Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

The OP also says that her DM has screamed and shouted at her, which is equally abusive.

OP could wash her hands of it all and say she’s not helping anymore as it too much for her and would be well within her right! Give her a break!

she might not be coping. you can mean well and still not be doing the right thing. still if i was concerned i would say something to you unless he is just being spiteful or for some reason feels he is unable to talk to you?

op what help is coming in? it’s not just you and you expecting mum to be able to care too is it?

if you walked into a care home and the staff were screaming and shouting and throwing things regardless of what the residents were doing you wouldn’t think it none of your business would you?

if i’m screaming and shouting and throwing things as the person with the most control in a situation i need to have a think.

It sounds like both you and your mum are, understandably, at breaking point. Your friend had a duty of care to ensure your dad’s safety and well being, but also to ensure you and your mum got adequate support. It may be hard to see now, but that friend is a true friend who clearly cares about you and also your mum and dad.

You threw things around and walked out, your mum shouts and screams, this is obviously difficult for you both. The "friend" has actually done the right thing, hopefully this will lead to your parents being assessed and your dad getting the care and support he obviously needs.

I disagree. A true friend would say she needs support and encourage her to call SS herself to ask for it and explain she needs help. Or he could have phoned them and said his friend needs support as it’s too much for her and there has to be a needs assessment to help her.

He told them she’s been violent towards them which is not the case from what OP has told us.

Yes it is, especially if a person is frail and bed bound and could be caught in 'crossfire'.
Your friend did as what he would have been obliged to do in his former role. The fact that your mum was there to witness this and is "horrified" will most likely mean that the case will be closed. They are obliged to investigate, abuse of the elderly is on the increase.

Of course it's wrong, and horrible for OP to be shouted at when she's trying to help, but it's not 'equally abusive'. OP is carer to two fragile and vulnerable adults, and a social worker or ex social worker who hears of her throwing things around their home in a fit of rage (however provoked) needs to report it.

But he stated she was violent towards them and that’s not what OP has written. Being frustrated and throwing something down isn’t the threshold for being violent. As I say someone throws towels on the floor and walking being described as violent is completely ott

This could be a good thing. You have been your parents carer for many years, and now hopefully they will get extra support and you will be let off some of your caring responsibilities. It could well be that your friend felt that you needed extra Support. You were at the end of your tether caring for a sick father and a vocal opinionated elderly mother s not Easy. Take all the Support you can get.

I think your friend probably did what he felt was right in the circumstances, likely thinking he should err on the side of caution and that it was better to be safe than sorry, but I would also understand if you felt you couldn't continue the friendship.

I hope you, your mum and your dad are as ok as can be hoped for.

What sort of behaviour have you jumped to conclusions about?

I smell bullshit. My profession meant that I worked frequently with social services and I can tell you with 100% confidence that they won’t disclose the reporter in any circumstance. They rely on confidentiality in reporting from the public, professionals, and family members so that fear of retaliation isn’t a deterrent. They are also bound by public interest protections and data protection regulations such as GDPR which also prevents disclosing personal details about the person who contacted them.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so

I think it is actually the 360 opposite of this, isn't it,

She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.
All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.
I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents

Not ideal the shouting but conflicts are normal - HCP were telling is this when Dmum was ill and I dropped everything to do support and was dealing with pain relief and practicalities.

In that case I was one doing the actual support and sibling wanted to be in charge to point he phyically assulted me when I dared disargee with the rubbish he was spouting to HCP there. They said it was common and they'd seen it all before.

Hopefully SS can offer some support - though your parents may need to pay for it and half the argument mums with siblings and HCP prior was not wanting support in house before dad died. Apparently refusing limited support is also very common.

As long as your Dmum agree you were not phyically violent with either of them - but I'd stop having contact with the friend however well meaning they may of not be. At every least he seems to have twisted what you said.

