He brang my daughter's sex life in an argument - feel sick - what to do?? Handhold please

[SavageStoneAge]

Need to vent somewhere as can't talk to family and friends as it is so disturbing / disgusting.

I have been with "D"P for 2 years. It has not been plain sailing. He has been abusive to me, mostly verbal but really vicious things.

I said, in desperation really, that if DD (who's 23) told me her boyfriend treated her like he treats me I would tell her to end it. Because he just couldn't see how the latest thing he had said, to upset me, was so nasty.

He replied saying if "I had a son I would also tell him to get the fuck out [if son was treated badly by someone like me] but I would be a good father and not go out and get drunk with my son and let him fuck like rabbits with 2 or 3 men in a month. Thank God I will never be a father and I won't leave another monster behind 👹, who doesn't have a sense of reality 🥰🫶"

I just feel absolutely sick. It is true I have gone out with DD and had a few drinks. But she is 23!!!! And he knew she split up with her long-term high-school boyfriend, dated someone else, then ended up with her current partner, who's lovely. But what is freaking me out is the way he references my daughter "fucking like a rabbit". It's just so abhorrent to me. He's met her, and they've been cordial. And all the while he has been secretly judging her.

Also implicitly calling me a monster and saying I am leaving behind another one (IE, my DD).
I don't know what to do now. Every time I look at DD I feel sick thinking about what he has said about her. I had mentioned her relationship changes in passing because we are very close; but not in any detail.

Please, I need help with how to proceed. I am shaken and devastated. I am seeing him in a totally new light.

I don't know what to do now.

Of course you know what to do. You get rid of the abusive., misogynistic twat. The fact that he's even thinking about your DD's sex life is just plain creepy.

I am really worried that he has had this thought and it makes me feel totally sick. I have been trying to avoid this question

DD is obviously younger than me, and !am biaised😊! But she is very beautiful and you know like - likes to do her hair, dresses up, things young women tend to do.
I really hope he didn't think about it but I suppose maybe he did which makes me think he is a pedophile because to me she is just my little girl even though she is a 20-something.

2 things stand out. 1st he said she was photogenic. We were listing who and who wasn't photogenic, just a stupid chat one time.
2nd his usual "type" has her colour hair / TEXTURE and eyes. Made a big thing about how my hair type he doesn't usually go for.

He didn't know I had a daughter at first but now I just think is he some kind of predator, am very worried he has made a pass at her or something but don't want to ask in case he hasn't because that would be a weird question to ask as she doesn't know about his message (((AND I WILL OBVIOUSLY NEVER TELL HER)))

Also he has a bug up his ass about how people sleep around too much in this country. How his country was more more more conservative.

Come on OP, couples counselling within a 2 yr if I am right? Relationship, again highlighting how wrong things are, and you are right it is not advised when there is abuse.

Absolutely disgusting sounding man.

Where is he from

Just to say well done, OP. And good luck. 💗💗💗

Who cares, ditch him and make him cease to be your problem.

So he can fuck off back there, then.

Cut up the credit cards and post them back to him. If anything of yours is valuable enough to need to be collected from his, go with a burly friend, otherwise write it off and post his keys through his door.

why are you with him? I do not understand why you are allowing this man any airtime, let alone in hour home around your daugher?

@Thundertoast it is hard to come to terms with that fact. That no he did not like me he just found someone with low self-esteem (ME!!!) and thought it would benefit him.

I will say he was very convincing and the abusiveness was very insidiously creeping up up up gradually but it had got to the point where I would not tell him if I was meeting friends as he didn't like that. Didn't like my friends being so important to me. Little nudges about what to wear. How to style my hair, how to do X, Y, Z. Constantly trying to get me to improve my behaviour.

Exactly so you knew things were not right already. When we acknowledge wrongs and things that are not healthy or normal in a relationship then we have to go with that.

please do the Freedom Programme.

If he doesn't know your friends, can't one of them take his belongings and credit cards back to him and post them when he is out? - preferably a man so he is less likely to retaliate. no note. just post them in an envelope?

Edited to add - if he has a ring doorbell get the friend to wear a disguise. And revenge porn is illegal so report him to the police if you have a fear he might and has threatened you.

There was a few incidents which I would say crossed the line.
Damaging bits of presents he got me. He had a rare card he was going to give me but tore it up in front of me.
He wanted me to take something so he grabbed me by both wrists as I didn't want to take it. He wanted to grab my handbag to get to my phone and I didn't want to hand it over so he bent my fingers back. I was trying to get away from him when he went into a rage so I went upstairs and asked him to leave me alone but he followed me right behind me. He also showed me a video he'd taken when I was a sleep and he was trying to put his penis in my mouth and he showed me because he thought it was funny. He said he had sex with me when I was a sleep but when I was shocked he said he was joking. And also that I had said he can have sex with me when I was asleep (I didn't say this). Also some other stuff when I was asleep which honestly I am too ashamed me to post.

So yeah he has videos of me / sex when I was sleeping and also we did do videos I consent to but he has acted weird like sending me a naked photos he had of me and telling me to show it to my exHusband like look I have photos of you.

I am very worried about the revenge porn!!!!!

He also threw my stuff around a lot if he was mad or would do the washing up but in a really angry way which sounds stupid but was quite scary. Taking my half finished coffee and pouring it away and clattering the crockery in the bowl really loud. Once he threw a pile of my things right across the room. Also yelling at me so I can ball up and not stopping like a normal person, but actually making it worst by continuing to yell

The emojis in my original post?

Yes those exact ones in that order.

Often if he was being upset or pissy he would send emojis sarcastic like 🤗😘🥰👌🫶

Does he live with you and DD?

sex with you while you were sleeping. I think you need to call the police. And Women's Aid.

She said they don’t live together

My god I’m so sorry thank goodness you don’t live with him major major plus

Actually I agree, contact the police maybe they can support on the revenge porn worry

I’m so sorry you have got caught up with this man but you are doing something now, do not look back

how do you proceed @SavageStoneAge you end it.

Also.. "Because he just couldn't see how the latest thing he had said, to upset me, was so nasty."

He damn well can see.
He did it deliberately and he's pretending he doesn't understand so that

1. you will stop bringing it up and
2. so that he doesn't have to accept any responsibility for his actions and
3. so that he can carry on behaving the same way.

HE KNOWS IT UPSETS YOU. HE KNOWS ITS NASTY.
He does it because it puts you in your place. Keeps you under his control. He thinks pretending doesn't understand what he did wrong, means he did nothing wrong, therefore puts you on the back foot for accusing an "innocent" man.

He is utterly vile.
Protect yourself. Protect your DD.
The way his thoughts are running and now showing through is concerning as it sounds like he might turn even more violent. ~Report him to the police. Get some support to leave safely and then block him from your life.

This is already a police matter. His behaviour is disgusting. Get the police involved before he does anything.

Also, ask your daughter about his behaviour. You don’t need to repeat the things he said- just that u now realise he was an unpleasant person. Do not assume she wd tell you.

You need to call the police, that is sexual assault. If he has that on his phone, he will incriminate himself because they will seize it as soon as they arrest him.

You are describing quite serious domestic violence and sexual abuse here. You need the police as others have rightly said. Get in touch with women’s aid and see they have legal advice to support you with getting a restraining order.
he did understand. He is a grown man. It is not your job to teach him right from wrong - that was his parents and they completely failed on that one.

Call the police. Take proactive steps to remove the fear of what he may or may not do next. And contact women’s aid. You’ve been badly abused and need support to understand and come to terms with it so you don’t end up repeating the cycle and to protect your DD.