The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Night Winter 😘😘😘

Yeah, it just seems a bit negative, doesn't it? I mean, I understand their frustration. But that kind of venting is probably best saved for conversations with friends, or for threads like this!

Speaking of which, I messaged Mr College and said I wasn't interested in getting involved, as the situation sounds shit for his wife (I didn't quite put it like that - a more polite version). And he has replied with a really long message trying to persuade me to meet him.....

The bin is calling. Loudly!

I think he is living in a fantasy world if he thinks he will find women biting his hand off to be his secret side chick.......

I am just going to vent a bit about something else too, which I could never say in real life. My BFF is lovely and like a sister to me - I do love her - but she really struggles with her mental health at times and goes through cycles where she cuts everyone off for a bit, including me. Until she hits rock bottom, and then she reaches out and needs lots of support. I am used to it, it's fine.

But she has been more or less ignoring me for a few weeks now - I knew she wasn't well and tried to reach out, but there wasn't much I could do. I kept suggesting we fix up to spend time together over half term, and she basically wasn't interested ..... Until this weekend, when she is texting lots, saying how low she is and that we need to meet up.

And the only time I have left that she can also do, is when I had planned to go into town to see Mr Paint!

Of course, I will cancel that and see her instead - friends before fellas, always. I am just a little bit frustrated. But I know it's not her fault she gets like this - and God knows I am not perfect either, and we all need our friends at times. And I do really love her - she has stood by me through some absolutely awful times, and never judged me, no matter what stupid shit I have done .....

Sorry, I realise I sound like a total cow there ...mm

@Ilovelurchers you're a good friend, I am unreasonably gutted about your date with Mr Paint though! I am vicariously invested in this iron 😂

I mean, yes, sisters before misters, but she doesn't sound like she treats you terribly well or appreciates your efforts. I do hope you'll make new plans worth Mr Paint and that he accommodates you and accepts it with grace. Like the others i am over invested here

I know I've made it sound like that ... She honestly is a good person, she just struggles. But thank you.

If it's meant to be with Mr Paint, it will be.

It's just one of those things .... I probably just need to sleep on it. I am sure I will feel better in the morning. X

No you don't sound like a cow.

Why can't she rearrange her stuff (it sounds like she needs your support so it's not unreasonable for her to rearrange her own stuff if this is regular)?

This dating commune has now reminded me of that awful film the lobster. The residents have to find a partner within a timescale or they get turned into an animal of their choice.

Hmmm I would struggle to decide which I'd rather!

@Ilovelurchers Mr College sounds completely delusional! And I hope your friend appreciates you - changing your schedule like that is definitely going above and beyond!

Ugh, it’s been tumbleweeds for me on the dating front the last couple of days. It’s a long weekend here and with the weather warming up on this side of the planet, I think everyone vacated the city for the beach! Very few messages from any of my irons. Hopefully things will swing back into action later this week…

Hi all - new to this thread.

Does anyone have men trying to rush them onto WhatsApp? Is that normal? It’s something I’ve only had quite recently.

I’ve always been super cautious with my phone number until I am comfortable. The reason being is unless we are organising a call or a date has been scheduled, I don’t see why we would need to exchange numbers.

It makes me suspicious that the man is either just collecting numbers for an ego boost or has intentions to send weird photos on WhatsApp or is a scammer 😆

The reason I’m asking is because I was chatting to this guy and he seemed lovely although I had reservations since he had kids (I typically only date men with no kids)

I’d replied to a very long message he sent as well as a message he sent asking if I want to move to WhatsApp. I had replied in detail to his long message and said in response to the WhatsApp thing that maybe we can do WhatsApp a bit later. And for context we had sent maybe 5 messages each over 2 days so it’s not like we had been chatting for over a week. So yeah when he came back and read it at some point he unmatched me.

The next day another match who had barely said two words for me beyond telling me has been to mass that morning and what he did for a living suddenly asked if I wanted to move to Whatsapp. I asked him why?

He then backed off and said “have a nice morning anyway” but he wasn’t actually able to answer why he wanted to move what was a very dry conversation to another app 😆it’s not like we were getting on like a house on fire and talking about meeting up! So yeah I just unmatched him right away.

I deleted all the apps after that week but I’ll no doubt be back on next month or maybe in the new year for one last try. I have used them on and off for about 4 years so I am about done with them.

Between Hot PT basically saying I’m too old (even though he made the first move) and Mr Handy making me feel like I was punching above my weight. And another guy I was messaging recently who said (and I quote) “you’re hot but you’d be super hot if you took fat jabs”….. I really need a break.

That’s awful @empirebiscuits12 . I really do feel some men are drawn to OLD as a way to have a pop at women. I mean surely he didn’t think that would endear you to him?

Although I did have a man I was physically involved with ask me if I’d ever take WLI jabs. I left his house that weekend and never returned due to that comment and other things. I mean he made it sound like a general casual question, but I don’t think he’d have asked if I was slimmer. The irony is he was fatter than me with bigger boobs and thighs. So I wasn’t so much hurt but more disgusted by his delusional misplaced confidence that’s rooted in misogyny.

I feel you on the dating fatigue. I don’t think I have ever used apps for more than 3 months at a time.

I went back onto Fab on Saturday...not sure why really as not sure I'm ready for anything.

I had a late night Friday amd was worried I would see my ex out in town but I didnt and I think that set something off in me.

