Page 16 | The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

Nosdacariad · 2026-09-12T11:41:45+00:00

The Rules: -The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin -Do not invest emotionally too soon -It’s all BS until it actually happens -Trust your gut instinct -People vanishing, lying &amp; being generally weird is not your fault -Know your worth -If it's not fun, stop -Loo update is mandatory -No dating the thread -Treat others as you'd like to be treated -Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with -The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?! -OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 16:35

@MsJinks thank you 🧡 Fortunately I’m past the stage of anxiety around his messaging it’s more about simple attention and feeling like he’s making some effort

How are you settling into the return of Mr Tree (?) have you spent much time together ?

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 16:41

@Reginablitzing no I don’t think he would pick up the slack as he’s not interested but he is apologetic about it and has improved albeit from a low bar

To some extent I’m happy carrying the messaging it comes easy and it’s more of a priority for me. Also when I have asked for messages I get exactly what I need, he’s quite uniquely expressive partly due to being French

Reginablitzing · 19/09/2026 17:51

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 16:41

@Reginablitzing no I don’t think he would pick up the slack as he’s not interested but he is apologetic about it and has improved albeit from a low bar

To some extent I’m happy carrying the messaging it comes easy and it’s more of a priority for me. Also when I have asked for messages I get exactly what I need, he’s quite uniquely expressive partly due to being French

Fair enough. As long as you’re getting something out of it.

are we all similar ages? 50s. / 60s?

I just think I’m too old for nonsense then put up with nonsense!

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 19/09/2026 19:52

@Reginablitzing I'm 50s

@comingintomyown I think you're being immensely patient.💐

OP posts:

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 20:52

@Nosdacariad the reason for that is I was utterly single for 16 years, spent a year OLD had a good time actually but no iron becoming a partner and met Mr Chef. Who I fell for on first meeting harder than I ever have kinda Mills & Boon 😬

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 20:58

Reginablitzing · 19/09/2026 17:51

Fair enough. As long as you’re getting something out of it.

are we all similar ages? 50s. / 60s?

I just think I’m too old for nonsense then put up with nonsense!

Show quote history

I'm 48. I imagine you all as my age for some reason..... X

Reginablitzing · 19/09/2026 21:00

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 20:58

I'm 48. I imagine you all as my age for some reason..... X

Show quote history

I’m late 50s

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:01

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 16:30

@Nosdacariad at the end of Feb his Mum had a major medical crisis and for five months the way his family set things up required him to be there weekly. I assumed once that passed the time in France would reduce a little but he told me he owes his parents everything and has been away from France 15 years and now wants to spend as much time with them as he can. Not to diminish his situation I should add his mum has an extremely altered life but it’s not a progressive illness and his Dad is the one needing lots of care and attention throughout as he isn’t processing the situation well - no wonder given he’s 83
I am in the unfortunate position of not really liking my parents very much and have to work hard to fully understand how much he is doing.
However much as this is a laudable choice it leaves him with very little in the tank for our relationship. So him wanting to be with his parents is a choice at this point in time It’s unlucky it happened 3 weeks after our first date and it’s been a leap of faith keeping going at times. That’s why the break we just had was important to me, to get a better idea if I’m investing wisely.
I have a date I’ve asked him to be with me weeks ago and told him it’s really important.It won’t be ideal for him and he’s asked me why but accepted my reason and said he try and make it happen. If he doesn’t find a way to be with me on said date, bar an emergency with his mum, then I think there’s going to be a big problem. I’m going to need him after seven months to start thinking oh she’s my partner I have to make some quality room for her at this point. It’s not that I feel I’m owed a relationship because I’ve been extremely supportive but that in the next couple of months I want to feel like there will start to be a move towards a normally structured relationship because at 60 I don’t have endless time !

One does have to really admire his strong commitment to family yes - but equally, to an extent he does seem to want his cake and eat it with you? And that's perhaps not fair?

