Friend reported me to Social Services

[RainbowPeppercorns]

I have been a carer to my elderly parents for many years now. They are both in their early nineties and Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal condition that means he probably doesn't have long.

Until a few weeks back he was in a care home whilst we made adaptations to their home with some assistance from Occupational Therapy.

He is now back home. We are nursing him in bed as he can't really get up.

It has been such a difficult time. Unfortunately there have been some clashes with my mother over his care. She used to be a GP and has always been very vocal and forthright. They also didn't have a particularly easy marriage. There has been verbal conflict and I ended up throwing stuff around and walking out.

All OK now, apologies etc. She still believes she did nothing wrong by shouting and screaming at me over a tiny thing but I understand as we are both suffering anticipatory grief.

I've been confiding in and leaning on a friend of many years. He was a social worker but had a nervous breakdown and left the profession. Unfortunately he has rang Social Services and told them I have been violent towards my parents.

The police have been to take a statement and my Mum is totally horrified and insisting she doesn't want me prosecuted. Adult Protective Services are investigating.

The case worker told me who reported me. Apparently they are legally obligated to do so.

I haven't spoken with friend yet but I feel really let down.

Yep. That’s the definition of assault - an act that intentionally or recklessly causes another person to fear immediate, harm or unlawful violence.

Sorry to hear this, OP. It does sound like you and your mum need support so maybe what this reporting will do is get you that. Throwing stuff around, whilst not at someone, it contributed to a tense/negative environment and can be considered abusive behaviour. It doesn’t make you a bad person but I think it shows you’re under a great deal of stress and you deserve support - you’re going through a very stressful and difficult time. Your mum needs support too. Hugs OP 🤗

Depends if he was angry at you or angry at something else in his life. That can make a difference to how intimidating it feels in the moment. If it’s anger at you, the throwing and banging stuff is you by proxy. That’s what makes it scary. At any point they can switch to you. It’s not fun when it’s anger about something/someone else either but it’s less intense somehow. I speak from experience.

He said this, but he wasn't there. The OP's mum was there so presumably will tell SS that she wasn't violent at all. I was in safeguarding training last week and according to definitions, throwing stuff around a room is probably considered violence. The thresholds are lower when a person has increased vulnerability.

This would be the sensible approach - and as a social worker, he should have known that you should always tell someone (if possible) if you are going to make a safeguarding referral. Being contacted out of the blue, can often make things worse

There are some people 😬 but that’s not the topic of this thread!

Age isn't the whole measure of being vulnerable. From what I can understand the mum has never had an issue in being a strong woman and she was shouting at the OP.

Is she automatically the victim because of her age?

"Unless ive missed something OP lost her temper and threw stuff around, not threw stuff at her mum. How is that abusive?"

If a poster says her partner or husband is throwing objects around in a temper people will say if "someone shows who they are believe them" or "it might be you or the kids next"...

Not unless it makes a person feel fear.

But that's at least partly for the person who's allegedly being assaulted to make that decision isn't it? Were they intimidated or frightened? Did the guy ask them how it made them feel before reporting OP?

In the UK, retired social workers have no more legal duty of care requirement than any other citizen. They may have "run off" responsibility for clients they worked with while they were still practicing. They may still have aspects of duty of care if they have remained on the register and kept up their CPA after ceasing to be employed.

I could not trust this man or consider him a friend.

Retired NHS Occupational Therapist who worked closely with Social Services.

It really depends on- when we are knee deep in horrible circumstances it becomes our normal and a step downwards that gets fixed is seen as a glitch wheras(and I hate saying this), how does he really know that he won’t see a news report of how you lost it and went a step further? The world must be full of people who woke to a news report and thought ‘I could have done something’. I’m so sorry you’re going through this though

Yes, he did. However he should also have told her before she started to confide that if he was concerned he would have to report it! It’s a standard statement used by anyone who suspects there maybe abuse!

OP I think you need to own your part in this. You knew your friend was a retired social worker. Surely you knew there was a limit to what you should sensibly share with him without putting yourselves both in a sticky situation. Tbh I think your friend should have interrupted you to let you know that what you were sharing was bordering on reportable. Maybe it all happened too fast or maybe he reflected only later on the info you shared, or took advice from a third party.

The focus has to now be your poorly dad and I would avoid said friend and remove the possibility of any more disagreement/conflict as you don’t have the bandwidth to deal with it now.

Hmmm, 7 pages in and OP hasn't come back since 11...

Yes. I would consider anyone who had needed a carer for many years, to be vulnerable - even a cantankerous arguementative parent. You don't suddenly stop being vulnerable because you pick a fight. I'm not saying that OP was abusive, but I don't think her friend behaved unreasonably either by raising concerns. Rows happen of course, but OP also said things were thrown, and depending on what these were, maybe that gave cause for concern.

He did. He’s protected two very vulnerable elderly people, one of whom is dying. The fact that OP has lost it to the point of throwing things around is an indication that she needs support. Social services will organise a carers assessment for her to assess her needs in that role. OP is saving the state a lot of money by acting as a carer for her dad - they will have that in mind so support will be the intention. I have doubts that OP is telling us the entire truth, given that the police are investigating.

Not automatically no but OP hasn’t mentioned whether this episode happened in front of her dad, who may very well have been scared as a result. And I think it’s fair to say that if OP suddenly starting flinging things around the room in temper her mum would have felt some level of fear.

There are a couple of things I find really concerning. One is why the police are investigating - that suggests something more serious than OP has detailed here. And the other is the story that the social worker told her who had reported her. The reporter would have been protected by GDPR and I simply don’t believe that the social worker would have just blurted it out.

I'm only interested in being friends with people who know (and appreciate) how to make really good cocktails.

The only advice I can give is maybe avoid social worker types in future.

now this is a rule I can adopt.....

Theres no automatic anonymity when referring to social services. The referrer has to specify it, and there should be a discussion with the referer about the implications. Which can include that the referral may be less effective, eg if the subject assumes it's malicious and denies it, or that by what's shared, the subject will easily be able to guess who shared it.
If the referrer had said that they're happy for their name to be on the referral, then social services would be able to confirm that to the OP. Its usual to discuss the source of a referral in the context of credibility, unless as mentioned above, the referrer is a member of the public who has requested anonymity.

We do t know that the friend didn't say that first. Or didn't offer support. The friend may well have raised concerns with the OP who either dismissed them or declined help. We don't know, the OP doesn't say. What we do know is that the OP has shouted, screamed and thrown stuff, in the home where her bed bound father is living.

That IS abuse and if OP either minimised it, dismissed it or refused support, then to protect the elderly vulnerable person, SS needed to be called.

I very much doubt the friend said oh right, fair enough, then immediately called social services.

What a load of rubbish, a stituation like this can drive people to behaviour which is out of character.
OP chucked a few things around.

I don’t think I could ever forgive him. In the best case scenario, if he felt you needed help, then he could say that. At the very least he should have let you know.

Unless there is a massive drip feed to come?

I agree that you can't really talk to that friend any more. He doesn't have your back enough to be the friend you need.

But I also think you need to find a way to deal with stress and anger better.

Throwing things around is not okay. I know you were stressed. I know your mother's shouting was itself abusive. But that response was not okay. You need to find a way to walk out before you get to that point, not after. Ideally a way to let things wash off you so you don't get to that point, but with the emotions involved in a situation like this that's very hard.