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Original poster

Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

273 replies

Weirdin · 09/10/2026 21:16

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

OP posts:
ThatOldWomanNextDoor · 10/10/2026 14:03

SpryCat · 10/10/2026 13:18

@Weirdin needs to tell ex she has found out she is pregnant and discuss it with him. Her children will survive with another sibling, her ex treats her three year old well and that might be the only father figure he has! Op and ex have always coparented fantastically so I can’t see the big problem!

Edited

'survive another sibling'- how are you so certain? Surviving is 'getting by' - not being happy.

You can't see a problem?

RageBates · 10/10/2026 14:04

Weirdin · 10/10/2026 12:25

Im not putting myself first though and I dont really understand why thats what people are taking from this. And im not being manipulative by wanting to tell him either. Im not telling him in the hope he’ll suddenly want to get back with me, I genuinely dont know what he wants or how he feels about any of it.

If I had an abortion without telling him I honestly dont know how I’d be able to carry on seeing him and acting like everything was normal. Id feel guilty knowing id kept something that big from him, especially given how close we are. I know ultimately its my decision but abortion isnt some easy thing you just do and then forget about, at least not for everyone. Im trying to work out how I feel about the whole situation and I dont think thats unreasonable.

People have always found our friendship odd because we stayed close after splitting up, but thats just how its been for years. That night ds was away with his friends and his dad came round because he’d forgotten ds wasnt here. He was like well its a waste of time going all the way home now so he went to the shop and got some wine.

We ended up talking for absolutely ages about everything. It did feel a bit flirty if im honest but I wasnt sat there planning for anything to happen. We werent drunk, more tipsy than anything, and we both knew what we were doing but it just happened.

Thats why im so confused. Im not saying sleeping together means we should get back together or that a baby would make that happen. Im saying something has changed for me and I dont know if its changed for him too. I need to actually speak to him rather than keep guessing what he’s thinking.

OP I'm not surprised you're confused.
He's given very mixed signals...if your friendship has been solely around co-parenting, I can see why it felt confusing that he suggested socialising anyway and even went to get wine.

Regardless of the pregnancy, I think you need to be really brave and broach and the sibject of what the hell that was about...as it sounds like it's him that instigated it more, by saying how there was no point making a wasted journey.

Although maybe he's been waiting to get you alone for a long while and he got lucky!

I'm not surprised you're confused.
When someone is hot and cold, plus you've had a previously abusive relationship, it really messes your thoughts up when you end up in situations that you later regret.

Although...do you regret it??
How are you actually feeling about him?
Do you fancy him/love him?

ThatOldWomanNextDoor · 10/10/2026 14:05

YankSplaining · 10/10/2026 14:02

That’s Mumsnet for you. Unplanned pregnancy? Unusual age gap between children? Older child would have to quit his fancy traveling football team? Pregnancy would interfere with an upcoming scheduled holiday? Older siblings will have to share a bedroom? Any kind of complication, social awkwardness, or change in finances? Clearly, an abortion is the best decision if OP is “thinking with her head” and “making the best choice for her family.”

I think it’s sick, really.

Show quote history

Except none of the examples you posted have any relevance to the OP, have they?
You've created something fictitious to try to justify your opinion.

cabus · 10/10/2026 14:08

A sensible talk's needed, then you go from there. Don't understand why so many posters think they know what's best for you OP. Good luck. x

YankSplaining · 10/10/2026 14:10

ThatOldWomanNextDoor · 10/10/2026 14:05

Except none of the examples you posted have any relevance to the OP, have they?
You've created something fictitious to try to justify your opinion.

Show quote history

I didn’t create anything fictitious. Those are all examples from threads I’ve seen here over the years. As I said, if the pregnancy has created any kind of complication, social awkwardness, or change in finances, people will tell an OP to have an abortion.

YankSplaining · 10/10/2026 14:13

cabus · 10/10/2026 14:08

A sensible talk's needed, then you go from there. Don't understand why so many posters think they know what's best for you OP. Good luck. x

I second this. No one here is involved in the situation, no one here knows OP better than she knows herself, and no one here is going to live with the outcome of whatever decision she makes.

StealthFrog · 10/10/2026 14:18

Sounds like he just wanted to get his dick wet TBH. 'Forgot' his son wasn't in, would have had to go home at some point anyway yet decided to get wine, was flirty, and now pretending like nothing ever happened.

