Partner going away with attractive 22 year old girl. Is it a bit weird or am I just being jealous/insecure.

[cheeseandhamtoastie42]

Just that really! For context he’s 43, and self employed so it’s a work trip that he’s organised himself. It’s long haul and they will be away for a few weeks. She works for him at his house everyday mon-Fri, they are set up in his dining room. Desks next to eachother. We don’t live together.

The whole thing is making me feel a bit weird but I’m not sure why! I know if I try to talk to him about it it will just go round in circles and will just result in me feeling like a terrible person/jealous insecure girlfriend. He sees the trip as essential to the business, I don’t want to be accused of being unsupportive as I do support him massively.

just wondered how others would potentially feel about this situation? Am I being an absolute areshole girlfriend?

😆

Why are you planning your exit? Do you have stuff at his house? You're giving him a lot of headspace, are your children due back later? If there's nothing of value he has of your's, I'd just rnd it and carry on with your life.

I also don’t understand the

Ghosting.

Then (I’m going to dump him).

Planning my exit.

None of that can be necessary if you have no formal attachment. (Shared property, joint account, children, etc.) In the absence of any of those, simple courtesy requires absolutely nothing more than a single, firm, non-emotional text. With zero follow-up.

@cheeseandhamtoastie42 I am glad you are seeing the light. I think you partly needed to realise you don't need anyone's permission to leave this loser.
Being gaslit into this corner it is easy to not realise you can just step over the walls he has created and see the light.

And I am VERY worried about this vulnerable young woman. She is going to be so at risk when away abroad with him. She will be dependent on him for everything, he will have her travel ticket. If he makes advances she wont reasonably be able to refuse.
I would be wanting to warn her or her parents. (I KNOW she is an adult but 22 is still young and can be naive).

Because I’m scared. Scared of what he’ll do, scared of what he’ll say. Scared of how I feel. Despite how he comes across on here we have been together for four years and feelings are unfortunately involved.

He can be incredibly manipulative and for someone who doubts themselves constantly that can be dangerous.

I’m scared how it will impact my kids too. They really like him. Also how it will impact his kids too (though really they should be used to it by now) he will likely make them hate me judging by how they’ve spoken about his exes. I know I shouldn’t care but there is obviously an attachment there.

I stopped reading after the post where you said he’s massively crossed the line with this, of so what stops you from moving along from this? But I am curious that he’s lied and gaslighted you before and is very secretive and why your lines are crossed only now?

And your last post, aside from feelings being involved I call BS on the other excuses. But feelings of being treated poorly vs love?

This sounds very hard. I wonder if therapy might help you disentangle things and find a way to navigate yourself out?

I appreciate that feelings are involved, but depending on how old your children are, you just need to explain in an age appropriate way that the relationship is not working for you so you are calling it a day. As far as he is concerned, can you not just take the same line and then block him on everything? There is so little crossover in your lives I should imagine it'll have very little impact on you on a practical level. There seems little point giving him the opportunity to 'explain' himself, given you can't trust a word he says.

As a 22 yr old female employee I would have felt really uncomfortable going away from home for 3 weeks with an older man that was not my lover/boyfriend/husband. I'll let you digest that.

I know. The whole thing is grim. Her parents are aware though apparently. They are extremely appreciative and grateful to him. I’m questioning whether this is the truth or not now tbh.

Why stay then if he lies and manipulative and sounds awful? You obviously don’t trust him and are seeing red flags over what could be a potentially innocent situation with his work colleague. Either leave the relationship or ask him to sack her and hire only very ugly old people. If you’re asking strangers this question then you know the answer deep down and looking for a reason to leave. Sounds like you’ll be much happier out of the relationship.

Do you know for sure that he is taking her on this "business trip" as he might just be lying and trying to boost his own ego and wanting to make you feel jealous at the same time.

He sounds like he has all the makings of a cult leader.

Anything he has told you has to be seen as unreliable

This young woman will be in a pretty compromising situation when they’re away — as PP said, relying on him for her travel and other arrangements as well as possibly language.

It would be very difficult, but helpful, to find a way to inform her she would be wise to ensure if she goes she has control of her travel tickets and accommodation information.

You can’t be sure he isn’t using your existence to “legitimise” his actions. If he says he has a partner who’s a responsible mother etc etc, it lends him credibility so people like this young woman & her parents trust him. Men take women along when abducting children because the women are deemed trustworthy, which is lent to an accompanying men.

Why don't you arrange a meet up. It will be really nice to get to know your DH's new assistant.
You'll get the vibes - good or bad.

X

How do you know she's attractive then?

Scared of what he'll do? Scared of what he'll say? To whom?
You mentioned his kids well you're never going to see them again when you break up with him so why you care what they think?
Or is there more to this that you haven't told us?

There's nothing to be scared of. Just text him. No point seeing him. I doubt he'll care much. He doesn't exactly have any get up and go. But it's time you got up and went.

From the OP’s last post I have the impression she has left out quite a bit in previous posts - possibly for the sake of anonymity? We now learn that the mobland underling / drug runner / arms dealer she’s involved with has more than one (adult?) child and that she clearly has enough contact / involvement with them to care what they think of her.

Which is obviously an added complication.

Danny DeVito in skinny jeans. Pass the eye bleach please!

Interesting response from him. Very defensive. That in itself would make me suspicious.

I wouldn’t like a partner to be away with a younger woman. It would also make me nervous. Perhaps I’m suspicious but I’d struggle.

Oh lordy, why on earth are you with him, he sounds delightful 🤢

Wondering why the girl is happy to go abroad for 3 weeks with him? Unless she's attracted to old , overweight smelly men !

Would he take her as a colleague and try it on with her whilst away? Sun, sea, and s*x , make her feel special, to a point she won't say no? I just can't think of a reason why she would go with him for such a length of time? Unless they are already into an ongoing affair,

I'd love to be a fly on the wall 😂

You deserve so much better, glad you have decided to dump him. X

What are you getting out of this relationship?

So what he’s going to pay for a whole room for himself and a separate room for her for two weeks? Not likely. Nor is it sound business unless he is utterly minted. She’d have to be heavily subsidised too surely to take two weeks away from her life to go on this trip cause it’s not just her usual hours.

They’re shagging. Sorry.

Also, I decent man would ever do this to you. It’s not appropriate for him to travel alone with a young solo woman. He’s a married man.

Just let him go and get started on the divorce process whilst he is away.

She's unlikely to be attracted to him at all. But it's a really tough jobs market out there for new graduates, and she won't want to piss him off. In addition, he's offering paid travel with not much work involved as a sweetener for putting up with his shit

Women have been predated on by their male superiors at work for ever. A few take advantage but the vast majority, imo, put up with it out of fear. Thanks to #metoo, more women are refusing to put up with it, but it takes a lot of courage to call out somebody who has power over you