In your position I would feel happier if he would commit at least one weekend a month to me - maybe see his family the other three. Even that's not much - but it would give you scope to do more together - little trips away etc - and also be proof that he saw a future and you were a valuable part of his life. I think you said he has said he loves you? For someone you love, one weekend a month is not too much to ask.....

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 21:03

Im 60 and I love it. Joined MN 17 years ago started out on a long running thread about being a Dumpling no more, as in being dumped !
In all that time this is the first thread I’m involved in thanks all 🙏 x

comingintomyown · 19/09/2026 21:05

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:01

One does have to really admire his strong commitment to family yes - but equally, to an extent he does seem to want his cake and eat it with you? And that's perhaps not fair?

In your position I would feel happier if he would commit at least one weekend a month to me - maybe see his family the other three. Even that's not much - but it would give you scope to do more together - little trips away etc - and also be proof that he saw a future and you were a valuable part of his life. I think you said he has said he loves you? For someone you love, one weekend a month is not too much to ask.....

Show quote history

That is exactly what I’m hoping for in a couple of months tops

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:16

I'd like to seek some advice - I have been more honest about my resurgent and confusing feelings for my dd's dad than I have with anyone else other than my life coach....

A bit of boring back story to explain the dilemma - DD is awat on a school residential abroad for most of her half term (which is the week before my half term - I am a teacher).

When she comes back she wants the three of us to have a family dinner as it will be one of the longest times she has been away from both of us - she ideally wants to go to a restaurant in her dad's village (which makes sense as she will have school the next day and he lives super close to her school - I think she is also imagining family board games and stuff - she loves us to get together for stuff like that!

It occured to me today chatting to her that as I will be on half term I could treat myself and book a room in the surprisingly reasonable spa hotel in the village - this would be a treat though also make some kind of sense as public transport doesn't run from the village at night, so I will be forking out for an Uber if I don't - this would be cheaper than a hotel, but would not have a spa!

DD then said, we have two spare rooms, why don't you stay over? I (quite proud of myself for this!) said would that be fair, given her dad's partner. DD said oh, we just wouldn't tell her, and I said what about the neighbours tho, and DD seemed convinced this would be no problem (her dad may feel differently, of course).

Obviously it's tempting. But knowing my feelings about him, is it wise?

I certainly won't ask him if I can stay. I will simply mention booking a hotel, but if he offers me to stay (which he might), should I say yes, or no? Heart says yes, head says no - that I will be tormenting myself.... Even that things may be further on with Mr Cricket by then, to the point that maybe staying would be inappropriate (that's a lot of maybes to book a hotel based on
, I know).

Reginablitzing · 19/09/2026 21:21

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:16

I'd like to seek some advice - I have been more honest about my resurgent and confusing feelings for my dd's dad than I have with anyone else other than my life coach....

A bit of boring back story to explain the dilemma - DD is awat on a school residential abroad for most of her half term (which is the week before my half term - I am a teacher).

When she comes back she wants the three of us to have a family dinner as it will be one of the longest times she has been away from both of us - she ideally wants to go to a restaurant in her dad's village (which makes sense as she will have school the next day and he lives super close to her school - I think she is also imagining family board games and stuff - she loves us to get together for stuff like that!

It occured to me today chatting to her that as I will be on half term I could treat myself and book a room in the surprisingly reasonable spa hotel in the village - this would be a treat though also make some kind of sense as public transport doesn't run from the village at night, so I will be forking out for an Uber if I don't - this would be cheaper than a hotel, but would not have a spa!

DD then said, we have two spare rooms, why don't you stay over? I (quite proud of myself for this!) said would that be fair, given her dad's partner. DD said oh, we just wouldn't tell her, and I said what about the neighbours tho, and DD seemed convinced this would be no problem (her dad may feel differently, of course).

Obviously it's tempting. But knowing my feelings about him, is it wise?

