Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

Except no-one is piling onto the OP.

Some think it was the right call and others think it wasn't.

Who are all these saints who have looked after much loved dying parents, coping with all the horrors of terminal illness and the general inadequacy of the support available (non-existent in many cases) and never once had a small melt down?

but in this case, the op presented it as a one off explosive row.

which to be fair is exactly how instances of chronically unsafe caregiving will usually appear at first.

I can’t believe some of the sanctimonious replies on here. Caring for a dying person is awful - both you and your mother are under huge stress. As far as I understand the current state of play an army of carers isn’t suddenly going to step out of the wings. Take care of yourself and bin the ‘friend’.

I just didn't think she described an assault. Is throwing something but not at a person assault? If it is then they should report it but I just didn't think it was.

You're presuming she threw anything at her mum and judging her on something that you don't know happened.

Being with someone who is angry and throwing things could be very frightening. It is abusive behaviour - even worse when the other people are vulnerable eg elderly(90's!!) ill or a child.

What's he lied about?

It can be seen as abusive. Both having dealt with two parents, with dementia, etc, it’s not easy.

If it is just normal extreme stress of dealing with eldery and very ill parents - the HCP will have seen it before and may offer additional support.

Though I agree eldery parents board is a really good place to post and vent when needed.

I can see why OP is upset though - I vented to some friends after a bad week with young kids of extranous stuff - illness wider family being shit and event being organised by me - and got some good advice but a children center staff member who'd just been on course and was apparenly listening in decide it meant I wasn't coping and then had HV doing unannouned drop in at terrible time for me and kids - but said we had to see her there and then or it would go to SS - no help just questions. I was very careful was was said and where after that.

Two parents in their nineties, a terminal diagnosis for one of them , she’s been a carer for years , I hope the social services can offer your parents more support , no wonder you snapped maybe your friend thought he would be helping you in a very difficult situation , let’s hope you all get some extra support to enable you to be a loving daughter to your dad and not solely his carer in the time he has left . 🩷

Not sure who you're aiming that at, as you won't quote anyone, but I'm in the category you describe. I had my "meltdowns" in private. Never ever in front of my mum. With her dementia it would have terrified her. She literally turned into a child, mentally.

Feeling something, and acting it out in front of a very vulnerable person, are two very different things.

I still support the op as I know how horrific it is to care for ill parents.

I would hate to have friends like this.

Not even a stern: ‘This really isn't ok, this is something I’d report, you need to get help because I’m starting to feel conflicted’, if they were genuinely concerned.

Throwing stuff ‘around’ isn't great but even shouting can be considered abusive. Has anyone here never shouted? Proportionality and tact exists!

What is more likely to happen is that OP's father will be shunted off to a care home or hospital, depending on the current nursing needs, and live out his final days on a noisy NHS ward, OP's mother will have to soldier on alone and OP will be out of the picture entirely. If her so called friend felt that OP was at breaking point it would have been more useful and constructive to have simply helped her to arrange extra care cover so that she could have some respite from the caring burden. I know from personal experience that it never pays to have any involvement from SS who will simply do whatever is easiest and cheapest rather than what's best. This could all go to shit very quickly now.

Only you know went on OP. And your mum of course. I think your friend felt he had to report. I understand that. However if I was you I think my immediate reaction would be that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

The ones who are on good drugs - or never done it!

Ogs, so dramatic!
Or to be fair could actually be a one off?!

I've worked in safeguarding. If I had concerns about a friend I would have told them I was referring them to social services as I have a duty of care and think they need support.I wouldn't do it behind their back.

Your friend did the right thing. So have social work and the police.

your dad is a vulnerable adult and these things need checking out

Or to be fair could actually be a one off?!

i’ll ask again. how would you know it was a one off. and you can’t say ‘because they said it was’

You need to learn to regulate your emotions, not throw tantrums and lose your temper at your parents who are in their 90s ffs. Your mate did the right thing

But if he knows how it works, he would have known that the police could have been called?