The Dating Thread 63 Crisp air & Warm ♥️🧡💛

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@MsJinksplease don't feel you have to apologise for not taking people's advice - you don't owe that to anyone - it's you who is in your situation and only you can completely understand how you feel about it, him, and the various possible permutations. And sometimes you just know that a certain course of action feels right to you, even when it may not make much sense to other people.....

If you don't want to mention the FB stuff, that's entirely your perogative.

I think it sounds positive that you had a relationship chat with him - even that can take a lot of nerve in the early days of a relationship - and it sounds like he is very positive about continuing things with you? So that's good.

Did you both agree to be exclusive with each other? In a clear and sober conversation?

If so, then I guess you could almost count this as Day 1. And see what he does going forwards. Next time he goes away, you could explicitly ask him if he is travelling alone, see what he says....

That said, I certainly don't think you need to feel guilty for having seen his Facebook posts - he chooses to put them in the public domain after all. Just like if you happened to see him in a pub, out with another woman - and you wouldn't feel guilty for that (I hope) or that you didn't have the right to that knowledge.....

We all just really want you to be ok, whatever that looks like. And it does sound a mightily confusing situation, with all sorts of things going on. Are you having or do you have access to any kind of therapy or coaching at the moment? To me it sounds like the perfect situation to work through in a session - so many different threads to untangle about how you feel about him, yourself, the relationship etc ....

And never apologise for updates! We will all help you as much as we can - at the very least we are very happy to listen! Just as you so kindly and patiently listen to, support and advise all of us. Xxx

So, I have been working on a pros and cons list for Mr Cricket. (Something I like to do as it gives me the blessed illusion that I am doing things for a reason, rather than just acting at random, when I do or do not decide to pursue things with an iron....)

Pros:

• Very intelligent.
• conversation is good (he both listens well, and talks entertainingly)
• has a career I admire and it's similar enough to mine to understand each others' work, tribulations etc.
• great values - very opposed to sexism, racism, homophobia, class prejudice etc. And he doesn't just passively believe good things - he actively advocates for them.
• similar views on climate change to me. (He limits flights, consumption of meat and dairy etc but is not a total purist and believes in compromise and doing ones best).
• respectful towards his ex wife (said she was a brilliant mother, for example) without seeming even mildly in love with her.
• some shared interests with me/my social circle (for example snooker, and CRICKET, which is a huge thing in my family)
• nice looking, quite strong and masculine.
• sexy accent
• up for fun dates (mini golf etc).
• very busy life - doesn't expect to see me a lot.
• own house, job etc.
• more than pays his way on dates. (Don't mean to sound like a scrounger, but I must admit to slightly old fashioned views on this, having dealt with far too many feckless grifters in the past)
• very respectful. In no way pushing for sex.
• does appear to fancy me (passionate kissing etc).
• replies solidly to texts, and booked in next date before we parted - no uncertainty or games

Cons:

• little obvious chemistry (tho it's improving)

-overly aggressive kisser (again, improving)

• some key shared interests missing - doesn't read fiction, not very interested in theatre.
• has school age kids. (Though I also do, I would ideally and selfishly prefer a man with no kids or adult kids. But not a deal breaker).
• not especially complimentary - while there is no negging, not does he say "you look lovely' or anything, which would be nice once in a while.

The pros are definitely winning! It's early days, but after 14 failed first dates, I am staggered to admit that this may have legs..... The pros are very pro and I don't think any of the cons are deal breakers to me at this point.....

The sex thing is interesting - I have actually just had a coaching session mainly devoted to this. LC (life coach) pointed out that I have a kind of double standard about sex - I have a high libido and very liberal attitudes towards recreational sex - have always been open to casual encounters, ONS etc - yet since I began dating with intention I have very much seen too much/too precipitate interest in sex as a red flag in irons.... I don't know if anyone else is the same?

I stand by this position to be honest, having explored it. I am dating ideally with the outcome of finding something exclusive and long term (though not looking for cohabitation or marriage). Great sex would be a part of that, but very much not the only or even main part. And I do think that once you start shagging, common sense can often just fly out of the window. Or it does for me. I really think that, this time, I want to establish that compatability is high and the guy likes me as a person, before any clothes come off.....

@Ilovelurchers I'm curious about your reasons for making a pros and cons list.
I mean I read what you wrote.

Is there part of you that doesn't feel entitled to a real love?

That's a great set of pros and even the cons - are they all cons? 100% matching interests might mean not enough independence or time to yourself?

I also go all soppy once I've slept with someone, though someone on here was saying it also happens with a certain number of minutes' kissing.

I think there's only what's right for you.

I slept with Mr X and late DH second date. I never regretted that. Planes about 6th and I did regret it, because he pushed it.

I wonder if you set a complimentary example he might follow?

Or told him it's your love language (I couldn't use that expression with a straight face but you know what I mean!).

Not especially complimentary stood out for me. My recent ex was the same. It really began to wind me up the further into our relationship we went

That's a good question - I am forever making lists like this. I think it might be because I don't trust my judgement! Mainly after my ex Mr Tortoise, who was such a blazing cock, and yet I adored him so madly for a time.

