The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Awkward!

Speaking of awkward I saw an ex (not beardy ex, but theres a v complicated backstory) on the apps today.

His profile was probably one of the best by a long way. Which makes me ramp up my caution levels by a factor of about 100, because good photos and good profile do not necessarily equal mentally sane man, with secure relational approach and an active social/leisure life AND THIS IS LIVING PROOF.

Its actually thrown me quite significantly, not because of any feelings for him, but because i now feel even less like I can trust my instincts on profiles i like.

I am genuinely considering retreating from the apps again based on this. Help?

Hopefully just first night nerves but...

What age is he?

I feel like this is my bloody unwanted specialist subject😱

Is he taking SSRIs?

Does he have "death grip"?

You don't need help. Your instincts are good - a great profile tells you NOTHING about the quality of the man - other than that they are bright enough to know it's a good idea and willing to put in the effort.

Crashing's profile makes him sound amazing and not at all a jobless/homeless/workshy/fraudulent/sexually dysfunctional disrespectful, misogynistic grifter.

💐💐💐

He definitely has the death grip, he’s also mentioned he hasn’t DTD with anyone for 18 months.

He’s only 44 though?

He did mention on a previous date he was dating someone who was really toned etc and he couldn’t finish because it didn’t do anything for him.

Its made me a bit paranoid tbh

Maybe first night nerves - maybe embarrassed hence the dash.

Idk about the comment about toned - I definitely would find that awkward - maybe just running his mouth in desperate attempts to explain.

If you haven’t got the ‘ick’ then there is possible room for improvement? This really needs to be with input from him on how to pick it up - umm pun not really intended but lol!

You’ll get really good advice on here, particularly @Nosdacariad- though I’m sorry Cariad it is an unwanted specialism I know.

God - it’s all such a minefield and mainly very disappointing too unfortunately.
I guess chatting then meeting weeds out the very highly glossed profiles - to an extent.

There are some decent guys there too - and otoh my profile was minimal and sounded rubbish - but I like to think I’m ok as a ‘catch’ in real life - let the guy decide on that really lol. Messaging is my big thing - interesting and interested messages - no more than one how are you messages or they’re history.

Caveat - I mucked up big time thinking Mr TS was amazing all round so I’m not sure I should give advice - or at least be careful taking it!

Are you thinking this is possible? Style is a factor I think. Despite kissing from first fag break with Mr TS and not stopping since lol - it improved as we got used to each other.

My regular caveat about no position to advise - maybe even shit kissing is the better way to go lol

Ah - not crazy - super idea and dead organised and sorted tbh!

Hope it’s fun and gives clarity - sounds amazingly hot 🔥- so fun I think is a given ha! But it is sad when you have such chemistry but aren’t each other’s person - a real dirty trick by Mother Nature and I’m sorry it happened to you 💐

That's 🚩🚩🚩🚩your communist parade right there.

Not the DE, the BLAMING HIS EX'S BODY.

This doesn't help but does fit my theory that men too immature to seek help for their medical issue will keep trying a different woman because in their heads it is the woman's fault.

Sorry, if you're happy with this it's all good, I guess some women are.

If not...don't give him more than one chance to get help for it xxx

Eta how do you know he has the death grip??

I don't know. It was at least respectful rather than Beered's tongue lunge!!

I did this in my 20s. Then there was another last time, and another...

I'm sure you'll do better than me xxx

This.
Absolutely this.
Its an issue I've run into several times and there can be a multitude of reasons such as the ones @Nosdacariad mentioned, or being in their own head; Feeling the pressure of the first time; Being too bloody hot or experiencing some kind of physical discomfort ... the male orgasm seems to be a more flighty thing than you might expect from popular culture.

But blaming his partner. Nope. Hard nope.

Thanks I don’t feel like I do like it but there are somethings about him I like. It did leave me feeling like he wouldn’t see me again though and I don’t know why that bothered me because I do think it’s a him issue!

I think I’m going to let the chips fall and see what he does next, but if it does fade out I don’t think I’m too fussed 🤷‍♀️

@AlwaysCarrieSATC I experienced this with a guy who simply wouldn't acknowledge he had an issue. I gave him plenty of time, no pressure to 'perform', but when there's clearly a pattern and he's not attempting to a) admit he might need some help, or b) address it (ie with a visit to the doctor for a check-up), particularly if as @Nosdacariad highlights he blames it on someone else 🙄then there's not really much you can do.

If he's just nervous and seems like he'll take action rather than just pretending it's not happening, maybe there's some hope? He's young, after all...

@Nosdacariad bravo for the kiss and great that there's no ick. First kiss, so can always get better!

Welcome! Fellow newbie who already feels less anxious about OLD with so much great advice & support here. Hope you do too💐

Sorry to hear about the ick with Mr Runner 🌺remember you don't have to see him again if you don't want to and/or you can give yourself more time to process/work out your internal world a bit more first 🌺

Kissing is SO important and such a disappointment when someone does it badly. It's often that someone has it...or doesn't when it comes to technique.

Nerves could be a thing though... If everything else about him is good, I'd either give him one more chance or give subtle leads/gentle prompts IYKWIM

Thanks, it’s reassuring that others have come across this 😊

Im going to not take it personally and just see what happens, think it might just fade out anyway

I completely understand the worry, but profiles are the PR, spin and sales pitch. Your instincts and spidey senses will always be worth listening too, and you have all the brilliant advice on here too. You have a lot of bases covered so try not to feel too discouraged🌺

Update regarding Mr Stage, who disappeared for 8 days after we connected brilliantly on a phone call and had semi-arranged for a coffee date.

Thanks to all who helped still my whirling head at his sudden reappearance yesterday. On the strength of your advice I've decided I'm not going to reply to/entertain him as he did not even apologise for being gone, let alone the actual ghosting.

I've uninstalled Bumble for a few days, but will spin the OLD dating wheel again when I'm ready.

@Zara445 so odd I could only see your post when it was quoted x

This happened the first couple of times I had sex with my evil ex Mr Tortoise, and the sex actually DID improve loads afterwards (just a shame that everything else was utterly shit). So I do think it can just be down to nerves or whatever.

As others have said, how he dealt with it is all important. Ignoring it and pretending it isn't happening is the worst......

Hello! Just wanted to add my voice to those who say that this is not unusual, including with men in their 40s. What is unacceptable is to suggest that this is in some way the fault of the partner.

I am not sure there is medication for orgasms (as opposed to ED).

Things continue to go well with Mr P (it has been nearly 4 months now). I am far more verbally demonstrative than him. Although he shows me how he feels with his actions, sometimes it would be nice to hear him say it!

Glad it's going well @BellaBlackberry83

It's kind of the opposite, some common meds inhibit orgasms. They can often be switched out for others that don't have that side effect.

I would rather not know this 😭