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Original poster

Date tried to put a hood on me during sex

385 replies

solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 11:42

I've been trying to date and honestly not had the best time so far.

I don't get a lot of free time because I'm a solo parent to my son.
So I went on a date recently. It was a low pressure walk (my suggestion). It went really well and we hit it off a lot better than expected. The only thing was that he made reference to being interested in the D/s dynamic. Can't remember how the conversation came up. I didn't make much of it because that is something I can enjoy, but didn't want to discuss at that point.

So second date we were at his house. He kisses me and things get heated. We're about to have sex and he gets about a hood to put over my head. Apparently one of his fantasies. I said no.

This doesn't sound like a man who's looking for a relationship, right?

OP posts:
titchy · 30/09/2026 13:23

A man telling you his kink fantasy on the very first date surely is a red flag? Surely? Aren’t first dates to find out if you broadly get on, have similar senses of humour, mutual interest in pre-raphaelite art, French wine and pub quizzes?

YouHaveAnArse · 30/09/2026 13:23

thatwasclose · 30/09/2026 13:22

This!

I was by no means a ‘no sex until marriage’ brigade but sex on the second date when you’re looking for a relationship not a ONS? Why?

Show quote history

DH and I had sex on our first date. We both wanted to and it felt right. We've been together for longer than the iPhone's been around.

Oh, and consent was very much involved at every step.

SuperGinger · 30/09/2026 13:24

Jeez, run for your life.That is not normal.

Original poster
solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 13:24

thatwasclose · 30/09/2026 13:22

This!

I was by no means a ‘no sex until marriage’ brigade but sex on the second date when you’re looking for a relationship not a ONS? Why?

Show quote history

I got swept along.

I was at the end of my period and went with no thought of sex.

OP posts:
UnaPersson · 30/09/2026 13:25

I'm probably much older than most posters here (62), but I do wonder what happened to things like respect, affection, dare I say it, romance.

He's certainly not looking for love, is he? Terrifying bastard.

YouHaveAnArse · 30/09/2026 13:26

titchy · 30/09/2026 13:23

A man telling you his kink fantasy on the very first date surely is a red flag? Surely? Aren’t first dates to find out if you broadly get on, have similar senses of humour, mutual interest in pre-raphaelite art, French wine and pub quizzes?

TBF if I was really into d/s it might feel like one of those things to make clear early on so that we aren't both wasting our time. Just as there are some people who like to make clear their religious beliefs, that they're not looking to ever have children, or think it might be awkward to date someone who isn't also vegan.

But also...if I was really into d/s, I'd probably use a site more geared towards others into it.

leh13579 · 30/09/2026 13:26

solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 11:42

I've been trying to date and honestly not had the best time so far.

I don't get a lot of free time because I'm a solo parent to my son.
So I went on a date recently. It was a low pressure walk (my suggestion). It went really well and we hit it off a lot better than expected. The only thing was that he made reference to being interested in the D/s dynamic. Can't remember how the conversation came up. I didn't make much of it because that is something I can enjoy, but didn't want to discuss at that point.

So second date we were at his house. He kisses me and things get heated. We're about to have sex and he gets about a hood to put over my head. Apparently one of his fantasies. I said no.

This doesn't sound like a man who's looking for a relationship, right?

Huge red flag from him and you did the right thing.

There is nothing wrong with having fantasies. But you must communicate them with your partner and get their consent before you start anything. And doing this on a first time is horrifying.

What a dick and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Boreded · 30/09/2026 13:29

42goingon14 · 30/09/2026 11:47

First time without asking in advance is what would bother me.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah this…he can have whatever kinks he wants, just don’t bring it up the for very first time in the bedroom, trying to catch her on the fly hoping she will just say yes without thinking. Stuff like that needs a conversation first!!!

B9b9b9 · 30/09/2026 13:29

solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 12:17

I'd not had sex for other a year.
I don't engage in anything risky anymore (well, apart from finding myself in this situation).

