Ive just found out im pregnant by my eldest’s dad and I dont know what to do

[Weirdin]

I honestly dont know what to do with this and feel a bit stupid even typing it out. ive got 2 boys, 17 and 3, different dads, and ive just found out im pregnant again.

Me and my eldest’s dad split up when our son was 10. We just werent working as a couple anymore but we’ve always got on really well since. He’s a brilliant dad and we’ve never had the sort of messy breakup where you hate each other and argue over everything. We still help each other out and speak most days.

My youngest’s dad was abusive and that relationship was a whole different thing. It’s over now but it was a horrible time and my eldest’s dad honestly helped me so much through it. He’d have my eldest extra, bring shopping round, help me sort things out when I was struggling. He never made me feel like I owed him anything for it either. I know some people think our relationship is weird but we’ve always just been close.

Anyway my eldest had been away and his dad came round. We had a couple of drinks and ended up sat talking for hours like we used to. One thing led to another and we slept together. It wasnt planned and we havent really spoken about it properly since. We’ve both been acting fairly normal but I feel like there’s this massive thing sitting between us now.

I did a test yesterday because my period was late and its positive. Ive done another one this morning and thats positive too. I actually feel sick thinking about telling him. I know he’s a good dad and wouldnt abandon a child but I have no idea what he’d think about having another baby with me after all this time.

The thing is I dont even know how I feel about him now. I thought we were just friends and I definitely wasnt planning on getting pregnant again. But part of me keeps thinking about whether we could have worked if we’d tried again years ago. Then I feel daft because we’ve both had other relationships and we’ve been apart for ages.

I havent told anyone yet, not even him. I dont want to mess up the friendship we’ve got because he’s been one of the few people I can properly rely on. But I cant exactly keep this to myself for long.

Would you tell him straight away? And am I being ridiculous for wondering if this could turn into something more, or am I getting ahead of myself completely?

Early terminations are by tablets at home. It's not always a 'procedure'.

I'd say almost 90% of the posts here are saying that.
Did you not read any of those?
Did you not read hers? THAT is what she herself says in so many words.

Imagine the head fuck this will be for your eldest child.

If you are harbouring secret desires to get back in a relationship with this man and that were to happen, how would your eldest son feel about that? If he is now 17, he will possibly be leaving for university next year. He will then face the situation of having been forced to live apart from his father half the time, but sees a new baby bringing both his parents back together in one nuclear family. That could be hard.

And to the poster who said that she had a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant, I think your maths may be a bit skew!

I agree, there's no need for strangers to apologise. It won't improve OP's life situation.

A mature response to this would be..

"I made a dreadful error with this. As did this man. We were stupid.
Bad enough having sex with my ex and confusing the good friendship we've created. But to become pregnant was really stupid. I already have 2 children with 2 fathers and 2 broken relationships.

It's not fair on my children to have another child in the family who will take all my time and energy, taking into account the age gap between the eldest and the toddler as well. It's not fair on them or this man (my ex.)
Yes, he's equally to blame but only I can change the situation as I'm the one who is pregnant.

No matter how much I have a fantasy about starting again with that ex, it's not practical and that ship has sailed. We've had years to get back together. This would be the very worst possible circumstances . If we couldn't hack the stress of Covid and lockdown, how worse it would be with a new baby, a 17 year old and a 3 year old toddler."

@ForeverTheOptomist Why take the risk as a fertile woman and fail to use any type of contraception? She'd had children before, so of course there was the likelihood of absolutely getting pregnant.
Not all on her, of course; as much the man's fault.
Unprotected sex can cause pregnancy in a fertile woman!

Hmmm. You feel that sleeping together has changed things between you, but the two of you haven't talked about that at all. You definitely need to talk to him and you could consider exploring whether he wants to get back together, without telling him about the pregnancy. Personally I think I'd want to know what he'd say if there wasn't an unplanned pregnancy to worry about.

I don't agree with all the pearl-clutching about people suggesting an abortion, it is a perfectly reasonable option to seriously consider, and while difficult for many women (not all) it certainly wouldn't have the same long-term impact on everyone involved as a baby would. An abortion is not something to be taken lightly but continuing the pregnancy isn't either!