“Throwing stuff” around can be lots of things and I think it kind of makes a bit of a difference what exactly you did. My brother used to rage and throw stuff at the wall, smashing it. To me that is a bit abusive because it always scared me and kind of made me feel like he wanted to batter me. If you just threw whatever was in your hands on the ground, I think that’s different.

Whatever the case is, I think you and your mum are at breaking point and perhaps it’s time to bring in a professional carer if at all possible.

Wow! He is no friend. I would cut him out of your life. It sounds like you’re doing a great job and sometimes things get tense. Caring for elderly, dying parents is incredibly stressful. As a close friend he should know it was a one off and that you’re not being violent to your parents.

He couldn’t cut it as social worker so why is he so compelled now to report it?

If he reported it to social services why did the police get involved, wouldn't ss try and investigate first?

Your friend may have felt obliged to report.

Honestly I would cool things down with him and stop confiding in him for the time being.

That said, I would use this as an opportunity to address what’s been going on and think about a plan going forward to ensure that you don’t end up getting this angry again. It’s horrible looking after elderly relatives, I know from experience, but nothing should ever be so bad that you end up losing your temper this badly and throwing things around. Maybe you need to leave your mum to it and only help when asked/ take a step back? Use this experience as a “near miss”.

This is why people in desperate need aren't getting the help they're supposed to-because they're wasting time like this. When you've actually lost someone who was being battered, and social services didn't intervene, it makes it worse knowing they're wasting time like this.
Your mum was probably working when nearly 200 hundred children were removed from their homes because their parents were falsely accused of abuse-the name Higgs probably still resonates with her, and I don't blame her being terrified by this. Obviously you shouldn't have shouted/thrown things, but it's hard to be a saint dealing with elder care in the UK.
Just like when someone kills another person/themselves when waiting for help from mental health services, and they're clogged up with someone seeking an ADHD diagnosis on a whim (yes, I've known people do this, and no, I'm obviously not saying there aren't people genuinely suffering from ADHD who do need treatment for that).

Yes. It sounds like a difficult and stressful situation all round.

So maybe the friend's report will result in a review of the support they are receiving and actually need.

Deep breath

He did what he did, maybe he had to. Professional ethics etc. You may even get more support because of it

Now you and your mum have a new baseline for your arguments. Both of you have had a shock, adding to your anticipatory grief. You both need to learn that lesson and, with the best will in the world, your perspective, that their relationship wasn't always the best, has to be parked now.

Sounds like your mum will continue to plink her retired Professional Head over the tip of her panic and grief. You might have to be the adult for a while

Best of luck ❤️

Hopefully that will be the case

An ex professional technically has the position of a private citizen and would be legally allowed to make an anonymous report, or to request anonymity if they do disclose their details - in those circumstances the social worker should/would not have disclosed it voluntarily. For that reason I’m a bit sceptical and I certainly think there’s more to this than OP has disclosed.

It’s far more likely that, as you say, OP has sussed out that the friend is the one who has reported, especially if they were one of only a few people outside the family who knew about it.

I think it’s worth pointing out though, that anonymity can’t always be guaranteed. If whatever has been reported is subsequently deemed to be a criminal offence and it’s deemed critical to the proceedings, a judge has the power to issue a court order forcing the informant’s details to be disclosed.

I think the important point you’re missing here is that this man is an ex social worker and a friend. And as a friend, I doubt whether he would report this unless he had serious concerns informed by his professional experience. For that reason I’m on the fence as to whether there is more to this than OP is admitting.

I don’t think this is a waste of social services time at all. Vulnerable elderly folk are involved here - one of whom is so disabled he’s bed bound. Having managed my own elderly mum’s care at home I understand how frustrating and stressful it can be at times, but there is no excuse for losing your temper to the extent that you are throwing things around. It sounds like OP is in need of support and to that end maybe social services involvement is a good thing as they will recognise the stresses involved and it will give OP an opportunity to request a carers assessment for herself, to make sure her needs are taken into account.