The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Pringleissingle the guy commenting on my weight was overweight and unfit too.

I did ask if he'd seen himself in a mirror😁

Thanks @Ilovelurchers happy to be here!

And yes I agree - it’s totally fine to ask but it becomes a red flag when they argue about it or get huffy. I was a bit wary of coming across as unreasonable but good to hear many other women say no as well.

I binned someone for commenting that I wasn't as thin as his usual type.

Ugh! Sorry you had the same guy! These certain men (not all men) really are the same guy though just in different bodies.

Whatever possesses them to say these things?Whether it’s stupidity or malice you were definitely right to get rid 👏🏽👏🏽

Well if everyone dishes out the same instant justice to these disrespectful men maybe they will learn. At least we did our bit for the sisterhood 😆

But sadly what sometimes happens is they keep going until they eventually encounter a low self esteem woman who responds to the negging by trying to gain his approval instead of binning him off.

they don't want to get caught by the Missus on a dating app.

@Nosdacariad Yeah I forgot that one as a potential reason to rush on to WhatsApp!

I agree it’s a good way to test boundaries and to see how they respond to the word no.

@Pringleissingle I think I was that low self esteem woman in the past. Part of no longer being that way is this group of excellent people.

In my case I had just (night before)told him if he wanted to keep having 1:1s in private with exes and "friends" he met on OLD while in a relationship with me then we were incompatible. The next morning the negging started.

@Ilovelurchers hope your half term of lurvve is looking good, did you reschedule for your friend in the end?

Yeah, I have been that low self esteem woman in the past too. One of my exes, Mr Tortoise, actually told me to my face he didn't find me attractive - and for some reason I didn't dump him that very second.

And even my current FWB, who I was together with for five years - at the start he made some slightly neggy comments about how he liked the fact that I was bigger than his usual women (I was a size 10-12 - his "usual women" must have been tiny - and funnily enough I met some of them later and they were bigger than me!). I have no idea why I took that from him at the time. I have challenged him about it since and he denies ever saying it, but that's him all over. Interestingly, the balance of power is very different between us now we are FWB, and he wouldn't dream of saying anything like that - basically he knows I would just stop seeing him ......

Mr College is still talking to himself in my Bumble in-box. I can't be bothered to even open the messages, but the last one states he is "at the gym, missing me".

Now how you can miss someone you have never met, I am not sure ..... He must think I am fucking desperate, if I would lap up shit like that ..... Interestingly, his job would indicate that he is a bright bloke - you would think he would be able to work out that no woman is going to want the meagre crumbs from his adulterous table......

Yeah, I rearranged for her. Well, I haven't actually told Paint yet, just in case she cancels - I will tell him tomorrow if she is still wanting to meet on Wednesday by then.

I can't really say too much as it might be outing, but she is quite vulnerable so I don't feel I can put her off really. And to be fair, I don't actually even know if Paint is interested - it's a meeting rather than a date - so it's not like I am cancelling a weekend in Paris with the love of my life. (Which I still would do if she needed me to. But I would be fucking pissed off, I will admit that!)

Christ, Mr College seems like an absolute desperate sleaze. His poor wife.

ah I see so the negging was a clear attempt to get you to pipe down. He thought you’d cling to him for validation, and let him continue whatever he was doing with these women but you ditched him instead. Love that for you! 🌟 @Nosdacariad

@Ilovelurchers

One of my exes, Mr Tortoise, actually told me to my face he didn't find me attractive - and for some reason I didn't dump him that very second.

Ouch 😣 really it’s sad how so many of us have these similar stories of love interests who insulted us for no reason other than to make themselves feel better or more powerful.

I’ve been there too where I’ve let things slide for longer than I should. We live, learn and grow eh

The arrogance of men like that is astounding. Arrogance and delusion!

I usually find its me wanting to move to WhatsApp or telegram. I find the conversation either dies or flows better and gives.me a better idea if we're compatible. It also allows for voice notes and someone having a voice I find unattractive ks a huge ick for me so its a filtering process.

Found these photos amusing and quite accurate. Thought you all may enjoy.

@Ilovelurchers you sound like a lovely friend. I dated a guy who practised ENM although he was up front about it, he sent me a clear STI test result and asked me to provide the same before we met which really took me aback ! Sounds like you a lot going on date wise. In the last weeks before I met Mr Chef I was doing the same and for the reasons you state. I think once you have been dating a while you start to get a lot more business like about it.

@Nosdacariad what’s happening with Mr Tennis ? Any others irons in the wings ?

@empirebiscuits12 I can’t believe someone said that to you about the jabs ffs

Yeah they always want your number and I was ok with it, result is I have a lot of corpses on my phone !

Well Mr Chef and I had our long anticipated weekend together, unfortunately I have the lurgy so it was a little compromised but it was still wonderful. I spoke to him about a couple of small things that have been bothering me and he responded well. Honestly just the time to chat about stuff and find out more about him, try and establish that he’s worth putting up with this situation for was welcome. He announced he wanted to go to France yesterday afternoon as he’s worried about the situation with riots, his parents live in close proximity, and he would probably try and get Tuesday off because rather then be there a day and a half. Whilst I understood I felt a little short changed and also concerned for the relentless toll this takes on him. I asked if there was anything I could say to change his mind and it was a no. What I am so happy about was I immediately accepted it , no sulking or protest behaviour and it’s shown me all the mountains of work I did on myself in the past worked.

I am seeing now that this is going to be a very long road before he stops spending so much time in France but for the time being he is worth it !

Is it time to block him, or tell him what you think of him?

@ThreeMogsAndCounting I love that!

Self awareness sold separately!

The one on the left is my type, he comes (or rather doesn't) with FOC sexual dysfunction.

The one on the right Burned Haystackers call a Middle aged white Buddhist.

Glad you had a lovely time 😘 you're coping very well with his endless trips.

Tennis asked me to be his gf and I said yes. We'll see 😁

On the STI screens - I think it's really sensible. Admittedly unromantic but less unromantic than contracting one.

It's easy to get a free online kit and get tested now.

@Nosdacariadthat is so exciting!

@Nosdacariad oh that’s great keep us posted

I'm not getting overexcited 😁

@Nosdacariad can we get excited on your behalf? Congratulations (mainly to Tennis - he's a lucky man)!

Keep your eyes open and remember what you're worth. And keep us updated of course!

Thank you 😘

After 🛩 I'm a bit cynical 😁

Understandable. I guess time will tell!

I will be pleased on your behalf in the meantime.

And for anyone else, if you wanna switch to WhatsApp let me know and I'll DM you my number.
Pussy pics definitely forthcoming id you do (see username 😉).

Sorry.

Im in a silly mood today.

@ThreeMogsAndCounting those are well-observed!

@Nosdacariad it's probably good to remain slightly on your guard at this stage, but at the same time, it's a nice, gentlemanly request from Tennis.

@comingintomyown glad you had a good week-end, and I think it's a green flag that Mr Chef acts on his concern for his parents.

How are things with you @Chocolatefreak ?

Congratulations. I am glad he sees how wonderful you are and is taking steps to grow the relationship he is fortunate to have with you!

Now tell him that if he hurts you in any way I will personally hunt him down and break his legs ..... ;)