Would you date someone who does not drive

[Dancemom1]

Would it put you off from dating someone if you found out they didn’t drive?
after a nice first date with a man (40)
i found out he didn’t drive.
i do drive myself and couldn’t be without my car as i have w busy life with kids.
he has no kids so its a bit different.
he also lives around a 20 min drive away.

Genuinely interested in this.

How does the CEO get to meetings / conferences? Does he not have equipment etc that requires a car boot?

How does the surgeon get to work when on call in the middle of the night and can’t plan his bus/train? Even if he doesn’t do much shift work now he must have done as a junior doctor. The ones I know have to be able to get into work within 20 mins.

How does he get to rugby training? And away matches? Is the home club walking distance for him?

For your husband, is he home or office based?
How does he do the food shop? take the kids to buy school shoes ? Heavy bags of soil for the garden ? Take the kids to birthday parties / football matches / swimmming lessons ? Is everything you need truely within walking distance or does the load actually fall heavily on you but that’s become normalised?

Yes, it's weird to suggest otherwise. It's true that there are certain characteristics/stereotypes that are viewed/desired as supposedly more feminine or masculine; but this is just a standard adult skill for everybody, unless they have a disability or medical condition which precludes them being able to.

You don’t really have equipment in the financial sector, I cannot think of any big offices that you can’t get to on public transport.

We have a team coach for our rugby, no one drives themselves unless they are away or something and can’t meet at the club.

Doctor friend always cycles or runs to work, on planned shift he uses the hospital gym to workout before work.

Husband
He’s hybrid, he either cycles or gets public transport on his office days
Food shop we do online
school shoes walk or use public transport
Soil, I don’t understand, why do you add soul to a garden, its full of soil already?
Birthday parties/swimming walk or public transport
Our kids do dance, rugby and hockey, if its an away game we just sign up to club transport like most of the parents.
I can drive, we don’t own a car.

I also know a cardio surgeon who doesn’t drive — he lives very close to the hospital (he’s a neighbour of ours) and cycles everywhere.

I wouldn’t want to be the default driver-that’s quite burden

I cannot imagine a life where I didn’t drive. It must be so restrictive.

My problem is that I CAN imagine that life. I have a medical condition which means that I only get a licence that lasts for 3 years before I have to apply to renew it. Although I'm unlikely to have my renewal refused, as things stand, it's always hugely stressful knowing that it's a possibility.

Every three years, I have that fear of having a major adult lifeline taken away from me, if somebody makes a judgment based on their impression of my health and abilities that may well not be fair or accurate; and the idea that there are ao many people out there who could learn and then enjoy that simple, unrestricted freedom until they're 70 (when everybody has to periodically re-apply)... but they just can't be bothered... I will never understand.

My son has never held a license due to epilepsy. He chooses city life, as the travel infrastructure is better, and gets around with no fuss whatsoever. He has a wife and two small children, and they do not have a family car.

If it gets serious you having kids will have a much bigger change to his lifestyle than him not driving will have on yours.

If he is a good person and I liked him and he was mindful that my kids are my priority then not driving would not be an issue for me.

Nope!

Maybe if you both lived in a city with good public transport and lots of accessible amenities/attractions! But I’d only date a non driver if I didn’t drive myself, ie living in a place where you didn’t need to.

But I live out in a deprived region, so driving is an essential life skill if you want any kind of quality of life as public transport is crap.

I once dated a lad who didn’t drive - didn’t last long! - no reason for him not driving, he just couldn’t be bothered and relied on lifts and his life was limited to bus routes and timetables! He expected me to drive for all our dates and days out meaning I could never drink, and he never offered to pay for fuel nor car parks. If I wanted a drink on a night out, it had to be to a pub on his bus route and we had to leave early for him to catch the last bus which was around 10pm! Took me a few weeks but I eventually realised he was a self-entitled lazy “taker”. It got to where he expected me to pick him up from work to give him a lift home even on days we weren’t going out - basically wanted me as a taxi service - we didn’t even live close together so giving him a lift was way out of my route.

Whilst I'm surprised at somebody with the skills and determination to get himself to that very high position not being bothered about being able to drive, I suppose it's a bit different for him - in that he could presumably afford to pay for somebody else to drive him whenever he needs/wants it. Granted, it takes a bit of planning and you lose the spontaneity, but likely no great biggie in his circumstances.

Somebody who works stacking shelves in a supermarket isn't going to be in a position to have their own driver on call, unless it's their spouse/partner/parent/friend.