The counselor I was seeing then (who was very good) made me write a pros and cons list for him, and burst out laughing when I read it out (it sounds unprofessional, but honestly I didn't blame her - it was fucking funny) because the cons were so fucking enormous, but the pros were basically all about liking his family and not wanting to lose my relationship with them - there was barely anything good I could say about him.....

Yeah, that bit does slightly worry me as it's something I have struggled with in previous relationships before too. But at least there is no active negging! (Mind you, it's bloody early days so far ..... )

Mr P was not especially complimentary when I first met him. We had a conversation about love languages, I told him it was important to me, and he now does it. I think often with these things people express love/affection in a way that is of value to them. I also think decent men are wary of appearing creepy, so shy away from compliments. Of course, if they don't do it when you ask them to, then that is a red flag.

I desperately want praise and compliments. So needy
i think I had two options be ok with it or walk away. I realised too late how important it was.

I do a list too. I can’t hat feel.

I asked and he did not deliver. He found it difficult.
I guess I should’ve accepted his love language of acts of service. But maybe if.I felt secure in the relationship I wouldn’t need it

Just catching up - @MsJinks I really hope this is just a hiccup with Mr T. Keeping everything crossed for you. Really nice to see some other irons developing too.

Exactly. I am much more vocally demonstrative in my relationship in every way. However I never doubt that he feels the same way I do, even if it is not expressed. I don't think you have to accept any love language that doesn't work for you, if you ultimately feel undervalued.

@Reginablitzing you are not needy. You have needs. That's normal x

@Ilovelurchers maybe you need to collect more info x

This compliment thing is interesting- I’ve not especially thought about it. I probably pay Mr TS more compliments than I ever have before - but they’re very prosaic and not commonly given lol - you’re lovely is my main word for him (yeah I know!) and a couple of bed ones lol. But I also don’t take compliments well - his word for me has always been beautiful- in more than just physical he means it and it’s not all the time but I nearly always say - I wish lol - but I’ve always deflected or turned the compliment on myself as a joke not just now.

I’m also quite flat/factual - my kids hated it if I said they looked fine - but they’re now very confident that if I say they looked fine good or nice that I actually mean it and fine actually never was as bad as they thought - it meant yeah that’s ok, as in a good ok - if that makes sense.

So I think my love language may be service as in I’ll do stuff ibthink is needed or may be nice - but @Nosdacariad- I too could not say this with a straight face lol. My current straight face difficulty is that Mr TS has never gone on ‘holiday’ he ‘travels’ which I accepted as his description- he only went and bloody changed this to ‘adventure’ - I mean if he’d said this on first ‘travel’ since we were together then I’d never have reached this later point of ‘travel’ However at least it amused me, helped find a potential ick, and gave me satisfaction in both covertly using this dreadful word in my texts to him and imagining asking him if he thought he was in a bloody Enid Blyton novel fgs. Just to clarify that Whilst I changed details on his ‘adventure’ he did imo holiday in tourist resorts in Europe and was not climbing Mount Everest where the word may just possibly - only just mind - have been justified. But anyway and mainly I just cannot say this in person with anything like a straight face lol!

@Ilovelurchers- I think Mr Cricket sounds promising. I’ve never written a pros cons list for a guy but have mentally totted up but usually nearer end, not beginning - with Mr Situationship it became a very debit heavy balance sheet - pros were get a drink and sex might be necessary for me - cons I just can’t fit them on here! Eventually it was drink but I’d have to listen to him and can’t even escape after as I’m driving - so it faded to twice a year and then ugh no!

But it seems wiser to maybe tot up earlier - values are really important ibthink - it makes me uncomfortable with conflicting values in some areas quite quickly - having said that my heart wants what it wants sometimes but at least at 60 it’s actively not wanting clashing values I think.

Hope it picks up and pros increase 🤞

Answering myself! I’m so dumb today!

So I meant to add that lack of compliments can become an issue. One of my kids got few from her main ex if any - he was also too blunt about stuff - are you actually wearing that? You might want to ask my Mum about your tash 😳 Then her recent ex did compliment her vaguely but went over top complimenting others. It’s really bad, and sad, as she ended up feeling quite bad about herself.

There has to be a balance on it all - few compliments for some are ok but that doesn’t mean ending up feeling like carp is acceptable.

Thank you for this - you are wise - and lovely - as is everyone.

I am sorta resetting - I asked, he answered, and that’s ok somehow for me at the minute. I can’t be looking and wondering all the time. My brain does catch and keep inconsistent stuff - loses all important info though like who to send a text to haha- it doesn’t catch it fast enough to ask on spot though but it certainly adds them up and then shouts about it though it can’t tell me what it all means - and I can get stuff wrong too.

