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Partner going away with attractive 22 year old girl. Is it a bit weird or am I just being jealous/insecure.

240 replies

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 07:30

Just that really! For context he’s 43, and self employed so it’s a work trip that he’s organised himself. It’s long haul and they will be away for a few weeks. She works for him at his house everyday mon-Fri, they are set up in his dining room. Desks next to eachother. We don’t live together.

The whole thing is making me feel a bit weird but I’m not sure why! I know if I try to talk to him about it it will just go round in circles and will just result in me feeling like a terrible person/jealous insecure girlfriend. He sees the trip as essential to the business, I don’t want to be accused of being unsupportive as I do support him massively.

just wondered how others would potentially feel about this situation? Am I being an absolute areshole girlfriend?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · Today 07:55

The whole thing is making me feel a bit weird but I’m not sure why!

Well, you do know why otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned their ages and her level of attractiveness or feel weird about it.

You either think something is going on or has the potential to happen if they are away for weeks together and alone otherwise.

He sees the trip as essential to the business you have no way of knowing if this is the case.

You have no way of knowing what the accommodation/sleeping arrangements are and no way of verifying what he tells you.

You also have no way of knowing the nature of their relationship when they are working together all day and you are not there.

Why does he need two employees if the business is new and struggling for clients to this extent? I know a few people who've run web design businesses over the years and they've always worked for themselves by themselves.

It's easy for people to say you either trust him or you don't because plenty of womwn have trusted husbands/partners who've cheated on them. If you know he has a history of cheating, he's probably not a very safe bet. Otherwise, you're in the same boat as anyone in any relationship and you just hope he won't.

It seems a little odd to he going away for several weeks when only a few days of each week will be spent working and the rest will be spent doing touristy things.

The biggest concern I'd say is that, if there isnt already something going on, the conditions of the trip would make it very easy for somwthing to develop.

Not going to delete this but just read your updates...

I don’t trust him tbh he’s lied and gaslit a lot in the past, especially about trips. He’s secretive about his life and withholds a lot of information.

Dump him. This os why you feel weord abkut it. You already know he can't be trusted.

You will nott have a secure and emotionally safe future with this man because you don't have a secure and emotionally safe present with him.

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 07:56

Kingdomofsleep · Today 07:54

I wouldn't be happy, as a young female employee, to have to work alone with my boss in his house. The whole setup shows that he doesn't really have good boundaries or good judgement. Either work remotely or, if a shared working space is unaffordable, then the business isn't particularly viable.

That's reason enough to ditch him. I can't stand men who don't understand the position they put women in.

That’s a good point tbh.

she’s recently graduated and can’t find work so he’s framing it as doing her a massive favour. Don’t think he’s paying her much either.

OP posts:
smarterthantheaversgebear · Today 07:56

He either takes you as well or it’s over. If he refuses then you have your answer x

InfoSecInTheCity · Today 07:57

I think the context is key here and the information you’ve provided is very limited.

is it 2 weeks, 3 weeks….?
Is it multiple locations that require travel time between which extends the length?
Does he have meetings and opportunities booked in that justify the length of the trip?
Does she have a role to play in those meetings that justify her presence?
Does he have previous form for cheating?
Do you have reasons outside of this event to suspect him?

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 07:58

smarterthantheaversgebear · Today 07:56

He either takes you as well or it’s over. If he refuses then you have your answer x

I don’t think that even crosses his mind when he goes away. He lives a very compartmented life.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · Today 07:59

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 07:56

That’s a good point tbh.

she’s recently graduated and can’t find work so he’s framing it as doing her a massive favour. Don’t think he’s paying her much either.

Ah, the old older man who wants to help, mentor and support the attractive young graduate..?

Its a tale as old as time.

JustWalnut · Today 07:59

I'm a web designer and I know quite a few others in the same line of work. Guess how many of us have ever been on a business trip abroad?! Yep, none. There's no need for it.

Namechangewegovyjune26 · Today 08:00

AllJoyAndNoFun · Today 07:47

It kind of depends what he does and why this trip is important. If he’s displaying at a tonne of trade shows across Asia that’s different to them deciding to do a strategy retreat in a Thai beach resort.

Agree!

Pedallleur · Today 08:01

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 07:51

He would not be happy if I did the same but he has massive double standards!

Doesn't get better with every post. He hasgone from going away with 22 year old assistant to he has double standards, lies, gaslight etc. Sounds a real catch for someone!! Web design. Something done on the Internet that's viewed on the Internet.

BibbityBoppityTwo · Today 08:01

Why is it necessary for her to go? It’s a bit weird that a 40-something-year-old man would want to take a 22-year-old female colleague away on his own. My partner works for himself and I know for sure he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that. It would be completely different if there were other colleagues going. If she’s someone he’d just helping out because she can’t find other work and is paying very little, I really doubt it’s remotely essential for her to go on the trip.