I was hoping to go on some normal dates, but now I'm thinking my judgement is still too impaired.

Show quote history

I agree, your judgement is impaired. I quite accept that some women are perfectly fine with casual sex but you are far more likely to get involved with the wrong sort of person if you let sex lead your dates. If you carry on dating just work on getting to know someone first , if a man tries to put pressure on you for sex then you know they aren’t the sort of person you’d ever want to be around your child.

B9b9b9 · 30/09/2026 13:32

YouHaveAnArse · 30/09/2026 13:23

DH and I had sex on our first date. We both wanted to and it felt right. We've been together for longer than the iPhone's been around.

Oh, and consent was very much involved at every step.

Show quote history

Were you a parent when you met him though? Possibly not.

EmiliaBassano · 30/09/2026 13:32

UnaPersson · 30/09/2026 13:25

I'm probably much older than most posters here (62), but I do wonder what happened to things like respect, affection, dare I say it, romance.

He's certainly not looking for love, is he? Terrifying bastard.

Edited

I'm just over half your age and echo everything you say.

Emptyandsad · 30/09/2026 13:33

If the object of your date was to find a quick shag, then I guess talking about sexual preferences on a first or second date is good practice, but if you're looking for a relationship (where, you know, sex is a thing you do when you know each other and that you're compatible) then, call me old fashioned, but I wouldn't be expecting to be talking about sex at all, let alone discussing my preferences for being pelted with cream cakes, until a little further into the relationship.

To be fair to him, he did at least make you aware of his kinks before you were in the heat of the moment; he probably couldn't believe his luck that you didn't run for the hills! Nevertheless, to just whip a hood out of his back pocket on your first time, without an explicit conversation, is really seriously alarming behaviour. Thank goodness he stopped when you asked him to. For most people, the first time you have sex with someone would be exciting enough without the latex and whips. I wonder what he'd do when he wanted to ramp things up a bit!

I wouldn't be pursuing this relationship unless

a. I was really very keen on him AND
b. I was enthusiastic about domination/submission AND
c. Had had my anxieties allayed by a long and explicit conversation about informed consent each and every time, how that consent can be removed at any time, and agreed protocols for how that consent is reviewed during the course of a session, safe words etc.

Proceed if you must with extreme caution - and only because he did stop as soon as you told him to. Any doubt at all on any of the three conditions above and I'd be waving goodbye

SquirrelSoShiny · 30/09/2026 13:34

There is nothing about this that is 'dom/sub'. There are very clear guidelines around consent and boundaries in those dynamics. This is a guy who decided to impose a fantasy on you without consent. Don't put yourself in risky situations with total strangers regardless of their economic or social status. Do you want your son left with a traumatised or dead mother?

allthingsinmoderation · 30/09/2026 13:35

I'm sorry you were put in such an uncomfortable position by this man.
I appreciate people have different preferances in sexual behaviour but i cant imagine many women would want sex on theur second date with a hood on their head....
Personally i would have jumped up and ran for the hills as fast as my legs could carry me.
Definitely do a claires law on him .....

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 30/09/2026 13:39

Honestly, he seems to be socially inept. Wether or not the hood thing is for you is irrelevant, bringing up sex dynamics on a walk in the park is a bit odd, and then on top of that just whipping out the hood with no prior discussion is very strange. He never asked you about your fantasies either, so he’s a bit self centred on top of that.

Don't get me wrong, I do think you should discuss sexual compatibility early on and that you should be honest - but it should be in an appropriate setting. Part of me also thinks he was kind of just hoping you’d go along with it.

Original poster
solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 13:40

He's been married for 15 years. Seems unlikely there's anything on his record.
My guess is that he's been watching lots of porn since the marriage broke down and now wants to explore that.

