Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

Sounds like a really tough situation but if your friend was a Social Worker (even retired) he has a duty of care to report abuse, he doesn't really have much choice
Unless you think he was being malicious then I think you should let it go, I appreciate that you may not feel comfortable with the friendship going forward though

I wouldn't speak to them. I'd just cut them out.

For doing what they are legally obligated to?

I wouldn't have any interest in being friends with someone I couldn't trust. Also, anything else you say to them may end up being relayed to the authorities. The risk-reward of continuing the relationship is very poor.

Unless ive missed something OP lost her temper and threw stuff around, not threw stuff at her mum. How is that abusive?

Friend should have spoken to you in the first instance. Instead they've reported you and created more stress and difficulty at a difficult time. Not sure I'd be able to talk to them again if I were you.

Stay away from him. He’s dangerous to you

Throwing stuff around when there are vulnerable/children etc in the room is seen as abusive I thought? It is certainly frightening for those in the room.
OP sorry you are going through a tough time - can you get extra support?

There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted.

Why would you be prosecuted?

Was either parent injured?

do you think it was malicious or poorly thought through concern? have you seen him be spiteful before?

Is it true that social services are legally obliged to tell you who reported you? I thought you could report anonymously. Surely that would put people off reporting?

This is what I was thinking?

He did the right thing, elderly abuse is not something that can be tolerated, or excused, and I’m sure it will be fine, you shouldn’t feel let down you should feel relieved he looked out for your parents.

When you say threw stuff, did you just throw or did you throw stuff at one of your parents ?

I'm going to assume that the OP shared a lot more with her friend than she has shared here.

I'm also going to assume that her friend has seen a lot more of the anger than she has shared here.

This is because she's shared very little and because anger wil have been involved if she threw things around and because we tend to vent when talking to friends in the immediate aftermath of an event.

Unless ive missed something OP lost her temper and threw stuff around, not threw stuff at her mum. How is that abusive?

In abusive relationships, throwing stuff around rather than at people, is still considered abuse.

I can't speak for whether the friend acted in good faith or not because only the OP knows what she said and only he knows how he interpreted it but I'm a teacher and have 'safeguarding professionals' in the wider family and we all have a professional duty to report something concerning if we are aware of it. Even if others might consider it 'not that bad'.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

Really don't think this is the case. Anonymous reports are still investigated and there is awareness that in some cases, disclosing the source could put them in actual danger.

He wasnt though. He's retired and just sticking his oar in.

There is a terminally ill man dying in a house where shouting and throwing things has occurred.

He's extremely vulnerable because he can't even get up out of bed.

And you think he was 'sticking his oar in'?

Really?

Don't you think your behaviour was abusive, OP? Losing your temper and throwing things?

Stressed wife and daughter of terminally ill man have an argument.
There-fixed it for you.
Heightened emotions do not required a SS referral FFS.
Clearly OP's mother is in agreeance

You've fixed nothing except any possible doubt that you think extremely vulnerable people, should put up with this sort of behaviour in their own home.

And that no-one should check on their welfare.

Whatever the reason it's pretty obvious that you're all in a pretty overwhelming stressful time and I don't care if you're Mother Theresa, we all have a limit when caring for people in a pretty full on way. In a way he may have done you a favour as you obviously need more support. Or help to step away as much as possible from caring for your parents.

However you won't be able to trust this person again. He made a call but lost a friend in the process. He'll have considered that before doing it.

Be honest about the stress you're under and ask for someone to take over or share the load.

As usual the OTT responses 🤣🙄

Poor woman is up to her eyes and it’s all getting on top of her so she threw some stuff down (which could be clothes!) in frustration and walked off, yet somehow this has been twisted to she’s chucked a hard object at her mother and it smashed her dad over the head.

I mean honest to christ, give the OP a break. We all get frustrated, we all get pushed to out limits and so she chucked some stuff down and walked off big deal. Her mothers reaction even says she didn’t want it to go further tells me she didn’t feel threatened!

Some people are dicks and he sounds like a massive one for doing it behind your back. OP could wash her hands of it all and say she’s not helping anymore as it too much for her and would be well within her right! Give her a break!

Maybe he spoke to social services because he could see you and your mum were stressed and upset and needed extra help. Perhaps he was doing it from a good place rather than a malicious one.

Members of the public can report anonymously, professionals can't. If the friend was reporting and had shared that they were an ex social worker then it's more likely they'd been considered as a 'professional' in that context. Realistically the friend probably would've known that it's likely the OP would guess it would have been them (because very few people would have the info to report) so wouldn't be likely to ask for it to be anonymous.
I've reported a few things I've seen in my personal life and have always been honest about my profession and given my name to it, the only time I wouldn't would be if there was a genuine and serious worry about repercussions (more than someone 'just' being annoyed with me)

Every time a case of abuse is in the news, people always ask 'why didn't anyone get involved?' 'Why didn't someone say something?'
Even if you didn't hurt either of your parents, it doesn't sound like a particularly nice environment for your father to be spending his last weeks/months. You don't deserve to be prosecuted for your outburst, but maybe you need more help than you're currently receiving.