Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

All sounds so messy OP. I would not want to bring another child into the family, and I'd be very cautious taking the relationship with the ex past friendship. Focus on the two children you have.

i prefer the 10%

How are they taken? What's the procedure?

Im not putting myself first though and I dont really understand why thats what people are taking from this. And im not being manipulative by wanting to tell him either. Im not telling him in the hope he’ll suddenly want to get back with me, I genuinely dont know what he wants or how he feels about any of it.

If I had an abortion without telling him I honestly dont know how I’d be able to carry on seeing him and acting like everything was normal. Id feel guilty knowing id kept something that big from him, especially given how close we are. I know ultimately its my decision but abortion isnt some easy thing you just do and then forget about, at least not for everyone. Im trying to work out how I feel about the whole situation and I dont think thats unreasonable.

People have always found our friendship odd because we stayed close after splitting up, but thats just how its been for years. That night ds was away with his friends and his dad came round because he’d forgotten ds wasnt here. He was like well its a waste of time going all the way home now so he went to the shop and got some wine.

We ended up talking for absolutely ages about everything. It did feel a bit flirty if im honest but I wasnt sat there planning for anything to happen. We werent drunk, more tipsy than anything, and we both knew what we were doing but it just happened.

Thats why im so confused. Im not saying sleeping together means we should get back together or that a baby would make that happen. Im saying something has changed for me and I dont know if its changed for him too. I need to actually speak to him rather than keep guessing what he’s thinking.

Hope you get the outcome you want x

there's actually services in the UK to get it for free, or very cheap. You can get like 2 delivered discretely for under £10. I always keep 1 in my cupboard just in case.

You swallow some tablets, then I think it's 24 hours later insert some into your cervix or keep in your mouth for a while to absorb into your blood stream. Then the cramping starts and it's over in a few hours.

Genuine question

why the shock at a pregnancy when you've had unprotected sex?

its not going to be a shock to him either

one or both of you must have wanted this deep down??

You definitely need to speak to him! It's an awkward conversation but as you say he's someone you trust and care about and he's been there for you for a long time. Fingers crossed for you x

Your eldest sons dad sounds a good and responsible man , and one you can discuss things calmly with . Good luck whatever you both decide x

I'm not sure that its so clear cup. Or that the three year old would definitely feel left out. His older brother is almost an adult. He will probably be 18 by the time the baby is born and may have left home.
The three year old will be much closer in age to the baby and will probably grow up closer to him/her than to his older brother. OP said how will the middle one feel if the other two are spending weekends with their dad, given the eldest's age I doubt that will be an issue.
OP for the moment forget about rekindling your relationship think about whether you want and can cope with another baby, how will it affect your life and how will it affect your children. Be realistic and think about whether it's what you want. Then take it from there. If you decide to terminate I wouldn't tell your ex because what would be the point?
But regardless of the pregnancy park the idea of the relationship for now and see how things develop.

Eh?
I think it's more likely one or the other didn't even give it a thought!

I certainly wouldn't describe this man as "responsible."

It's clear you didn't know what was involved.

It's a stronger version of the morning after pill which causes a heavy period. I have a close friend who did this. You take tablets and it makes the womb lining break down and come away.

There will be a full description online if you want to know more.

Could you get your son’s opinion on how he would feel about getting a new sibling? he is part of the outcome.

I would keep the baby with no expectations of getting back with ex, as I would be worried we would be getting together because of my pregnancy. You know he is a great dad and has always been there for you all.
I don’t understand how so many people are saying to terminate the pregnancy, yes it’s our bodies but come on it’s a baby who deserves to live!

You are still writing about this as if it was something romantic and out of your control.

Did neither of you stop and think or him say 'Hang on- I've not got a condom and I've not asked her if she was on the Pill.'

There is actually a lot of time between chatting for hours, drinking, then taking your clothes off and having sex.

I'd say you ARE putting yourself first because this post is all about you and him, not the impact on your 17 year old who will be in the middle of all of this and your toddler who will never know his bio father.

You're focused on your 'relationship' with this man and nowhere at all are you thinking about the impact on your sons.

But you have no idea how this man might feel about another child. He's done the right thing by his 17 year old but that doesn't mean he will do the same again.

Babies deserve to be born into a home that is stable, where parents are together and want a baby.

No 'baby' deserves to be the result of a mistake and born into a home or a relationship that is not stable.

@Weirdin needs to tell ex she has found out she is pregnant and discuss it with him. Her children will survive with another sibling, her ex treats her three year old well and that might be the only father figure he has! Op and ex have always coparented fantastically so I can’t see the big problem!

Its really weird how many people on this thread have commented so flippantly that she should have a termination. Never in the OPs original post did she say she didn't know if she wanted the baby just concerned how her relationship might be affected.

I don't have any advice to give, just a virtual hug. My youngest was 9 when I found out I was accidentally pregnant last year, all the same dad but it destroyed our marriage. She's 6months now and despite everything I'm so glad we have her. Things work out the way they are supposed to, dont over think it, what will be, will be xx

Yes. Hope it goes well OP (you speaking to him and telling him what you've said here) xx

Agree … don’t think this poster is quite living in reality.

I'd think about your life before all this happened, and how things would be in that life with another child. Leave the ex no1 out of it for now and think about how it would look both with him and without him, but with another child, and also how your current kids would feel.

Me? I wouldn't say a word, have a termination and move on, never to sleep with ex no1 again. Strictly parenting. You split up for a reason, that won't change.

I agree with pp, kindly said.... you need counselling and cast iron contraception. ASAP. I don't think you have thought this through at all. Your current kids come first. Think of them would be my view.

That’s Mumsnet for you. Unplanned pregnancy? Unusual age gap between children? Older child would have to quit his fancy traveling football team? Pregnancy would interfere with an upcoming scheduled holiday? Older siblings will have to share a bedroom? Any kind of complication, social awkwardness, or change in finances? Clearly, an abortion is the best decision if OP is “thinking with her head” and “making the best choice for her family.”

I think it’s sick, really.