The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

This I can see. The insecurity/ lack of confidence to pay compliments.

The building of desire/ feeling desirable is important. How do you build it without compliments? Is it a look / a touch

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife

hes lovely but maybe it’s too soon for I like yous. He does make me smile and the call didn’t feel long.

Where an 'I love you' so soon, would be a 🚩, Personally I think an 'I like you' is nice and not inappropriate. I know if I liked a guy, then an I like you message would make me happy.
But I'm new to this so listen to the wiser women first in case I'm missing something 😀

Well Mr TS was affection - touch I guess - not sexual just arm round you, hand on you. Also his smile and talking with you like you’re only person there for him.

I maybe shouldnt use Situationship as an example but there were no compliments, not tactile and just a bit of a laugh - whilst alcohol and laugh and passion (desperation? Lol) got me into bed it was not the same and would never have been a good relationship- I’d not ever have felt that good about myself.

There has to be some mode of affection and knowing they choose you however they do that.

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife - I was going to ask in here then I got worried re identifying details so l didn’t.

Gemini was just too wild for me lol - he might have been effectively castrated when I left but I’d later have a cringe till the universe imploded! Chat seemed moderate and what I wanted as I definitely wanted to leave out the fb - but I couldn’t sit longer with what I had in my pile of ‘things I don’t get’ - maybe I should have.

I have clarity in how he sees us now so I would feel I have a firmer footing to be objecting/asking next time - which I felt I lacked this time whatever drunk exclusive agreement plus a few months might mean - that’s very personal though.

I I won’t get anywhere with that one - they could have gone separately for all I know - he could lie or not and I’d not be wiser for it - I do need facts really so I can feel confident or enough circumstantial it’s overwhelming and I didn’t feel there yet - however obvious I know it looks from the outside. Plus I’ve drawn a line under it now as in telling him I asked, he answered, and that’s done for me now (or for now) - but that’s how I do everything tbh so not unexpected for me or him.

Thank you - very much appreciate your words - but I am actually amazed how you got everyone in and all right irons - I am so bad at this - you are officially awesome 🙌

Don't go there unless you can be entirely unbothered xxx

You're ok. This is fine xxx

This is the correct answer.

He is a charming history nerd with a gym body who is an entertaining conversationalist, and he makes me feel like the most attractive woman on the planet. It's very hard to be unbothered. 😅 Virtually a unicorn, who "isn't looking for anything serious."

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife epic post!

I split up with planes end of June.

@Reginablitzing I think body language/facial expression can convey desire.

I think "I like you" is fine up to and including someone you chatted to at the bus stop, but tone is everything. Cheeky and chirpy is great, earnest is ... another thing.

@MsJinks have you got him on fb now? If you're a couple - which reading between the lines - you have both agreed, that would be normal 💐

So I've been listening to Dr Ramani's podcast on narcissism and one of the ways she offers for avoiding narcissists is to be deeply suspicious of the three Cs

Charm/confidence/charisma.

Yikes! All such enjoyable qualities in a man!

@MsJinks I usually only get to check here every few days and yes it's hard to catch up. So I read on my ipad and type my replies on my phone until I get to the end, then submit. It's the only way I can do it!

@Reginablitzing I'm sorry. I didn't properly absorb that "I like you" felt too much for you.

I didn't mean to argue with how it felt to you xxx💐

I have considered he might be a narcissist actually! But he doesn't ever lead me on, love bomb, future fake - all that stuff. I think he is prone to a bit of manipulation for sexual gratification but I always feel able to say no.And it's a slightly cheeky way rather than a dark evil way! I kind of know he's doing it and play along.

I am quite tuned into/ sensitive to/paranoid about manipulation because my dad is highly likely to have some sort of anti social personality disorder. I would rather never go on another date ever again than end up in a relationship with someone who controlled me.

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife things with Mr Chef are very good. The 3 days flew by and I would say the trip was a success both in terms of a nice break but also for me fact finding.

i have said he’s not on his phone ever but that was different, on the journey after an hour or so he pulled it out put in headphones and this recurred many times albeit at appropriate points. The reason I mention this is I have always thought “oh he doesn’t really go on his phone so that’s why he doesn’t message much” but actually he is as wedded to his phone as the next person. Before we went I had intended to bring up with him again about how messaging is my love language- I agree @Nosdacariad - and that given we get one evening a week and have done since the beginning messages are the bridge between us and how I can keep feeling connected to him. I did tell him this a couple of months in and he said he understood and would try harder and he has but it’s still far less than I would like under the circs.

The other topic which I thought I might bring up is when do you think you will stop going to France for 4 days every week but I didn’t.

So he demonstrated himself to be very generous, easy going, very courteous and warm to everyone eg cab drivers (really important to me), very interested in current affairs, history and the world around him outside of his orbit and what affects him. I had had glimpses of these things as we’ve had a couple of dates outside of my house but it was nice to see again.

The one thing I have felt though is he is not really interested in talking about himself and is very private almost guarded. I tested this out a bit and I feel it even more now. Eg I casually asked him while walking if his first job out of uni was for a big practice (accountant before chef) and he said yes and that was it. I asked him about the donation to Reform and he’s got reams to say maybe not good examples but you know what I mean.