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:01

InfoSecInTheCity · Today 07:57

I think the context is key here and the information you’ve provided is very limited.

is it 2 weeks, 3 weeks….?
Is it multiple locations that require travel time between which extends the length?
Does he have meetings and opportunities booked in that justify the length of the trip?
Does she have a role to play in those meetings that justify her presence?
Does he have previous form for cheating?
Do you have reasons outside of this event to suspect him?

I don’t know much about it, sorry. He’s always very vague about travel plans to the point of me usually not knowing specific dates. It’s likely to be numerous locations in the country. Neither of them speak the language. Nothing is booked in as far as I’m aware. He’s never mentioned that he’s cheated previously.

OP posts:
RappelChoan · Today 08:01

I would rather be single than in a relationship with somebody like you have described. Regardless of the trip, the rest of it sounds like someone I couldn’t respect or spend enjoyable time with.

Gateappreciation · Today 08:02

JustWalnut · Today 07:59

I'm a web designer and I know quite a few others in the same line of work. Guess how many of us have ever been on a business trip abroad?! Yep, none. There's no need for it.

Good to have this confirmed!

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:02

RappelChoan · Today 08:01

I would rather be single than in a relationship with somebody like you have described. Regardless of the trip, the rest of it sounds like someone I couldn’t respect or spend enjoyable time with.

Why’s that? I’m curious!

OP posts:
Loub1987 · Today 08:03

I’d mostly be concerned as to what kind of idiot would start a web design firm now?! AI will probably do anything he does in about 3 months….

The whole set up is weird.

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:03

JustWalnut · Today 07:59

I'm a web designer and I know quite a few others in the same line of work. Guess how many of us have ever been on a business trip abroad?! Yep, none. There's no need for it.

Good to know. He goes away loads!

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · Today 08:04

@cheeseandhamtoastie42 its a no from me . My first thought was he could be taking you . If nothing is happening with them both he is creeping around her . Although free holidays and working that closely . Hmmm .
Ask him if you can see the hotel booking confirmation . If you are too scared of his reaction then there you go .
What are you getting from this situation ?

RappelChoan · Today 08:04

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:02

Why’s that? I’m curious!

Erm, because obviously he sounds self absorbed, like he doesn’t care about you, disorganised and boring.

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:04

Loub1987 · Today 08:03

I’d mostly be concerned as to what kind of idiot would start a web design firm now?! AI will probably do anything he does in about 3 months….

The whole set up is weird.

That’s what he’s stressing about. Business has dropped massively.

OP posts:
Gateappreciation · Today 08:04

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:01

I don’t know much about it, sorry. He’s always very vague about travel plans to the point of me usually not knowing specific dates. It’s likely to be numerous locations in the country. Neither of them speak the language. Nothing is booked in as far as I’m aware. He’s never mentioned that he’s cheated previously.

So it’s not a business trip, but a holiday. There’s no plan or structure, and he diesn’t even speak the language. There’s no long term future in the business or the relationship.

rosagarten · Today 08:05

GreyCarpet · Today 07:59

Ah, the old older man who wants to help, mentor and support the attractive young graduate..?

Its a tale as old as time.

Yes, I hope the young graduate knows what she might be getting herself into here.

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 08:06

RappelChoan · Today 08:04

Erm, because obviously he sounds self absorbed, like he doesn’t care about you, disorganised and boring.

yeah he’s very “what I want I get” minded if that makes sense. Loves travel and will absolutely prioritise that over anything else.

OP posts:
DefinitelyMaybe26 · Today 08:06

Hmm that’s a very cosy set up he’s got there. I feel sorry for the 22 year old. I would assume they are in a relationship tbh going on trips abroad. I would imagine there is not a lot of ‘work’ going on. What do they do when they are not ‘working?’ Beach? Hotel spas? Meals out?

RealistScot · Today 08:06

Kingdomofsleep · Today 07:54

I wouldn't be happy, as a young female employee, to have to work alone with my boss in his house. The whole setup shows that he doesn't really have good boundaries or good judgement. Either work remotely or, if a shared working space is unaffordable, then the business isn't particularly viable.

That's reason enough to ditch him. I can't stand men who don't understand the position they put women in.

You are not responsible for this woman but this is an excellent point. It sounds as if she is being put in an extremely vulnerable position. I think you are perfectly within your rights to ask him to explain where they are both staying, where they will be working from etc. do you mean they will be working from a dining room when away? I.e. renting a property to work from and stay in? In which case she would be ill-advised to agree to this (or more likely is desperate for the work/experience).

He sounds like he has extremely poor judgement or is outright lying. Either way, not worth your time of he's not willing to discuss.

Blueshape · Today 08:07

cheeseandhamtoastie42 · Today 07:44

It’s web design. It’s a fairly new business. He goes away a lot. He likes to have a few days/a week for work stuff then he spends the rest of the time doing more touristy stuff.

So he' not working FT, but is employing 'sraff' and wonders why the business isn't doing well? That's an unusual arrangement for SE people.

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