I certainly won't ask him if I can stay. I will simply mention booking a hotel, but if he offers me to stay (which he might), should I say yes, or no? Heart says yes, head says no - that I will be tormenting myself.... Even that things may be further on with Mr Cricket by then, to the point that maybe staying would be inappropriate (that's a lot of maybes to book a hotel based on
, I know).

Dilemma!

i prob wouldn’t make the right decision in your shoes but as an outsider stay in the spa hotel.

Clarabella77 · 19/09/2026 21:44

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:16

I'd like to seek some advice - I have been more honest about my resurgent and confusing feelings for my dd's dad than I have with anyone else other than my life coach....

A bit of boring back story to explain the dilemma - DD is awat on a school residential abroad for most of her half term (which is the week before my half term - I am a teacher).

When she comes back she wants the three of us to have a family dinner as it will be one of the longest times she has been away from both of us - she ideally wants to go to a restaurant in her dad's village (which makes sense as she will have school the next day and he lives super close to her school - I think she is also imagining family board games and stuff - she loves us to get together for stuff like that!

It occured to me today chatting to her that as I will be on half term I could treat myself and book a room in the surprisingly reasonable spa hotel in the village - this would be a treat though also make some kind of sense as public transport doesn't run from the village at night, so I will be forking out for an Uber if I don't - this would be cheaper than a hotel, but would not have a spa!

DD then said, we have two spare rooms, why don't you stay over? I (quite proud of myself for this!) said would that be fair, given her dad's partner. DD said oh, we just wouldn't tell her, and I said what about the neighbours tho, and DD seemed convinced this would be no problem (her dad may feel differently, of course).

Obviously it's tempting. But knowing my feelings about him, is it wise?

I certainly won't ask him if I can stay. I will simply mention booking a hotel, but if he offers me to stay (which he might), should I say yes, or no? Heart says yes, head says no - that I will be tormenting myself.... Even that things may be further on with Mr Cricket by then, to the point that maybe staying would be inappropriate (that's a lot of maybes to book a hotel based on
, I know).

I would also vote for sticking to the hotel plan. Maintaining boundaries is especially important giving your reemerging feelings, and it sounds like your daughter could also be hoping for her parents to get back together.

If you do choose to explore your returning feelings then given the complexity of the situation and the people potentially affected, I think it would be better handled through conversation rather than an impromptu opportunity that either prompts something prematurely that hasn't been fully thought through or remains a one-night stand that complicates your feelings, while everything returns to normal for him.

I say this as a person who is actively training myself to not do the unwise thing after making terrible lust-fuelled decisions my whole life. 😅

MrFlintstone · 19/09/2026 22:08

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:16

I'd like to seek some advice - I have been more honest about my resurgent and confusing feelings for my dd's dad than I have with anyone else other than my life coach....

A bit of boring back story to explain the dilemma - DD is awat on a school residential abroad for most of her half term (which is the week before my half term - I am a teacher).

When she comes back she wants the three of us to have a family dinner as it will be one of the longest times she has been away from both of us - she ideally wants to go to a restaurant in her dad's village (which makes sense as she will have school the next day and he lives super close to her school - I think she is also imagining family board games and stuff - she loves us to get together for stuff like that!

It occured to me today chatting to her that as I will be on half term I could treat myself and book a room in the surprisingly reasonable spa hotel in the village - this would be a treat though also make some kind of sense as public transport doesn't run from the village at night, so I will be forking out for an Uber if I don't - this would be cheaper than a hotel, but would not have a spa!

DD then said, we have two spare rooms, why don't you stay over? I (quite proud of myself for this!) said would that be fair, given her dad's partner. DD said oh, we just wouldn't tell her, and I said what about the neighbours tho, and DD seemed convinced this would be no problem (her dad may feel differently, of course).

Obviously it's tempting. But knowing my feelings about him, is it wise?