My daughter’s fella thinks it was best to say so not hidden but out in open - I get that point completely and am not totally sure i was right not to - but I’m still ok with my decision though I honestly don’t know why - I don’t feel desperate to keep him or play pick me as I have in the past though it must sound like I am and I do like ‘us’

This has of course left him a bit maybe walking on eggshells as well, so there’s some awkward - so I’ll have to see how it goes.

Thanks again xx

Thank you - I hope so too - we will see. How long have you and Nr P been going now? Love the good stories 😊

Can I share an update on my situation, if anyone is curious?

I was contemplating date 3 with someone I will call Mr Cyclist, agreed then cancelled for work reasons. He has understandably gone cold, and I am not bothered.

So I decided to delete Hinge (again) and just focus on my own life, which is full and enjoyable. I felt positive about that.

Then today, like a grenade into my busy, I got a the most breadcrumby message from the guy I was seeing casually for 7 months - Mr Casual. I was proud of myself for walking away and resisting the urge to reach out for 3 months, and there he is!!! I replied in a neutral, bland way, and by 9pm tonight we have escalated to flirting again. He knows what he is doing. He is the ultimate f*boy but I can't help but be here for it. He seems to know exctly how to get to me, and it is intoxicating. Heaven help me.

As for the complimenting issue. I find men rarely compliment me even when they are interested (aside from aforementioned Mr Casual who uses charm as part of his sexual weaponry!).

I don't want to be showered with compliments but if a guy can't show me desire I can't build attraction for them, and I think it's sometimes a sign of insecurity. I want a man to take a bit of a risk and put himself out there, and a lot of the non-players struggle with that.

You’ve done so well - I think these fellas have an absolute in built radar for when us females are moving past them - idk if they have it on their calendar but it always seems like it.

Mr Player knew when I was sort of moving past him - I was always pulled back in - I eventually stopped all contact. He still got in touch a couple of years or so later, but not sure what for as actually he wasn’t going to follow up I don’t think if I’d fallen in again - think it was an ego boost or to add me to his harem. I was ok by then as I’d got over him so did answer with no interest - but then it’s pointless to me - exchanging what are essentially status updates with someone you used to know intimately just seems odd.

I get where you’re at and it’s such a bummer - hope you’re feeling ok - is anything going to be next with him? Be kind to yourself - we’ve all been there 💗

I am ok. Probably not strong enough not to dive back in and just wish I could enjoy it without attachment. In so many ways meeting him has been brilliant for me.

I shut down his sexual chat and ended the conversation but in a playful way. I know his MO though. He will be back.

It's almost exactly a year ago we first met in person.

Oh no what do I do mr sweet just sent a message after an hour long call saying I like you. I crapped myself cos I thought it said I love you!

Oh I like that! Thank you x

Adventure made me laugh out loud. With ex he’d say travel id look quizzical and say you mean holiday? Towards the end of caused many a quarrel.

maybe I shouldve just accepted his terminology.

im the same as you - v factual. Kids hated it too but again when I praise or am impressed they know it’s true. we would watch the bad acts on britains got talent and I’d say bet their mum told them they’re great.

@duckingclueless
Things seem to be going great with Mr Spanner, yaay

@alwayscarriesatc
How are things lined up for date with Fun Bobby tomorrow?

@cleanshirt
Well done on communicating so honestlywith Mr CS, I'm glad he listened

@nosdacariad
That attracted to peraonality disorders fella sounds batshit! Well done for weeding him out good n early.
Re 'no drama'...Mr Italian had that in bio. And literally the only drama came from him being clear as mud around dates 🙃
Sorry to hear you still love (the dreadful) Mr Planes. Funny how little we see that 'love' word on this thread! How long ago did you split up?

@Empirebiscuits12
Well done on blocking Mr "Including You", the Nerve of him!!

@reginablitzing
Laughing so much at pig instead of pof.
Sounds like Mr Sweet is a bit saccharine for you?

@ilovelurchers
So happy the mini golf date went so well, amazing 😊
Just read your pro/con list. The sheer difference in length alone is staggering!!
Key shared interests missing, i would see as a really good thing- you don't want to date yourself!
The compliments one I'd struggle with. I guess men don't know just how complimentary other men are on dates so it can come across as disinterested to us if they're not that way. But not just men on dates, like if we see our friends/kids/neighbours etc having made an effort on their appearance, most women will say hey you look lovely 😍, so the absence of that can feel kinda harsh. Have you had any dates with him where you were undeniably dolled up? The subtlety of looking great but wanting to seem low effort for mini golf would undoubtedly be utterly missed by a man!!

@MsJinks
I get that there's a limit to how much questioning one can do, and if you don't ask the right ones straight away, you kinda feel the need to give up. Maybe next time if you feel the need to question a situation, check in here first about what question you should ask. ChatGPT ain't got nothing on the brilliant women on here!
About to log off for the night but i really think you would be entitled, and it would be the right thing to do, for you to say, who were you away with btw, I'd really appreciate you telling me.

@comingintomyown
Mr Chef...how do you feel things are going now?

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One day hopefully I'll make OLD history for a better reason than 15 mins notice of date location!!