Date tried to put a hood on me during sex

[solosunflowers]

I've been trying to date and honestly not had the best time so far.

I don't get a lot of free time because I'm a solo parent to my son.
So I went on a date recently. It was a low pressure walk (my suggestion). It went really well and we hit it off a lot better than expected. The only thing was that he made reference to being interested in the D/s dynamic. Can't remember how the conversation came up. I didn't make much of it because that is something I can enjoy, but didn't want to discuss at that point.

So second date we were at his house. He kisses me and things get heated. We're about to have sex and he gets about a hood to put over my head. Apparently one of his fantasies. I said no.

This doesn't sound like a man who's looking for a relationship, right?

'he made reference to being interested in the D/s dynamic. Can't remember how the conversation came up.'

I'm not into that - or discussing sex on a first date - so that date would have ended there for me.

The first few dates should really be in public settings. Please be careful about how you go about dating, OP.

Of course this man should have spoken to you clearly about this and secured your agreement to it before he tried placing a hood over your head.

Agree, I don’t know what this is either.

Dom/sub

Exactly this. You aren't a person, just a vehicle for his kink/fantasy. No consideration of you at all. Worrying.

Omg no. It’s way too much and too weird. I think surely exploring fantasies like this need to come from a place of absolute trust and mutual agreement and absolute consent, which is built over a long time frame.

If he's really into d/s play he'd know that consent is always agreed beforehand and there's an established safeword.

He sounds dangerous.

But you shagged him anyway ? Yikes.

I wouldn’t be going on a further date and I’d be telling him it’s because what he did was not normal behaviour and totally out of order - these men that treat women like this should be made to feel uncomfortable/bad about it so they may reflect a bit. Further down the line, with consent, is different. I also think it’s a strange thing to discuss on an early date - he was testing the water and obviously thought you were ok with it. Did you not say anything at the time?

Get rid . You were only on a second date and he tried this . I don’t mean to be judgmental but wait until you get to know people a bit more before you sleep with them . This could have turned very ugly and you might not be here to post on mums net .

No I didn't say anything at the time. I didn't really pass a comment. I was happy that we were getting on so well. Suppose I turned a blind eye.

I assume Dominance/Sadism.
To be honest if you didn't end your connection to him at that point @solosunflowers he might have assumed (obviously unreasonably) that you'd be willing to try it.
It's good that he stopped and put it away as soon as you said "no" but that's a very very low bar. It was totally inappropriate for him to get it out at all without a conversation first.

A hood over the head has a very clear unambiguous meaning - it means the thing he is f7cking is not a person. Even asking you to consider it would be a red flag for any self-respecting woman. Fortunately for him there are many non-self-respecting women around so he will be able to find one of them.

No, while a Dom could surprise the sub within a scene, you need to be clear beforehand that it's going to be going there, and you need your limits and safe word well established. And you need to know him well enough that you can trust him.

Dump. He doesn't know the first thing about it. The fact that he started it all off based on his fantasy rather than what would get you going is a bad sign too. Doms are supposed to want the sub to go nuts for them, not just rush straight in with what they themselves like with no knowledge of whether the sub might like it.

He may well want a relationship so I wouldn’t be sure about that. But I feel this move was waaaaay too early and probably should’ve been discussed? Maybe he did that early to test you to see if you’re up for that.

If a man wants to engage in this type of sex, he needs to either build up trust within a long term relationship or pay a professional. Your friend obviously does not think he needs to do either. He sounds dangerous.

Very true.
I think I still have work to do on my self worth.

I've had a lot of casual/risky sex over the years. Not much shocks me anymore, so it's good to hear what others think.

If you are truly looking for a relationship, seeing as you have a child you’d be far better seeing if you are compatible with someone and keep sex off the table until you have a better judgement of their character. Risky sex when you are responsible for a child is a no no ,surely?

I'd not had sex for other a year.
I don't engage in anything risky anymore (well, apart from finding myself in this situation).

I was hoping to go on some normal dates, but now I'm thinking my judgement is still too impaired.

Take something for him to wear, a t-shirt emblazoned with I am a weirdo - possibly dangerous

It sounds like episode 1 of a serial killer podcast

Wow, second date, first time you two have sex and your to wear a hood? No thought how that could make you feel, he's not seeing you as a real person is he? What would he expect you to do second time you had sex? Fantasy stuff is fine with a willing partner, who trusts you. How has he expressed how trustworthy he is? It would be a no, just for his sheer entitlement

Christ Almighty!! Run run run

Run. He sounds a danger.

It has real Abu -Ghraib vibes hasn’t it. It would be an absolute instant no from me.

When you think about the message: you’re more arousing when your face is erased is actually pretty disturbing.
what’s also disturbing is apologists who use the word “play” because play suggests a mutual activity- this is dehumanizing/objectifying, and then using the dehumanized/objectified Thing as a fleshlight. Gross.

Discussed sex and s/d on first date
Used a hood on 2nd without seeking consent.

I wouldn't have gone on the second date but if I had and he'd done that, his most sensitive area would still be smarting from the end of my boot.

Please get some therapy @solosunflowers to work on your self esteem and personal boundaries.

Well I can't afford therapy. I am keen to work on myself.

I don't believe he's actually dangerous, though. Definitely not. It's about his porn fantasies.