I've been chatting to a few respectful people but then all of a sudden reality hit and I realised that I'm older and wiser now and wouldn't just go to a strangers house.
Years ago I used to and I am so lucky nothing ever happened to me.
So maybe finding an FWB on Fab isnt for me and I should just find one in the wild...somehow

He is married. He claims to be "in an open relationship". What this actually looks like is, his poor wife is older than him and disabled, and they have adopted a child who struggles to sleep alone, so they basically never have sex and his wife doesn't really want to (don't blame her - he is a knob) and has apparently told him he is free to do what he likes but she doesn't want to hear about it.

This is horrible. What a revolting guy and the fact he isn’t even good looking is just the icing on the cake really.

His poor wife but yeah I’d be raging myself if a married man tricked me into having a date. I would definitely walk out the date and block him.

My own personal rule is not to swap numbers until we have met in person (though sometimes I will break that rule and give out my number before a date for practical reasons).

A motivation to push for WhatsApp for many guys is to be able to sext/swap pics. There are a lot of guys who want to do just this without any meeting/dating so that's the main reason I keep that at bay.

Some guys just find communication easier on WhatsApp, so that is if course fine. But I personally find it more intrusive and don't really want to have random strangers messaging me on there until I have established that it is a connection I want to pursue.

That is how I approach the WhatsApp requests. Most guys are fine with it.

@Clarabella77 Yes I feel this makes sense to swap numbers after meeting. Or at least once a date has been planned.

A motivation to push for WhatsApp for many guys is to be able to sext/swap pics. There are a lot of guys who want to do just this without any meeting/dating so that's the main reason I keep that at bay

This is what I think too!

I was second guessing myself a bit as that seemingly decent guy unmatched me but now thinking of it - that’s a red flag so I will stick to that policy as a way of weeding the wrong uns out. .

Because while I can see why a man would ask, surely if a man has good intentions he won’t mind waiting until after the first date.

He also asked me what was my best personality trait and what my best physical trait was. My reply to the latter was “my smile” lol

I suspect he was probably trying to test the waters with that question but disappeared when he could see he was getting nowhere with me 😆

Yeah that is classic "testing the water" behaviour. He was hoping you would say "my bum" or "my legs" and then he would have his way in!

Phew 😮‍💨 I dodged a bullet then! We had been talking about our hobbies like the theatre (mine) and American football (his) in the previous messages before. Just shows how quickly the tone of conversation can take a dive with matches 😆

@Pringleissingle yesh they do that to me too. I say it’s too soon. I’m super cautious too. And mostly they’re ok. Some back off. Some disappear. One guy was a bit rude but appeared again. And disappeared again But I’m not invested in him at all. Just bemused/ amused.

I got myself an old phone and a cheap sim. It’s my burner and I’ve given that number out. If any of these develop I’ll say I changed my number. My ex who I met on the apps had my old burner number for a year I never told him it was! Just gave him my real number eventually.

ime they start saying oh your messages have disappeared. Or complain about the app. Some just drop their number in there. But I ignore all that. I refuse to be moved on like that. I tell them I get a lot of messages so I’m being choosy.

@Reginablitzing Glad it’s not just me!! I was wondering if there was something I was doing that was giving them the wrong vibes about me or attracting a certain type 😆

Yes, that first guy shared his number when he said we could message on WhatsApp. He was obviously confident I’d use it but was clearly miffed when I said hang on!

I got myself an old phone and a cheap sim. It’s my burner and I’ve given that number out. If any of these develop I’ll say I changed my number. My ex who I met on the apps had my old burner number for a year I never told him it was! Just gave him my real number eventually

I like that idea. I have 3 phones, two of them are monthly contracts that I use for work and personal stuff , but thinking of getting a pay as you go sim for the third which is an old handset I mainly just use for picture storage. That one could be my dating phone.

Welcome - this is the best thread on Mumsnet and perhaps the entire internet, in my opinion! Everyone is so non-judgemental, kind and lovely.

As for the WhatsApp thing, I think most blokes try this - I guess if you don't have safety to worry about (as let's face it men don't - OK you might get the odd predatory woman but proportionally it's rare) then it makes sense as you can just check for messages when you are messaging family and friends, rather than going on to the app.

(Though it's not like going onto the app is a massive deal for them ..... )

I think some of them like to be able to phone, too - but I am not really a fan of phone calls pre first date.

Anyway, I just always say no. It's a bit of a test I think - if a guy just accepts my "no" and moves on, I don't count it against him. If he argues about it (as some have) then I assume he is deliberately trying to push boundaries for some reason, so put him straight in the bin.......

The whatsapp thing is common.

Often either they want to send inappropriate pics or messages consequence free or

add you to their collection of women in their phone for attention without arranging a date or

they don't want to get caught by the Missus on a dating app...or all of the above.

It's a good opportunity to test how they respond to a tiny boundary

"Happy to swap numbers if we meet up"

See how they react.

Did we date the same guy?

I binned someone for commenting that I wasn't as thin as his usual type.

Great job🌟 sorry you met a dickhead too. I'd like to think they learned from their sudden deep dive into binworld but...nah I doubt it 😱

Just do normal dating but include the "figuring it out" or "new friends" guys?

I suppose they're still strangers but who says benefits and friends have to happen all at once? (I have zero clue how FWB works)

Oh yes the dating app always develops a one sided glitch right around the time they want to go to whatsapp.