The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Thanks @MsJinks I'm sad to postpone but we have tennis Mon anyway. I'm soo ill that I have to be v.near a loo so a date is 100% out of the question.

Also @MsJinks is this man messing with your head? I'm going off him for you and you deserve clarity and unmixed messages. Is he as bad as Planes?

@MsJinks could you give a brief update regarding Mystery Tuesday please? I’ve been on and off the thread briefly lately and just skim reading because of stuff going on irl. If you don’t mind, that is?

How are all my fellow lurgy folk doing? I've got such a fetching cough.

@Mildred007 thanks for asking... All going lovely after that little blip. He's a good egg.

Oh @CleanShirt get well soon. I've graduated from living in the bathroom to Neighbours on the sofa. Progress of a sort!

Mr CS does sound a good egg.

@empirebiscuits12 I'm not sure we know about mystery Tuesdays but @MsJinks I'm sorry if you have said and I've missed it between trips to the loo 😱

@Nosdacariad I've had to come into work today 🫠

Oh noo. Hope it goes fast xxx

Haha - thank you for asking - I think mystery Tuesday has not been mentioned on this thread tbh.

So there’s a few sorta incidents around Mr TS not just from the holiday - and one I picked up on a good while ago is he lets me believe/implies he is staying at a relatives most Tuesdays - it became apparent over time this wasn’t necessarily so but I left it as you know privacy, not my affair, what even am I to him etc.

Tues/Wed can be as ringfenced as if by MI5! He’s not staying at relatives now for sure as things changed for relative, but it’s all a bit murky instead.

On our talk when I said things weren’t making sense I mentioned Tuesdays and he was very keen to understand this bit - but it’s all a bit ephemeral if you know what I mean - you said this, but actually this -in fact sounds bordering on crazy lady!

There’s other stuff too that flags to me - fortunately or otherwise I have a brain that stores the minutest irrelevant detail and fetches it back later (not just in personal relationships just my stupid memory traits!) and it also is very pattern focussed so I just sorta note an oddity, leave it, then later sorta think - oh that all could make sense if this … or similar. I’m not infallible of course and it’s hard to both explain here and to Mr TS. Plus I’m not updating his player handbook for him if that’s what it is ha!

Our chat he said he was committed, taking it slow, not FWB - but there’s a largish gap seems to be filled with a female ‘friend’ but I know nothing about who she is etc - I don’t actually know from him she exists.

please feel free to tell me it’s obvious what’s going on - I’m not oblivious - but he seemed very genuine re us and quite a strong personal moral code I’ve seen in action - please feel free to say I should address it but the not certain nature is awkward- I also wanted to see after our chat for maybe a month but tbh I’m finding it’s not sitting that well with me at all now and maybe needs to be in open already.

As ever in person is fantastic - better even - why can’t I just find his icks ha!

Sorry warning should have been at top of this!

@MsJinks I know what you mean about brains. I feel like mine is running code in the background then suddenly it pops up the answer...like Planes randomly saying he was booked on a DIY course hundreds of miles away - it was ex over the road's daughter's graduation and he was hiding that for ?reasons? But this only became clear after we split and the code completed!!

We can't tell you what to do. I trust you to do the right thing for future MsJinks, whatever that may be. You're a capable clever woman.

This worried me

I mentioned Tuesdays and he was very keen to understand this bit - but it’s all a bit ephemeral if you know what I mean - you said this, but actually this -in fact sounds bordering on crazy lady!

It worried me bacause he sounds like he may be getting you to question yourself, which is gaslighting, which is emotional abuse. I hope not 💙♥️💙

Sorry @MsJinks I can’t remember how long you’ve been seeing eachother? Trying to understand the going slow comment etc.

it sounds like you’ve got a lot of uncertainties and what you do with them is up to you. But also don’t let him make you doubt yourself or think you are unreasonable 💐 x

Thank you @Nosdacariad and @AlwaysCarrieSATC
5.5 months now - we actually see each other a few different days in the week all told but actually times are limited and days are set plus he’s retired with plenty of time for elsewhere. I’ve said FWB is a valid set up but not for me - I’ve said it feels like FWB - he asked he was shocked how I doubted his commitment to me 👀 but he likes to take things slow.

I’m glad code is understood Cariad lol but jeez why hide a graduation? It’s exactly same here really - I’m like oh that’s odd, or oh that’s not sense but I’m not fast in person, or even mainly see a need to ask all little bits - then it all pulls itself together later! But nothing like I saw you do this - I don’t even feel confident with I know you do this at this point.

The Tuesday night became apparent over time but I said to him I do understand privacy or simple ease of not explaining everything but if there’s something that might affect my choices with you then that stops being private - he said he got that and has carried right on!

He’s completely oblivious to connecting dots anyhow at best of times so I think it’s floated right on by what he says/does - I literally told him when he brought it up after too many drinks that people tell you who they are and what they do just as long as you listen - he’s also aware now that I have a memory longer than a goldfish through random other stuff. Still other day we are both staring at sumat he couldn’t possibly have transported to his house as he has no car, and he’d always give a running commentary on normally if a lift, we just stared in silence - I just couldn’t ask the question as I didn’t want more bullshit and guess he was thinking I can’t explain this one - sorta funny!

There is no gaslighting- thanks for checking though - just murkiness and technical truths mainly or even no answer at all if it’s a fib - very odd this code of some truth, avoid lies, maintain secrecy! I meant I thought I’d sound crazy not that he said this lol!