ThatOldWomanNextDoor · 10/10/2026 14:23

YankSplaining · 10/10/2026 14:10

I didn’t create anything fictitious. Those are all examples from threads I’ve seen here over the years. As I said, if the pregnancy has created any kind of complication, social awkwardness, or change in finances, people will tell an OP to have an abortion.

Show quote history

So you say.🤔
But hardly the point here.
It's doing the OP a disservice to compare her with the supposedly minor reasons to have a termination.

Catarinabella · 10/10/2026 14:24

Think about what is best for your 2 sons. I very much doubt that if you do go ahead with the pregnancy that it will not enhance either of their lives in any positive way.

malefields · 10/10/2026 14:34

YankSplaining · 10/10/2026 14:10

I didn’t create anything fictitious. Those are all examples from threads I’ve seen here over the years. As I said, if the pregnancy has created any kind of complication, social awkwardness, or change in finances, people will tell an OP to have an abortion.

Show quote history

No one’s telling OP what to do, they’re saying what they would do in her shoes. For me, no way in hell I’d want to be coping with a teen at 50.

It’s not unreasonable to consider the wider implications of having another child, fortunately as a society we’re moving on from thinking having a bunch of children that we can’t really cater to is just a normal thing to be shrugged off. There’s many options to be considered and ultimately OP can choose what she feels is best for her.

Swanfeet · 10/10/2026 14:35

Weirdin · 09/10/2026 21:16

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

I think sometimes the universe gives you a shove in the right direction. Maybe you two are meant to be together, maybe you’re not but it definitely sounds like you parent well together.

elperil · 10/10/2026 14:37

YankSplaining · 10/10/2026 14:13

I second this. No one here is involved in the situation, no one here knows OP better than she knows herself, and no one here is going to live with the outcome of whatever decision she makes.

Show quote history

Then there's no point in her asking us here is there?

ForeverTheOptomist · 10/10/2026 14:53

ThatOldWomanNextDoor · 10/10/2026 13:09

It's clear you didn't know what was involved.

It's a stronger version of the morning after pill which causes a heavy period. I have a close friend who did this. You take tablets and it makes the womb lining break down and come away.

There will be a full description online if you want to know more.

Show quote history

Thank you very much, I have no need or wish to know, but was merely playing on the word 'procedure' (as you said that it 'wasn't always a procedure').

Perhaps a little too subtle.

CrazyMidget · 10/10/2026 14:54

m00ngirl · 09/10/2026 21:21

Congratulations! He sounds lovely. Only you know when the right time to tell him is but it sounds like you might organically find your way back to each other… and if not, your trust that he’ll still be a good dad is wonderful. How lovely that your boys will have another sibling. What a nice story! Congrats ❤️

I echo this post. I think everything will work out just fine for you, OP, whatever happens with the dad. At the very least, you know your baby will have a great father. Congratulations!

ForeverTheOptomist · 10/10/2026 14:57

user1476613140 · 10/10/2026 11:01

I agree, there's no need for strangers to apologise. It won't improve OP's life situation.

Show quote history

It's kind of polite?

So if you ran over a strangers foot in the supermarket, would you not say sorry?

ForeverTheOptomist · 10/10/2026 15:00

GCAcademic · 10/10/2026 11:14

It looks like the posts pointing out the OP’s prioritisation of her own wants are getting deleted. Apparently we’re all supposed to coo in delight at kids being fucked up by adults who put themselves first.

I've only noticed yours and @ThatOldWomanNextDoor's posts being deleted by MN. Are there others?

OneHazelBird · 10/10/2026 15:01

If you need his emotional support then tell him but otherwise it would be very unfair to him and I think it could jeopardise your good relationship.

He’s very likely not going to want another baby when his now turning into an independent adult.

So he’ll likely back off from you as he’d be worried about you getting the wrong idea and wanting to keep it.

He may also think you want to keep it so he can help raise the other one too.

Do not tell him right now.
Focus on whether you want a baby when you’ve already got a young child.
Then when you’ve made your final decision, you can decide whether to tell him or not.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/10/2026 15:09

OP you are mixing up several things.

  1. Potentially starting a relationship with him without a baby
  2. Potentially having a relationship with him with a baby
  3. Potentially having a baby without being with him
  4. Potentially not having a baby and not being with him

I think you want number 2 but you have to know that starting a new romantic relationship at the same time as having a pregnancy and newborn baby to deal with is so much more complicated and also much less likely to be successful.