So it was all pleasure and no relationship discussion and I deliberately at no point made any remarks about how I wished we had longer/how fast the time went / how amazing it had been etc. I messaged him I was home ok and again didn’t say a word thanking him/ saying how great it had been which normally I would have. I want to let the 3 days stand on their own merit because it was clear it was a success and give him the time and space to think does he want more of that, how he can find a way to make a bigger place for me in his life.

I am hoping to have the strength and dignity to not go to him with “please make time for me “ but for him to want it and make it happen. I realise this may very well not happen and I will struggle to live up to that but I will try.

Oh yes the other thing, I told him around a month ago I was in love with him, he said Me too. I had kinda hoped he might tell me but he didn’t, I’m not fixated on this but I would like it after seven months…

Anyway sorry folks that is me me me. I have read all the thread and will try and keep up now x

Oooohhh I’m stealing that method 😊

@comingintomyown that all sounds so lovely, I'm delighted for you. And you're being so sensible by just letting the few days stand on their own merit. You've shown him (and him you) how you are by your actions and that's the most important thing, not a review afterwards.

On another note...do the UK fellas always put 'slow set' if they use that prompt 'what one trend would you bring back'. I don't think I've ever seen any other answer to it. Ok it was an easy way for a guy to get his hands on you (and often his tongue down your throat) but I can't fathom how often I see it on bumble. I don't see women on the apps but I've never once heard a woman irl say she'd like to see slow sets (or the erection section!!) brought back. I can rem my friends and I finding them a bit dull and preferring to get back to lepping around on the dance floor (or speakers 😀).

@CountBoscoTheSecondsWife- I’m not sure what ‘slow set’ is? I am however old not just on OLD lol
@comingintomyown- you are so sensible and wise - letting the 3 days stand as they just were is awesome.I do get the ‘in love’ but - I’ve sorta felt both of us nearly got there at times but actually lately I had already been wondering if that moment had passed anyhow now - apart from fb gate
@Nosdacariad- no we aren’t fb friends - we noth know we each have fb - idk if I’d want to be particularly either though tbh as if it didn’t work well then they’re either there annoyingly or you have to delete them and that feels OTT in some ways if a nice ending. Mr TS is nearly charming but neither of the other 2 for narcism so that’s a pro naybe lol
@Reginablitzing- I like you is ok ibthink - as it covers a huge range from I think we’ll get on or that was a fun chat/date right upto I’m nearly wanting to say I love you. However, you know how he said it and whether that’s comfortable for you - so decide on that I think.
@Clarabella77- hope all is good today. I get what you mean tuned in - my brain notes lots of stuff due to a previous marriage I think and makes patterns too - I’m not akways 100% on what they mean but I do recognise jealousy a mile off for me or others - I’m never sure if the leftovers of difficult times are good or bad. You’ve had some tough times do look after yourself 💐

I’ve not done Count’s great method for answering posts so I hope it’s all straight! Please correct if wrong and sorry if I missed anything.

Yes context is key. Further down the line it’d be lovely unlike ex he is much more vocal. Which actually I prefer. I’m a bit clueless otherwise.

Not at all. It was good to hear another perspective. I won’t runaway in fear from him now it can be seen as ok and normal.

@comingintomyown good update and it sounds largely positive. Glad you had a good trip - that's a good test 💙

What the heck is slow set? Slow dance?

Popping my head back in. I still havent been on any dates since it all went wrong with Mr Forest (info on the last thread). I keep thinking to myself that I'll have another look on Hinge, then I think 'I'll do it later'. And then I don't 😂just dont have the energy for the inane chat 'hows your week going' etc etc. I'm finding I'd rather just sit at home alone with my dog. But then I'll never meet anyone, will I 😆why are the apps so depressing?! Hope everyone is doing OK.

Sorry to hear that BP. Would you put a quick refresher on what happened with Mr Forest?
Totally hear you on the inane messaging, deadly dull. I could handle 'how's your week' but not How's your morning, how was your cuppa, did you have a nice lunch, how's your evening going, off to bed soon? etcetc Just shoot me in the face instead please (to quote my rather dramatic teen daughter 😀).

The man friend I thought I had (the bad teeth fella so no attraction on my part) is really ramping up the messaging and the arranging dates and I'm really resenting the time it's taking so he's gotta go. I've been trying a slow fade but he's leaning in more with 'good morning sunshine' 'goodnight sweetheart kiss kiss' so awkward but has to be shooed away asap. I've a full weekend so my deadline is Monday.
(eta I've just read one of his earlier ones today: Good morning gorgeous hope you slept well and that today brings you nothing but warmth and happiness 😊) 😭😭😭

Sorry for confusing everyone! A slow set (in Ireland only it would seem!) was indeed the part of the night where the club (disco!) DJ says he's gonna slow things down and the fellas would ask the girls to dance.
I hindered my own question by using unfamiliar terminology!!
But are the UK fellas on the apps mad for bringing back the slow dance?

I feel I almost beat your 15 minutes and almost called off my Fun Bobby date this morning. We had loosely agreed a time and area but he hadn’t confirmed the exact place. Messaged his usual fun messages this morning so I asked where we are meeting and he sent a joke. Said I thought we should rain check and he quickly apologised and sent the details.
Hes very quiet though now so we will see what happens later.
not a great start.