I’m starting to feel complicit in this thing though - silence staring at obvious questions- no expectations a Tuesday may be available- this doesn’t sit well for both obvious reasons but feeling as if I’m condoning whatever he’s doing and then if there’s another woman in that sense to her as well - just nothing I can grasp to be more direct. I can obviously stop this niw on any grounds but fuck I didn’t want to 😭

God, this is brilliant! Well done you.

I have been asked out in shops before a couple of times, but only ever in charity shops and only ever by men who I am pretty sure were a LOT older than me (so I politely declined).

Funnily enough, DD and I also both have a theory that Warhammer shops are a great place to meet the kind of guys we both fancy (similar guys to be honest, just very different age range!) . She is convinced one of the management guys in our local one likes me - he does seem to recognise us and wave when we go in ...... I'm not looking at the moment because of Mr Cricket, but if that goes tits up it's something I might pursue....

It's your choice, keep collecting the data.

I would have had to ask about the large item. I admire your restraint!

I'm just going to say that lies of omission ARE lies.

I think he was hiding the graduation as would have been a trip away with the ex, same hotel, same room maybe...

How are you feeling?

Firstly, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are not a court of law, and are not morally obliged to investigate anyone you are dating and determine for yourself incontrovertible proof that they are single before you pursue a relationship with them.

Am I right in thinking that to a certain extent you just can't imagine him cheating or lying, because he seems like such a decent, honest guy?

If so, remember that some people are SUOERB actors - because they are able to compartmentalise, completely shut off the guilt they feel (or should feel). Perhaps he acts like a decent, honest guy because he truly believes he is a decent honest guy - that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't cheating.

Do you remember I used to have a second FWB, who I stopped seeing recently after he was hospitalised and basically ghosted me leaving me worried if he was even still alive for several days? Well, after that I decided to do more SM digging, and I am now 95% sure he actually has a girlfriend and had one the whole time he was sleeping with me. I am absolutely horrified (and feel hugely guilty, even though I absolutely shouldn't because all I did was believe him!) The most shocking thing is that he truly seems like the nicest, sweetest, kindest, most virtuous guy. I honestly don't think those who know him woulf believe someone like him capable of a double life. But I am almost certain he is.

I hope and pray I am wrong about Trees, as I know how much you like him. Just remember, everyone can lie, and everyone can pretend. And as you are now an exclusive couple, you have every right to ask about Mystery Tuesday. Unless he is actually a spy, what explanation could there be that you do not have a right to know?

Sorry, I am probably coming across too strongly here. It's just you are SUCH a lovely, funny woman, and I admire you so much, and I hate the thought of him hurting you any more than he has already .....

I actually feel worse than yesterday. I rang in again thank God, and have been asleep on the sofa for most of the day......😥

I think at 5.5 months in he needs to make his mind up what he wants and be behaving in a way that makes you feel secure.

i admire how you are dealing with all this, id have to have it out with him and see what happens.

That’s tough to navigate.

It’s a choice between tolerating it or walking away Both hard v

The best I’ve managed is a smile from the trolley gatherer.
oh and the bloke in the milk aisle that would happen to find a bit of bare skin and always touch me there!!

Sending hugs from a safe distance to all those struck with the lurgy

@MsJinks the only advice I can give is to trust your instincts. If something is telling you things are off then they likely are. Without actual evidence or admissions though, I can understand why you would like to continue with Mr TS. Sending hugs your way too 🤍

I’m still iron-less. Mr Tux is messaging sporadically but the initial spark has gone. I don’t get flutters when he messages. Hot PT is still awol. Sigh.

@MsJinks
Hi, I've been re reading all the posts, and something just doesn't add up. I know he wants to take things slowly, but he's not even out of first gear after 5 or so months. If anything he's still in neutral.
There's so many holes in his stories etc, for me the something suspicious going on (I hope not for your sake) but after 5 months he should be loosening up around you.
I would start being firmer with your questions, you really do have a right to know.
I know I've probably not been much help or said anything different to all the lovely people on here, but I would just proceed with caution, and start asking those awkward questions.

Aww this is brilliant, love it.

But no wonder I'm going wrong, I'm normally in the chainsaw isle 😂

Plus I'm hopeless at approaching lone women, as I'd hate to think I'd made them feel uncomfortable.

It's good that you are concerned about this.

For me personally, I never mind being approached, even if the guy isn't my type - it's always flattering and I feel gives me a little boost! As long as the guy doesn't push it obviously, and accepts it completely if I politely signal that I am not interested.

However, I DO have female friends differently. I remember once I was meeting a friend in a bar, and I got there really early - a guy came over and spoke to me and asked me out. I wasn't single at the time and told him so but I was really flattered. But when I told my friend she thought it was bad that he had done so, and was outraged on my behalf, which I really didn't get.....

I guess you can't please all of the people all of the time. Perhaps you just have to have a certain amount of faith in your ability to read signals?

@MrFlintstone good to have a male perspective. This thread is - and should be IMHO - inclusive.
@Ilovelurchers get well soon and ewww to the ex FWB. He removed your right of informed consent. So sorry xxx
@MsJinks Planes again - always the good guy. Bewildered by people misunderstanding his motives...

@Reginablitzing triple ewwww to the bare skin milk aisle guy. Just yuck.

You don't have to go straight for the phone number request. Maybe a light DIY joke to break the ice and see if she's receptive.

Ive had whole fantasies about exactly this sort of meet cute. The universe is being most disobliging, however. I suspect its waiting till I stop crying about the beardy ex.

Beardy exes are THE WORST! Sending love xxx