If you just want to get back with him, I would do it without the baby in the mix. If you just want to have the baby, I would do it without him in the mix. Anything else is too complicated and too difficult.

OneHazelBird · 10/10/2026 15:16

WallaceinAnderland · 10/10/2026 15:09

OP you are mixing up several things.

  1. Potentially starting a relationship with him without a baby
  2. Potentially having a relationship with him with a baby
  3. Potentially having a baby without being with him
  4. Potentially not having a baby and not being with him

I think you want number 2 but you have to know that starting a new romantic relationship at the same time as having a pregnancy and newborn baby to deal with is so much more complicated and also much less likely to be successful.

If you just want to get back with him, I would do it without the baby in the mix. If you just want to have the baby, I would do it without him in the mix. Anything else is too complicated and too difficult.

Edited

I agree but I think the main reason she wants the baby is because she thinks he’ll have to stick around and help her with the other child too.
It’s security.

I think if they wanted to be together they would have been together long before now.

There was a reason they separated and didn’t get back together.

I also wonder if he would be reluctant to get back together considering she has a young child and so OP is hoping he’ll change his mind now that she’s pregnant.

user1476613140 · 10/10/2026 15:34

ForeverTheOptomist · 10/10/2026 14:57

It's kind of polite?

So if you ran over a strangers foot in the supermarket, would you not say sorry?

Show quote history

Yes if you've done something wrong fair enough! But not in this context on a thread.

toiletpaperthief · 10/10/2026 15:51

Personally I think the whole thing is madness because you're imposng a child to someone who never sad he wanted one. Do you want to have this baby? can you take care of him financially and logistics wise? If he's a gd friend and a safe person to talk to i may give him a call and tell him: "hey Joe, a little accident ocurred and I'm not sure what to do". See what he has to say. If he as a random guy or a one night stand I would not let him know if i decide to have an abortion.

Original poster
Weirdin · 10/10/2026 15:58

No im not expecting him to suddenly take care of my youngest just because im pregnant. If we dont get back together then obviously he doesnt have to, ive never expected that from him in 3 years. But he is involved in his life because he wants to be. He buys him things for birthdays and Christmas and has had him for me when ive had appointments or things I couldnt take him to. He’s always been good to him and I do think thats lovely but ive never expected him to act as his dad.

I still dont feel like I could have an abortion without him ever knowing. I know people disagree with that and ultimately its my decision but I dont think I could just carry on seeing him all the time and never tell him. It would feel like a massive secret between us and I dont know how id deal with that.

As for ds1, I honestly dont think he’d care about having another sibling. He’s 17, in his first year of an apprenticeship and spends loads of time with his mates. Someone said their son would never forgive them in this situation but thats how HER son would feel, not every teenager is the same. Never forgive you is a bit dramatic tbh. I know my own son and I really dont think he’d react like that.

Ds2 would probably be happy to have a new sibling. He’s always wanting ds1 to spend time with him but obviously with the age gap ds1 has his own life and it doesnt happen as much as he’d like. I dont think he’d automatically feel pushed out either, and I dont understand why someone is acting like the fact he doesn’t know his bio dad somehow means he has no stability? If anything id say the opposite.

Im not saying having a baby would be easy or that nobody else would have feelings about it. I know it would change things for everyone. But people seem to have decided im going to ruin both my childrens lives before ive even spoken to to my ex or worked out what I want to do myself.

OP posts:
Voltorb · 10/10/2026 16:07

No im not expecting him to suddenly take care of my youngest just because im pregnant. If we dont get back together then obviously he doesnt have to,

If you don't get back together? There is no indication he wants a relationship or that he's even remotely thought about doing so in the past 7 years.

I suspect you're reading into his kindness with your past situation and see him as some sort of knight in shining armour hoping this makes him come back to you. It's not going to change his feelings towards you, you must see that?

Tink3rbell30 · 10/10/2026 16:12

Why would you not use proper contraception or take the morning after pill at least?

Highlighta · 10/10/2026 16:14

It sounds like you have the perfect scenario set up in your head OP.

I really hope it works out this way for you.

But, there is a very good change ex is not going to take this well and as you think,and you need to be prepared for that too.

From his pov... he will be going from having one son (and helping out at times with his sons brother) to if you gets back with you, to having then three children. That is a lot for anyone to digest really.

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