I certainly won't ask him if I can stay. I will simply mention booking a hotel, but if he offers me to stay (which he might), should I say yes, or no? Heart says yes, head says no - that I will be tormenting myself.... Even that things may be further on with Mr Cricket by then, to the point that maybe staying would be inappropriate (that's a lot of maybes to book a hotel based on
, I know).

I would advise you to book the hotel, and save yourself and everyone else a whole heap of trouble further down the line.

I do think it's brilliant that you and ex get on and co parent brilliantly and applaud you for that, but please book the hotel.

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 19/09/2026 23:18

Also...do you want to encourage your DD in "what they don't know won't hurt them"?

I know the woman is the OW but you know kids, they apply what they've learned to new situations!

Plus I have empathy for Mr C's feelings if he becomes a fixture 💙♥️💙

OP posts:

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 19/09/2026 23:20

Three men I've been interested in since DH died. Not one looks after himself (basic health I mean not the euphemism for gym bunny)

OP posts:

Mildred007 · 20/09/2026 00:00

Ilovelurchers · 19/09/2026 21:16

I'd like to seek some advice - I have been more honest about my resurgent and confusing feelings for my dd's dad than I have with anyone else other than my life coach....

A bit of boring back story to explain the dilemma - DD is awat on a school residential abroad for most of her half term (which is the week before my half term - I am a teacher).

When she comes back she wants the three of us to have a family dinner as it will be one of the longest times she has been away from both of us - she ideally wants to go to a restaurant in her dad's village (which makes sense as she will have school the next day and he lives super close to her school - I think she is also imagining family board games and stuff - she loves us to get together for stuff like that!

It occured to me today chatting to her that as I will be on half term I could treat myself and book a room in the surprisingly reasonable spa hotel in the village - this would be a treat though also make some kind of sense as public transport doesn't run from the village at night, so I will be forking out for an Uber if I don't - this would be cheaper than a hotel, but would not have a spa!

DD then said, we have two spare rooms, why don't you stay over? I (quite proud of myself for this!) said would that be fair, given her dad's partner. DD said oh, we just wouldn't tell her, and I said what about the neighbours tho, and DD seemed convinced this would be no problem (her dad may feel differently, of course).

Obviously it's tempting. But knowing my feelings about him, is it wise?

I certainly won't ask him if I can stay. I will simply mention booking a hotel, but if he offers me to stay (which he might), should I say yes, or no? Heart says yes, head says no - that I will be tormenting myself.... Even that things may be further on with Mr Cricket by then, to the point that maybe staying would be inappropriate (that's a lot of maybes to book a hotel based on
, I know).

As much as I'm rooting for a reconciliation for you (because who doesn't love a happy ending) I think you need to protect yourself and your daughter and stick to the hotel idea. I think your heart may overrule your head if you don't which may not have the best outcome for all involved.

Plus Mr C seems promising & maybe a more potential healthy relationship? I'd hate for you to scupper things with him plus could you really really trust your ex again? Also agree with setting an example for your daughter. I know it's difficult as ultimately you've clearly got history not to mention, the most important connection, your daughter, but I think you need to let your head rule with this one for now. Such a difficult situation given your recent feelings but such big consequences... xx

Mildred007 · 20/09/2026 00:02

Nosdacariad · 19/09/2026 23:20

Three men I've been interested in since DH died. Not one looks after himself (basic health I mean not the euphemism for gym bunny)

Do you think maybe you could be measuring everyone against your DH, who you clearly adored, & as no-one comes close you're potentially settling for less because you think you won't be able to find that again? X

Mildred007 · 20/09/2026 00:08

Re the texting convos earlier... i still get the massive anxiety between seeing Mr Smile, despite him messaging me every day. Although I do think a lot of it stems from the fact he was pretty full on earlier this year before abruptly calling it off. When I'm with him all of those anxieties fade away though. And I think what's different this time around is that last time I still had the anxiety even when with him... i don't know if it's different this time, whether I'm just being more protective of my feelings, whether I care less or what but I do feel a bit more settled. I think I've come to realise that actions definitely speak more than words so I'm trying to rely on that more... x

Ilovelurchers · 20/09/2026 00:09

Thank you all - I think you're right.

