Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

You owe her nothing. Let him deal with the mess and you decide what you want to do. I wouldn't contact her. Focus on your children and your life. You need to decide if you want to stay married or not.

How can you say that with such certainty? You have absolutely no idea what happened and no idea what she knew about OP'.s H .

Find your anger

I would have gotten offended if anyone other than my ex claim to be the father of my children. Because I know for certain I have not slept with anyone else. So I can see a man being horrified to be faced with such allegations.

Either way op, I suggest you do a std check. You just checking your own health, nothing to do with your husband.

But she’s a shitbag too…

She still cheated on her own husband!

How old are your children? Children are surprisingly resilient to divorce IME, if you offer them stability and a whole lot of love. Is that what you want? You sort of sound as though this isn’t really news to you… Were you happy with the status quo of not wanting to know?

Can you get a counsellor or therapist to help you work through this and process how you feel and what you want?

Is there a possibility her husband has got suspicious and is demanding the paternity test?

OP said both her and dh met her. Together. Therefore I guess she would of course have known he was married. They’re equally to blame.

Well given that she and OP met at a wedding, being invited through work where they "worked closely together" I think we can accept that she knew he was married.

Hmm well I think people using DNA testing on Ancestry type websites websites are giving more of themselves than necessary so if some out of the blue request of this kind applied to me it would be a flat no.

your husband’s reaction could be someone who’s guilty and defensive. Or could be someone who is totally innocent and horrified that a whack job in a foreign country is demanding his DNA. Mumsnet can’t tell you which.

Agree

100% this.

Deadbeats are worse than cheats. Cheating mostly hurts an adult partner, but a deadbeat deprives his own child.

It takes two, but only one of them broke his wedding vows to the OP. The OW made no promise to the wife of a cheating husband, whereas he did. Women are not responsible for keeping would-be cheaters faithful.

If the overseas child does a genealogy dna test the truth, whatever it is, will come out.
Are you able to respect a man who flat out refuses to test?

its sounds like you don’t want involved.
But you have every right to know if your husband has another child if you want to you also should know if he’s been having an affair.
what ages are all the children involved?
would this other child be close in age?

Cheek swab.

Agreed.

This is your husbands mess OP, not yours. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I would seriously be considering if I could stay married or ever trust him truly.

What a massive shock.

Can you reach out to her or her husband on any platform and just ask if either/both of them have recently send a letter to you.

Would they have had a chance to do the deed however long ago the child was conceived?

Sounds pretty elaborate to be a scam if you know the woman and her husband.
I'm assuming her husband's already taken a DNA test?

edited to add, he's angry and straight away saying the letter wasn't sent correctly from the solicitors. Would be have hidden a child from you? I'm so sorry, but something must have happened. If I got a letter like that I'd be doing the test straight away and thinking how bizarre, after I'd clarified it wasn't a scam. If he did take the test, will you believe his answers?

Sperm donation clinics exist for this exact reason: to be all above board and regulated, with donation as something that a man can tell his wife about.

What a load of rubbish, he's clearly the Father of this woman's child because if he wasn't he would do the test. The fact he's refusing shows he knows it will show up as his child and he Aldi knows this because will recall having sex with this woman to. None of which he wants OP to find out. How is wanting to know the father of your child "evil"? Every child has a right to know this.

him refusing to take a test seems a bit suss. The test is a simple cheek swab.

Is it a private request from a solicitor or court ordered?

The first thing he would do is take one himself. That it's escalated to OP's H being asked for one indicates that Mr Abuser isn't the father.

if your DH refuses to comly with the request for a paternity test could he be compelled to by a court?
Surely,if he knows there is no chnace he could be this childs father he would simply take the test to prove it?