Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

If they're still a registered social worker (many people keep up their registration when not in work) it's a grey area. But regardless of that, unless the friend specifically asked for anonymity, if the OP asked who referred they would be told.
Most ex professionals are used to dealing with the fall out of referrals so it's quite possible they didn't ask for anonymity, and it isn't something that people are particularly encouraged to do by those taking the referral unless there's concern about the referrers vulnerability.

So, if your husband got angry and started throwing stuff around, that's not domestic abuse?

What OP has done is abusive. Whether there are other things, or whether this was a one off due excessive carer stress is currently undetermined. If the latter, nothing will happen beyond an offer of support.

I'm surprised SS told you who referred it to be honest.

Your friend was in a really tricky position.

I can totally understand why they did it but also why you may feel you cannot continue the friendship.

Omg what you and your mum have been through is horrific and at a time like this, you do not need this parasitic excuse for a friend to interfere.

Instead, they have betrayed you in the most brutal way, leaving you and your family horrified at an extremly vulnerable time.

Be extremly careful what you tell this loser in future, as they lack the judgement to be of any help to you right now.

I’m not elderly but I am disabled.

having an able bodied person angry at you and throwing things is genuinely terrifying.

i can’t run out of the way, I can’t easily move, I’m a sitting duck for their anger.

obviously we do not know if the op was throwing things at people or near people but if this is what happened it is scary.

yes, being a carer is hard. But if someone isn’t coping to the point of throwing things then that does need to be looked at.

I don't think its fair to be angry at your friend. They reported something that truthfully happened. I think I might also feel obligated to report if someone was under an amount of stress that had ended with them "throwing things around" in front of vulnerable people they are caring for.

I'm not saying it isn't understandable to be pushed to the edge, but everyone has a role in safeguarding.

I think it is probably the police that have disclosed the ‘accuser’ as that is a principal right of the accused.

Regarding contacting the friend if they are a witness and if the police are taking things further this shouldn’t happen…speaking to a witness I mean.

Yep, just ducking or trying to move quickly away could injure someone in their 90s

For those saying the friend shouldn't have reported, or should have tried to intervene and help, or spoken to the OP first, it depends on how worried they were about the level of risk to the parents.
Regardless of how sympathetic one can be to the OP, how hard their position is or what their intentions were, if the friend thought the risk was high they would be failing to safeguard if they delayed reporting to try and fix things themselves. Especially if by the sounds of it, the OP is providing a high level of care (nursing him in bed sounds like it would be multiple times a day?) It would be different if the OP only saw them occasionally and there was more time to consider things.
I'm not suggesting the OP in any way intended to hurt her parents. That doesn't change that they both are extremely vulnerable and could potentially be hurt even if there is no intention from the OP to do so.

What a weird thing for him to do. If you literally admitted to assaulting or abusing them then fair enough, but all you did was throw something in frustration!

Circles of support!
Remember the rules venting an crap can move outwards. But nothing but love and suppprt flows inwsrds.
Your mum as spouse can dump on yoi but you just have yo suck it up and support.shouting and throwing things around a dying man and his 90 year old spouse is not a good look.i am not surprised he reported you!

Cut him out of your life. You lost your temper, you made it up with your mother and we are moving forward together caring for your father. Unless you did something much worse than you outline, I think your ‘friend’ has completely overreacted.

Unlike many on this thread, I have lost my temper, I have apologised and I have moved on. At no point have I assaulted anyone but I have thrown things (not at anyone and involving dirty clothes on a teens floor!!)

Frightening people via aggressive behaviour is assault, though. It's part of the definition.

What would you think of an ex-social worker who didn't report an assault on a vulnerable person?

They probably didn't want to be in that situation, but how could they have ignored it?

I was thinking the same.
Maybe op should look a little closer to home.

I take your point, but in this case, the op presented it as a one off explosive row. which I could understand under the circumstances.

Were you violent to your parents?

The social worker mate is probably not keen on Op anymore either.

A lesson to never trust male friends they will throw you under the bus in a second. I don't think throwing something around the room and not at the parent is abusive if it happened one time. It would be different if you were throwing things at them

Your friend is a complete do-gooder, an attention starved and irrelevant jerk, a lying manipulator and a narc. Friends are for trusting, not tattling.

I cared for my mother when she simultaneously had cancer and dementia. I still shudder when I think back to that time in my life. My siblings helped, but both had other things going on (recent childbirth / working abroad). I'd also just been made redundant so I was very low.

I decided I was never going to lose my rag or punish my mum (even in my own head) at any point, as the old/lucid her would have been horrified at what happened to her. She always joked we were to push her off a cliff if she ever lost her marbles, as she put it.

It's a shame, op, that you threw things around as it must have been so scary for your parents but I do understand the stress and depression that caring causes.

I'm sorry your friend didn't feel able to approach you first and just went straight to the authorities, causing everyone a lot more aggro.

The only one who remotely sounds dangerous is op throwing things around in anger. This is not what people normally do especially not around children or the elderly. This could have felt very threatening to OP's parents.

I’m sorry you have been let down by a friend, but it might have a sliver lining of getting you more help with your Mum and Dad. If you’ve had a big row once it could happen again, the pressure can be a lot. I understand why your friend made the referral, your Dad is really the vulnerable one and needs a calm, stable environment. It hurts when a friend betrays a confidence, its a tough one if he has seen things go from bad to worse in his job though, he has probably seen terrible situations arise from what seemed normal at first and has a different perspective.

If i was in your situation , i would NOT forgive them and block them . He must know that you were under tremendous stress and at your wit's end! Maybe if he mentioned if you carry on with your attitude he would report you to authorities!! i could accept but to "grass you in " is UNFORGIVABLE creating MORE stress & conflict with your mum HOPE you relationship with your mum get's strong and face the future WITHOUT friends like him!!!

Everyone needs to stop piling on to the op.

She has stated this was a one off incident. It’s obvious from the replies that many posting on here have zero idea the strain caring for elderly and unwell parents places on a carer’s wellbeing. Paid carers get training, a weekly wage, holiday leave, sick pay etc. Caring for a parent is non-stop stress, there is little to no support for family carers and sometimes….just sometimes we crack. That’s not an excuse for any kind of abuse but it’s fairly obvious from the op that she is not abusing her parents.

Op, you may find more helpful replies if you have this moved over to the elderly parents board.

I'm genuinely shocked by the number of posters who believe that reporting concerns about abuse is "grassing" or that potential abuse should be ignored if the person is under enough stress.

Yes, it's understandable the op was under stress. People do things that aren't ideal sometimes. It almost certainly won't be taken forwards.

But none of that means it shouldn't have been reported.

I honestly think anyone who wouldn't report potential abuse if it was from a friend lacks integrity.

Literally there is no pile on, most posters are saying no big deal, sack the mate off, some think the mate did the right thing. A mix of opinions.