength and remember dont let him reel you in. I wish you luck and happiness x

don't go to his house. Hand them into the police. Along with the screenshots of his threatening messages.

Whatever "conservative" country this azzhat is from can take him right back. One way.

Edited to be less nosy. 😬🤐😳