With an oldest child age 17 there is no way on earth I'd be starting again (even without the added complication of being pregnant by the father of the oldest after many years' separation). But the OP might feel differently. Certainly with a 3 year old you are still in the small child era, you're just prolonging it by having another.

I think given the circumstances, it's very easy to see how you got caught up in the moment.
This isn't a ONS with a stranger, this was a physical reconnection with someone you know and trust.

Please update as I'd love to know what happens.
Wishing you luck and I hope the pregnancy isn't make you feel too rough!

@RageBates I'd have been considering the needs and impact upon my children first and foremost.

Presumably no contraceptive was used so this news won’t exactly come as a surprise to him, will it?!

Strangers on MN can’t predict the future, OP. That’s for you and this man to decide.

It looks like the posts pointing out the OP’s prioritisation of her own wants are getting deleted. Apparently we’re all supposed to coo in delight at kids being fucked up by adults who put themselves first.

I think you need to tell him as soon as possible and it sounds like he will be a tower of strength to help you work out what you want together. In this instance, it sounds like a joint decision for sure.

Sounds like this will fuck up the good thing you have as co-parents. I’d abort. And tell him you’re going to

You're obviously shocked about this situation @Weirdin and I think you're also doing the right thing in considering it from all angles. From what you've told us about your relationship and how supportive he's been for you, it doesn't seem like he'll be anything but supportive in helping you to come to a resolution that works out for your and your DCs' best interests. It's going to be as much of a shock to him as it's been to you, and quite possibly he's also trying to work out how your relationship has changed since he's slept with you (even without knowing about the pregnancy). If I were you, I'd probably be having the conversation with him about the entire predicament, teasing out what will be the best outcome for everyone, rather than you deciding on your own whether to keep the baby or not before talking with him.

In your shoes I would

1. put a feeler out to him about whether he’s consider thinking about dating each other again /possibly getting back together . You could give him multiple choices a) I’d be really keen to explore this b) I’m not sure - maybe or c) absolutely not. Perhaps even text that to him?! I’d want to know where his head is at before all the racing thoughts about the pregnancy start.
2. after you’ve established that, decide what you want to do about the baby knowing that you may be A single mum anyway. Perhaps invite him over or go out for a walk or something and then tell him. I wouldn’t keep it to myself for too long but I’d make a deicision first. And that decision would be based on strong possibility of doing it while single. At least you know you can coparent well with him.
3. only tell your kids after the 12 week scan.

I think it is very manipulative of you to tell him OP. You clearly now want him back. But really, you have a 17 year old son and a 3 year old son by 2 different dads, one of whom no longer sees his son. I have a 19 year old son - if I told him I was pregnant again by his dad after we had split, I’m not sure he would forgive me.

With all due respect, you have 2 sons to consider. You are not in a mills and boon novel. The time for indulgence and romance was 18 years ago, before you had children dependent on your good judgment.

Decide what is best for your 2 sons, who are in your life, and stop day dreaming. By all means tell him if you decide to keep the baby - but make this decision based on your life as it is, not your imaginary life.

I would certainly want to know the news as a possible new dad to another child as soon as possible. Best wishes to both of you.

My guess is that OP sees this as - unplanned sex- unplanned child - hope my ex will come back - live happily ever after.

But the man may be thinking - unplanned sex - hope to God she's not pregnant- not sure where we stand now and feel uncomfortable about what happened - don't want to get back together.

Sorry but I'm a bit confused. What is it that you are referring to that I've said? I of course am aware that unprotected sex can cause pregnancy, etc.

Seriously confused.

This is such a perfectionist stance.

Children can cope with realising their parents are humans that also make mistakes and poor decisions occasionally... and that resilience is built by problem-solving and overcoming the curve balls that life gives us.

Of course your 19yr old would be entitled to their feelings, but they are also THEIRS to process.

A new baby coming along isn't always plain sailing...but things can be managed and learnt to be accepted/welcomed and enjoyed.

In these type of threads I am always astonished at the number of people who seem to just be passengers in their own lives.