I should add that definitely nothing would happen, even if I did stay, and even if we both wanted it to! The house is big, but not so big we could confidently prevent dd from realising - and neither of us would risk that - the only way we could shag in a house while she was there was if we were definitely getting back together in a very serious way......

My reasons for thinking it's a bad idea, are:
A) if I really enjoy staying with them both, as I probably would, it would add to my feelings of missing the family unit.
B) it might add to dd's feelings of missing the family unit too (that one confuses me, because if I followed it to it's logical conclusion maybe it would be better for her if we didn't hang out as a family at all - but that doesn't feel right either. But maybe there just need to be some hard lines that aren't crossed).
C) the possibility that I could be seeing Mr Cricket as an exclusive thing by then, and it might be upsetting to him. I haven't yet had a chance to guage what relations between him and his ex are like - he certainly speaks respectfully about her as a mother, but he hasn't explicitly mentioned doing stuff with her and the kids. He did take his son out for a birthday meal, and the way he phrased it I had a feeling his ex was there too - obviously I would have no problem with this, even if we were exclusive. But I agree that staying over in an ex's house, especially when it's quite easily avoidable, is very much a step beyond that......

Thank you all - it's really useful to be able to get an outside perspective, and you are all so measured and thoughtful! X

empirebiscuits12 · 20/09/2026 01:15

@Ilovelurchers I echo what others have said here. Definitely not a good idea for lots of reasons. Hotel or stay sober and drive home….the main reason being for your daughter’s sake and to prevent any confusion for her, and you also don’t want to promote keeping secrets. Mr Cricket sounds delightful so far, please don’t risk it over one unwise decision 🤍

Your ex blew his chance of a healthy and happy relationship with you….you are a prize and he disqualified himself!

comingintomyown · 20/09/2026 07:11

@Ilovelurchers right decision because of your daughter and all the reasons given. What is happening with Mr Cricket ?

@Nosdacariad, agree although I’m not exactly a clean liver, excuse the pun 😬 When is the tennis match ?

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 20/09/2026 07:45

Mildred007 · 20/09/2026 00:02

Do you think maybe you could be measuring everyone against your DH, who you clearly adored, & as no-one comes close you're potentially settling for less because you think you won't be able to find that again? X

Show quote history

I did adore him and I saw him clearly.He wasn't a perfect human or partner - no one is- but he had character. Again, not perfect, but he was kind, generous and diligent. Willing to put himself out for others.
I'm not seeing anything approaching that and it doesn't seem like a massive ask?

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Original poster

Nosdacariad · 20/09/2026 07:52

@comingintomyown tennis Friday😁

@Mildred007 I hope Mr Smile works out

@Ilovelurchers worth remembering that you have seen your DD's dad for who he is and although they can be charming when they want to, peoples' essential character rarely changes a lot and without a lot of work/therapy. Fidelity is for most of us a bar-on-the-floor requirement for a relationship. Maybe he's just willing but lacking the capacity to have a healthy relationship. A lot of men seem to be.

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Original poster

Nosdacariad · 20/09/2026 07:59

@empirebiscuits12 I'm sending love and healing vibes your way though I'm not sure why 💙

Last night I had dinner with MrX. I'm cured so thought it was safe. He had offered me to stay at his to break a trip. I booked a hotel because I know him!

He asked maybe one question, interrupted a lot, asked me to pay half, faffed about transferring money between accounts at bill paying time (always a proper skinflint) then I went to his flat where he had not managed to make the bed (duvet cover not on duvet, I know he was thinking I'd do it!!) and he gave me a cup of tea in a dirty mug.

That's his best effort after saying he has changed.

It made me 100% sure I did the right thing.

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