OP posts:
DontBotherJustChooseYourself · 30/09/2026 13:40

Join the Burned Haystack dating group on FB, or read Jennie Young's blogs on Substack (founder of Burned Haystack). She specialises in rhetorical patterns, and the aim is ultimately to keep women safe when dating (it can be used for all interactions though, not just dating - it's about decoding the behaviours of others at its essence; what someone's words, etc, are REALLY saying. Very, very interesting). Him mentioning dom/ sub stuff on a date so early on would have put this specimen in the block-to-burn category. Not because there is anything wrong with folks enjoying dom/ sub kink, but because it will be an indicator that this man is, as you say, really not looking for a relationship. He's looking for a hole - to be candid.

A man who proceeds to consider ONLY his wants - ie the bag on your head, no prior discussion is going to make a terrible partner. Extrapolate this behaviour... and clearly you're not dealing with someone remotely interested in how another person, ie you OP, might be feeling. Absolutely horrific.

Tiddlywinks63 · 30/09/2026 13:40

UnaPersson · 30/09/2026 13:25

I'm probably much older than most posters here (62), but I do wonder what happened to things like respect, affection, dare I say it, romance.

He's certainly not looking for love, is he? Terrifying bastard.

Edited

I’m even older and I completely agree @UnaPersson .

Original poster
solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 13:41

DontBotherJustChooseYourself · 30/09/2026 13:40

Join the Burned Haystack dating group on FB, or read Jennie Young's blogs on Substack (founder of Burned Haystack). She specialises in rhetorical patterns, and the aim is ultimately to keep women safe when dating (it can be used for all interactions though, not just dating - it's about decoding the behaviours of others at its essence; what someone's words, etc, are REALLY saying. Very, very interesting). Him mentioning dom/ sub stuff on a date so early on would have put this specimen in the block-to-burn category. Not because there is anything wrong with folks enjoying dom/ sub kink, but because it will be an indicator that this man is, as you say, really not looking for a relationship. He's looking for a hole - to be candid.

A man who proceeds to consider ONLY his wants - ie the bag on your head, no prior discussion is going to make a terrible partner. Extrapolate this behaviour... and clearly you're not dealing with someone remotely interested in how another person, ie you OP, might be feeling. Absolutely horrific.

I'm looking up the facebook page now, thank you.

OP posts:
Travelban · 30/09/2026 13:42

UnaPersson · 30/09/2026 13:25

I'm probably much older than most posters here (62), but I do wonder what happened to things like respect, affection, dare I say it, romance.

He's certainly not looking for love, is he? Terrifying bastard.

Edited

Absolutely agree with this. What a creep! And sorry but you can't know he is not dangerous. Believe me when I say that social status has absolutely nothing to do with whether a man is dangerous or not. Yes, personal experience.

LostTheGoodScissors · 30/09/2026 13:42

Good men in the kink community would know that something like that isn’t a second date thing. Sack him off.

Constantrunner · 30/09/2026 13:46

Yesautumniscoming · 30/09/2026 11:44

Wtf, he sounds dangerous.

He does sound dangerous.
You will get people justifying this saying if it is consensual etc. This was not. There was zero discussion beforehand. You have no idea what else he was going to do. Stay very well away from this one.
And be aware that dangerous people can also be very charming.

Original poster
solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 13:46

I will say it's put me off kink for the time being and it's something I'm going to be avoiding.

OP posts:
eminthebigsmoke · 30/09/2026 13:47

solosunflowers · 30/09/2026 12:17

I'd not had sex for other a year.
I don't engage in anything risky anymore (well, apart from finding myself in this situation).

I was hoping to go on some normal dates, but now I'm thinking my judgement is still too impaired.

Show quote history

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself - you're not to blame for his decision to try to engage you in kinky sex without negotiating it. If you're just getting out there again it might take a little time to get your bearings and re-learn how to make judgements.

Arcticienne · 30/09/2026 13:49

ffs … why are you even asking !? But just in case you’re still deliberating… get as far away from this goon as fast as you can.

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