Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

We don't know what happened. We weren't there. And I'd be upset if a friend reported me to authorities

But, I assume he had genuine concerns and felt obliged to report? I can't criticise him for that

Sorry you're going through a hard time

It’s an indication that OP is under stress and possibly struggling. Social services are not always carrying a big stick. In these circumstances they can help, and it’ll give OP an opportunity to ask for a carers assessment for herself. Better now after an episode of throwing things around in temper, than waiting until further down the line when she’s overwhelmed and stressing herself into illness.

We have really played with the world "abusive." It seems like everything is in that word now, but it really does not help people, especially those suffering from abuse.

Losing one's temper in a fraught situation, as a one off, does not qualify as abuse. Of course it can be frightening and intimidating, I am not debating that. But, it would need to be an on going thing that is used to get one's own way, and to control those around, to be abusiv, in my opinion.

Whether or not he was right and obligated to report, the friendship is most definitely over. How could there possibly be any coming back from that?

Are there any injuries OP? Is your mum or your dad injured? Were they hit by anything you threw? Talk of prosecution for a shouting match and slinging something (not at anyone) sounds over the top.

It depends on the outcome, if it results in an increased care package, home or hospice care then that's positive but I would ask the friend why they didn't speak to me first, he's only been home a short while and it's already causing friction which is no good for anyone. It isn't up to the mum if she wants to prosecute or not.

One of the basic rules in safeguarding is that it’s not your job to decide whether or not something wrong took place, it’s just your job to report any concerns and let others decide. That’s what he did. But obviously you can end a friendship if you feel no longer comfortable in their presence and you don’t need a legitimate reason for doing so.

Just like when someone kills another person/themselves when waiting for help from mental health services, and they're clogged up with someone seeking an ADHD diagnosis on a whim

sorry are you saying there are some people who are seeking an ADHD diagnosis for fake reasons and therefore are in some way responsible for the lack of on the ground social care elsewhere? not the government? not the people who decide how to spend our tax? but the person three streets away who thinks they might be neurodivergent? there must be a personal story behind this leap!

There’s a lot of elder abuse out there and most of it is from partners or children of severely ill elderly people.

yes it’s stressful looking after an elderly ill person.

but loud verbal rows aren’t great and if it did escalate to full on throwing things that’s really not good.

obviously what was thrown and at whom/towards whom matters here, and you don’t say.

but yeah, I’ve been the disabled person taking the brunt of someone else’s anger and knowing I can’t physically run away and it is genuinely terrifying.

i hope your dad wasn’t listening terrified

He did the right thing. You sound overwhelmed. Is it possible to step back and allow professionals to take over some of the caring? At least the more physical things and you can be there more emotionally.

Losing one's temper in a fraught situation, as a one off, does not qualify as abuse. Of course it can be frightening and intimidating, I am not debating that. But, it would need to be an on going thing that is used to get one's own way, and to control those around, to be abusiv, in my opinion

how would you find out if it was the latter or former? **no one is going to admit to being regularly intimidating

You know he was right to report any suspect abuse. Caring can be very difficult and he maybe trying to support you !

No you can be abusive in rhe moment,

the op hasn’t come back or given details, but I’d also assume she’s not been reported for just throwing a mug , she’s potentially thrown stuff at her parents, the accusation is violence to them,

and yes absolutely even if it’s a one off, it would be abuse, also remember this is unlikely to be a young person posting, the op is potentially herself in her sixties if not older,

Exactly.

I wonder what help he has actually offered? Or just wants to judge an incredibly difficult situation from the safety of the side.

If all he has done is report you and not offered help, he is vile

It happens, but I’m surprised there are PPs who think throwing things isn’t abusive. It can be very intimidating, especially if you’re vulnerable.

Saying that, I don’t think I could get over a friend reporting me (unless they had very good reasons to do so). I’d probably just stop contact and if they ever reached out I’d say something along the lines of “I understand why you did what you did, but I don’t think I can look past it and I would appreciate if you don’t contact me any longer”.

Adult safeguarding services are definitely not obligated to disclose the referrer, in fact they are supposed to keep this information completely confidential. So thats really odd!

I'd consider that friendship over. Couldn't really trust them after that.

This man is not your friend. If he had concerns he should have spoken to you directly first before going to social services.
Looking after someone who is terminally ill at home is very stressful on all involved and it can take a huge toll on family members.
In future, be very careful who you confide in as it would appear you cant trust anybody these days.
He should have got more information from both you and your mother before going to the authorities. He needs to be cut out of your life.

I really, really feel for you op. My elderly mum has Alzheimer’s which is now very advanced and I’ve been helping to care for her over the last 8 years, I have a prickly relationship with my father and there have been times when I have wanted to go absolutely ape at him and the whole horrid situation which seems to have dragged on for an eternity.

The social workers who have come to see us have been nothing but totally understanding and full of empathy, they know just how stressful caring for elderly and unwell parents can be. If your friend has any kind of understanding of what you are going through (and he should have based on his profession), he would have talked to you first before going behind your back…..sorry but imo he is no friend of yours and just adding to the stress he knows you are already under.

Your friend hasn't done anything wrong. You told him about an incident where you and your mother were shouting and screaming at each other, and which culminated in you throwing things. That's pretty serious in a household where two people are in their 90s and one is dying. It's not necessarily suggesting that you're abusive, but it does strongly suggest that the current care arrangements are untenable, so Social Services' involvement is appropriate.

Of course your mum is mortified, and if she doesn't think anything's wrong, she can explain all that to Social Services and assuming she has the mental capacity to advocate for herself (which it sounds like she certainly does) they will listen to her.

What's your friend supposed to do? You described a situation which sounded seriously concerning. Is he meant to ignore a potential safeguarding issue just because it's you and not a stranger?

It’s abuse because it has an intimidating effect and worrying behaviour for anyone who cares about safeguarding

Your friend was shit as his job, obviously.

No understanding of human emotion, empathy of dealing with parents in this situation, the very very real stress, sadness of it, and well, frankly it's hell to walk in your shoes.

I think throwing some things around is totally understandable in this situation even if it's not the right thing to do - that's so easy to say when not in the thick of it and typing on a keyboard as far removed as possible.. He was a total knob to report you. A good friend would've seen what stress you were under and offered to help you instead.

Feels like this.

Until someone has been caring for others, it's easy to judge. It's tough caring for people @RainbowPeppercorns I'd answer the questions honestly and the same with your mother and very unlikely to go anywhere if not physical harm was done and no history of harm.

I'd be giving your mother and the 'friend' a wide berth. Being 90 doesn't excuse her from yelling at you either.

I'd step back. Let her and social services arrange care and visit as a daughter for a while- not as a carer

What's your friend supposed to do? You described a situation which sounded seriously concerning. Is he meant to ignore a potential safeguarding issue just because it's you and not a stranger?

Help?