The Dating Thread 64 - the leaves are falling, and so are the irons (at our feet, hopefully, and not gently binwards....)

[Ilovelurchers]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy!

• Be massively proud of yourself! Every boundary you put in place, big or small; every single iron you swipe left on, whatever your reasoning; every first date or fifteenth date you decide against pursuing..... These are all signs of how much you have learned to respect yourself, how far you have come, how you have finally realised that actually, remaining single a bit longer is hugely preferable to being with a partner who does not make you feel good about yourself. We all still make mistakes or errors of judgement occasionally - we are all still growing and learning - but every time you feel frustrated, just look at how far you have come, and how amazing you really are!

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I joined this thread a few weeks ago then went quiet. I have 3 irons currently that I’m talking to. I’m trying to figure out my type so going more for not being out off and liking what they say. I’ve been asked out twice, one was way too keen, he asked me out within an hour and was wanting to drive an hour to me. Another wants to meet this week halfway, but it’s been 24 hours of messaging and I know next to nothing about him so it feel too blind date like. I don’t even know how many kids he has, how old they are, what his job actually is etc.

I’ve not had a date in 20 years, I don’t know if I’m making excuses because I’m scared?

I’d be exactly the same as you. I prefer lots of messages then agree to meet. Others prefer quick meet but when I’ve met people quickly it’s never been ok and I’ve regretted it.

It's understandable. You're in the age range here and it's fine to give up or take a break if it's right for you xxx

Without asking first? Without replying to messages? Hmnnn.

You're allowed to be scared and to do what you feel comfortable with 💐

I suspect Mr visit within an hour was just after a shag 😁

@CleverOpalBalonz To try and avoid future complications maybe an idea to limit dates to those that live closer to you.

Yeah, we all give up regularly!

I think it's important to take a break whenever it feels too much like hard work.

You may find in a few weeks that you feel ready to go back to it.

But if you don't, that's also fair enough.....

Absolutely don't feel pressured or rushed into anything.

When I first started dating I felt I wanted to talk to people for quitw a long time before I felt confident to meet them. Now I actually prefer to move to a date more quickly, as I feel the longer chats, for me, can build up a false sense of intimacy and expectation.

But there are no rules on this. Just do what you feel comfortable with. And if an iron doesn't respect that or tries to rush you, then he is putting himself in the bin, basically.

@CleverOpalBalonz I have changed from lots of messages to meeting quickly. The reasoning being I was getting attached to people, then meeting and there wasn't a spark, or the connection was build in messages, not real life, so things quickly fizzled out. Now I meet quickly, which is scary as I really know little about them. Yesterday however I met 2. Each for a coffee/drink. First one a quick coffee and we both agreed, afterwards, there was nothing there. Second one there was a spark so we ended up having dinner too. We had loads to talk about as we didn't know much about each other. Just my take.:)

It probably goes without saying but I'll say it - meet somewhere public and let someone know where you're going.

Occasionally we've worried about peeps' safety.

As @Ilovelurchers says if any date tries to dismiss or override your no to anything , shove them in the bin like they're ticking 💣

I had one recently wanted to do second date at his, when I politely declined he asked if I was accusing him of being a rapist/murderer. Very manipulative.

I like Kate Taylor for dating advice.

There are a few standard ruses some men (and possibly some women) will use to get laid fast...watch out for those if that's not what you want (it may be and that's great too 😁).

It can be so deflating 💐

take a break and return when you are ready, it’s just a numbers game trying to sort through the (many) duds to find someone decent
I haven’t managed this yet! xx

I was meant to have a first date with Mr Jogger today in a nearby town, meeting at the Wetherspoons at around lunch time - we hadn't actually pinned down an exact time. He was the one who suggested we both bring a charity shop book to give to each other, so I was quite excited about this as you can imagine!

When I messaged to pin down the time today, he said we had agreed next Sunday.

I apologised, then when I scrolled back to look, we absolutely hadn't. Though neither of us had actually named dates, there was nothing to indicate we meant Sunday in a week's time.

Not sure whether to give him the benefit of the doubt, or assume he has just got cold feet but is too cowardly to own it.....

Anyway, I have a couple of dates coming up on Tuesday (Mr College for coffee and Mr Suit for mini-golf!) and one on Friday with Mr Miner..... So I will focus on those for now.

I wouldn't usually bother with a coffee date - I just don't really enjoy them - but I kind of think College is a "no" anyway based on his pictures. But because we have quite a bit of job and hobby stuff in common I just want to double check that with a quick meeting. It does occasionally happen that they are a lot better looking than their pics! And if this is the case here I will try to arrange a better date with him. But if it's as I suspect, I won't have wasted too much time.

Suit and Miner seem more my type looks wise - but it's so hard to know. I'm just going to keep playing the numbers game .....

Your second date yesterday sounds promising! Has he messaged since? (I know it was only yesterday.....🤣)

@IlovelurchersIt was such good fun :) He messaged this morning and we both said we enjoyed it. He said he would explain something about a film when we next see each other again :) He is local and hasn't mentioned sxx so big bonus points for him! The kissing was off the scale :) He was number 11.....

I don't like how Mr Jogger went straight for blaming you...and if you have to check your reality against the evidence at this stage 🚩?

Ooh good news!!

Great! And he also messaged first this morning?

Yes i agree 🚩

@ChocolatefreakHe messaged last night to say he got home and thanks then this morning good morning. :) It's the level of respect which is refreshing and a good check in with me regarding my boundaries. After feeling rubbish for years I was very suseptible to attention :(

So glad, you deserve so much more - I quite understand how basic respect can feel like a novelty 💙♥️💙

I am 57 too.

I was on this thread 2 years ago, dated for a few months, then met a lovely man my age on Tinder. Just knew he was special almost straight away. He's turned out to be a great cook, initially respectful but great in bed, has a good job, an established friendship group, his own lovely place, likes film, cinema and gigs, enjoys travel, walks in the countryside and cosy pubs. He's faithful and consistent, I've not doubted him for a moment.

We've been happily together ever since. So they are out there. It's just sifting through.

He’s just sent me a run of messages saying he doesn’t know he stands and basically saying I’m inconsistent. Well this has made me mad. So I’ve sent him a run of messages back. I know I shouldn’t have. Just correcting him, that was this morning.snd he’s ignoring me now. Idiot.

Sorry he's such an idiot.

I suspect he's unlikely to get better, time to say "next!" 💐

Definitely
but I have a real desire to tell him why he is such a bad bet.

@NosdacariadThank you :)