I married someone who doesn’t drive. Due to medical reasons. He used to live in London before we met and moved ins together (he moved to me, in the Home Counties) so he had been very used to using public transport.
Now we live somewhere where buses come once an hour (if that) and we are miles away from a train station, so I have to drive everywhere and if I’m not around to drive, it can be frustrating and difficult.
It can annoy me sometimes being the designated driver all the time but the reasons are justified (medication and a medical condition) and it’s not his fault, so it’s unreasonable of me to be angry with him and he is a perfect and wonderful husband in every other way.

I understand it a bit more if you live in a huge city with great public transport, and you never travel out of that city (unless presumably to another big city), get your supermarket shopping and everything else delivered and never have/want to transport bulky or heavy items.

I'd be very sad not to be able to venture out into the countryside and more rural places; but then I would never choose to live in a big city, so I suppose it's horses for courses and personal preferences and life choices.

However, I would just feel like a child if I lived in a house with a car(s) parked outside that somebody else in the househild could freely drive, but I couldn't... completely because of my own choice. It would be like not having my own key to my house and having to wait for somebody else to come along with theirs to let me in.

Not in our house, I do all those things at and I realise now that even this pisses me off. There is no way I would be married if he could not drive. Absolutely no way.

Yeah just wait though, you will find out. 😂

yep, @comingintomyown you will

This is how I got suckered in, the rest gradually became apparent. I should have known

It would not necessarily be a deal breaker but would put me off.

id be more put off if they just couldn’t be arsed and never intended to learn, and it meant they couldn’t do much.

if they had a medical reason for it and had deliberately chosen to live somehweee with good public transport so it didn’t affect them that much…. Might be ok.

or no medical reason but used public transport /bike to get around and didn’t assume or expect lifts

My dp was in this situation with his late wife and even though it wasn’t her fault, the resentment grew. She had a bigger social circle and arranged more things then always needed him to drive her, so he felt like they always did what she wanted to do.
he got fed up never being able to have a drink and she could.
he got fed up that she would book holidays at airbnbs in the sticks so again on holiday he’d spend a lot of time driving.

for the life of me I can’t understand why they chose to live where they did; with little to no public transport.

he gets extremely excited now when I offer to drive!

I liked the fact DH drove when we met as I hadn’t yet passed my test (I did a few years later but it took me 4 goes!). Now I can’t drive for medical reasons but he did most of the weekend driving anyway, although it was invaluable for me to drive with young children ferrying them about everywhere.

If you live rurally then it’s a necessity, although we don’t I’m urging DS to start lessons again after failing twice pre-uni. I do think it’s an important life skill but it’s not necessary if you live in a big city, commute to work and have good transport links (and don’t have kids - or all their friends and activities are nearby). He will also open work opportunities if he drives. Will try and get him back to lessons ASAP. I’ve even said we’ll help financially/buy him a cheap car as he will need an actual car to drive!

Personally if DH wants to drink we’ll get a bus there and a cab back. Even in our youth we did this (and went out a lot more).

That is extremely unusual. I don't know any successful men/well educated men/ambitious men, who can't drive, not one. I can only surmise that these men could drive at one time, and no longer do so, because of health issues they're not telling you about. Or they have been banned because of multiple motoring/driving offences.

Successful, well-educated, well paid men are never non-drivers who have never been arsed to learn IME. It's usually the men who are low achievers, not very well educated, on minimum pay, and with zero ambition.

.

Is it just male non drivers who are the poorly educated losers or the women too?

Yes, just the male drivers, for the most part. (Who CBA to even try to learn. NOT the ones who have tried and can't manage to do it, or can't do it because of health reasons.)

This thread illustrates that many women have the same opinion as me, even though you have just targeted me.

You will find it hard to find a man who won't want to be with a woman who can't drive. (I am sure there are a few though.) Men have different wants and needs in women. For example, I have heard men say (in the past) that they wouldn't be with a woman who can't cook, or who earns more than them. Have you ever heard a woman say she doesn't want to be with a man who can't cook, and who earns more than her? Nope. And you never will.

Women are entitled to not want to be with a man who can't drive. Women do sooo much in the household/family/with childcare, like fuck does she want to be adding 'doing absolutely ALL the driving, always, forevermore' to her list of life chores!

/

Honestly I’d find it deeply unattractive, driving is just a basic life skill to me I guess I would associate it with someone under achieving or overly anxious. Not saying that would be the case, but that’s certainly what my initial thoughts would be. We already have a car for my 16 year old, there’s been no question that he’ll start learning at 17.

Fair play to you owning the sexist views and standing by them

For someone in a minimum wage job, having a car may be an unjustifiable expense, if they live and work somewhere with workable public transport.

Wow. It’s fascinating hearing someone whose thought processes are this basic and sexist, and who thinks their views are shared by everyone.